Ep. 019
Advancemental Breakdown
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at firing, advancement that's mostly about people failing to get promotions, please stay on the line.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: It’s episode 19 of Work It, where we’re talking all about advancement.
What is advancement? It means you're in a job with opportunities to advance your career. Like, if you’re a volunteer podcast co-host and you want to work your way up to toilet scrubber. It’s important to have goals!
Advancement is what happens when opportunity meets preparation. But where do they meet? I like to imagine it’s an underground parking lot. And opportunity slips preparation a brown bag full of cash. 
What’s this?! Preparation pulls a gun on opportunity?! The whole thing was a setup! 
And that’s advancement.
[Theme music fades out]
Blackout: Promotion Lotion (1:20)
(Character breakdown: as this is a commercial parody, Voiceover is in extreme ‘sales pitch mode’; Employee sounds dorky and helpless; Boss is gruff and no-nonsense.)
[Upbeat electronic/pop muzak in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Has this ever happened to you?
Janet (as Employee): Can I have a promotion?
Sam (as Boss): No.
Sam (as Voiceover): Never again, with Promotion Lotion. That’s right, friends, with one squirt of Promotion Lotion, you’ll be climbing the corporate ladder in no time.
Janet (as Employee): Can I have a promotion?
Sam (as Boss): No.
Janet (as Employee): What about now?
[Fart-like squirting, like an empty ketchup bottle, in background of next line:]
Janet (as Employee, ad-libbing): A little under here… Some under my arpits… One more squirt should do us…
Sam (as Boss): Is that… Promotion Lotion?
Janet (as Employee): It is!
Sam (as Boss): You’re absolutely covered in it. You look like a 5-foot-something pile of earwax.
Janet (as Employee): I do!
Sam (as Boss): The promotion’s yours!
Janet (as Employee): Thanks, Promotion Lotion!
Sam (as Boss): I think I’m going to be sick.
(Vomitting:)
Ugh! 
Sam (as Voiceover): That’s right, it’s Promotion Lotion. Help your career with just one smear!
Blackout: Macbeth Gets Passed Up for a Promotion (2:16)
(Character breakdown: the Coworker just sounds like Janet at her kind of most glass-half-full; MacBeth has a thick Scottish accent, naturally.)
[Melancholy, piano intro music]
Janet (as Voiceover): And now, a dramatic reading of William Shakespeare’s uncompleted work, “MacBeth gets passed up for promotion”.
[Fade music; audience applause]
Janet (as Coworker): Hey, Macbeth! Guess what! I got that big promotion!
Sam (as Macbeth): [thick Scottish accent] You mean…the promotion I tried for?
Janet (as Coworker): Yeah. No hard feelings?
[Tense, dramatic music in background]
Sam (as Macbeth): They should have promoted you hereafter.
There would have been a time for such bullsh–[censor beep].
Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,
Creeps in my petty job from day to day,
To the last minute of my shift…
It is a promotion
Given to an idiot, full of status and money,
Signifying favouritism.
(About halfway through MacBeth’s speech:)
Janet (as Coworker): I wasn’t finished. Macbeth? Macbeth? Hey, Macbeth?
(Once MacBeth is finished; curt:)
Uh, also, we’re letting you go.
Sam (as Macbeth): Aw sh–[beep], my wife’ll kill me!
[Applause; moody theme music]
Blackout: Bad Promotions (3:11)
[Cheesy tango muzak in background]
Sam: Congratulations, you’ve been promoted to:
Janet: Head of colostomy bag stress testing!
Sam: Head of Diversity at FOX News!
Janet: Quality Assurance for the CIA, waterboarding division!
Sam: Senior VP of Municipal Waste Department in charge of eating all the waste!
Janet: Kleenex executive, booger division.
Sam: Canada’s Wonderland, Roller Coaster Division, Head of Barf Disposal
Janet: Religious leader…
Sam: That’s good!
Janet: …worshipping Priapus.
[Cartoon-y boi-oi-oing]
Sam: CEO of Take the Plunge, Omaha’s third most popular destination for discount plungers!
Janet: Private tutor to Barron Trump!
Sam: King of Farts!
Janet: J–[censor beep]sus Chr–[beep]…
Sam: Was that in response to my joke?
Janet (explaining): No, I’m saying a job where you get nails in your limbs would be a bad promotion.
Sam (understanding): Oh, yes. I agree. That would probably be pretty unpleasant.
Janet: Head of PR, for that religion. You know, the pedophilia one.
