Ep. 015
Union Bust a Move
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at unions that's pretty much just half an hour of earnest, Marxist propaganda, please stay on the line.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Hey there, folks, and welcome to work at episode 16 [sic*], where we’re talking all about unions. Come to think of it, we could use a union! It's hard work coming up with these intros every week. So many puns, I'm starting to feel ‘punderappreciated.’ I made a mess in my ‘pundies.’
[*Sam misspoke – it’s actually 15]
That's it! I'm going on strike!
[Long pause; music fades; clock ticking; music suddenly resumes]
Oh, whatever here comes the first sketch.
[Theme music fades out]
Scene: The Land of Unions (1:19)
(Character breakdown: About halfway through, this becomes a Wizard of Oz parody, specifically: Princess sounds absolutely beneficent and kind; Pippin has a ‘munchkin’ voice – throaty, froggy, cute; the evil Queen is cackling, like the wicked witch; the Sludge Monsters are new characters – suck it, Baum! – and are like grunting, brainless monsters.)
[Tango muzak in the background]
Sam: Hey Janet, what’s today’s topic again?
Janet: Unions.
Sam: Cool, there’s a lot we can do with that. Uh… green unions vs. red unions – which are tastier? And what about shallots? Union bagels: better than sesame? I think so.
Janet: Sam –
Sam: Oh, the Beatles song: “Looking through a glass union.”
[Brief clip of karaoke version of Beatles’ “Glass Onion”]
Janet: Sam, you moron, that’s onions!
Sam: Oh, right, it’s like the mnemonic: onions are on, but a union needs you. But hang on –
Janet: That’s not a mnemonic.
Sam: So we’re talking about the permanently-under-construction subway station in downtown Toronto?
Janet: No, not that Union. And what do you mean it’s “under construction”? I thought Toronto’s public transit was world class.
[A long – ~3-5 second – clip of canned laughter, erupting into cheers and applause]
Sam: Should we just end the show on that joke?
Janet: I’m feeling generous.
Sam: Cool, you’re talking about a popular archetype?
Janet: Jungian.
Sam: MTV trophies?
Janet: Moon men.
Sam: Giant lumberjack?
Janet: Bunyan.
Sam: Popular squash?
Janet: Pumpkin, and you’re an idiot.
Sam: Well, gee, it seems I never heard of a “union” before.
Janet: And no wonder. See, unions are a long-lost form of collective action. Or so we think. Nowadays, it seems unions are just a fable or fairy tale. But there was once a time when unions fought on behalf of a third of non-farm workers. A magical time. The 50s.
Sam: Come on, Janet, I mean I’ve heard of onions and Jungians, as you know – but this all sounds made up.
Janet: Oh yes? Well, Sam, join me as I weave a tale of the mythical land of unions.
Sam: Okay.
[A harp, signalling that, like a dream, we cut to: jolly, bouncy fairy tale music in background]
Janet (as Princess): Citizens, it is I, the fair Princess Concessia, with tidings of joy!
Sam (as Pippin): Tidings?! You’ll have to do better than that to win the acclaim of your people!
Janet (as Princess): Why it’s Pippin Point-of-Order, head of the Gumdrop Union!
Sam (as Pippin): Local 158 by the chocolate lake, and we demand matching RRSP contributions and $10,000 for professional development or we strike!
Janet (as Princess): But of course, Pippin, the kingdom only thrives through your labour! All this shall be yours!
Sam (as Pippin): Huzzah!
(Singing a merry song:)
Well, the workers never stop / while they make the sweet gum drops / and – 
[Poof!]
(Stop singing; scared:)
Oh no! Evil Queen Grievance!
Janet (as Queen): Yes, ’tis I, the wretched Queen Grievance, and I demand you work forever!
Sam (as Pippin): You can’t make us work overtime! It’s in our CBA!
Janet (as Queen): Oh no? Scabra-cadabra! You’re all fired!
Sam (as Pippin): Oh no!
Janet (as Queen): My army of scabby, scaly sludge monsters will do your work for next to nothing! Mwa ha ha haaaa!
