Ep. 016
Communik8er Boi
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at communication, full of… words
(Stilted:)
And… good jokes,
(Normal:)
please stay on the line.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Welcome back to Work It, where today we’re talking all about communication.
Speaking of communication, there’s something I wanna address: I don’t know who did the intro last week, but that dingbat said it was episode 16 when it was actually 15.
Hey, who you calling a dingbat?
Who are you?
I’m the guy that did the intro last week!
But I’m you. You’re me? Who he? I? It me? 
Alright, that’s enough out you, troublemaker. I’m trying to do the intro.
Be my guest.
Fine, folks: here it is, episode 15 – I mean 16. Good work, chief! Why, I oughta…!
[Theme music fades out]
Scene: Tone & Voice, part 1 (1:16)
[Quirky, jazzy Latin music in background]
Sam: Hey, Janet, what’s that you’re reading?
Janet: Tone & Voice.
Sam: Is that, like, a novel or…?
Janet: Better! You know War & Peace?
Sam: Of course, it’s one of the greatest works of literature, like, ever.
Janet: Well, this is the War & Peace of brand marketing.
Sam: Oh.
Janet: Seriously, it’s a masterpiece. You should hear people rave about this thing! You’d almost think it wasn’t a glorified memo.
Sam: Almost!
Janet: You seriously haven’t heard of Tone & Voice by Mailchimp!?
Sam: Presumably you mean the staff at Mailchimp…
Janet: So there’s this super-smart monkey who sends emails all day. That’s, like, all he does and he’s probably one of the world’s 10 most important emailers!
Sam: I… see?
Janet: So Chimpy the Mailchimp – I call him Chimpy – Chimpy wrote this guidebook to define the company’s “tone and voice”. A manual, of sorts. Well, a chimpual.
Sam: I see. It standardizes Mailchimp’s business communications for a consistent user experience?
Janet: Exactly. So when Chimpy hires all his jungle buddies – from Peter Panther to Gary Gorilla to Yngvar Leppanen the Finnish jungle slug – they’ll all be able to represent the brand with a consistent ‘tone and voice’.
Sam: So, instead of going…
[Panther roar]
Sam: And instead of going…
[Gorilla grunts]
Sam: And definitely not going…
Sam (as Yngvar, heavy/terrible Finnish accent): Hallo! I’m Yngvar!
Sam: All their business communications will be like…
[Chimp shrieking]
Janet: Just so!
Sam: Janet, I’m convinced: Work It needs a style-guide! 
Janet: I agree, now this will be a major undertaking requiring a lengthy, meticulous process. 
Sam: That’s one approach. Or, we just make it up right now. 
Janet: Perfect! Give me a couple scenes to get my stuff together.
Scene: Email PSA (2:53)
(Character breakdown: It’s like an educational film of the 50s, so Voiceover is your classic sexist, didactic patriarch type; and Sally is a daffy, clueless girl; Frank is a gruff, cranky, old boss – a Danny DeVito type.)
[The overall sound is staticy, like an old film; voices are a bit muffled and scratchy; there is unobtrusive background music of hokey old jazzy muzak]
Janet (as Sally): [reading out while writing] Dear Frank, to follow up on our discussion yesterday, I’d like to remind you that I need those reports-
Sam (as Voiceover): Here’s Sally, hard at work writing an email. What’s this email about, Sally?
Janet (as Sally): I’m reminding Frank that he needs to get those reports in today. We’re on a tight deadline!
Sam (as Voiceover): Uh-oh, Sally. Don’t you think that email will come across as rude?
Janet (as Sally): Gee Mister, I don’t want that! I just want to sound assertive, because it’s real important.
Sam (as Voiceover): Well, Sally, I think it’s time we talked about email etiquette for girls.
[SFX fanfare]
Sam (as Voiceover): Are you ready, Sally?
Janet (as Sally): I sure am! But don’t you think this is all a bit anachronist-
Sam (as Voiceover): That’s the spirit! As a girl worker, you need to be extra-careful, in case people think you’re a b–[censor beep].
Janet (as Sally): Oh my!
Sam (as Voiceover): That’s right. A bossy girl is an unemployed girl, Sally.
Janet (as Sally): What can I do?
Sam (as Voiceover): Let’s take a look at some email scenarios. Here’s the wrong way to follow up on an urgent assignment:
Janet (as Sally): [SFX typing] Dear Frank, to follow up on our discussion yesterday, I’d like to remind you that I need those reports-
Sam (as Voiceover): Now let’s take a look at the right way:
Janet (as Sally): [SFX typing] Dear Frank, I’m so sorry to bother you. Do you have an idea when those reports might be ready? No rush!!! Sorry for the trouble.
Sam (as Voiceover): Much better!
