Ep. 018
All Fired Up
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at firing, which as our sketches we'll show is no laughing matter, please stay on the line.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Welcome to Work It 18, where today’s topic is firing.
Speaking of episode 18, this show is barely legal. And with jokes like that, you can see why.
To the topic at hand, you know they say Prometheus stole fire from the gods. And then a bird ate his liver. And that’s how firing was invented. As is so often the case when things go wrong, blame Prometheus.
(Struggling to improvise:)
So fire up your, uh... laugh... uh, engine... ‘cause, here comes... oh, never mind.
[Theme music fades out]
Scene: Firing Squad (1:13)
[Tense music – synth cello or something – in background; cavernous dripping; a big, heavy door opens]
Janet (as Boss): Eric?
Sam (as Eric, nervous): Y- yeah?
Janet (as Boss): I’m afraid it’s time.
Sam (as Eric): Oh no.
[Big door closes, footsteps]
Janet (as Boss): Cigarette?
Sam (as Eric): Oh, uh, sure.
Janet (as Boss): Sorry. You can’t smoke here.
Sam (as Eric, with a mirthless laugh): Well, what would you do, fire me?
Janet (as Boss): That’s really not something to joke about.
[Beat; heavy door opening; birds singing]
Janet (as Boss): Here’s the courtyard. Put this blindfold on, please.
Sam (as Eric, terrified): Oh geez.
Janet (as Boss): And stand against the wall, there you go.
Sam (as Eric): This can’t be happening.
Janet (as Boss): The squad’s here, Eric. Last words?
Sam (as Eric): You don’t have to do this! I’ve learned my lesson! I’ll change!
Janet (as Boss): Noted. Okay, Captain, go ahead.
Sam (as Captain): Squad, ready!
Sam (as Eric): Oh no!
Sam (as Captain): Aim!
Sam (as Eric): Please!
Sam and Janet (as Squad): You’re fired!
[Beat]
Sam (as Eric, mildly disappointed): Rats.
Janet (as Boss): Eric, hand me your keys and your fob, please. Thanks, firing squad.
Sam (as Captain): Our pleasure, ma’am.
Scene: The Terminator (2:06)
(Scene breakdown: this is a movie trailer parody so the Voiceover is dramatic, with lots of reverb; Terminator is ‘played by’ spliced clips from a variety of his appearances, as grabbed from soundboards like this and this, and these ones with clips from Terminator 2, Terminator 1, Terminator 3, and the T2 arcade game; the Boss sounds like they’re a pushy character from an old Hollywood film, maybe a Noir; the two Employees are just useless, lazy, entitled brats.)
[Dramatic, cinematic music, continuous in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Coming soon. From the minds that brought you Work It. With the help of an internet soundboard.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Hasta la vista, baby.
Sam (as Voiceover): He was sent here with a mission.
Janet (as Boss): So head office sent you to help me clean things up here, eh?
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Affirmative.
Janet (as Boss): My team just isn’t performing. Are you prepared to make some tough decisions?
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Of course. I’m a terminator.
Janet (as Boss): Excellent.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Excellent.
Sam (as Voiceover): His targets are many.
[Fade out music; fade in office ambiance, continuous in background]
Janet (as Employee Two, lackadaisical): You going to do any work today, Hal? Or just play solitaire all day?
Sam (as Employee One, ditto): You’re one to talk, Courtney. You’re, like, glued to your Instagram.
Janet (as Boss, calling from his office): Hal, Courtney – my office, please.
Sam (as Employee One): Can’t you see we’re busy?
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): I insist.
Janet (as Employee Two): Ugh, fine.
[Fade out ambiance; fade in music]
Sam (as Voiceover): Some jobs require the cold heart of a machine.
Janet (as Boss): Take a seat.
Sam (as Employee One): Who’s this clown?
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): I’m a Terminator.
Janet (as Employee Two): Oh, yeah? And what do you do, Mr. Terminator?
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Fire at will.
Janet (as Boss): Courtney, Hal: We’ve had to make some difficult decisions.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): You are terminated.
Sam (as Employee One): Whatever, this place would fall apart without me.
Janet (as Boss): I’m afraid it’s true, Hal. Please collect your things.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Get out – now – assh–[censor beep]
Sam (as Employee One): You can’t fire me, I quit!
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): You cannot self-terminate.
Sam (as Employee One): I’m going to get a lawyer and file a complaint with HR; you’ll be sorry!
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Chill out, d–[beep]wad.
Janet (as Employee Two, crying): Please, no. I’ll do my work.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Why do you cry?
Janet (as Employee Two, crying): I don’t have any savings, I spend all my money on cocktails and tanning and celebrity magazines.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): I know now why you cry.
Janet (as Employee Two): Have a heart! I beg you.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Listen to me very carefully.