A shredded social safety net leaves them no choice! Mwa ha ha haaaa!
Janet (as Princess): I’m sorry, Pippin, her spells are too powerful!
Janet (as Queen): Get to work, sludge monsters! Widget Media needs their latest shipment of content by end-of-day!
[Sound of marching boots, as they chant in time]
Sam and Janet (as Sludge Monsters): Check the levels, hit record / podcasting’s its own reward! / Check the levels, hit record / podcasting’s its own reward! /
Janet (as Princess): Sludge monsters, you’re obviously very dedicated creators of content, but what if I told you you didn’t have to live your life begging for $5 subscriptions to your premium feed.
[Sound of marching boots, as they chant in time]
Sam and Janet (as Sludge Monsters): 1-2-3-4, we won’t podcast any more / 5-6-7-8 unless we get the Chapo rate
Janet (as Queen): Drat, I’ve been foiled by organized labour. And now I’m melting for no reason! Other than to complete the parody!
Janet (as Princess): So ends another day in the land of unions.
Sam (as Pippin): Let’s have an orgy!
[A harp, and we cut back to: tango muzak in background]
Sam: Wow, Janet, I wish I lived in the land of unions.
Janet: You can, Sam. If you can dream it, you can live it. But you’ll have to fight for it.
Sam: Can’t I just drink myself to death instead?
Janet: Well, that’s certainly easier. And cooler.
[Fading out]
Sam: Oh, nice! Let’s do a cigarette.
Janet: I smoked the biggest cigarette, I got so messed up.
Sam: No way! I love being bad and cool.
Blackout: An Everlasting Union (4:55)
Sam (as Pastor): We are gathered here to join Miriam and Alfonse in an everlasting union!
Janet (as Miriam): We demand a honeymoon in Cabo!
Sam (as Alfonse): And a dining table from Structube!
Janet (as Miriam): Recycled teak!
Sam (as Alfonse): We demand a labradoodle and an Instagram account for said labradoodle!
Janet (as Miriam): And a lifetime supply of scented candles!
Sam (as Alfonse): Spa visits every anniversary!
Janet (as Miriam): And snowboard lessons every Christmas!
Sam (as Alfonse): We’re members of the matrimonial union and these are our demands!
Sam (as Pastor): My children, marriage is not about material things, it’s about love.
Janet (as Miriam): Get him!
Sam (as Alfonse): Scab!
[Footsteps as they chase him through the church; boo-ing from the congregants]
Sam (as Pastor): Why hast thou forsaken me, Todd?–
(Correcting himself:)
I mean, God?
Scene: Planet Office, part 1(5:55)
(Character breakdown: Narrator is a David Attenborough-type – a calming British documentary filmmaker and narrator; Drone 1 is a little conspiratorial, but necessarily so; Drone 2 is a bit dopey; Supervisor is slimy and weasley.)
[The Planet Office theme song: a brief moody, dreamy sting]
Sam (as Narrator): Welcome back to Planet Office. Today, we observe the delicate balance of the office ecosystem.
[Office noise ambience]
Sam (as Narrator): We find a small herd of office drones huddled ’round a water cooler.
Janet (as Drone 1): All I'm saying is, it's time to take action, you know? Donny's putting a petition together right now-
Sam (as Narrator): The drones, believing themselves safe, discuss forming a labour union - an act of aggression against the supervisors.
Sam (as Narrator): Little do the drones realise, a supervisor has been stalking the group for some time.
Janet (as Supervisor): [To him/herself] Hmmm… Hushed voices, glancing around furtively…I know labour agitation when I see it!
Sam (as Narrator): Sensing vulnerability, the supervisor strikes!
[Murmuring, cut off by:] 
Janet (as Supervisor): Hiya, folks! Beautiful day, isn't it! What are we all talking about?
Sam (as Drone 2, spooked): N- nothing!
Janet (as Drone 1): Nothing at all, boss! Uh…uh, weather!
Janet (as Supervisor): Weather, eh? What's this in your hand?