Janet (as Sally): Gosh, will that really accomplish-
Sam (as Voiceover): Careful, Sally! You don’t want to be a b–[beep], remember? Now what happens if you need to fire someone? Here’s the wrong way:
Janet (as Sally): [SFX typing] Dear Roger, Please come to my office at 10am to discuss yesterday’s incident involving you putting a potato up your-
Sam (as Voiceover): Oops, there you go, being all bossy again! Here’s the right way:
Janet (as Sally): [SFX typing] Dear Roger, I’m so sorry to bother you. Do you mind swinging by my office for a sec? No big deal if not!!! Sorry!
Sam (as Voiceover): That’s the ticket, Sally! Remember, a girl who apologises is a girl one mythologises!
Janet (as Sally): Gee whiz, thanks, Mister!
[SFX footsteps]
Oh, and there’s Frank now! Hey, Frank, did you get my email?
Sam (as Frank): Oh my god, get off my back you nag! Seriously, you’re such a pain in the butt, always acting like you own the place, can you just crank it the eff down a few notches? You’re my boss, not my mom…
Janet (as Sally): [over Frank] Oh no!
Sam (as Voiceover): Haha! Once a b–[beep], always a b–[beep], Sally. Better luck next time!
Blackout: The Work It Lexicon of Business Terms (5:17)
Sam (as Voiceover): The Work It lexicon of business terms.
[New age-y, edutainment-y ambient music in background]
Janet: Stakeholders: These are some guys holding some steaks.
Sam: All-hands: This means two, because that’s all your hands. If all your hands have all their fingers, the meeting is considered to be fully digital.
Janet: Engagement: When your social media users like your post, first they have an engagement with it, then they marry it, then they make little babies with it and then they die.
Sam: Org. chart: This is a chart of all company orgies.
Janet: Deliverables: Pizza, Chinese food, stuff like that.
Sam: Action items: So it’s like when there’s a big fireball and Bruce Willis is running away from it and he goes “You’re fired” or “I’m feeling hot” – classic action item.
Janet: C-suite: Wouldn’t it be sweet if all the executives were lost at sea?
Sam: References: That’s when our writing gets real lazy and we just go “What if the Popples and Captain N the Game Master were, like, friends? Is that anything?”
Janet: Thanks to the fine work by the good people at the donut shop, Sam is becoming increasingly scalable.
Scene: Riddles (6:29)
(Character breakdown: Catherine is a run-of-the-mill millennial – i.e. she just sounds identical to Janet; Boss sounds like a self-important old windbag; Dan is nasal and nerdy; Stan is a jocky baritone with a radio voice.)
[Office ambience; door open]
Janet (as Boss): …and these two will be your immediate supervisors, Dan and Stan. Guys, this is Catherine the new hire.
Sam (as Dan and Stan, together): Hi.
Janet (as Catherine): Hi, nice to meet you.
Janet (as Boss): Okay, I’ll leave you to it. And fellas! Be good.
[Door close]
Janet (as Catherine): So! I’m ready to dive in, if you have any projects for me.
Sam (as Dan): Oh sure, Catherine, our top priority right now is analytics - gotta dig around, find out how to generate more clicks, you know.
Janet (as Catherine): Great, I love that stuff-
Sam (as Stan): Actually, I’m afraid Dan’s lying to you. Sorry, it’s a thing he does.
Janet (as Catherine): …oh?…
Sam (as Stan): Yes, our actual top priority is to build up a stable of freelancers. We’ve got a backlog of work piling up here.
Janet (as Catherine): Oh! Uh, okay…
Sam (as Dan): Catherine, Stan is the actual liar here.
Janet (as Catherine): Are you guys messing with me? Is this a hazing thing?
Sam (as Dan): We don’t do hazing here.
Sam (as Stan): This is absolutely a hazing thing.
Janet (as Catherine): Will you just tell me what’s going on??
Sam (as Dan): You see, I only tell the truth.
Sam (as Stan): And I only tell the truth.
Janet (as Catherine): …So one of you is lying. Okay, I’ll bite. I’m a smart person, I can do riddles. Uhhh, Dan, is Stan telling the truth?
Sam (as Dan): No.
Janet (as Catherine): Okay, and Stan, is Dan telling the truth?
Sam (as Stan): No.
Janet (as Catherine): I- oh. Right, that won’t work. Ummm, okay, Dan, are you telling the truth?
Sam (as Dan): Yes.
Janet (as Catherine): And Stan, is Dan telling the truth?
Sam (as Stan): No.
Janet (as Catherine): Aha! So- oh wait, that doesn’t work, either.
Sam (as Dan): Look, if we could stop wasting time, I’ll just show you how to fill out your timesheet. 
[Paper shuffling] 
Be sure to use a pen-
Sam (as Stan): Don’t listen to him! We use a program to track that stuff now.
Janet (as Catherine): Come on, guys! This is important!
Sam (as Stan): Oh! And your benefits package. You’ve got 50% dental and vision coverage, to a limit of-
Sam (as Dan): Wrong! You get a spending account of $500, to spend as you-
Sam (as Stan): Shut up, liar!