Sam: Senior Joke Writer on Work It!
Janet (to off ‘screen’): You’re fired, Randy!
Sam (to off ‘screen’): Yeah, pack your bags, Randy. You're out of here!
[Fade out music]
Scene: Gig Economy (4:11)
[Chill lounge muzak in background]
Sam: So, obviously we’re all very excited to be living in the gig economy.
Janet: The great thing about the gig economy is, you won’t even want healthcare anymore. Just the sweet release of death.
Sam: It’s called synergy, people.
Janet: Old workplace benefits like, pay increases, vacation time, health benefits (as I mentioned in a funny joke a moment ago) – they’ve mostly all dried up.
Sam: In their place, the delightful alternative of anxiously pursuing a 5-star rating just to keep getting any work at all.
Janet: But did you realize, Sam, this is all a bunch of hand-mongering and fear-wringing?
Sam: It’s true, Janet. Though unconventional, there is still a clear-cut path to promotions within these companies.
[Pause]
Janet: Well…?
Sam (confused, then clear): Huh? Oh, the sketch! Right.
Sam (as Voiceover): Getting Promoted in the Gig Economy.
Sam: Airbnb: Getting a promotion at Airbnb is easy. First, create a listing for a room in your house. Did I say house? Sorry, I meant apartment. Now, rent it 100 times while maintaining a rating of 4.8 or higher. What’s that? You’re in a bachelor? No problem! Rent out the whole apartment and move onto the street. Keep your rating above 4.9. Rent out the box you’ve been sleeping in. Crawl into a cave and die! Way to go, you’ve been promoted to ‘Preferred Renter’! Congrats!
Janet: Uber: Getting a promotion at Uber is easy. You just drive people from point a to point b. Uh-oh, you’re not getting enough fares. Try and carpool – get 3 or more fares at once. That’s more like it. You can probably fit another 2 in the trunk. And what about the floor, maybe another 2 there. Wow, 7 people at once. Now, we’re really cooking. A newborn could probably fit in the glove compartment – just shove him in there, he’ll be fine. 8 people on one fare, wow! But what’s this? I see your ratings dipped below 4.8. Better drive off a cliff and reset your account. Way to go, you’ve been promoted to ‘Preferred Driver’! Congrats!
Sam: Doordash: Getting a promotion at Doordash is easy. You just bring people their home delivered food – no problem! But wait – the Chinese restaurant’s on one side of town and the pizza joint’s on the other, and you’ve got to complete this delivery 10 minutes ago! Here’s a little trick you can use. Keep a backpack full of food. Just loose food filling your backpack, a little of this, a little of that: egg-rolls, blue Freezee, 8 french fries. Doing good so far. Calamari, pound cake, some toothpaste. Delish! Now, you’re covered. That’s literally all the food. Way to go, you’ve been promoted to ‘Preferred Dasher’! Congrats!
Janet: What about ‘Preferred Dash-hole’?
Sam: I considered it, but this is a mature program for mature people.
Scene: Corporate Ladder Board Game (6:44)
(Character breakdown: Voiceover is doing a kids commercial here, so he’s high-energy, fun, and selling something.)
[Fun, peppy 80s toy commercial music]
Sam (as Voiceover): Hey kids. Do you love competition?
Sam and Janet (as Kids): Yeah!
Sam (as Voiceover): Do you love intrigue?
Sam and Janet (as Kids): Yeah!
Sam (as Voiceover): Do you love networking?
Sam and Janet (as Kids, disappointed): Uhh-
Sam (as Voiceover): Then you’ll love Corporate Ladder, the board game straight out of the board room.
[Lasers, bangs]
Sam (as Voiceover): Kids get to pick their characters at random!
Sam (as Kid 1): Alright, I got ‘straight white man’! Start 3 positions ahead!
Janet (as Kid 2): I got ‘woman of colour’. “Reduce salary by 30%.” Seriously?
[Ch-ching of cash register]
Sam (as Voiceover): Hold on tight while you try to advance past your colleagues!
Sam (as Kid 1): “Seduce the boss, advance 2 spots.”
Janet (as Kid 2): Is that ethical?
Sam (as Voiceover): And watch out for career pitfalls.
[Splat! Scream]
Janet (as Kid 2): “You give birth but don’t have parental leave. Return to the bottom of the ladder.” Aw, man!
Sam (as Voiceover): With all the twists and turns of real life!
[Boom!]