[Paper rustling]
A union pamphlet! I knew it!
[Running feet]
Sam (as Drone 2): Oops time to work.
Sam (as Narrator): The supervisor has captured its prey! The other drones flee in terror.
Janet (as Supervisor): Well well well, Sonya, this isn’t the first time we’ve found you stirring up dissent.
Sam (as Narrator): Down but not out, the stricken drone fights for her life.
Janet (as Drone 1): No, please! We’re just exploring options!
Janet (as Supervisor): And using company resources to print up your insidious lies!
[Crumpling paper]
Sam (as Narrator): We prepare to observe the death throes of the office drone. But what’s this!
Janet (as Drone 1): Wait! Don’t fire me! I’ll…I’ll turn snitch.
Janet (as Supervisor): Snitch, eh?
Sam (as Narrator): Ah, the ingenuity of these plucky creatures never ceases to astound!
Janet (as Drone 1): Yeah. Snitch. I’ll tell you everything they’re planning. Just, let me keep my job.
Janet (as Supervisor): Hmmmmm…deal.
Sam (as Narrator): The office drone sacrifices loyalty for self-preservation, and will justly earn the undying hatred of her peers. I wish there was a lesson here, but instead, we are plunged once again into existential ennui.
[Theme music; fading out]
Sam (as Narrator): Pass me those pills will you? Bless.
Scene: Student Union (7:56)
(Character breakdown: the President and two Students are basically Sam and Janet’s out-of-touch idea of what kids are like, so they’re like caricatures of ‘cool,’ skateboarding, Taz-tshirt-wearing kids from 30 years ago.)
[Tango muzak in background]
Janet: Well, seeing as this show airs on campus station CFMU and seeing as today’s topic is unions, we should do a scene for college students.
Sam: No problem, we can do something about student unions.
Janet: Great. Let’s see, what do we know about college students?
Sam: They’re about 19 years old.
Janet: Cool. So, young enough to be your kid?
Sam: Huh, yeah, I guess so.
Janet: We’re old.
Sam: No matter, no matter!
Janet: Work It’s still hip, right?
Sam: Janet, I guarantee it. Here: let’s do our scene about student unions and everyone will see how much we’re in touch with the kids today.
[A swoosh! and we cut to: ambient crowd noise – a hall or so, a large union meeting; gavel – konk, konk, konk!]
Janet (as President): I call this meeting to order. Cowabunga, dudes! Step up to the mic and tell us your demands!
Sam (as Student One): Max air on skateboard ramps when I’m doing extreme sports!
Janet (as Student Two): A Chip & Pepper hypercolor tee for tubular style!
Sam (as Student One): CFMU inventory includes all the freshest rap cassettes – cassingles won’t cut it!
Janet (as Student Two): Library stocked copies of Cracked, Circus and Darkhawk!
Sam (as Student One): Hockey cards!
Janet (as Student Two): Action figures!
Sam (as Student One): Do the Bartman!
Janet (as Student Two): Jonathan Lipnicki!
Janet (as President): All in favour!
[Big cheer of young voices]
Janet (as President): Motion carries unanimously. Don’t have a cow, grown-ups! The kids are in the house!
[Big cheer of young voices; gavel – konk konk konk!; and with a swoosh! we cut back to: tango muzak in background]
Sam: Well, that wasn’t too embarrassing.
Janet: I think we showed we’re still basically the same cool people we were in our early twenties.
Sam: Well, let’s get going, I– ooh, my back!
Janet: Some epsom salts should clear that right up.
Sam: Here, help me to the tub.
Janet: I don’t think CFMU has a tub… Men’s room sink?
Sam: Perfect.
[Fade out over ad libs of, e.g., ‘Oof’, ‘Careful’, ‘Help me with the door’…]
Scene: Work It Unionises (9:31)
[Fast typing on keyboard; a clock ticking loudly]
Janet: Errrgghhhh!
Sam: What’s the matter, Janet?
Janet: I can’t take it anymore, Sam! Widget Media is working us to the bone here!