Janet (as Employee Two, sniffling): Okay. I’m listening.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Talk to the hand!
Janet (as Employee Two, heartbroken): Waaah!!
Janet (as Boss): Geez, Terminator. Bit harsh.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Excellent.
Sam (as Voiceover): What will he do after terminating all his targets?
Janet (as Boss): Well, Terminator. We cleared out some dead weight. Great work!
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): I need a vacation.
Janet (as Boss): We could grab a drink at that wings place where the frat boys hang out.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): I swear I will not kill anyone.
Janet (as Boss): Eh, go ahead. They’re frat boys.
Arnold Schwarzenegger (as Terminator): Excellent.
Sam (as Voiceover): Coming soon. Say, a week, week and a half. Or tell you what, when do you want to see it? Here, I’ll send out a Doodle link.
[Fade out music]
Blackout: Scripts for Firing People, part 1 (4:19)
[Perky, reggae-ish background muzak]
Janet: If you’ve been following our tips and insights these past few months, by now you’re probably a high-ranking, top-tier businessy…boss…person.
Sam: And this kind of success offers its own challenges! For example, businessy boss people sometimes have to fire subordinates.
Janet: Now, this is something Sam & I happen to be very experienced at.
Sam: One of us is always trying to fire the other over whatever petty dispute we’re having that day.
Janet: Calling me petty, are you?
Sam (mean-spirited): Yeah! And dumb!
Janet (offended): Why I oughta…you’re fired!
Sam (resentful): Good! I hate this stupid show anyway!
Janet (brushing it off): See? We do this stuff all the time.
Sam (ditto): It’s basically how we say “hello!”
Janet: So we thought it would be helpful for you, our hapless hangers-on, if we could walk you through the awkward process of firing your inferiors.
Sam: With our wide-ranging expertise, we’ve come up with scripts for every conceivable situation. We’ve left names blank, so just fill those in and you’re good to go!
Janet: Ready, everyone?
Sam: Ready!
Janet: Didn’t I fire you?
Sam: Shut up, Janet.
[Fade out music]
Janet (as Voiceover): How to fire a lazy person.
[Office ambiance]
Sam (as Manager): Ah, come on in, 
Sam (as Voiceover, stiff): insert-name-here.
Sam (as Manager): Yes, all the way through the door, please. Almost there.
[Beat]
Okay fine, you can just lie down in the doorway. 
Sam (as Voiceover, stiff): Insert-name-here, 
Sam (as Manager): I’m sorry to tell you we won’t be keeping you on the team anymore.
[Beat]
Hey! Wake up!
[Beat]
You’re fired!
[Beat]
K fine, don’t get up, I’ll just roll you down the hall here.
[Fade out office ambiance; fade in background muzak]
Janet (as Voiceover): How to fire someone who has bad-mouthed you.
[Fade out muzak; fade in office ambiance]
Janet (as Manager): Ah, hello 
Janet (as Voiceover, stiff): insert-name-here. 
Janet (as Manager): How nice to see you. Now, I know we’ve had our differences in the past. It’s a real shame things had to be like that.
[pause]
What’s that? Yes, I’m looking forward to patching things up, too. Maybe we can grab a drink. My treat, since you won’t have any money, because YOU’RE FIRED.
(Taunting:)
You hear me, loser? You dweeeeeb? I’m better than you after all, and now you don’t have a job.
[Beat]
What? No, I won’t still get you a drink! I just said that for dramatic effect.
[Beat]
(Relenting:)
Ugh, fine. Thursday?
[Fade out office ambiance; fade in background muzak]
Janet (as Voiceover): How to fire a sexual harasser.
[Fade out muzak; fade in office ambiance]
Sam (as Manager): Yes, hi,
Sam (as Voiceover, stiff): insert-name-here. 
Sam (as Manager): Come on in. These are my associates Mark “Muscles” Maloney and Alphonse “[censor beep]–ss-Kicker” Durand. They’d like a quick word with you. Later.
[Sounds of someone getting beaten up; fade out office ambiance; fade in background muzak]
Janet: These sure are helpful, aren’t they?
Sam: And ethical!
Janet: Stay tuned for more of our amazing scripts later in the show!
Blackout: Cancelled, part 1 (6:50)
[Cheesy tango muzak in background]
Sam: A lot of people are calling for our heads after some old social media posts of ours came to light.
Janet: We unequivocally apologize. Please don’t get us fired!
Sam: We take it all back!
Janet: I deeply regret my tweets about the outward appearance of French film directors. No matter how accurate, I now see that my remarks were cruel and arguably close to hate speech. My vivid description of their bodies was not only uncalled for, I’m told it was, in several cases, vomit-inducing. I myself am far from perfect. Stop contacting our employer, please.
