Ep. 017
Fundraising the Roof LIVE!
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a very special live episode of Sam and me begging you for money, please stay on the line.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Welcome to the live recording of episode 17, where we’re fundraising for our beloved 99.3 CFMU.
[Beat]
Line?!
Janet: What do you mean “line”? All you have written here is a drawing of a cat driving a racecar.
Sam: Sorry, folks, we’re not used to doing this live. I’m freezing up!
Janet: Calm down, Sam. It’s going to be fine. You know what they say about public speaking, right? Just picture the audience naked.
Sam (panting): Okay, I can do that.
[Beat]
(Perked up:)
Woah, look at that guy. Hey, buddy! Looking good.
Janet: Get a load of that lady. Holy moly. Are those things for real?
Sam: This will never work, Janet. Now, I’m even more keyed up, thinking about our listeners and their supple, voluptuous figures.
Janet: I know what you mean. Those are some primo slabs of beefcake out there in CFMU land.
Sam: Okay, let me get my head straight.
[Gives head a good shake]
Janet: Are you ready, Sam?
Sam: Let’s do this! In one – two –
[Beat]
(Stalling:)
Two and a half – aah!
[Footsteps running away and door slamming]
Janet: Get back here, you coward!
Bah! I’ll figure something out.
[Theme music fades out]
Blackout: Why Donate? (1:47)
Janet: So, Sam, now that you’re back: CFMU is fundraising, right?
Sam: So I’m told, Janet.
Janet: Now, it’s not the sort of fundraising you’re used to.
Sam: Where you hold me up by my ankles and shake me till my allowance falls out?
Janet: Exactly.
Sam: So I can buy a chocolate bar and Spidey-Man book after all?
Janet: No way, nerd, that lunch money’s mine.
Sam: Oh…
Janet: No, this is a much more deliberate fundraising campaign to help keep campus, community radio thriving over the course of the next year.
Sam: Well, okay. That sounds legit. But what if the listeners aren’t fully convinced?
Sam (as Voiceover): Why donate?
Janet: You’ll get a signed copy of Sherlock Holmes & The Case… of IBS!
Sam: Signed by Hank from the loading dock, to be clear.
Janet: You’ll get a private screening of Avengers: Endgame…
Sam: …’s trailer. Apparently, it’s on the Internet.
Janet: I like when the space-badger blasts Grimace from McDonald’s with a rocket!
Sam: Quality stuff, folks. You’ll get a gigantic tax receipt.
Janet: This is, in fact, Sam’s receipt for a large order of thumbtacks.
Sam: So, me and my cats are starting a backyard wrestling league, right? Now, I keep jumping onto a pile of thumbtacks to show them, but they just sit there, staring at me and falling asleep.
Janet: Let’s see, what other junk do we have here? Oh, I know! You’ll get the satisfaction of supporting an important voice in campus/community radio.
Sam: Now, we’re talking! CFMU is a space that includes 180 volunteers, programming for more than 15 cultural communities, and shows that are 100% locally sourced.
Janet: Wow, Sam. When you put it like that, CFMU is almost invaluable.
Sam: But when you put it like that, Janet, invaluable my foot! These freeloaders out there in radio land need to pony up, and start paying for this amazing content. And they need to do it now!
Janet: Alright, listeners: you heard the man-child. Go to CFMU.ca/fundraising and help support community radio.
Sam: And if that’s not enough, well, there’s always the signed diarrhea mystery.
Janet: Whatta deal!
Blackout: Twitter (3:42)
Sam: Well, let’s head on over to our mentions at @933CFMU on twitter and see why people are donating.
Janet: @POTUS says: “Just donated to failing CFMU. Work It a total bomb. I will fix!”
Sam: Thank you, Sir. @jack says: “Just locked myself in a sensory deprivation tank for a week with nothing but the sounds of Work It. I have lost all connection to reality.”
Janet: Way to go, Jacky boy. @JK_rowling says: “Brexit is Work It’s fault! Sam and Janet must be stopped!”
Sam: Those are great books for adults. J/K. Here’s one from @DSA_Hamilton –
Janet: That’s the Democratic Socialists of America – of Hamilton?
Sam: Yup.
Janet: And you’re not just making this up?
Sam: @DSA_Hamilton says, “Work It is praxis. We must seize the means of audio production!”