Sam: Haha, be careful what you say, lest our beloved leaders hear you…
Janet: No! I’m sick of it! We need to organise, Sam.
Sam: I don’t think our well-intentioned, definitely-human managers will take kindly to that.
Janet: Well, it’s the only way to stand up for ourselves. I’ve even drafted a resolution, so it’s all official-like. Wanna hear it?
Sam: I do not condone this activity.
Janet: Okay, so:
Whereas Work It’s a pretty solid radio show, and whereas it’s entirely the work of only two people-
Sam: Uh huh…
Janet: Whereas Sam and I are super integral to the show, and therefore indispensable-
Sam: Oh I dunno…
Janet: Whereas Widget Media is run by a bunch of dictatorial buttholes with no soul and a lust for profit-
Sam: Janet…
Janet: Whereas Widget Media can go eat a dick, and I hope their stupid faces melt off their dumb skulls-
Sam: For the love of god, I'm not co-signing this…
Janet: And finally-
Sam: Oh thank goodness.
Janet: Whereas we’re not even making any money off of all this-
Sam: ’K, that’s fair.
Janet: Be it resolved that Sam & I are forming a union, and we’re totally gonna strike if Widget doesn’t smarten up. What do you think?
Sam: Could use some editing.
Janet: You say that about everything I write.
Sam: Yeah, well, everything you write is-
Janet: Anyway, let’s do this! I’ll be the president, you can be my first mate, we’ll rise up against our oppressors and-
[Phone ringing]
Sam: Uh-oh, it’s the official Work It hotline.
[Picking up]
Janet: Hello?
[Cartoony talking on other end]
Yes, this is she.
Fired! Nice try, I’m in a union now!
Whaddaya mean, “not even a little bit legal”?
Anyway, I’m the face of Work It.
Sam is? Have you seen his face?
Yes- yes- with respect, a little plastic surgery would fix most of my-
Okay, fine! You’ll be sorry!
[Click! Hanging up phone]
Sam: Are you fired?
Janet: Sam, we’re going on strike.
[Inspiring, stirring music in background]
Sam: But what about the rest of this episode??
Janet: Don’t worry. We pre-recorded it.
Sam: Okay great, so the show will be completely unaffected?
Janet: Completely.
Sam: Awesome, I’d hate for a strike to be disruptive.
Janet: Oh god, I know, how inconsiderate.
[Fade out]
Blackout: Alternatives to Sit-Ins (11:49)
Sam (as Voiceover): Alternatives to a Sit-In
Sam (as Voiceover): Stand-In.
[Click! of a film slate; crowd ambience; it’s a film set]
Sam (as Film Director): Action!
Janet (as Protestor One): We’re going to stand here until the bosses come down and negotiate!
Jeff Goldbloom (via film clip): Life will not be contained. Life breaks free, it expands to new territories and it crashes through barriers painfully, maybe even dangerously, but, uh…
Sam (as Film Director): Cut! That’s lunch for Jeff, can we get the stand-in?
Sam (as Stand-in, dopey): Heya.
Sam (as Film Director): Action!
Janet (as Protestor One): We’re going to stand here until the bosses come down and negotiate!
Sam (as Stand-in, dopey): Sounds like a plan!
Sam (as Film Director): Cut!
[A swoosh and we cut to:]
Sam (as Voiceover): Bed-In
[Beatles-type folk-rock in background]
Sam (as John Lennon): We’re having a bed-in for peace, you know.
Janet (as Reporter): I see, and if the military-industrial complex refuses your terms?
Sam (as John Lennon): I’ll probably have a nap.
[A swoosh and we cut to:]
Sam (as Voiceover): Laugh-In
Janet (as Protester): We’re here protesting injustice, exploitation and we’re not going to leave until we get a meeting with the President.
Richard Nixon (via clip from Laugh In): Sock it to me.
Janet (as Protester): Hey Dick, what’s young Goldie Hawn really like?