Sam: I also wish to apologize to the world’s major religions for a song I have since removed from Soundcloud. Though it was written in a spirit of fun and simply asking questions, I now realize it is responsible for instigating several minor holy wars. That was not my intent. Please don’t get us fired.
Janet: When I tweeted those things about the Girl Scouts, again I tweeted from a position of ignorance. I now understand that they do not now nor have they ever engaged in the ritual sacrifice of senior citizens. I hereby retract all my remarks concerning the things Girl Scouts get up to in the woods. I have no evidence to back up my claims, and regret my statements to the contrary. I am the victim of bad information. Stop @-ing our employer! Please?
Sam: Once again, we apologize if we caused any offence with any of our social media posts. Please stop bringing it to the attention of our employers. No matter how much of a …
[A string of very brief word fragments and censor beeps]
…you may be, please accept our apology. And don’t get us fired!
Scene: Creative Firing (8:15)
(Derek and Britney are both influencer types: aggressively upbeat, youthful, while selling you something.)
[Peppy, chiptune-y music in background]
Sam (as Derek): What’s up guys, welcome back to our channel! I’m Derek.
Janet (as Britney): And I’m Britney, your favourite #girlboss-
Sam (as Derek): And #guyboss!
Janet (as Britney): Tons of you have been requesting inspiration for layoff season.
Sam (as Derek): And you’ll be glad to hear that schadenfreude is still in! Now last year was all about texting.
Janet (as Britney): And we still love it! Firing someone over text is sooo me.
Sam (as Derek): Be careful with emojis, though! Some people think the fire symbol just means they’re super lit.
Janet (as Britney): When they’re actually super fired. I like to use a guillotine!
Sam (as Derek): There’s a guillotine emoji?
Janet (as Britney): Emoji?
Sam (as Derek): Want to be an even more cold-hearted b*stard? Our top 6 creative firings will take your layoffs to the next level!
Janet (as Britney): Number 6, scavenger hunt!
Sam (as Derek): This is so cute, and so fun. Hide stuff around the office, and promise a big surprise for the winner.
Janet (as Britney): Surprise! As if the scavenger hunt wasn’t demeaning enough, now you’re fired!
Sam (as Derek): #5 on our list is bobbing for jobs!
[Splash!]
Janet (as Britney): It’s like bobbing for apples, but one of them is the layoff apple. You can tell because it’s poisoned!
Sam (as Derek): The employee might survive the resulting illness, but their job sure won’t!
Janet (as Britney): Our number 4 creative way to fire someone is musical chairs!
Sam (as Derek): Provide enough chairs for everyone, so that they’re lulled into a false sense of security-
Janet (as Britney): Then have a trick chair eject someone straight out the window! 
[Smash! of glass]
Sam (as Derek): And into a vat of lava! 
[Wilhelm scream; bubbling and hissing]
Janet (as Britney): #3, try hot potato!
Sam (as Derek): But instead of a potato, they uncover a stick of dynamite! 
[Sizzling fuse; boom!]
Janet (as Britney): Talk about blasting onto the unemployment scene.
Sam (as Derek): Our number 2 favourite way to fire someone is with a piñata! 
[Thud of banging]
Janet (as Britney): Be careful with the sticks, though.
Sam (as Derek): Nothing ruins a good layoff like an armed insurrection!
Janet (as Britney): We wanted our number 1 tip to stay with the theme of fun kids’ games gone awry-
Sam (as Derek): But we ran out of ideas. So we’ll just go with ‘cage match.’
[Fighting, crowd cheering]
Janet (as Britney): Check out our vlog from last week, when we held a massive all-staff battle royale!
Sam (as Derek): It cost a bundle to clean up all that gore…
Janet (as Britney): But now we have 6 fewer salaries to pay!
Sam (as Derek): Well that’s it for this video, guys.
Janet (as Britney): Come back tomorrow to see our trip to the H&M factory.
Sam (as Derek): We learned a ton about sweatshops!
Janet (as Britney): #inspiration! Love you guys!
Blackout: You Can’t Fire Me, I Quit, part 1 (10:28)
[Cheesy tango muzak in background]
Sam: You can’t fire me! I quit!
Janet: You can’t dock my pay! I’m penniless!
Sam: You can’t murder me! I’m a ghost!
Janet: You can’t trick me! I stupid!
Sam: You can’t insult me! I’m ugly!
Blackout: Celebrity Apprentice, part 1 (10:42)
[Tense, dramatic music in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): This week on Celebrity Apprentice.
[Clip of Donald Trump from Celebrity Apprentice saying “You’re fired!”]
Sam (as Voiceover): Spencer Pratt and GI Joe’s restaurant is off to a rocky start: Leona Helmsley’s an awful chef and their waiter is this guy.