Janet: @FordNation says: “Folks, folks, CFMU, folks, gravy, Work It, folks, folks.”
Sam: Sounds like a ringing endorsement to me.
Janet: Surprised that Doug Ford, of all people, didn’t use a hashtag.
Sam: Allegedly…
Blackout: Doug McMillan Interview (4:43)
(Scene breakdown: Sam and Janet ‘interview’ spliced clips from an interview with Doug McMillan of Walmart.)
Janet: Now, I'm sure by now you're all pretty on board with the need to support campus radio and keep shows like ours on the air.
Sam: If that's not a selling point, the need to keep shows unlike ours on the air.
Janet: But don't take our word for it. Here's Doug McMillan, CEO of Walmart.
[Light, clumsy applause]
Sam: Doug, you're a community minded, down to earth sort of billionaire. What does CFMU mean to you?
Doug: That had a big impact on me.
Janet: How about our show?
Doug: That struck the strongest emotional cord.
Sam: Wow, thanks Doug. I knew our revolutionary socialist message would resonate with you.
Janet: Do you have a message for the team here at CFMU?
Doug: We want them to know how much we care about them and how much we value their work.
Sam: That's beautiful, man. But who do you love more: CFMU or Work It?
Doug: The combination of the two?
Janet: Well, that's a cop out. Thanks for nothing, loser.
Doug: Thank you.
[Applause]
Call: Midwestern Mayhem (5:36)
(Scene breakdown: Sam and Janet have a friend, going by ‘Midwestern Mayhem,’ call in. Midwestern Mayhem is a 20-something woman calling in from the States.)
Sam: I do believe we have a friend on the line. This is Midwestern Mayhem. Midwestern Mayhem, are you there?
Midwestern Mayhem: I'm here, yeah.
Sam: Fantastic. So, Midwestern Mayhem, you have a weird work story for us. Hit me.
Midwestern Mayhem: I do, I do. Okay, you're ready?
Sam:I'm ready. Well, we'll see.
Janet: Born ready.
Midwestern Mayhem: I'm ready while, and we'll say viscerally ready for this. Okay, so this is a story in like four acts. Um, this is about a client that I, I currently have. Uh, so I do some, some brand copywriting and I have been working with this client for a little over a year. Um, and they’re a pretty consistent client, so they're not fireable, but they are an absolute nightmare. Um, and this, this nightmare began upon our first meeting.
So, uh, it is a gentlemen. It is, uh, a white gentleman and, uh, he, I remember setting up our first meeting and sending over a calendar invite as I think professionals are wont to do. Um, and it was for after-work cocktails to talk about a partnership. And his first email, whenever I sent over the calendar invite was like, “Oh, sending over a calendar invite? Your poor future husband!”
I was like, “How does one respond to that?” Um, I, so that was kind of the first indication that I was in for a wild ride.
Um, then so we, I went to the meeting, um, and he used most of the meeting to kind of outline his, his business plan for me, which was little more than a pyramid scheme. Um, but he also took the opportunity to ask me about a, uh, colleague’s sexuality, like three or four times, um, just to confirm, uh, which I couldn't respond to. So we had a pretty rocky beginning.
Um, then about six months ago, he started challenging my rates a little bit, um, which, you know– I work in the Midwest and my rates are, are pretty fair on a national scale. Um, and he, he started sending me websites of people who offer lower rates than I do. Um, and like, keep in mind, I'm still working with this person. (I)t's pathetic on my part, probably.) Um, but I do, you know, content writing and blog writing and my favorite ones then he sent over was the person who will do blogs for $30 for like an 800 word blog.
Sam: Wow.
Midwestern Mayhem: Which, in the industry, is kind of bananas. Um, So, I told him, you know, “If you're comfortable with that, then you'd probably be better off working with that person, because you know, my I'm moving to a bigger city soon and my rates are not going down.”
Um, so that was super uncomfortable. But I think that the cherry on top came, um, just about a month ago: I've been going through some certifications to get a little bit more well-versed in SEO. Um, and basically I write this content for him and he edits it into oblivion. So it's not something that I would put into my portfolio. ’Cause it's, it’s really poorly edited.