Sam (as Kid 1, increasingly confused and disappointed): “You get coffee with a manager and pick their brain. Gain one networking point.” Ugghhhh.
Sam (as Voiceover): Get ready for a lifetime of corporate servitude, scratching and clawing for every possible advantage in your miserable life!
Janet (as Kid 2): Hey, this game’s kinda depressing.
Sam (as Kid 1): Wanna go play outside?
Janet (as Kid 2): Yeah…civilisation will collapse under the climate apocalypse before we’ll have to face this stuff in real life, anyway.
Sam (as Voiceover): Corporate Ladder. Another wholesome way to invite capitalism into your home. From Brilton-Madly.
Blackout: Hamlet Gets Passed Up for a Promotion (8:23)
(Character breakdown: Boss is direct, confident, but not an out-and-out jerk; Hamlet is a hammy Shakespearean actor, i.e. a bad Olivier impression.)
[Melancholy, piano intro music]
Janet (as Voiceover): And now, a dramatic reading of William Shakespeare’s uncompleted work, “Hamlet gets passed up for promotion”.
[Fade music; audience applause]
Sam (as Boss): Hamlet, I know you really wanted that promotion, but I'm afraid your performance just hasn't been up to standard.
Janet (as Hamlet): I see. Thank you for your time.
[Footsteps, door close; tense, dramatic music]
Janet (as Hamlet): To quit or not to quit, that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for the career to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous bosses,
Or to take arms against a sea of setbacks
And by resigning, end them. To quit—to work,
No more-
[Door open]
Sam (as Boss, summarily): Also, you're fired.
[Door close]
Janet (as Hamlet): The rest is silence.
[Audience applause; repeat melancholy theme]
Blackout: How to Get a Promotion, part 1 (9:18)
(Scene breakdown: this is in the spirit of a TEDtalk, so Sam and Janet both have a sort-of pseudo-sagacity in their delivery.)
[New age-y, cerebral music in background, continuous]
Sam (as Voiceover): How to get a promotion.
Janet: Throw a tantrum. Like this: I want a promotion NOW, I want it, I want it, waaah!!
Sam: Say the magic word.
Janet (increasingly ominous): Go above and beyond. Then go above and beyond that. Keep going. Above, beyond, above, beyond, above, beyond. Pretty soon, you’ll break free of the mortal realm and enter a pocket dimension of hallucinatory dread. Congratulations!
Sam: Give your boss a big kiss right on the mouth.
[Smooch!]
Janet: A little blackmail never hurt!
[Ch-ching of a cash register]
Sam: When talking to your boss, drop helpful hints, like “Boy, that Henderson Account is really paying off” and “I know where you live.”
Janet: Send three proofs-of-purchase clippings from the back of your cereal box to the address on your screen.
Sam: Get a sceptre. Fancy folks always seem to have a sceptre.
Janet: Defeat Billy Mitchell for the all-time world record in Donkey Kong.
Sam (maudlin): Thoughts and prayers.
Scene: Corner Office (10:20)
(Character Breakdown: Jenkins is a keen professional, who gradually goes mad with power and resentment; Boss is a professional, friendly woman; Assistant, likewise, with slightly sing-song delivery – a clichéd secretary, in other words.)
[Office ambiance in background]
Janet (as Boss): Ah, Jenkins! Congratulations again on the promotion! You earned it. Welcome to the c-suite of McKinley Canning Products.
Sam (as Jenkins): Thank you for putting your faith in me, Mrs. McKinley. I won’t let you down.
Janet (as Boss): Well, I better let you get to work: first day of the new job.
Sam (as Jenkins): And first day in the corner office!
Janet (as Boss): Indeed. Make yourself at home. But don’t let it go to your head!
Laughter.
Sam (as Jenkins): Trust me, that won’t be a problem.
[Footsteps (of Boss); door closing]
Sam (as Jenkins, proud, slightly resentful): Wow, the corner office! From mail clerk to the corner office. People said I’d never make it. Well, I made it damn it. I made it. Now then…
[Beep of intercom]
Janet (as Assistant, over intercom): Roger Jenkins’ office, this is Stephanie speaking.
Sam (as Jenkins): Stephanie, can you come in here?
[Door, footsteps]
Sam (as Jenkins): Stephanie, good to see you. What’s on my agenda today?
Janet (as Assistant): Well, you have the earnings call at 9:15, the meeting with Miyazaki Distribution at 10, there’s the new product presentation at –
Sam (as Jenkins, as if nodding along, ignoring her): Mm-hm, mm-hm, very good. 