[Clip of Sesame Street scene where a baker sings “10 chocolate eclair cakes” at the top of some stairs, and then falls down the stairs with the cakes – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SCQ24T-viw]
Sam (as Voiceover): GI Joe calls in help from an unlikely source…
[Clip of Teddy Ruxpin toy saying, “Hi, my name is Teddy Ruxpin”]
Janet (as Snooty Customer): Garçon, there’s a hair in my soup. Well, bear? What do you have to say about it?
[Bear growling and attacking; person screaming]
Sam (as Voiceover): Thursdays at 8 on the Widget Network.
Blackout: Euphemisms for Fired (11:19)
[Soft, mellow lounge music in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Euphemisms for fired.
Janet: Let go.
Sam: Made redundant.
Janet: Made redundant.
Sam: Dismissed.
Janet: Dismistered.
Sam: De-groceried.
Janet: Bottom of the food chain’ed.
Sam: Undergone a Jobectomy
Janet: Un-monied.
Sam: Mr. Noodled
Janet: Limboing Under the Poverty Line
Sam: Klassic Scorpion Fatalitied
[Clip from Mortal Kombat game of “Toasty!” guy. (Yes, we know it’s Dan Forden.)]
Janet: Released
Sam: Discharged
Janet: Prematurely ejaculated
[Record scratch; music stops abruptly]
Sam (annoyed, angry): Okay, we’re done here!
Blackout: Scripts for Firing People, part 2 (11:50)
[Perky, reggae-ish background muzak]
Sam: Well Janet, I guess we’ve been keeping our listeners waiting long enough.
Janet: You’re right, Sam. It’s time we shared the rest of our super-helpful scripts for firing your inferiors.
Sam: Covering every conceivable scenario.
Janet: We’ve been extremely thorough. Just fill in the names, and we take care of the rest!
Janet (as Voiceover): How to fire a henchman.
[Fade out music; bubbling, electricity, as of a mad scientist’s lair]
Janet (as Supervillain): Yes, hello, 
Janet (as Voiceover, stiff): insert-sinister-name-such-as-Azazel-or-Diabolos. 
Janet (as Supervillain): Do come in. Watch out for the disembodied head there - yes, it’s a work in progress.
Janet (as Voiceover, stiff): Insert-sinister-name, 
Janet (as Supervillain): I’m afraid you’re fired. You’ve been most loyal, and remarkably enthusiastic about retrieving corpses.
[Beat]
Janet (as Voiceover, stiff): Insert-sinister-name, 
Janet (as Supervillain): the thing is, you’re just not grotesque enough. I’d rather fancied, based on your evil name, that you would embody the classic traits of a henchman. Instead, every day I must confront this radiant Adonis. It’s extremely off-putting.
[Beat]
Yes, that’s the spirit, perhaps you would be a good fit at the city morgue. I’ll give you a glowing reference, rest assured.
[Fade out lab sounds; fade in muzak]
Janet (as Voiceover): How to fire a pachyderm.
[Fade out muzak; fade in carnival music, elephant trumpeting]
Sam (as Circus Leader): Okay, 
Sam (as Voiceover, stiff): insert-elephant name,
Sam (as Circus Leader):hold still, there’s a good girl. I need to talk to you.
[Trumpeting]
Sam (as Voiceover, stiff): insert-elephant name,
Sam (as Circus Leader): there’s no easy way to say this. You’re fired.
[Trumpeting]
For trampling those guests, yes.
[SFX trumpeting]
Now, 
Sam (as Voiceover, stiff): insert-elephant name,
Sam (as Circus Leader): don’t be like this. I know you’re thick-skinned.
[Rimshot; fade out circus sounds; fade in muzak]
Janet (as Voiceover): How to fire the President of the United States.
[Fade out muzak]
Janet: Hey, you know who sure as sh–[censor beep] needs to figure that out? The Democrats!
[Roars of laughter; cheers]
Thank you. Thank you.
Blackout: Cancelled, part 2 (13:27)
[Cheesy tango muzak in background]
Janet: Regrettably, since our last apology, we made some additional comments on social media that have upset many of our followers.
Sam: We want to take this opportunity to apologize, again, as well as to say: please stop trying to get us fired? Please?
Janet: Contrary to remarks I made, I have the utmost respect for soccer moms all across this great nation. The particular insects that I compared them to are, in fact, industrious, loyal, and powerful, but I now realize that my tweets were open to misinterpretation. In the future, I will refrain from using such ambiguous similes. Don’t get us fired!
Sam: The tweets in which I described Stanley Tucci as a hygienic product for women were 100% intended as a compliment. He’s actually a very clean character actor, if not the cleanest. I have since learned that he is free of the numerous diseases I alleged he was host to, including but not limited to three types of plague. What can I say, other than: I’m no doctor and I apologize for any misrepresentation of this fact. Can we keep our job now?