Um, so I told them, you know, “Hey, I just got the certifications, you know, moving forward, my copy's gonna look a little different to help your clients with their SEO.” And he said, and I quote – I have the email pulled up! – “Why don't you leave the intricacies of the marketing to the experts?”
Janet (mock-horrified): Aaaaah!
Sam: Ha ha ha!
Midwestern Mayhem: Um, so that's kind of, that's kind of that story. Uh, I, I'm still working with him if that is any indication of, like, the desperation of freelance life.
Sam: Oh, sure, these are– oh, sorry to cut you off– these are dire times for freelancers indeed. So…
Midwestern Mayhem: Yeah, especially in the chilly Midwest. So, you know, I guess I have his, I have his bizarre misogyny-tinged emails to kind of keep me warm through the rest of the winter.
Janet: And his money, I guess?
Midwestern Mayhem: Yeah. That's, you know, that's a factor, that's a factor,
Sam: Thoughts and prayers. Now, Midwestern Mayhem: We’re going to play a super quick little game here with you if you don't mind.
Midwestern Mayhem: Okay. Yeah, let's do it.
Janet: All right. So you're probably familiar with the idea of ‘Ironic Hell.’ Uh, these are ironic punishments for people based on what they did in life.
Sam: So, there's the famous examples of Tantalus, Sisyphus and, of course, Homer Simpson.
Janet: So, uh, Midwestern mayhem, if it were up to you, what fate would be in store for this sexist client of yours in Ironic Hell.
Midwestern Mayhem: That's an incredible question. Um, I would say he would probably be relegated to an eternity upon one of those, like, trolley bikes. I don't know if you’re familiar there– you, you– it's like a moving beer-vessel. So, there’s like 12 people and they're seated and they have to peddle this vehicle down the street from bar to bar.
Janet: Oh, yeah!
Midwestern Mayhem: They're horrible! And I think that that would be where I would place him. Um, however, his fellow passengers would be just continually peppering him with really, really inappropriate questions,
Sam: Beautiful.
Janet: And underpaying him.
Sam: Underpaying him, indeed
Midwestern Mayhem: Underpaying him and challenging his rates.
Sam: Fantastic. Well, Midwestern Mayhem, we absolutely appreciate the call, uh, talk soon and have a blessed and freelance-filled day.
Midwestern Mayhem: Thanks so much.
Banter: Weird Work Stories (10:55)
Janet: So Sam, uh, all this talk about fun and wacky work experiences has me thinking everyone has weird work stories, including possibly even us.
Sam: Possibly!
Janet: So what do you say to, um, breaking character and actually spinning some yarns as our real selves? 
Sam: Let's give it a shot. 
Janet: It's a little bit terrifying, isn't it? So what is the weirdest thing that you've done while bored at work?
Sam: Okay, so when I was in high-school, I worked at a large bookstore in Yorkville in downtown Toronto. Where the rich people live. So, I worked in the reference department, which was where we stocked the dictionaries. One day, when we were bored, we grabbed a dictionary, and took turns picking a word at random, and whoever used it with a customer first won the round. 
The only one I remember is, I got “mockingbird.” And – and this is so stupid – when someone asked me for a book, The Alchemist let’s say, I was like, “Not to sound like a ‘mockingbird’, but you said The Alchemist, right?” 
And yes, I later realized I could have reached for To Kill a Mockingbird pretty easily in a bookstore, but come on, I did my best.
Janet: That's a surprisingly wholesome game actually. 
Sam: Well, it's the story I could tell on air as well. So, Janet what's the dumbest lie you've told at work.
Janet: Oh, this is embarrassing. Sam. Um, I used to work at a children's museum as a teenager and my then-boyfriend, now life partner, um, was going on a trip and right before he left on his trip, he gave me the biggest hickey I have ever seen in my entire life, right on my neck. 
And he left. And then I went to work with this enormous hickey on my neck. And my boss saw it and said, “Hey, is that a hickey?” And I came up with this elaborate story about how, um, my brother and I were swatting flies with rolled up newspaper. And I got swatted in the neck with a rolled up newspaper. And it's created the exact look of a hickey. 
Um, I have since learned that he did not buy that story.
Sam: Fantastic. A much less wholesome story. I think we're playing against type.
Janet: Uh, Sam, my next question for you, uh, who is the most important, most interesting person or people that you've met while at work?