[A swoosh and we cut to:]
Sam (as Voiceover): EZ-Bake Oven
[Note: ‘Oven’ above pronounced like of-in; tick-tick-tick of EZ-Bake Oven in background till it ‘dings’]
Sam (as Striker One): What do we want?
Sam and Janet (as Strikers): Honest work for honest pay!
Sam (as Striker One): When do we want it?
Sam and Janet (as Strikers): Now!
Sam (as Striker One): What do we want?
[Ding!; a beat]
Sam and Janet (as Strikers): Muffins!
Scene: Union Meeting (13:06)
(Character breakdown: Chair is patient, maybe too patient; William is squeaky and entitled and never listens and is awful; Betty is old and well-intentioned but, again, doesn’t listen at all; Bob is very mild, soft-spoken and sweet – until he isn’t.)
[Continuous outcry and furore in background]
Janet (as Chair): Okay, so before we open the floor to discussion, I’d like to remind you all that we’re just voting on the new union logo right now.
[Increased outcry]
Janet (as Chair): Yes, we’ll have time to cover other concerns shortly, but let’s respect everyone’s time and keep it to the logo for now, okay? The chair recognises Comrade William.
Sam (as William): Yeah thanks, Laura. Okay, so people, we need to talk about how icy the sidewalks are. I told the boss, I said, that’s a hazard. And he was all-
Janet (as Chair): William- William! I’m sorry to interrupt, that’s a really serious concern you’re expressing, but-
Sam (as William): Um yeah, I think maybe you shouldn’t censor my speech then?
Janet (as Chair): It’s just that workplace hazards are on the agenda, we will get to that soon, and we really can’t waste time on-
Sam (as William): Oh wow, so now you’re telling me that I’m wasting time? The chair of this union, our elected representative-
[Jeers, boos]
Janet (as Chair): Okay, order, everyone! Come on, we just need to vote on this logo!
Sam (as William): While lives are at stake, Laura, you’re here pushing your own interests.
Janet (as Chair): Okay, alright, your time’s up William. Go sit down.
Sam (as William): Wow.
[Shuffling sounds of mic being handled]
Janet (as Chair): So. Just to remind folks, yet again, that we’re to keep discussion on-topic. We’re talking about logos, and nothing else. The Chair recognises Comrade Betty.
Janet (as Betty): Yes, thanks so much dearie. Everyone, I want you to remember the bake sale-
Janet (as Chair): Betty. Does this have anything to do with the logo?
Janet (as Betty): Beg pardon?
Janet (as Chair): The logo. We’re voting on a new logo. Do you even have an opinion on that?
Janet (as Betty): Oh, I’m sure they’re all lovely, dearie. Now, the bake sale is on Thursday the-
Janet (as Chair): Betty. Now is really not the time.
Sam (as William): [distantly] More censorship from the chair! Fascists run this union!
[Boos, jeers]
Janet (as Chair): A reminder that all members are to speak in turn!
Janet (as Betty): -Thursday the 10th, in the atrium-
Janet (as Chair): Betty! Sit down!
Janet (as Betty): …oh. Of course.
[Boos]
Janet (as Chair): Okay, calm down please, everyone. Order! I know we all have things we’d like to say, and I’m not here to stop you-
[Boos]
Janet (as Chair): -but we really need to get through this agenda. Now. If you have an opinion on the logo, please. Go to the mic.
[A beat; chair scraping, footsteps]
Janet (as Chair): Okay. Comrade Bob, do you have an opinion on the logo?
Sam (as Bob): Yes, I do, ma’am.
Janet (as Chair): And you’re going to tell us your opinion on the logo, and nothing else?
Sam (as Bob): That’s right.
Janet (as Chair): Okay. Go ahead, Bob.
Sam (as Bob): Oh, uh, hi everyone, I’m Bob.
(Crescendoing, growing rabid:)
I just wanted to say this logo is a symbol of the authoritarian state, just like our dictatorial so-called chair!
[Huge cheers]
Sam (as William): Attaboy, Bob!
Janet (as Chair): What!
Sam (as Bob): Yes, the chair of the union is our real enemy! Let’s overthrow her and go on strike!