Janet: Italians: I offer my sincere apology. You don’t sound like that, nor do I think your nonnas are capable of the things I accused them of in a deeply problematic series of tweets. I will be visiting Abruzzo to perform community service in the coming months. I know it doesn’t make up for the illustrations I posted, but I hope it’s a start. Don’t get us fired.
Sam: Some of my best friends are Olympic decathletes, which is why it pains me so that my comments on the decathlon were so widely misunderstood. The things I’m accused of saying about decathletes I would not use of my worst enemy, but I can see how, out of context, they would appear to be unforgivable. Please take them in the spirit they were intended, and not as the filth that a bad faith reading might suggest. Please?
Janet: From the bottom of our hearts, we did not mean to cause any offence. We are people who practice what we preach, and try to treat every person with love and kindness, even if they’re a…
[A string of very brief word fragments and censor beeps]
…to us, and so, again, please accept our apologies.
Sam: But don’t get us fired!
Scene: Hercules’ PIP (15:27)
(Character breakdown: Hercules is ‘heroic-sounding’ – confident, bassy; Pythia is an HR manager type – businesslike, conservative.)
[Knocking; moody, Balkan-sounding music continuous in background]
Sam (as Hercules): You wanted to see me, Pythian Oracle?
Janet (as Pythia): Ah, Hercules, there you are. I just wanted to go over your annual performance review.
Sam (as Hercules): Okay, sure.
[Paper rustling]
Janet (as Pythia): Where’s that file…ah, here it is- aha. Oh dear.
Sam (as Hercules): What’s the matter?
Janet (as Pythia): Hercules, I’m afraid the gods have been pretty unhappy with your performance of late.
Sam (as Hercules): Is this about that thing with killing my family?
Janet (as Pythia): We expected more from a demigod, Hercules.
Sam (as Hercules): Come on, that wasn’t my fault! Hera drove me mad! She’s got it out for me!
Janet (as Pythia): Shifting blame to Hera now, are we? Tsk tsk tsk. Very disappointing.
Sam (as Hercules): So…am I fired?
Janet (as Pythia): Well, legally, we can’t fire you without a warning.
Sam (as Hercules): So-
Janet (as Pythia): So this is your warning. We’re placing you on a Performance Improvement Plan, or PIP for short, starting now.
Sam (as Hercules): Aren’t those just a convenient excuse for you to fire me?
Janet (as Pythia): Nonsense. We have every confidence that you’ll meet all the expectations of this perfectly normal PIP.
Sam (as Hercules): Well, what do I have to do?
Janet (as Pythia): You need to complete 10 impossible tasks.
Sam (as Hercules): Oh come on!
Janet (as Pythia): If you’d prefer to resign-
Sam (as Hercules): Okay, fine! I’ll do it!
Janet (as Pythia): Great. Shouldn’t take you more than a decade.
Sam (as Hercules): Wait, how long?
Janet (as Pythia): Okay, off you go!
Sam (as Hercules): I’ve got a bad feeling about this…
[Heroic music in background; swords clashing; occasional Hercules cries ‘aha!’ or ‘have at you!’]
Janet (as Voiceover): And so, the mighty Hercules completed his impossible tasks. Year after year, the great hero faced challenges that would make the strongest mortal tremble.
Slaying the Nemean lion…
[Lion roar]
Capturing the Erymanthian boar…
[Pig squealing]
Stealing the mares of Diomedes…
[Horses neighing]
Taking the Amazon Hippolyta’s girdle…
[Lady going ‘ooo!’]
Until at last, 10 years later…
[Knocking on door]
Janet (as Pythia): Come in!
Sam (as Hercules, panting, out of breath): I…I did it.
Janet (as Pythia): Hercules! You’re back! Just in time for your performance review. Please sit down.
[Chair scraping]
Sam (as Hercules): [Continues panting]
Janet (as Pythia): Well, how was that? Did you learn a valuable lesson?
Sam (as Hercules): Just tell me if I passed.
Janet (as Pythia): Of course, of course. Let’s see here. 
[Paper rustles] 
Aha! Oh…oh dear, nonono.
Sam (as Hercules): What.
Janet (as Pythia): Well, I see here that your nephew helped you slay the hydra. 
[Monster roar]
Sam (as Hercules): What’s wrong with that?
Janet (as Pythia): You know, we were hoping you’d do it all this yourself…
Sam (as Hercules): Come on, it’s just one labour. I did the other 9 on my own!
Janet (as Pythia): Well…there’s the Augean stables, too.
Sam (as Hercules): I cleaned a whole bunch of cow dung. How is that bad?
Janet (as Pythia): Mmhm, mmhm…says here the river cleaned the stables.
Sam (as Hercules): But I’m the one who diverted the river!