Sam (as Dan): You’re the liar, liar!
Janet (as Catherine): Guys- guys! Geez, how much longer will this last?
Sam (as Dan): Forever.
Sam (as Stan): Not much longer.
Janet (as Catherine): Aaaaaaargh!
[Door open]
Janet (as Boss): Hello again, how’s everything going in here?
Janet (as Catherine): Honestly, Dan and Stan are really messing with me and it’s creating a hostile work environment.
Janet (as Boss): Oh yes of course, I should have warned you. One of them tells only the truth, and one of them only lies.
Janet (as Catherine): I kinda figured. So which one’s the liar?
Sam (as Dan and Stan, together): He is.
Janet (as Boss): Hmm…I don’t remember just now. No matter, it’s a simple trick. Observe. Dan, will Stan tell me that you tell the truth?
Sam (as Dan): Yes.
Janet (as Boss): Stan, does Dan tell the truth?
Sam (as Stan): No.
Janet (as Boss): There, see? Dan’s the liar. Problem solved.
Janet (as Catherine): I’m still very troubled by all this!
Janet (as Boss): Yes, my dear, I can see how this would seem strange at first.
Janet (as Catherine): I’d like to talk to HR, please. Can you show me their office?
Janet (as Boss): Oh, I’d be happy to. But first, answer me this: What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs at noon, and three in the evening?
Janet (as Catherine): What?
Sam (as Dan): Don’t worry, you’re not in danger.
Sam (as Stan): Catherine! Beware the riddle of the boss!
Janet (as Catherine): What happens if I don’t get this?
Janet (as Boss): I’ll devour you whole. Standard company policy, nothing new. Now then.
Janet (as Catherine): I…I…
Sam (as Dan): It’s an animal!
Sam (as Stan): No, Catherine, it’s a person! Think about it!
Janet (as Catherine): Oh no, I can’t remember which one of them tells the truth! Damn, they really are hard to tell apart.
Janet (as Boss): Well, Catherine?
Janet (as Catherine): Uhhhhh, I don’t know!
[Noisy sounds of ‘devouring’]
Aaaaaaaaaa!
Janet (as Boss): Good work, gentlemen.
Sam (as Dan): Shame, she was promising.
Sam (as Stan): What a moron.
Janet (as Boss): Yes, well, till the next hire, then.
[Door close]
Scene: Tone & Voice, part 2 (10:05)
Sam: All right, Janet, let's get to work on that communication manual: Tone and Voice: The Work It Styleguide.
Janet: Ok, seeing as it’s the standard, we should probably consult Mailchimp’s Tone & Voice guide.
Sam: I agree, let’s just steal from that.
Janet: Not “steal” – “consult”!
Sam: Great, we’re agreed. What do we steal first?
Janet (reading): “Section one: Writing Goals and Principles. With every piece of content we publish, we aim to: Empower. Respect. Educate” –
Sam: Cool, cool, cool, I get it. But, it’s a bit wimpy, don’t you think?
Janet: Well, I’d probably use a word like “helpful” instead of “wi–“.
Sam: Janet, what is best in life?
Janet: Why, to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their domestic partners!
Sam: Classy edit and absolutely right.
Janet: I think I hear you. So how about: “Section one: With every sketch on Work It, we aim to: Humiliate, Demoralize, and Vaporize All Rival Pod-Trash.
Sam: Perfect. Okay, let’s see… “In order to achieve those goals, we make sure our content is: Clear. Useful. …” No, no, no!
Janet: Awful!
Sam: Here: “In order to complete our domination, we make sure our content is: Uncompromising. Vicious. And – hmmm…
Janet: “…Utterly Lacking in Morality & Restraint.”
Sam (kissing sound): Mwah!
Janet: What else do we have here? “We are plainspoken. We understand the world our customers are living in…”
Sam: Hell no!
Janet: What if we just say “We know where you live” and then put the home address of all our listeners.
Sam: I’m so glad I tracked that stuff.
Janet: Ooh, let’s draw a picture of a bloody knife stabbing a stick figure!
Sam: And over here it can say “You?”-question-mark.
Janet (reading): “Be specific. Avoid vague language. Cut the fluff.”
Sam: How about “Listen to Work It”?
Janet: Still too much fluff. I know! What if we break into people’s homes when they’re out and just crank the show on their stereos on a loop?
Sam: I like it; man, this guide is really coming together.
Janet: I think we can safely skip to the end.
Sam: Blah, blah, blah. Okay: “Avoid unnecessary abbreviations.”
Janet: Fine, just put “LOL or RIP”.
Sam: OMG, OK.
[Rimshot]
Janet: I think we’re all set. But about the title…
Sam: Tone & Voice?
Janet: It’s a bit…
Sam: Wimpy?
Janet: Exactly.
Sam: How about… A Tonne of Violence: 
Janet: The Work It Manifesto.