(Insecure:)
So how about this office?
Janet (as Assistant): It’s very nice sir, so the new product demonstration is at–
Sam (as Jenkins, completely ignoring her, resentful): People doubted I’d every amount to anything.
Janet (as Assistant, indulging him but staying focused): I’m sorry to hear that. So as I was saying, the demonstration will be at 11, and then –
Sam (as Jenkins, increasingly insecure): I’m just concerned people will think I don’t belong here. That I need to put my mark on it.
A plant? How ‘bout a plant? Can we get a ficus in here?
Janet (as Assistant): Certainly, Mr. Jenkins.
Sam (as Jenkins): That painting’s got to go! Get me something with class! Something with… a landscape with ships, and sailors… and Jesus. Ya know, something nice.
Janet (as Assistant): I’ll see what we can do, sir. Now, if I may.
Sam (as Jenkins): Of course.
Janet (as Assistant): Now at noon you’ve got lunch with Mr. Miyazaki himself to close the deal and become the region’s largest canning manufacturer.
Sam (as Jenkins, feigning interest): Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
[Beat]
(But ignoring her:)
What about a statue?
Janet (as Assistant): Come again, Mr. Jenkins?
Sam (as Jenkins, very insecure): I’m just thinking, what if I added a statue of me. Sitting at my desk. A statue of my desk, I mean. How soon can we get a sculptor in here?
Janet (as Assistant): I’m not sure that’s in the budget, sir.
Sam (as Jenkins, egomaniacal): Listen, you let the person in the corner office worry about the budget, you just worry about keeping him happy. And by him, I mean me: Corner Office Jenkins.
Janet (as Assistant, indulgent, concerned): Very good, Mr. Jenkins.
Sam (as Jenkins, frenzied): Turrets! We need turrets! The people are plotting against me. What’s a corner office without some turrets? And snipers! Take a memo: “Snipers Needed. Suppress dissent. Protect Corner Office Jenkins at all costs!”
Janet (as Assistant, concerned, trying to keep him focused): Okay. But what about this lunch meeting that determines the fate of the company?
Sam (as Jenkins, descending into madness): Cancel it! Now, mosaics! I demand mosaics! Inlaid with gold and precious gems. All for me! Me… and my corner office!
[Dramatic music sting: dun dun dunnnnh!]
Scene: The Favourite 2 (13:01)
(Character breakdown: Voiceover is pretentious, with a smug British accent, before becoming extremely wacky; Sarah is an English Queen, and regal-but-daffy; Sarah sounds like a sort-of ambitious New York assistant type; Abby is a real kiss-ass.)
[Baroque classical music in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Coming soon, from the studio that brought you The Favourite.
Sam (as Voiceover): We laughed,
[Canned laughter],
we cried,
[Canned weeping]
we clutched our pearls
[Canned gasp]
at the story of Queen Anne and her favourites, Sarah and Abigail.
[Very brief clip from The Favourite]
Sam (as Voiceover): But the story doesn’t end there.
[Record scratch; classical music stops; replaced with wacky, zany, bouncy cartoonish music]
Sam (as Voiceover, now wacky): Strap in for: The Favourite 2: Lost in New York.
[Ambient street noise in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Join high-powered executive Anne.
Janet (as Anne): Oh dear, I’m most flummoxed. How does one summon an Uber?
Sam (as Voiceover): And her favourite assistant, Sarah.
Janet (as Sarah): Anne, I swear to god. There, I ordered one.
Janet (as Anne): Sarah, my dear. You truly are…my favourite.
Sam (as Voiceover): Sarah advances her own career, through favouritism-
Janet (as Sarah): Anne, I need you to promote me to VP of….uh, ‘assistanting,’ and give me a raise.
Janet (as Anne): Certainly, darling. I’m sure you deserve it.
Sam (as Voiceover): Until the uppity receptionist Abigail upsets all her plans.
Sam (as Abby): Wow, Mrs Anne, you’re so intelligent and charming and good at business.
Janet (as Anne): Abigail! You are my new favourite!
Sam (as Abby): And you should fire Sarah and promote me instead.
Janet (as Anne): Brilliant, darling. Whatever you like.
Sam (as Voiceover): With all the intrigue you loved in the first movie.
Janet (as Sarah): I hate you, Abigail!
Sam (as Abby): I hate you, Sarah!