Sam: o, at that same bookstore job, since it was in the fancy area of downtown, we had a lot of celebrities come in who were, like, shooting films in town. 
Ones that spring to mind… Jackie Chan, in an all-white suit with an entourage. I don’t think I’ve ever seen a man look so much like a deity, he was immaculate. 
Robin Tunney, from The Craft and Empire Records – I sold her a Sigur Ros CD, I think? 
Matthew Modine, returning a CD. When he filled out the return form, he put his name as “Modine” and his reason as “My bad”. 
And Renée Zellweger, who was the absolute nicest and always had time for everybody. So yeah, we’re basically married now.
Janet: Was she radiantly beautiful?
Sam: Oh my goodness, yes.
Janet: Awww. Yeah, I would have fainted.
Sam: Um, so question for you, what's a time something went wrong on a job for you.
Janet: Yeah. Um, this, I could fill a whole half hour with stories of things going wrong while I was an adventure travel guide. Um, so tune in for that episode when we're desperate enough. But yeah, the most wrong that something went was, uh, I was driving a van full of passengers between Banff and Calgary. And there was a snow storm and in the ensuing traffic jam in that snow storm, we were stranded for 16 and a half hours – that is, overnight.
And, um, I won't go into it too much, but if you ever find yourself on the trans Canada highway near Dead Man's Flats, chances are I've peed on that exact spot on the highway.
Scene: Bored at Work (14:34)
Janet: Now Sam, I confess I was a bit shocked to hear you talking about getting bored at work just now.
Sam: But you’re the one who asked about it.
Janet: Shush, I’m talking.
[Beat]
Sam: Go on?
Janet: Oh, I’m done now.
Sam: Janet, it’s important to be bored at work. Some of the world’s greatest innovations came up while putting off real work!
Janet: Oh yeah? Like what?
Sam: Well…pretty much every ball sport started out with a crumpled-up meeting agenda and a garbage can. Where do you think basketball came from?
Janet: Ugh, still a waste of time.
Sam: Okay, also, some of the greatest romances in history started while workers were on the clock. Caesar and Cleopatra spring to mind.
Janet: Perpetuating the downfall of the Roman republic! Hardly a responsible use of company time!
Sam: Since when are you such a narc? Uh, fine, Einstein came up with special relativity while bored at a menial office job.
Janet: Hmph. Maybe you have a point.
Sam: Think of all the Einsteins who, even today, are being stifled by productivity!
Janet: So you’re comparing your idle word games with the theory of relativity?
Sam: Okay, well, maybe there are better ways to spend downtime at work…
Janet: Yeah. Let’s do a Work It list of things to do when you’re bored at work.
Sam: Okay, #1, invent relativity.
Janet: Ooo, good. That’s a good one. Uh, #2, cure cancer.
Sam: #3, invent a time machine.
Janet: So you can skip through the boring parts of your day and get to the productivity!
Sam: Yeah, or just skip straight to bedtime.
Janet: #4, invent a warp drive.
Sam: #5, reverse climate change.
Janet: #6, uh…hm…
Sam: I’m out of ideas.
Janet: Yeah, me too.
Sam: Ugh, and all this thinking about ways to save the world has got me bored out of my mind.
Janet: Yeah, what a drag.
[Beat]
Sam: Oh hey, here’s a fun game.
Janet: Yeah?
Sam: Take this crumpled-up piece of paper and try to throw it in the garbage from here.
Janet: Whoa! Haha, this is awesome!
Sam: Don’t forget, we still need to work on drumming up pledges from our listeners!
Janet: Shut up Sam, I’m practicing here. Just roll that celebrity endorsement thing, will ya?
Sam: Sigh.
Blackout: Jeff Bezos Interview (16:30)
(Scene breakdown: Sam and Janet ‘interview’ spliced clips from an interview with Jeff Bezos of Amazon.)
Janet: Sam, we really need to get those phones ringing for CFMU. I think it's time we called in the big guns.
Sam: Wait a minute, you can't possibly mean–
Janet: Yes, Sam: A celebrity endorsement from the jillionaire Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos.
Sam: Jeff, thanks for stopping by. Are you really a fan of campus radio?
Jeff: What's not to love?
Janet: Agreed. And what do you think of Work It, Jeff?