Sam: Perfect. 
Janet: Now then: let’s send a copy to the local TV station. If they don’t read it on the news tonight, our reign of terror really begins.
Sam: They think our scene endings are bad now?
Janet: Brother, we’re just getting started.
[Beat]
Sam: I mean, they are pretty bad.
Janet: Oh, terrible.
Scene: Who’s Up First?, part 1 (12:25)
(Character breakdown: The MC is like a polished broadcast – engaging, good enunciation; Gravey sounds like a stylish, older businessman – whatever that means – with maybe a… mid-Atlantic accent? Hard to say what Sam was doing there.)
[Classy, moody – pseudo-intellectual – music; applause; music fades]
Janet (as MC): Yes, thanks everyone. Thank you so much for coming to the keynote panel of the 23rd Annual Business Communication Strategies conference. I’m so excited to welcome our panel chair, Mr Arthur Gravey.
[Applause]
Sam (as Gravey): Hello, yes, thank you for having me.
Janet (as MC): Now, Arthur, you’ve put together this panel from some of the world’s leading business communication experts. What can we expect from their talks?
Sam (as Gravey): Well, Stacey, the panel will be focusing on the importance of clarity in all forms of communication.
Janet (as MC): Very important stuff. Would you like to present our speakers?
Sam (as Gravey): Sure thing, so our experts here are Cynthia Hu of Global Solutions, 
[Polite applause], 
Carmen Watt of Widget Enterprises, 
[Polite applause], 
and Ida Marjorie No of Stellar Corporation. 
[Polite applause]
Janet (as MC): Excellent, and what order will they be presenting in?
Sam (as Gravey): Uh let’s see here, 
[Paper crinkling]
(Slowly, reading:)
Hu is up first, Watt is up second, and Ida No is up third.
Janet (as MC): …I beg your pardon?
Sam (as Gravey): Hu’s up first, Watt’s up second, and Ida No is up third.
Janet (as MC): You’re the panel chair.
Sam (as Gravey): Yes I am.
Janet (as MC): And an expert in the field.
Sam (as Gravey): So they say!
Janet (as MC): And you don’t know the speakers’ names.
Sam (as Gravey): Well I should.
Janet (as MC): Well then who’s up first?
Sam (as Gravey): Yes.
Janet (as MC): I mean the speaker’s name.
Sam (as Gravey): Hu.
Janet (as MC): The person speaking first.
Sam (as Gravey): Hu.
Janet (as MC): The first speaker.
Sam (as Gravey): Hu.
Janet (as MC): The speaker presenting-
Sam (as Gravey): Hu is up first!
Janet (as MC): I’m asking you who’s up first!
Sam (as Gravey): That’s the speaker’s name!
Janet (as MC): That’s who’s name?
Sam (as Gravey): Yes!
Janet (as MC): Well go ahead and tell me.
[Fading out]
Sam (as Gravey): That’s it.
Janet (as MC): That’s who?
Sam (as Gravey): Yes!
[Dignified music of intro in background]
Janet (as Voiceover, over fade-out): Due to…technical…difficulties, we’ll be returning to our live broadcast of the 23rd Annual Business Communication Strategies Conference any… any day now.
Scene: Bad Boss Movies (14:12)
(Scene breakdown: this scene features brief clips from the movies The Devil Wears Prada and Glengarry Glen Ross, transcribed as “Character (via clip)”, e.g.)
Sam: Hollywood loves a villain. And judging by the popularity of films featuring blood-spattered monsters like Freddie, Jason, and Mr. Bean, audiences seem to agree.
Janet: But for many movie-goers, the worst villain of all is a boss they’ve had. Admittedly, a morning meeting about time-tracking’s less gruesome than a chainsaw through the guts. But it’s a helluva a lot duller too.
Sam: Maybe that’s why so many films have turned to mean-spirited, bullying bosses for their antagonist. The Devil Wears Prada and Glengarry Glenn Ross are just two examples of this.
Janet: Hang on – let me check your math:
(To self:)
Devil Wears Prada, okay, that’s one… Glengarry, okay, that’s another one… Carry Glengarry:
(Aloud:)
Two films – it checks out! Carry on.
Sam: We at Work It set out to prove that bosses need not be the evil monsters that they’re usually portrayed as. Maybe it’s all just a question of attitude and language.
Janet: Maybe, that is, Hollywood bosses just needed a little communications upgrade.
Sam: If this theory turns out to be right and our revisions are as influential as, let’s face it, they clearly oughta be, Janet and I may be responsible for inventing the first tolerable boss. You’re welcome.
Sam: Here are Work It’s revisions to Devil Wears Prada and Glengarry Glenn Ross. We daresay improvements –
Janet: Unbelievable…
Sam: Incredible…
Janet: Macarthur-Genius-Grant-is-right-around-the-corner…
Sam: Masterpieces. Of brilliance.