Sam (as Voiceover): And all the hot girl-on-girl action you pervs came here for.
Janet (as Anne): Ladies, you needn’t bicker! Let’s have a threesome, and then I’ll give you both promotions.
Sam (as Voiceover): Also car chases.
[Cars, gunshots]
Sam (as Voiceover): The Favourite 2: Lost in New York. Coming just in time for award season.
Blackout: How to Get a Promotion, part 2 (14:51)
(Character breakdown: as in part 1.)
[New age-y, cerebral music in background, continuous]
Sam (as Voiceover): How to get a promotion.
Janet: In your annual self-evaluation, “evaluate” yourself as “new boss”.
Sam: Using a classic pincer formation, surround management on both fronts. Force your superiors into a bottle-neck where snipers can pick them off.
Janet: F–[censor beep] your way to the top. Worked for us!
Sam (off the last beat): Campus radio, baby!
(Then:)
Jump on the glowing spot on the boss’ head 3 times. Grab the star that bursts forth from his corpse.
Janet: Whenever you don’t get a promotion, flip a table and smash the coffee maker.
Sam: Dress sexier. Note: this does not apply to me, as I’m impossibly sexy as it is, though I guess I could wear a bikini to work. Hmmm...…
Janet: Tell the boss you need a raise to buy the pills that keep you from stabbing everyone.
Janet: Sign up for LinkedIn Premium, like all those other [censor beep]–ssholes.
Sam: Stuff the suggestion box.
Janet: Do some white collar crime, odds are you’ll get away with it.
Sam: Dab on your boss.
Janet: Wear an impressive power-suit. Like Iron Man. Blammo!
[Futuristic machine powering up]
Sam: Do your job at a high level over a sustained period of time.
[Uproarious laughter and applause]
Scene: Sally’s Promotion PSA (16:03)
(Character breakdown: It’s like an educational film of the 50s, so Voiceover is your classic sexist, didactic patriarch type; and Sally is a daffy, clueless young woman; Frank is a gruff, cranky, old boss – a Danny DeVito type.)
[The overall sound is staticy, like an old film; voices are a bit muffled and scratchy; there is unobtrusive background music of hokey old jazzy muzak]
Sam (as Voiceover): Ah, the typical office. Filled with smoke, whiskey, and gruff language, this really is a man’s world. But what’s this?
[Women talking; footsteps in high heels]
Nowadays, more and more workplaces are facing a strange problem. How to deal with Girls at Work.
[Brief organ fanfare]
Here’s Sally, a typical girl worker. Note how timid she is.
[Typewriter clacking]
How do you feel about work, Sally?
Janet (as Sally): Gee, mister. It’s awful tough. I work longer hours than the men, perform better on all my tasks, and fix all their dumb mistakes.
Sam (as Voiceover): Haha. Like most women, Sally is often hysterical like this. When girls lose control of their emotions, it’s best to ignore them.
[Beat]
Janet (as Sally): Mister? Where’d you go?
Sam (as Voiceover): Or else to patronise them, like so:
There there, Sally. Maybe you’re just not cut out for men’s work.
Janet (as Sally): Oh.
Sam (as Boss, barking): Sally? Come to my office!
Janet (as Sally): Uh-oh…
[Door slam]
Sam (as Voiceover): Looks like someone’s in trouble. Girls have to be disciplined more often, because their work isn’t as good.
[Door open]
Janet (as Sally): Thanks, Mr Brewster!
Sam (as Boss, kind): No, Sally, thank you.
Sam (as Voiceover): Well, Sally?
Janet (as Sally): Mr Brewster just gave me a promotion!
Sam (as Voiceover): …I’m sorry, a what?
Janet (as Sally): He says I’ve been excelling!
Sam (as Voiceover, confused): That…that can’t be right.
Janet (as Sally): I get to manage my own team! The future’s looking real bright for my career!
Sam (as Voiceover, frightened): No! Stop! It’s all going wrong!
Janet (as Sally): What’s the matter, Mister?
Sam (as Voiceover): This was supposed to be about how inferior women are!
Janet (as Sally): How come?
Sam (as Voiceover): You can’t be a good worker, Sally! I had it all planned out!
Janet (as Sally): Beg pardon, Mister?
Sam (as Voiceover, between sobs): You were going to give up your career, marry me, and become a homemaker! We were going to have 4 or 5 little Junior Voiceovers running around!
Janet (as Sally): I’m gonna call someone-
Sam (as Voiceover): I NEED YOU TO FAIL, SALLY.