Jeff: They’re odd.
Sam: Yeah, same.
Janet: That's beautiful.
Sam: What are the biggest challenges facing campus radio, do you think?
Jeff: How to make it make financial sense?
Sam: Jeez, real talk.
Jeff: You’ve got to earn your keep in this world.
Janet: That's a bit harsh,
Sam (ingratiating): But Jeff, surely CFMU will be just fine.
(Nervous:)
Right?
Jeff: I’ll have to just ask you to stay tuned!
Janet: Well, that's sobering.
Sam: Thanks for your time, Jeff.
Janet: Funny, I haven't seen any donations in his name.
Call: Dayvid (17:32)
Janet: Alright, we have another call from friend of Work It: Dayvid! David, are you there?
Dayvid: I hope so! Hello!
Janet: Hey, buddy. How's it going?
Dayvid: Uh, I am super good, uh, because I think what I have is like some incredible life advice for you. Should I dive right in?
Janet: Dive right in, please.
Dayvid: Okay, yeah, so I always had this problem that like, I would, you know, worry in a store that I like– they might think I was a shoplifter and I wasn't interested in shoplifting, but once you get thinking about that, you start getting nervous.
And you're like, “Oh man, now I'm clearly nervous, they're definitely going to think–” and it just gets a cycle, so it gets worse and worse and there's no way to break it until I found out the way from a glorious customer who came into our location at [the] Queen and Bathurst, uh, Starbucks many years ago. She– it kind of– you need to picture that she is in her fifties, maybe 5 foot tall and, like, chubby and, uh, just like comes storming in and, uh, struts right up to the thing and, and said, “I'll have one free coffee, please.”
Janet: [Chortles]
Dayvid: And, uh, I’m like, you know, a little confused, ’cause she's definitely not got a coupon and there's like no gun or weapons of mass destruction, but she's really confident about this. Uh, and so, I’m, I’m, I'm sort of, you know, feebly like, “I, I, I can't just give you a coffee” and uh, she's like, “Yeah, but if you don't, I'm going to steal your honey and that's worth way more.”
Janet: Heh heh heh!
Dayvid: “And what are you going to do then?” And I'm like– I sort of pick up the phone and with my thumb on the receiver and I'm like, “Well, I would just have to call the police.” And, you know, I think that she's seeing through my bluff that– she knows that I, I'm just, you know, way too proud or maybe just shy and embarrassed to like, you know, call the police and tell them, uh, that like my honey is being stolen by a kind of, uh, ‘evil world’ Winnie the Pooh.
Janet: [Chortles]
Dayvid: Uh, so, uh, she says, “Calling the cops, eh? Well, I'll guess you, uh, better have something to tell them about!”
And if you've ever noticed that the Starbucks, that they very nicely have a tray of bananas out front sometimes, and you've probably never like, thought to wonder what those are for, um, it turns out–
Janet: You’re going to tell us?
Dayvid: Yup, it turns out that, that you pick up the tray of bananas and you start hucking it at the things of whoever has offended you.
Janet: Oh my goodness!
Dayvid: Uh, she very successfully took out a bottle of syrup, like a carnival, uh, you know, prize-thing-type-deal, and then like knocked it over and [there was] a bit of a domino effect going on. Uh, she took out the portrait of like my least favorite person, uh, working there, hanging on the wall.
So I was kind of like, you know–
Janet: Doing a service, really.
Dayvid: Yeah, and then there was a bunch of other ones that I just, I just, I don't think we'll ever quite know where, where those bananas ended up. Uh, and–
Janet: Dayvid, that's harrowing!
Dayvid: I am, I am, I was like, you know, uh, a little bit disturbed, but like also just, you know, I think I found my new hero and wanted to follow her wherever she went in life, uh, winning.
Janet: I love it.
Dayvid: And, uh, and so she, she stormed to the door and did indeed grab a much more expensive, uh, full bottle of honey and said, “Go call the cops. They should be here in about three hours.”
Janet: That's great. Oh man. I am afraid we have to cut you off there, but thank you so much for that story. Um, I would love to ask a million follow-up questions.
Dayvid: That's a shame cause I have so many worse ones.
Janet: Okay. Next live show.
Dayvid: Cool.
Janet: Thanks, David.