Janet: We daresay.
Sam (as Voiceover): Coming soon: The Nice Lady Wears Prada. But Not, Like, as a Gross Marker of Wealth. Maybe She Just Found It or Something.
[A swoosh! and we cut to: office ambiance in background]
Janet (as Streep, as Miranda): Where are the belts for this jacket? Why is no one ready?
Assistant (via movie clip): Here. It’s a tough call. They’re so different.
Anne Hathaway (as Andy, via clip): Mm…
(Snickers)
Janet (as Streep, as Miranda): Something funny?
Anne Hathaway (as Andy, via clip): No, n-nothing’s you know, it’s just that both those belts look exactly the same to me. You know, I’m still learning about this stuff and, uh…
Janet (as Streep, as Miranda): This… ‘stuff’? Oh… ok. I see, you think this has nothing to do with you. Well, the truth is: you’re right. It’s just clothes. Did you know your shirt is actually cerulean? No? Good, it’s an idiotic thing to know. Who cares? Ooh, Oscar de la Renta made some cerulean gowns… I mean, holy f*cking sh*t, does the Nobel committee know?! Some gowns were a colour! Wow! Did we cure cancer? Nope! Prevent ecological catastrophe? Nope! Are gowns colours? You betcha! Oh no, that’s way better, thank f–[censor beep]ing Chr–[beep]st! Cerulean…. 
[Beat]
No, but seriously, you’re right to laugh. Wanna ditch these lame-os, pound scotch and cruise for boys? In that order? Rock and roll. 
[Car peeling out, exciting music blasting from stereo]
Janet (as Streep, as Miranda, fading): Girls night, whooo! 
[A swoosh! and we cut to:]
Janet (as Voiceover): Coming soon: Glengarry Glen Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Some Nice Communication is What We’ve Performing for You, The Work It Listener. 
[Office ambiance background]
Sam (as Alec Baldwin, as Blake): Lemme’ have your attention for a moment. Let’s talk about something important. Are they all here? 
Manager (via clip): All but one. 
Sam (as Alec Baldwin, as Blake): Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important. 
[Beat]
Put that coffee down. You don’t need coffee for a pick-me-up! Buddy, you’re great just the way you are! Your name’s Levene? You call yourself a salesman, you son of a b–[beep]tch…
Salesman (via clip): I don’t have to listen to this shit.
Sam (as Alec Baldwin, as Blake, friendly): ‘Cause I call you a friend. A real swell guy! That’s right, pal, I loved you in Some Like it Hot, and the Apartment? Get outta here! Legend. Legend! Now: we’re going to have a little contest.
First prize is a Cadillac Eldorado. You wanna’ see second prize? Cadillac Eldorado. Ah hell, I got you fellas all Cadillac Eldorados.
[Car horn: honk honk!]
Sam (as Alec Baldwin, as Blake): That ain’t it. Now, not to be sappy or nothin’, but I wrote you a song too about how much you fellas mean to me. I’m still working on the synth leads, but, what the hell, see what you think.
[Cheesy electronic/pop song with synth leads plays, continuous, in background; beat, then:]
Salesman (via clip): The leads are weak.
Sam (as Alec Baldwin, as Blake): I know, they totally are. But I appreciate your candour, friend.
Scene: Who’s Up First?, part 2 (18:09)
(Character breakdown: As in part 1.)
[Classy, moody – pseudo-intellectual – music; applause; music fades]
Janet (as Voiceover): We now return to our broadcast of the 23rd Annual Business Communication Strategies Conference, where our presenters may have finally made a breakthrough.
Janet (as MC, wearily): Please. Will you at least tell me the name of an author they’ll be citing.
Sam (as Gravey): Tomorrow.
Janet (as MC): You don’t want to tell me today?
Sam (as Gravey): I’m telling you now!
Janet (as MC): Then go ahead.
Sam (as Gravey): Tomorrow.
[Beat]
Janet (as MC): How about their co-author’s name?
Sam (as Gravey): Why.
Janet (as MC): Because!
Sam (as Gravey): Ohhh. He’s our intern.
Janet (as MC): [sputters]
Sam (as Gravey): Look, maybe you should calm down.
Janet (as MC): Why?
Sam (as Gravey): That’s the co-author.
Janet (as MC): I’ll kill you!
Sam (as Gravey): Why?
Janet (as MC): Because!
Sam (as Gravey): That’s the intern.
Janet (as MC): Listen to what you're saying! You’re telling me you’ll call up Hu. Whoever it is gives their speech, passes the mic to Watt. Watt speaks, hands it over to Ida No. Ida No cites work by Tomorrow, and Why? I dunno, and I don’t give a rat’s ass!
Sam (as Gravey): Huh?
Janet (as MC): I said, I don’t give a rat’s ass.
Sam (as Gravey): Oh, that’s our sound guy.