Sam (as Boss): This guy bothering you, Sally?
Janet (as Sally): Yeah, honestly, he’s been following me around a lot, sir. He comments on everything I do.
Sam (as Boss): Hey, dipstick. You’re harassing my star employee. Scram!
Sam (as Voiceover, fading out as he’s dragged away): Saaaalllyyyyyyyyyy! 
[Scene fading out]
Sam (as Boss): These disembodied voice-overs, I tell ya. Anyway, let’s take a look at your new office, you’re gonna love it...
Blackout: Amateurmotion (18:32)
Sam (as Voiceover): Promotion
SFX door
Sam (as Employee): You wanted to see me, ma’am?
Janet (as Boss): Henderson, I’ve got some good news. You’re such a pro, we’re giving you a pro-motion.
Sam (as Employee): That’s great news, ma’am.
Janet (as Boss): Your report? Fantastic! Crystal clear; loved it!
Sam (as Employee): All in a day’s work.
Janet (as Boss): Your presentation on ROI? Exactly what we wanted, great job.
Sam (as Employee): Happy to help.
Janet (as Boss): Sales? Through the roof! I don’t know how you do it.
Sam (as Employee): The product sells itself.
Janet (as Boss): This promotion is the least we can do, Henderson. Now keep it up – pro.
Sam (as Employee): This is the best day of my life.
[A swoosh! and we cut to:]
Sam (as Voiceover): Amateur-motion.
Sam (as Employee): Hello, old lady.
Janet (as Boss): Henderson, I’ve got some bad news. You’re such an amateur, we’re giving you an amateur-motion.
Sam (as Employee): Want some Big Gulp? It gives you mouth-farts. Burp!
Janet (as Boss): First, there was your report. A 400-page walkthrough for Jak and Daxter.
[Pew-pew of lasers]
Sam (as Employee): PS2 rocks!
Janet (as Boss): When we asked you to evaluate ROI, your presentation went “ROI is the French word for king”.
Sam (as Employee, self-satisfied): Merci, señor!
Janet (as Boss): Under your direction, sales have absolutely sky-rocketed–
[Beat]
on Craigslist! Stop selling our office supplies, Henderson! I should have you arrested.
[Ch-ching of a cash register]
Sam (as Employee, very stupid): Did I do bad?
Janet (as Boss): This amateur-motion is the least you deserve, Henderson. You’re a disaster. Now get out of my sight.
Sam (as Employee): This is the best day of my life. Thanks, Mom!
Janet (as Boss): Tell your father I’ll be home for dinner.
SFX of door.
Janet (as Boss): Never should have made him Senior VP. But that’s Nepotism for you. Now then, who to fire?
[Sad trombone: wah wah wahhhhh]
Scene: Sam Gets Promoted, part 1 (20:08)
[Cheerful, jingly muzak in background; scratching sound of pen writing on paper]
Janet (while writing): What’s the deal with uh…bosses. Is that funny? Ohhh, where’s Sam?
[Door opens, closes]
Sam: [Hums “Wannabe” by Spice Girls to self]
Janet: There you are, Sam! Where have you been?
Sam: Oh hey, Janet! Guess what! I just had a meeting with our bosses at Widget Media-
Janet: Ooo, are they finally letting us change the show’s name to Twerk It?
Sam: No-
Janet: Did they agree to let us do our next live special from Antigua?
Sam: No…
Janet: Did they finally fire your sorry [censor beep]–ss? 
Sam: No, dumb[beep]–ss, I got a promotion!
[Beat]
Janet (baffled): But…why?
Sam: I think they really loved that off-colour joke in my scene last week. 
(Knowingly:)
You know the one…
Janet: How come I didn’t get a promotion?
Sam: Well, I mean, you know…
Janet: No, I don’t know.
Sam: You’re, like…
Janet: Like what?
Sam: You’re a girl.
Janet: WHAT.
Sam: Unpaid campus radio sketch comedy is a man’s game. It would be…weird.
Janet (high-pitched): How dare they discriminate against me because of my sex!
Sam: Okay, there you go. No one can take you seriously when you sound like a squeak toy.
Janet (low-pitched, with vocal fry): What about this. You know I have a wide range.
Sam: Only guys can get away with vocal fry.
Janet: And didn’t I write that off-colour joke last week?
Sam: People don’t like funny women, Janet.
Janet: How do you know all this?
Sam: Studies have shown that these are all actual barriers against women’s advancement!