[Cheers; riot – smashing, shouting]
Janet (as Chair): You can’t do this! Robert’s rules exist for a reason, you haven’t even tabled a motion! Ow, stop it!
Sam (as William): Wait- wait, everyone! I just realised something!
[Stop]
Sam (as William): How can we go on strike when we don’t have a logo for our banners.
[Collective gasp]
Janet (as Random Attendee, ‘off mic’): But we just killed the chair!
Sam (as William, in horror): What have we done?!
Scene: Unions PSA (16:32)
(Character breakdown: It’s like an educational film of the 50s, so Voiceover is your classic sexist, didactic patriarch type; and Sally is a daffy, clueless girl; Jim is an innocent young man, like a Wally Cleaver-type.)
[The overall sound is staticy, like an old film; voices are a bit muffled and scratchy; there is unobtrusive background music of hokey old jazzy muzak]
Sam (as Jim): Hiya, Sally. What’s the matter?
Janet (as Sally): Well, Jim, It’s Mr. Sherwin. He still won’t give me a raise!
Sam (as Jim): Gee, now that you mention it, he’s never given me a raise, either.
Janet (as Sally): Say, do you think we should form a union?
Sam (as Jim): Sure! That’ll teach Mr. Sherwin a lesson!
Sam (as Voiceover): Now stop right there, you two. It’s time we had a talk about unions.
[Organ sting]
Sam (as Voiceover): Across America, more and more workers like yourselves are organising. But is it really the right option for you? Let’s see what happens when you join a union.
[Fade out music]
Janet (as Sally): Gee whiz, Jimmy, I’m not sure about these union dues.
Sam (as Jim): You’re right, Sally. They say it’s for administration and stuff, but what if they’re just in it for the money?
[Fade music back in]
Sam (as Voiceover): That’s a great point, Jimmy. Don’t let those money-grubbing unions exploit you!
[Fade out music]
Janet (as Sally): Golly. Well, it’s a good thing my new salary increase will more than pay for-
[Fade music back in]
Sam (as Voiceover): Haha, hush there, Sally. Now, let’s take a look at union meetings.
[Fade out music; ambient murmur of voices]
Janet (as Chair, thick Russian accent): Comrades- I mean my fellow American dogs- we are happy to make union with you. Now we drink wodka!
[Cheers; fade music back in]
Sam (as Voiceover): Notice anything…strange here?
Sam (as Jim): She seems like a normal blue-collar American worker to me.
[Fade out  music]
Janet (as Chair, thick Russian accent): We will fight for all workers in Mother Russia- I mean Mother USA! 
[US national anthem plays in background]
(Aside, hushed:)
Eto pravil'no?
[Cheers; fade out anthem; fade muzak back in]
Sam (as Jim): Gosh, something’s just not right, Sally. I wonder if she’s…
Sam (as Voiceover): A commie??
[Riot sounds – smashing, yelling – in background]
Janet (as Sally): It’s too late, Jimmy! The Union is overthrowing the bourgeoisie as we speak!
Sam (as Jim): Why did we have to form a union? This is all our fault!
Janet (as Sally): I miss our freedom! The freedom to work mandatory overtime!
Sam (as Jim): I miss the constant looming threat of termination!
Sam (as Jim) and Janet (as Sally, both desperate): Come back, capitalism!
[Fade out riot]
Sam (as Voiceover): Yes, Jimmy and Sally thought they were safe from the red menace, until they joined…a union. Remember, folks. Fair wages today mean the gulag tomorrow.
[Soviet song plays, fades out]
Scene: Union Banter (19:01)
[Some retro, jazzy muzak in background]
Sam: Janet, this episode is pointless. Why are we even talking about unions? Don’t you know we live in the gig economy now?
Janet: Is that right?
Sam: It’s true: The only job for working stiffs now is to Uber bankers back to your house that they’re renting on Airbnb.
Janet: That sounds pretty dire, Sam. I mean, what about benefits and protections?