Janet (as MC): Why I oughta…
[Cartoonish fighting sounds; slide whistles, horns, etc.; fade out on applause, dignified music]
Blackout: Communication Skills for Client Meetings (19:17)
Sam (as Voiceover): Communications skills for client meetings. Listening.
[Cheesy tango muzak in background throughout; someone talking ‘off-mic’ cartoonishly – ‘rhubarb’ or ‘walla’ as its called]
Janet (as Presenter One): What’s that you said?
[Walla]
Sam (as Presenter Two): Can you speak up?
[Walla]
Janet (as Presenter One): Hang on a second.
Sam (as Presenter Two): It’s these dang bananas in our ears.
Janet (as Presenter One): As you were saying, Mr. Mailchimp.
[Chimp screeching – a callback, OMG!]
Sam (as Voiceover): Nonverbal communication.
Janet (as Presenter One): Now, for our PowerPoint. Sam, the first slide if you please.
Sam (as Presenter Two): One second, my butt’s itchy.
[Hand scratching fabric]
Janet (as Presenter One): Yeah, mine too. One sec, folks.
[Hand scratching fabric]
Sam (as Presenter Two): Oh yeah, that’s the spot.
Sam (as Voiceover): Clarity and Concision
Janet (as Presenter One): Now, in regards to the aforementioned concerns regarding the proposed speculation vis–à–vis the outstanding items.
Sam (as Presenter Two, knowingly): You know what she means, wink wink. The items? You know: the items.
Sam (as Voiceover): Friendliness
Janet (as Presenter One): Hey there, clients!
Sam (as Presenter Two): Wanna French?!
Sam (as Voiceover): Confidence
Janet (as Presenter One): You’re practically begging us to French!
Sam (as Presenter Two): I mean, look at us! We’re gods to you people.
Sam (as Voiceover): Empathy
Janet (as Presenter One): I understand where you’re coming from.
Sam (as Presenter Two): Heh heh.
Janet (as Presenter One): Oh, I get it. Heh, heh.
Sam (as Voiceover): Open-Mindedness
Sam (as Presenter Two): We’re sorry, client, but all your suggestions are dumb and bad.
Janet (as Presenter One): We think you need to be more open minded. Tell me, does the word ‘trepanation’ mean anything to you?
[Power drill]
Sam (as Voiceover): Respect
Sam (as Presenter Two, singing badly): R-E-S. Um. P-C-P.
Janet (as Presenter One, singing badly): Let’s all do some PCP.
Sam (as Presenter Two, singing badly): R-E-S-ident Evil 3.
Janet (as Presenter One, singing badly): Zombies in Raccoon City.
Sam (as Voiceover): Feedback.
[Brief clip of Lou Reed’s feedback opus “Metal Machine Music”]
Janet (as Presenter One): Follow these handy-dandy tips and see what happens.
Sam (as Presenter Two): They’re guaranteed to work. And if they don’t, it’s probably something you did.
Janet (as Presenter One): Go cry to your mommy about it.
Sam (as Presenter Two): Yeah, run home and cry about it.
Scene: Ghost Hunters (20:27)
(Character breakdown: Gerald’s Ghost is a very cartoony, throw-back ghost – like something from Scooby Doo, maybe? Not at all scary, very theatrical. At one point, he reverts to ‘human form’ – Gerald – where he’s similar but toned down a tad, and without a reverb effect.)
[Wind howling, owls hooting]
Sam (stage whisper): Hi everyone, welcome back to Work It Presents: Ghost Hunters.
Janet (stage whisper):: Tonight, we’re checking out Widget Media HQ. It seems quiet- a little too quiet.
Sam: Why don’t you tell them what brings us here, Janet?
Janet: Well Sam, Widget still owes us for that freelance work we did. They’re ignoring our emails and not returning our calls. That all points to one thing:
Sam and Janet: Ghosts!
Sam: I’m so scared!
Janet: At least you wore your diaper this time. Let’s head in.
[Door creaks open; footsteps; creepy organ music in background]
Sam: Brrr. It’s so drafty in here. I’ve got a bad feeling about this, Janet…
Janet: Hello? Ghosts, are you here? We just want to talk!
[Fluttering bats, squeaks]
Sam and Janet: Aaaaaa!
Sam: What was that??
Janet: It’s fine, Sam, be cool. Just some bats. In…in an office building…
[Bang!]
Sam and Janet: Aaaaaa!
Sam: Well that wasn’t bats!
Janet: Maybe it was just the wind knocking something over…
Sam (as Gerald’s Ghost, distant): Ooooooooooo…
Sam: There! I just saw a shadowy figure!
Janet: Hello? Please come out, we mean you no harm!
Sam (as Gerald’s Ghost): Oooooooooo…
Sam: Janet, I don’t know about this!
Janet: How’s that diaper holding up?
Sam (terrified): Really bad!
Janet: We have no time to lose. 
(Calling out:)
We’re just here to follow up on that invoice we sent you!