Janet: I hate everything! 
[Chime sound, suggesting transition, but then we’re still with our normal scene:]
Sam: Frankly, I’m more shocked that you were shocked.
Janet: Well, what does your promotion entail?
Sam: They were pretty vague, so I assume I can just take over here.
Janet: Oh no.
Sam: First of all, we’re changing the name to “Sam presents Sam’s Comedy Show, featuring Sam”.
Janet: But what about me?
Sam: Ugh, always about you. You’re demoted to coffee-fetcher and general adorer.
Janet: What does that even mean?
Sam (condescending): Uh, less a-boring, more adoring. Thank you!
Scene: How To Sabotage Coworkers, Workout Video (22:25)
(Character breakdown: this is a parody of 80s fitness videos, so Cal and Josanne are both peppy, fit trainers; Mr. Murdoch is gruff and all-business.)
[Peppy 80s, workout music continous, in background]
Sam (as Cal): Hey everyone! I’m Cal Bonson-
Janet (as Josanne): And I’m Josanne McDowd. Welcome to Take a Break, where we help you keep a fit and fun career.
Sam (as Cal): Today on Take a Break, we’re gonna tackle everyone’s biggest problem area - promotions!
Janet (as Josanne): Now, most of us would love a great promotion, but we let our overachieving, brown-nosing coworkers hold us back.
Sam (as Cal): That’s right, Josanne. Some people make getting a promotion look easy!
Janet (as Josanne): Here are some of the best ways to overpower the competition!
Sam (as Cal): And by ‘overpower the competition’, we of course mean sabotage your rival’s career.
Janet (as Josanne): Let’s get warmed up with some general mischief. Plant a whoopie cushion on your enemy’s chair.
[Whoopie cushion ‘farting’]
Sam (as Cal): Nice and easy, that’s the way! Next, use touching personal stories to make your office rival cry.
[Sniffling and crying]
How unprofessional!
Janet (as Josanne): Just make sure the boss sees!
Sam (as Cal): Now that we’re warmed up, let’s kick it into high gear.
Janet (as Josanne): Ready? For this next exercise, you’re going to infiltrate your rival’s inner circle to destroy their life from the inside out.
Sam (as Cal): I love Groucho Marx glasses for this! Next, covertly drop into your rival coworker’s office from the ceiling, to steal important documents and erase their files.
Janet (as Josanne): Our next exercise is self-improvement. Set some attainable goals, maybe talk to a mentor-
Sam (as Cal): Josanne, what the sh–[censor beep] is this about?
[Quickly fade out exercise music; quickly fade in sentimental, new age-y guitar music]
Janet (as Josanne, ‘sincere’): Well, Cal…it’s just that, maybe career advancement isn’t really about out-muscling the competition, after all. What if- what if everyone worked together as a team, for the mutual benefit of all? [end music]
Sam (as Cal, getting weepy): Wow, that was really beautiful, Josanne. Truly, I’m going to rethink my entire-
Janet (as Josanne, got him): Ha! Cal’s crying! Hey Mr Murdoch, you see this display of unprofessionalism in my colleague?
[End sentimental music; resume workout music]
Sam (as Cal, heartbroken): What!?
Sam (as Mr. Murdoch): Well, Cal, I was about to promote you, but I see now that you can’t handle the pressure. Josanne, congratulations.
Janet (as Josanne): Thanks Mr Murdoch!
Sam (as Cal): But I’m the stronger worker! We all know it!
Janet (as Josanne): See folks? It’s just that easy. Until next time, keep a fit and fun career.
[Fading out]
Sam (as Cal): I swear to god Josanne, I will ruin you. Where’s that whoopie cushion?
Song: Give Me a Promotion (24:24)
(Scene breakdown: To the tune of “Do the Locomotion”; Boss is gruff; Employee is perky and ‘cute’ sounding; the Sewer Chums are sludge-creatures, grunting and dim-witted.)
Janet (as Employee, singing): I’ve been working really hard and I feel fair in asking / Come on boss-man, give me a promotion!
Sam (as Boss, singing): I’d really love to, Sally, but your performance is lacking / I’m sorry, I can’t give you a promotion!
Janet (as Employee, singing): I meet my sales targets consistently…
Sam (as Boss, singing): While drinking on the job like your Bukowski…
Janet (as Employee, singing): Aw, come on, come on, give out a promotion to me!
Sam (as Boss, singing): You’ve can’t have sex with the intern / In the lunchroom / It’s gross!