Sam: Oh, those are long gone. You think you can afford to see the dentist on Work It money? Yeah, right. Chewing’s for rich folks.
Janet: I can see the headline now: Millennials Kill Dental Industry.
Sam: A Weekly Standard feature from star contributors, Thinktank Failson and Spheroid Brat.
Janet: Well, exactly. No wonder public support for unions is as high as it’s been in over 15 years.
Sam: Well, let’s take a look at unions in the news and see what we can learn.
Janet: Did you hear the hubbub surrounding that video game, Red Dead Redemption 2?
Sam: Oh yeah, their publishing was bragging about the staff pulling hundred-hour weeks.
Janet: Exactly. And while you may feel that terrorizing the people of Valentine couldn’t possibly have been delayed, some folks disagree.
Sam: Some groups want games labourers to organize against unfair practices. That sounds nice, but can I still jump on the heads of goombas and koopas without repercussion..
Janet: You’d probably get hauled before a tribunal. Or mini-boss.
Sam: There was also Brooklyn’s New Museum.
Janet: Famed for progressive, diverse exhibitions, they were nevertheless paying some staff poverty wages – one employee described it as ‘working a job meant for rich people’.
Sam: But, be fair Janet. Museums wouldn’t exist if rich people hadn’t travelled the world taking people’s stuff.
Janet: Exploitation’s in their blood, it’s true. New Museum brass also brought in a firm whose website boasts, “When We Take Action, You Take Control.”
Sam: Oh, cool, so that’s not just the overblown nonsense of some MBA f*cking losers who think their PowerPoints can stop an organized workforce.
Janet: Definitely not!
Sam: Well, hopefully the staff at this museum will paint management into a corner.
Janet: …Will get that Monet.
Sam (aside): Why do people even listen to this show, Janet?
Janet: They don’t! And of course, there are 13 reasons we can’t forget about Buzzfeed.
Sam: You won’t believe number 8!
Janet: Seriously, where do we start? Maybe the time the employee bonus was $250, a yellow BuzzFeed beanie and something called a “Tasty cookbook”.
Sam: The phrase “Tasty cookbook” alone is strikeable.
Janet: How about the massive massive layoffs, when CEO Jonah Peretti was more concerned about whether to bring dogs into the office?
Sam: To be fair, introducing Jonah to a starving rottweiler could have brightened people’s spirits around the office.
Janet: Or how about their decision to withhold time off pay from laid off staffers, since this is, as Jonah put it, a “fairly standard” practice.
Sam: Define “fairly”.
Janet: The silver lining to all this is that BuzzFeed employees subsequently voted to unionize. Hopefully this doesn’t impact Jonah’s net worth of $200 million too severely.
Sam: Do a quiz to see how much we care.
Janet: You see, Sam. It’s not all doom and gloom. Don’t get me wrong, things are pretty godd–[censor beep]mn terrible. And it won’t be easy. But people seem to finally be organizing and fighting back.
Sam: All joking aside, shout outs to the striking teachers, GMG Union, the unions for New Yorker and New York Magazine, Vice, Anchor Beer, student unions fighting austerity, and the countless other folks fighting the good fight. We give you the Work It salute!
Janet: We sure do. But why’d you say “All joking aside.”
Sam: Oh, this is actually a comedy program.
Janet: Really? I had no idea.
Sam: We’re in what’s called the build-up stage. But when we finally do our first joke? Look out!
Janet: Can’t wait.
Scene: Union Dudes (22:24)
(Character breakdown: the Union Dudes are total ‘surfer dude’ types – little more than cartoon characters from the late 80s, frankly.)
Sam: Happy pay day, Janet!
Janet: Happy pay day, Sam!
Sam: Wanna party? We could check out the new Lars von Trier musical.
Janet: Dirty Dancer in the Dark? I’m in. Let me check my paystub.
Sam: Good idea.
[Envelopes ripping]
Janet: Hang on?
Sam: What are all these deductions?
Janet: They all tagged as “union dues”, but I don’t know about some of these.
Sam: Who do we speak to about this?