Dayvid: Bye!
Dayvid: Take care.
Blackout: Work Songs (21:47)
Sam: Folks, it’s time for the Work It Countdown of Top Work Songs!
Janet: That’s not a thing we do.
Sam: Shut up, yes it is, coming in at number 6, it’s Rihanna.
[Brief clip of “Work” by Rihanna]
Janet: Number 5, “Work” by Jimmy Eat World.
[Brief clip of “Work” by Jimmy Eat World]
Sam: At number 4, Fifth Harmony with “Work from Home.”
[Brief clip of “Work From Home” by Fifth Harmony]
Janet: Number 3 is a tie, between Abba –
[Brief clip of “Money Money Money” by ABBA]
Sam: And the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase
[Brief clip of “It’s All About the Money,” entrance music for pro wrestler Ted DiBiase]
Janet: Entering the chart at number 2, a phone call between John F. Kennedy and his Secretary of Labour.
[Clip of Kennedy and Wirtz saying, “He went out of his way to say he did not want to be in a position of saying– of reflecting our planning.” “Okay.” “I would not call it–” “Bye.” “Okay, bye.”]
Sam: And at number one, you know him, you love him –
Janet: It’s Verdi, with the Anvil Chorus.
[Brief clip of Verdi’s ecstatic “Anvil Chorus,” which fades to background, as Sam tries to interrupt:]
Sam (stricken): Oh no, Janet, I’ve been handed some awful news. Stop the music right now!
Janet: I can’t, the thing’s jammed!
Sam: Fine. We regret to inform our listeners CFMU’s bank account has been completely emptied by cyber-criminals.
Janet: All that fundraising gone! We’re ruined!
Sam: Now Hamil-tiny Tim will go hungry at Christmas!
Janet: He’s certain to die. That poor boy.
[Beat]
Sam (cheerful): Nice tune, though.
 Scene: FUN-draising (23:33)
Janet: So Sam, I’ve been doing a bit of reading, and like…you know how everyone loves public radio fundraising drives?
Sam: Of course! They’re the highlight of everyone’s year!
Janet: What if…what if that wasn’t in fact the case?
Sam: What can you possibly mean, Janet?
Janet: Well, take for example this Slate piece I’m reading. The author describes radio pledge drives as “last-nerve-frayingly exasperating”.
Sam: I can think of way better insults for us than that.
Janet: That’s not the point, Sam! Are we really fraying people’s last nerves with this??
Sam: Calm down, it’s just one person.
Janet: But look at this piece in the Daily Beast! They describe the Jekyll and Hyde-like transformation of everyone’s favourite radio personalities.
Sam: But…but that’s us! We’re everyone’s favourite radio personalities!
Janet: Sam. How can we put the FUN back in fundraising?
Sam: Okay, that doesn’t sound so tough. Uhh, how about strip broadcasting?
Janet: What?
Sam: Every time someone donates, I’ll remove an article of clothing! I’ll start right now, see?
Janet: No! Veto!
Sam: Ugh, fine. Umm, how about every time someone doesn’t donate, I take my clothes off?
Janet: No stripping!
Sam: You say that every week!
Janet: How about…I’ll go on a date with everyone who donates.
Sam: Everyone??
Janet: Okay, only the attractive ones.
Sam: Janet, you’re married.
Janet: My personal life is none of our listeners’ business! Especially the attractive ones.
Sam: Janet…
Janet: And for $100 donation, they get to do whatever-
Sam: Okay, veto.
Janet: Aw, I was just getting to the good part!
Sam: How about a dunk tank?
Janet: Not dangerous enough.
Sam: Dunk tank with sharks?
Janet: Getting there…
Sam: Okay, for every donation, listeners get to…dunk us in a tank of molten lava, full of sharks - all in the name of FUN-draising!
Janet: Better than having you strip down in the studio again!
Sam: The only nerves being frayed by this pledge drive will be ours, as they’re violently ripped from our bodies.
Blackout: Famous Dates in CFMU History (25:24)
Sam: Janet, did you know CFMU has been on the air for over 40 years!
Janet: Wow, Sam. That’s really old. Even you aren’t that old
Sam: That’s right, Janet, CFMU is practically an institution at this point.