Janet (as Pythia): Hercules, I’m sorry, you failed to live up to the improvement plan’s requirements. I’m afraid we’re letting you go.
Sam (as Hercules): But- but what about my 2 more labours? We all know the myth, I’m supposed to do 2 more labours and then become a god!
Janet (as Pythia): Yeah, well, thanks to this PIP, I’m not obligated to give you any more chances. Hera says hi. Sayonara!
[Cartoon-y explosion]
Blackout: You Can’t Fire Me, I Quit!, part 2 (18:37)
[Cheesy tango muzak in background]
Sam: You can’t fire me! I quit!
Janet (slurring): You can’t peer pressure me! I’m drunk!
Sam (flirtatious): You can’t flatter me, big boy! I’m vivaciously sexy!
Janet: You can’t embarrass me! I’m a human fart-machine!
Sam: You can’t marry my wife! I’m Odysseus!
Blackout: Celebrity Apprentice, part 2 (18:56)
[Tense, dramatic music in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): This week on Celebrity Apprentice.
[Clip of Donald Trump from Celebrity Apprentice saying “You’re fired!”]
Sam (as Voiceover): If anyone can run a pop-up art gallery, it’s Franz Kafka and Lambchop. But will the public embrace the work of their featured artists: Queen Victoria, Frank Zappa and R2-D2?
Janet (as Gallery Patron, snobby): You call this art?
[R2D2 clip going beep beep]
Janet (as Gallery Patron, offended): Well, I never!
[Clip of Lamb Chop the puppet saying, “Be seeing you! Ha ha ha!”]
Sam (as Voiceover): Thursdays at 8 on the Widget Network.
Scene: 5 Stages of Getting Fired (19:25)
(Lisa is a chipper, eager youngish millennial by nature, who undergoes stated mood-swings throughout; Greg is a gentle, but efficient boss.)
[Ambient office noise; knock at door, door opens]
Janet (as Lisa): You wanted to see me, Greg?
Sam (as Greg): Yeah, come on in Lisa.
[Chairs scraping]
Janet (as Lisa): I’ve got some great ideas for the Robins portfolio, by the way! [SFX paper rustling] Check this out, I’ve done some research-
Sam (as Greg): Uh, listen, that’s great, but you can just hang onto it.
Janet (as Lisa): Okay sure, how come?
Sam (as Greg): Lisa, I’m sorry to say we’re letting you go.
Janet (as Lisa): I’m- I’m fired?
Sam (as Greg): Yup.
Janet (as Voiceover): Denial.
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Lisa): Nope.
Sam (as Greg): Uh, what?
Janet (as Lisa): Nope, I’m not fired, I still have my job, this is fine.
Sam (as Greg): Lisa, I don’t have time for games here. You need to pack up your stuff-
Janet (as Lisa, sing-songy): Lalalalala I can’t hear you, I’m too busy being employed and getting paid and feeling good about myself!
Sam (as Greg): Lisa!
Janet (as Lisa, trailing off): Lalalalala
[Door close]
Sam (as Greg): Lisa?
Janet (as Voiceover): Anger. 
[Brief organ fanfare; dialing phone]
Sam (as Greg): Hi, security? I was just firing an employee, and-
[Door open]
Sam (as Greg): Oh, she’s back. 
[Phone hang up]
Janet (as Lisa): Listen, [censor beep]–sshole! I’ve worked my butt off for this worthless company full of ingrates and fools, and I’m not going without a tantrum! Aaaaaaaaaaa!
[Banging and crashing of office knick-knacks and furniture, continuous in background]
Sam (as Greg, over racked): Oh geez, Lisa. You’re making a scene.
Janet (as Lisa): [Continues yelling incoherently]
Sam (as Security): Hey, Security here, did you phone down earlier?
Sam (as Greg): Yeah, she’s right here.
Janet (as Lisa): You won't take me without a fight!
[Glass breaking]
Janet (as Voiceover): Bargaining 
[Brief organ fanfare; pen writing on paper]
Sam (as Clerk, extremely bored throughout): Hello, welcome to Hamilton Police Department. I’ll be processing your arrest.
Janet (as Lisa): I can’t go to jail! Isn’t there someone I can talk to?
Sam (as Clerk): Aren’t you in luck, you’re talking to me. Name?
Janet (as Lisa): Lisa Clark. Listen, I’ve got all the dirt on-
Sam (as Clerk): Reason for arrest?
Janet (as Lisa): Uh, I threw my boss’s chair out the window and punched a security guard. I’m telling you, I’ve got all the receipts on-
Sam (as Clerk, while writing): Punched…security…
Janet (as Lisa): Just let me off easy, I’ll help you blow this thing wide open!
Sam (as Clerk): Someone will take you to your cell shortly.