[Ghost noise fades]
Sam: They’re still avoiding us.
Janet: Okay, let’s bust out the equipment. Sam, you light candles and draw a pentagram on the floor. 
[Rummaging] 
I’ll CC them on an email to our lawyer.
[Keyboard typing] 
Inquiring…about…legal…options…
Sam: That should draw them out. Ready?
Janet: Ready.
Sam: O Widget ghost! Come to us!
Sam (as Gerald’s Ghost): Oooooo…how nice to hear from you guys…
Janet: It’s Gerald, our contact at Widget! Gerald, where’s our money?
Sam (as Gerald’s Ghost):Oooooo…I thought I emailed you about that, maybe I had the wrong address…
Sam: Come on Gerald, you can’t stall forever!
Sam (as Gerald’s Ghost): Oooooo…I might have misplaced that invoice…
Janet: Gerald! Aren’t you tired of this endless purgatory? Just pay us, and you’ll set your spirit free!
Sam (as Gerald’s Ghost): Oh fine…
[Shuffling papers] 
Why yes, here’s that invoice, after all. I’ll just get the finance ghosts to process that.
[Poof!; creepy music stops; birds chirp, maybe gentle music plays]
Sam: It worked!
Janet: Gerald, you’re not a ghost anymore!
Sam (as Gerald): And all I had to do was acknowledge you guys. Thanks for rescuing me!
[Beat]
Janet: So, when can we expect our payment?
Sam (as Gerald): Payment?
Sam: On the invoice you just found.
Sam (as Gerald): Hm?
Janet: You know, the money for-
Sam (as Gerald): I don’t know what you’re-
Oh no!
[Poof!; resume creepy music]
Sam (as Gerald’s Ghost): Oooooooo…
Sam and Janet (zany): Here we go again!
Scene: Communication Breakdown, part 1, Netflix (23:29) 
(Character breakdown: The Netflix Manager is both played as a highly intense, energetic but supportive manager.)
Janet (as Voiceover): Communication Breakdown
[Soft jazz in background]
Sam: Welcome to the début and final appearance of the popular segment, Communication Breakdown.
Janet: In this segment, we’re looking at a couple bosses and workplaces plagued by poor internal communications.
Sam: Let Work It show you how to turn these office nightmares into office ‘quite-cares’, as in an office that quite cares for its employees.
Janet: I thought that was quite clear.
Janet (as Voiceover): Part one: Netflix.
Sam: The fearful, demanding culture at Netflix is well documented. Indeed, read a little bit about it and you may reconsider sending them money every month. If the completely dogsh–[censor beep] catalogue didn’t already. Or maybe you have horrible taste, who knows?
Janet: One of the ways Netflix boosts performance is to measure employees by a “keeper test”: Managers are regularly asked if they would fight to keep someone on their team. Sounds pretty aggressive. Here’s how we’d tweak it.
[A swoosh! The background jazz ends, and we cut to: office ambiance in background]
Sam (as Manager): You wanna know if I’d fight to keep Bill on my team? Damn right, I will. Hell, I’ll fight you right now. You think you’re tough? You’re freaking dead!
[Fighting]
Sam (as Manager): That’s for impugning his React components! Had enough?
[Fighting continues; a swoosh! and we cut to: soft jazz in background]
Janet: Apparently, one employee tried to call out the constant fear of being fired. The response from their superior was: “Good, because fear drives you.”
[A swoosh! The background jazz ends, and we cut to: office ambiance in background]
Sam (as Manager): So you’re afraid, are you? Good, because fear drives you. I’m afraid I’m not nice enough. It haunts me. Here, who wants ice cream? I bought 50 gallons. I care so damn much. It’s agonizing! Here, have some sprinkles. Aaaahhh!
[A swoosh! and we cut back to: soft jazz in background]
Janet: When someone commits a transgression, they are asked to “sunshine” it, Netflix jargon for a public admission of wrong-doing.
[A swoosh! The background jazz ends, and we cut to: office ambiance in background]
Sam (as Manager): Listen up, office. Bill here has something he wants to tell you – wait, hang on a second, Bill. This meeting room is a bit drab don’t you think? Screw this, let’s go to the beach!
[A swoosh! and we cut to: surf music in background, waves, beach noises]
Sam (as Manager): Hang ten, Bill! Don’t bail on that wave like you bailed on the server maintenance! I’m just messing with you, you rock!
[A swoosh! and we cut back to: soft jazz in background]
Janet: See that? With a few minor tweaks, we’ve fixed the culture at Netflix. Resume the binge-watching! If you can find anything on that execrable site – I mean, seriously!
Blackout: Business Translator (25:32)
(Character breakdown: the Host is a peppy, professional talk show host; Dr. Funk has an extremely silly, over-the-top German accent; at one point his machine – Computer – speaks, in a very neutral, soulless fashion, like sci-fi AIs often do.)