Janet (as Employee, singing): You prude! / Well, I think you should relax! Woah oh oh.
[Record scratch; office ambiance in background; music stops abruptly]
Sam (as Boss, spoken): That’s it, I’m going home. See you on Monday, Sally.
Janet (as Employee, spoken): I’m not dropping this!
Sam (as Boss, spoken): You better! I’m heading home.
[Office door shuts – end office ambiance; car starting and driving]
Sam (as Boss, spoken, to self): That Sally’s crazy, a raise!, can you imagine?
[Car horn in distance; music begins fading back in]
Sam (as Boss, spoken): Are you kidding me?!
[Song resumes, along with traffic sounds – honking, screeching, vroom]
Janet (as Employee, singing): I won’t leave you alone until you pay to keep me! / Come on, Boss Man, give me a promotion!
Sam (as Boss, singing): Please leave me alone, this is really creepy! / I mean it, Sally, you can’t have a promotion.
Janet (as Employee, singing): I’ll break into your house around 3AM / and scream into your face “Give me a promotion!” again.
Sam (as Boss, singing): That’s it, enough, I’m sorry, but you’re fired, Sally!
[Car peeling away and pursuing during sax solo; at conclusion of solo, sounds of car crash]
Janet (as Employee, singing): Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. /
I’m living in the sewer with my sewer-y chums, yeah!
Sam (multitracked as Sewer Chums, singing): Her stupid boss wouldn’t give her a promotion!
Janet (as Employee, singing): We play on pots and pans and an old oil drum, yeah!
Sam (multitracked as Sewer Chums, singing): We feast on sewage and drink Promotion Lotion
Janet (as Employee): We will drink the blood of the surface folk / we’ll rampage through their cities and eat their bones! / So come on, come on, the sewer people’s uprising begins!
[With song still in background, sound of roaring, snarling beasts; people screaming; large-scale destruction and violence; fade out]
Scene: Sam Gets Promoted, part 2 (27:03)
[Cheerful, jingly muzak in background; a beat]
Sam (insistent): Say it…
Janet: Ugghhhhh…
[Whip]
Sam: Say it!
Janet: Welcome back to Sam presents: Sam’s Comedy Show.
Sam: Featuring?…
Janet: Sam.
Sam: I’m sorry, who?
Janet: [Sigh] The divine venerable august merciful tall boss-guy Sam, who is funnier than Janet.
Sam: Better.
Janet: Do I have to do this next bit?
Sam: I could just fire you, instead.
Janet: I humbly present a joke: Who is awesomer than the divine venerable august merciful tall boss-guy Sam, who is funnier than Janet?
Sam: Ummm, I dunno, Janet. Who?
Janet: It is a trick question. There is no one awesomer.
[Canned laughter]
Sam: What a good joke, Janet!
[Phone ring]
Sam: Ah, the official Sam’s Comedy Show hotline! You may answer, Janet, but I’m not at home to anyone except Jeff Bezos.
[Pick up phone]
Janet: Hello thank you for calling Sam presents-
[Cartoony walla on other end]
Oh! Our Widget Media overlords!
[Walla]
Sorry, Sam isn’t home to anyone except Jeff Bezos.
[Walla]
I dunno, maybe Bill Gates?
[Walla]
Yeah, ever since he got his promotion.
[Walla]
Wait…you meant he just needs to do more promotion?
Sam: Uh-oh…
[Walla]
Janet: And I’m getting a promotion?
Sam: Uh-oh…
[Walla]
Janet: Yes, I agree, he is a giant raging dumdum. I’ll be sure to tell him. Byeeeee.
Sam: So Janet, it was real nice of you to play along with all that jokey tyrant stuff earlier on-
Janet: Sam, things are going to be a bit different around here.
Sam (humiliated): Serves me right.
Scene: Outro (28:58)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: Well, folks, another episode of – sigh – the Amazing Janet’s Audio Miracle Half-Hour, You Weekly Dose of Mowat Magnificence... I know, I’m getting to it! – with Sam appearing as Slugboy, the ugliest creature on earth.
Do I have to say this? Fine. “I hope you listened carefully so you don’t end up stupid like me. Slugboy. Disgusting too.”
For more updates on the Goddess Janet herself, follow @WorkItPod on twitter, instagram and facebook. Or, follow me around the street, pelting me with rotting vegetables, since that’s what I deserve.
Alright, that’s it! See you next week.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]