Janet (as Lisa): I’ll…give you $100?
Sam (as Clerk, writing): Bribing…police…officer…
Janet (as Lisa): Oh come on! $200?
Janet (as Voiceover): Depression. 
[Brief organ fanfare; heavy door slam; dripping]
Janet (as Lisa): [Sigh]
Janet (as Voiceover): Acceptance. 
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Lisa): Wait, what?
[Scraping of rocks]
Janet (as Voiceover): I said, acceptance.
[Hammer clinking]
Janet (as Lisa): I can’t hear you! What?
Janet (as Voiceover): Are you trying to tunnel out of prison?
[Jackhammer]
Janet (as Lisa): Huh?
Janet (as Voiceover): Acceptance, for the love of god, the next stage is acceptance!
Janet (as Lisa): Hey listen, cover this hole with a poster or something, will you? Buy me some time? Thanks, bye!
[Triumphant music]
Blackout: You Can’t Fire Me, I Quit!, part 3 (21:51)
[Cheesy tango muzak in background]
Sam: You can’t fire me! I quit!
Janet: You can’t sicken me! I’m barfing!
Sam: You can’t seduce me! I’m masturbating!
Janet: You can’t humiliate us –
Sam and Janet: We’re podcasters!
Blackout: Celebrity Apprentice, part 3 (22:06)
[Tense, dramatic music in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): This week on Celebrity Apprentice.
[Clip of Donald Trump from Celebrity Apprentice saying “You’re fired!”]
Sam (as Voiceover): It all comes down to this: Nermal’s crowdfunding app is gaining traction, but CTO, Trotsky, wants to refactor. Will old Pero betray Nermal’s trust to lead investors, Bill Gates and Donkey Kong? Or will help come from an unlikely source?
[Clip of Garfield from his old cartoon saying, “Smart kids watch this show; other kids change the channel.”]
Sam (as Voiceover): I know we said “unlikely source” in the earlier scene, but as if these shows aren’t, like, completely repetitive.
[Clip of Garfield: “Smart kids watch this show; other kids change the channel.”]
Sam (as Voiceover): Like, the walking Depends ad who hosted this crap is the leader of the free world! And you’re ragging on us for being a bit unimaginative? I mean, J–[censor beep]sus Chr–[beep]st. You know what, whatever. Ingrates.
[Footsteps stomping off, then stomping back]
Sam (as Voiceover): Thursdays at 8 on the Widget Network.
[Clip of Garfield: “Smart kids watch this show; other kids change the channel.”]
Scene: Folk Song (23:12)
[Bar noises – murmuring, plates; applause]
Sam (as MC, through sound system): Good evening everyone, thanks for coming out to our monthly Global Solutions Inc open mic. I’d like to welcome to the stage, everyone’s favourite Project Manager, Stacy!
[Applause, whistling from audience]
Janet (as Stacy): Hi guys, thanks very much. Wow, big crowd. Uh, I’d like to dedicate this song to Jim, who’s been with us for 7 years now. There he is by the bar, hi Jim!
[Applause, whistling from audience; sung/played on acoustic guitar to the tune of Jim Croce’s I’ll Have to Say I Love You In a Song]
Janet (as Stacy): 
Well you’re always kinda late
You never get your work done
And you know I really hate
How you embezzle funds

But every time I tried to tell you
The words just came out wrong
So I’ll have to say you’re fired
In a song
[Confused applause]
(Speaking:)
Thanks, thank you. No hard feelings, Jim.
Scene: You’re Fired! (24:17)
[Mellow lounge music in background]
Sam: Ah, Janet, thank you for joining me.
Janet: Ah, Sam, please take a seat.
Sam: Janet, I have some difficult news for you.
Janet: Sam, I have some difficult news for you..
Sam: …You’re fired.
Janet (simultaneous): …You’re fired and you smell.
Janet: Wait, what?
Sam: Janet, it’s come to my attention that you have been selling CFMU’s recording equipment on Kijiji.
Janet: I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Sam (reading): “Old turntables. Fifty bucks or best offer. Ignore the ‘Property of CFMU stickers,’ as these are not stolen.”
Janet: That doesn’t prove it was me.
Sam: “Meet me in Kensington. I will be wearing plaid. My name is Janet. Do not tell Sam about this post.”
Janet: Fine, so maybe I was lifting a little equipment here and there, but what’s the big deal? We don’t even use the turntables.
Sam: Janet, in lieu of sketches this week, I was going to début my DJ ultra-mega-mix.
Janet: So, you don’t have any material this week?
Sam: Nope! You’re just lucky I routed my walkman into the CFMU mainframe. Hit it!
[Record scratch; end background music; “Jingle Cats” starts to play; with DJ airhorn sound; fade that, resume background music]
Sam: But that was just the start, wasn’t it? What happened to the computers, Janet?