[Brief clip of funky talk show theme music; cheers, applause from audience]
Janet (as Host): Okay, welcome back, everyone. My next guest is Dr Cornelius Funk, who’s here to show us his universal business translator.
[Cheers and applause]
Janet (as Host): Dr Funk, thank you for being here.
Sam (as Funk): Ja, zank you for havink me, Rhonda.
[Computery beeps in background]
Janet (as Host): So I guess this is your translator right here.
Can you tell us about it?
Sam (as Funk): Rhonda, in essence, zis device vill automatically translate any business communication into ze language of your choice. 
[Ooooooh! from the audience] 
Perhaps a demonstration vould help?
Janet (as Host): Oh, sure! What do you think, folks?
[Cheers, applause]
Sam (as Funk): I have here a clip of Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg. Ve’ll set ze language to English, und-
[Computer beeps; fade in clip of Zuckerberg trying not to appear totally guilty in Cambridge Analytica stuff from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gnNK8NWrA84]
Mark Zuckerberg: Cambridge Analytica actually did start as an advertiser, later in 2015, and uh–
[And we crossfade/overlap with:]
Janet (as Computer): We are 100% guilty, and have been mining & selling millions of users’ data with zero concern for consequences. I am hoping that my aw-shucks demeanour will mask the fact that I am a ruthless billionaire supervillain…
Janet (as Host, over computer voice): This is incredible!
Sam (as Funk): Ja, ze machine’s ability to translate bullsche–[censor beep]sse is unparalleled.
Janet (as Host): Well folks, sharpen those guillotines, cause the revolution is sure to come that much sooner thanks to Dr Funk!
[Cheers and applause; brief, funky theme music]
Scene: Communication Breakdown, part 2, Klobuchar (26:53) 
(Character breakdown: Amy is both played as a highly intense, energetic but supportive manager.)
[Soft jazz in background]
Janet (as Voiceover): Communication Breakdown: Part Two: The Office of Amy Klobuchar.
Janet: So, earlier we fixed the culture at Netflix. Just the culture. Not their catalogue, which remains just uncannily wretched.
Sam: We turn now to Presidential candidate, Amy Klobuchar. As a senator, Klobuchar is reported to have been horrifyingly abusive to her staff, prone to angry outbursts, violent mood-swings, and general cruelty. Allegedly, she would throw office supplies and, on one occasion, accidentally hit someone with a binder she’d thrown.
[A swoosh! The background jazz ends, and we cut to: office ambiance in background]
Janet (as Amy): That’s it, give me that binder! Hnngh! 
[Sound of papers flying]
Take that! Inside you will find an anthology of poems I’ve written to all of you arranged in alphabetical order by first name! If I may: “Aaron. You are the air in my wings…”
[A swoosh! and we cut back to: soft jazz in background]
Sam: Klobuchar would send her staff late night, all caps emails berating them for something they’d done that was “The worst ever”.
[A swoosh! The background jazz ends, and we cut to: office ambiance in background; keyboard typing sounds]
Janet (as Amy, composing email): Attention interns! It was brought to my attention that some of you are completely incompetent when it comes to having pleasant dreams. The worst ever! I wrote you all a little bedtime story: “Once there was a beautiful intern, whose lanyard was the envy of all the kingdom…”
[A swoosh! and we cut back to: soft jazz in background]
Sam: Most famously, at an airport once, one of Senator Klobuchar’s aides brought her a salad but had fumbled the plastic cutlery. Klobuchar proceeded to pull out a comb, eat the salad with the comb, and then hand the comb to her aide with the instructions: clean it!
[A swoosh! The background jazz ends, and we cut to: airport ambiance in background]
Janet (as Amy): A salad! Is that the best you could do? Sorry that came out wrong: You’re the best! Mmmm…. what’s that? No utensils? Buddy, I wasn’t even going to ask! I’ve got my comb right here.
[Noisy chewing sounds]
Gross? Don’t be silly! Eating your own hair restores vital proteins.
[Noisy chewing sounds]
Moreover, Italian ranch dressing gives my hair its lustrous quality, while a stray crouton in my bang shows, hey, I can be a little crazy too.
[A swoosh! and we cut back to: soft jazz in background]
Sam: We’ve done it again.
Janet: Fixed everything for everybody.
Sam: Now then, what’s next?
Janet: I don’t know, why don’t you check the binder!
[Sound of papers flying, and a cartoony boing!]
Scene: Outro (28:42)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: There it is, folks, episode 16 in the can. A tidy overview of communication.
By the way, did you know that communists invented communication?  But capitalists invented capital letters. Don’t believe me? They sound similar. It’s called science, look it up.
One thing I’d like to communicate to you is that you follow @WorkItPod on twitter, facebook, and instagram. A YouTube subscription or podcast review would communicate to us that you are one groovy cat, daddy-o.
I’ve got to get some new communication skills. See you next week, dig?
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]