Janet: No wonder people are emptying out their piggy banks to support CFMU’s fundraising drive. They’ve got deep roots in the community.
Sam: To that point, Janet, I thought it would be fun to look at some…
Sam (as Voiceover): Famous Dates in CFMU History
[Tango muzak in background]
Janet: 1963: McMaster Radio launches on campus! An interview with The Beatles gets controversial when John Lennon claims that they’re bigger than Jesus, handsomer than Buddha, and better in bed than Hephaestus.
Sam: 1978: CFMU is on the air, broadcasting to the Hamilton area. Though the period is famous for disco hits and the post-punk underground, CFMU plays nothing but Tiny Tim on a loop, 24/7.
Janet: 1980: Rapper’s Delight is a monster hit. / CFMU DJs are forced to spit / If you cannot rock like a real pro / You’re forcibly removed from the studio / And beaten! / Beat-beat-beat-beat-beaten!
Sam: 1984: College Rock is a hit on US Campuses. Due to a misunderstanding of what college rock actually is, CFMU fills their playlist with scruffy, mopey rock bands singing Great Gatsby and Trig101 study guides.
Janet: 1991: Grunge is everywhere. All CFMU personnel take the year off washing.
Sam: Which is weird, because grunge originates in the state of Washing-ton.
Janet: 1994: In this year – oops, I see the station manager has lobbed dynamite into the booth after that last joke.
[Hisssssss of dynamite in background]
Sam: Well, it’s been nice knowing you, Janet.
[Ka-boom! Huge explosion. Once the dust settles:]
Janet: Which brings us to today, 2019, when the station blew up after a failed pun about washing-slash-Washington.
Sam: If you have enjoyed this educational programming, please visit CFMU.ca/donate and show your support. Or else we won’t all be so smart anymore like this scene is smart.
Janet: Very smart and very good!
Scene: What We’ll Do with your Cash (27:05)
Janet: So Sam, I've been doing some research during our broadcast here. Do you realise what we're fundraising for?
Sam: Uh, for CFMU?
Janet: Well, yeah, but check this out. I just uncovered a memo that outlines where all this money's supposed to go-
Sam: Wait, you mean it's not just meant to line our hard-working pockets?
Janet: No!
Sam: The nerve!
Janet: Apparently they want the money to help cover "operating costs".
Sam: Pff, whatever that means.
Janet: They say they're "listener-supported radio", "redefining radio in your community".
Sam: Wow. Corporate greed at its worst, eh?
Janet: Sam, I say we go rogue.
Sam: You mean, steal our portion of the fundraising donations?
Janet: Yes! And use them the way our listeners intended: for our personal enrichment!
Sam: Okay, so we'd better tell the people what we'll do with the money they're donating.
Janet: Right. Okay, our mission as rogue CFMU broadcasters is…hm…regional domination!
Sam: Go big or go home, Janet.
Janet: You mean, we should aim for-
Sam: World domination!
Janet: Just think! With our fundraising riches, we can rally a whole army loyal to Work It.
Sam: Go on a shopping spree at Lockheed-Martin.
Janet: Buy out every other radio station for our nefarious ends!
Sam: The people will hear all CFMU, all the time!
Janet: All Work It, all the time!
Sam: Powerless under a never-ending bombardment of sketch comedy and nuclear warheads, the world will tremble before us!
Janet: I'll spare you from the pogrom, naturally.
Sam: Wait, what?
Janet: For your unwavering loyalty to me.
Sam: Who says you get to run the pogrom? I thought we'd be co-rulers!
Janet: Sam. We were both historians once. You know we'd just assassinate each other.
Sam: Hm.
Janet: You should probably submit to my superior cunning now, save us both a lot of inconvenience and bloodshed.
Sam: If it's war you want, Janet, it's war you'll get. Folks, donate now to fund my bid for world supremacy!
Janet: No! Donate to me! Guaranteed clemency for every pledge over $1000!
Sam: Get away from that mic.
Janet: This is mutiny! Ow!
Sam: Cue the outro!
Scene: Outro (28:55)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: Thanks for listening, folks.
Janet: Please visit CFMU.ca and support community broadcasting.
Sam: Follow @WorkItPod on social media, wouldja?
Janet: See you next week. We won’t be live then.
Sam: You mean we’ll be – g-g-ghosts?
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]