Janet: Oh, those had to go. Do you know how much filth is on the internet? Best to play it safe. This is a family friendly radio show, after all.
Sam: Well, that’s debatable, but now, when we came to do the show today, the recording equipment was gone. This is really the last straw, Janet.
Janet: Oh, Sam, you’re such a worrywart, spoil-sport, soiled-shorts.
Sam: Come again?
Janet: I took precautions.
Sam: I’d hardly call tying two tin cans to a tape-deck with string and hitting record “precautions”.
Janet (testing): Check one two, check one two.
(Done testing:)
There, see? It’s recording just fine. And how about the audio quality?
Sam: Look, it’s a marked improvement, fine. But that’s not the point. You sold off the station’s equipment on the black market, Janet. And for what?
Janet: Would you believe to give the proceeds to charity?
Sam: You know, I might, except for these flyers postered literally all around campus. You handed me one as I came in –
Janet (embarrassed): Whups.
Sam (reading): “Janetfest 2”, and I quote, “is the keg party to end all keg parties. Bring your friends, bring your enemies, 100% free until CFMU runs out of sh–[censor beep] to sell.”
Janet: Umm… it’s for team-building?
Sam: Janet, you’re fired.
Janet: Look, I admit that my conduct has been a little unprofessional – like, 3% unprofessional – but that still doesn’t change the fact that you too are fired.
Sam: Fire me? What for!?
Janet: You haven’t been pulling your weight around here, Sam.
Sam: Look, is this about the sketch we’re doing right now? ‘Cause I promise it gets funny after this. Well, funnier… No less funny.
Janet: Samuel, do you really think I wouldn’t learn that you were getting all your scenes written on Fiverr?
Sam: I deny this baseless accusation!
Janet: So, I suppose you yourself have been writing these recent scenes in Urdu and Mandarin.
Sam: I, uh, picked it up.
Janet: No you didn’t, Sam. You barely speak English, never mind a second language.
Sam: What bad thing you say at me! Very mean, and very not nice!
Janet: So, out of curiosity, I hired a private investigator to find out what you’re doing instead of writing your scenes. Tell me, Sam: Exactly how much Red Dead Redemption 2 have you played?
Sam: Red Dead What-demption?
Janet: Ah, yes. My mistake. According to my notes, you insist on referring to it as “horsey game”?
Sam: Oh, horsey game?! Oh sure, I’ve got loads of time for horsey game now that I’m getting all my scenes written on Five– oops.
Janet: Go on.
Sam: Be fair, Janet, it’s got everything. You can tool around the Old West on your horsey. Or die of tuberculosis. Sounds fun, right?
Janet: You’re fired, Sam.
Sam: Just hang on, Janet…
(Cowboy voice:)
why are we a-fussin’ and a-feudin’, Janet?
Janet: You really need to lay off the “horsey game”. And it’s because we’re not getting the results we want in terms of listenership!
Sam: Janet, we’re perfect. Think about it: Our material is hilarious, this scene is amazing and tight, we’re literally the greatest comedy duo of all time. If we’re not as successful as we’d like, I guarantee it’s not our fault.
Janet: Well, if we’re not the ones to fire, that means:
[Finger snap]
Sam: Of course!
Janet: Listeners, thank you for coming by the program today.
Sam: We’re afraid we have some difficult news for you.
Janet: At least it’s a Friday.
Sam: Unless you’re listening to the podcast.
Janet: Oh, right. If you’re listening to the podcast, uh, hit pause till Friday.
Sam (aside): Pausecast? Is that anything?
Janet: Listeners, we’re really disappointed in your performance.
Sam (figures it out): Pawscats! And it’s a podcast for cats.
Janet: No. Listeners, take a look at these analytics. You’re supposed to be growing week over week! I mean, tell your friends about the show, go to the school yard and yell it at strange children – do something!
Sam: When we began toiling over Work It, like, 3 months ago, we assumed you’d have made us rich by now. Talk about disappointing!
Janet: You know what? Firing’s too good for you people. You’re on a probationary program.
Sam: The material’s going to get way, way worse until you make us rich and famous and stoned on all the secret, rich-person drugs.
Janet: Well, what are you standing around for? Get back to work!
Scene: Outro (29:02)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: Thus concludes episode 18 of Work It, our treatise on firing. By listening to this episode, you are immune from firing, so kick back and relax. Boss bugging you? Don’t be shy about saying so. It’s called a status effect. Just another perk of Work It fandom.
Before you ‘fire’ this show down the old memory hole, show a little initiative: follow @WorkItPod on twitter, facebook, and Instagram. Why not rate and review the show on your podcast app of choice? Earn your keep around here, why doncha?
See you next week, folks. Unless they ‘s-can’ us. Later!
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]