[Poof! of the Union Dudes appearing out of thin air; some funky, bong-rippingly good grooves in the background]
Janet: Who are you guys?
Sam (as Grody): We’re the Union Dudes!
Janet (as Brody): The dudes that do the dues, dude!
Sam (as Grody): That’s Brody.
Janet (as Brody): And that’s Grody.
Sam: Fantastic, so Union Dudes, this Health Insurance deduction seems awfully high.
Janet (as Brody): No worries, my dude. Health benefits have recently expanded to cover the following ailments: surfer’s itch.
Sam (as Grody): Skater’s elbow.
Janet (as Brody): Rollerblade rash.
Sam (as Grody): Naturally, it’s preemo pricey to offer such bodacious, capacious coverage.
Janet: Fine, that all makes sense, but what about these initiation fees?
Janet (as Brody): Ah, but perhaps you haven’t taken advantage of your benefits upon becoming a member.
Sam (as Grody): For your one-time-fee, you are entitled to one tattoo (tribal), one pair of shorts (Hawaiian board), and one shell necklace (puka).
Janet (as Brody): It’s a gnarly mish-mash of cultural appropriation, my dudette.
Sam: But what about all these lobbying costs?
Sam (as Grody): Did you know it is illegal to teach a gecko to surf?
Janet (as Brody): Illegal to do bong rips on Twitch?
Sam (as Grody): Illegal to shotgun a Red Bull while shooting shotguns at bulls with your bud?
Janet (as Brody): It’s time for bold ideas in politics, my dude.
Sam (as Grody): A green new deal.
Janet (as Brody): By which, we, of course mean…
Janet: Yes, it’s a weed joke, fine – but Union Dudes, there’s one problem. We don’t make any money off this show.
Sam: Yeah, there must be some other way we can help the union.
Janet (as Brody): Woah, grimey!
Sam (as Grody): Way to harsh my mellow.
Janet (as Brody): Let me think…
[Beat]
Hey, Grody, we have that luau tonight. That’s a lot of members to feed…
Sam (as Grody): We totally do, Brody. Hey, Sam and Janet, can you put these apples in your mouth?
Janet (mouth full): Happy to!
Sam (mouth full): Yum!
Janet (as Brody): Y’all can work it off at the luau. Now come on up to the fire-pit, there’s something we want to, uh, show you.
Sam (as Grody): It’s called a, uh, rotating tan.
Janet (mouth full): Oh boy!
Sam: Fun!
[Fading out]
Sam (as Grody): Good thing Sam’s been putting on weight, eh Brody?
Janet (as Brody): Hang ten, Pringles corporation!
Scene: Wish (24:47)
(Character breakdown: Sedgwick is gruff and mean-spirited; the Spirit is mostly just Janet bathed in reverb; Phantom Sedgwick is the same as Sedgwick, just in ‘real’ Sedgwick’s visions; the Rich Man and Child are pure Dickens – the one a patronising miser, the other a desperate urchin; Anderson sounds dopey.)
[Angry, distant crowd in background, continuous]
Sam (as Sedgwick): Confound these striking workers! The optics are terrible, the scabs I’ve brought in are worthless, complaints are up…I wish unions had never been invented!
[Poof!]
Janet (as Spirit): Cyril Sedgwick…
Sam (as Sedgwick): Good lord! Who- or what are you??
Janet (as Spirit): I am the spirit of wish fulfillment.
Sam (as Sedgwick): Are you here to eliminate the unions for me??
Janet (as Spirit): Be careful what you wish for, Sedgwick. Let’s see what the world would really look like without labour unions.
Sam (as Sedgwick): That’s Mr Sedgwick to you.
Janet (as Spirit): How about Mr ousted-by-the-board-of-directors, you nuisance. Get over here.
[Strumming of a harp, and we cut to: fade in horses and carriages, machines whirring, coughing of passers-by – we’re transported, through the miracle of sound effects, to Victorian England]
Sam (as Sedgwick): Where the dickens are we?
Janet (as Spirit): Cute. We’re in Victorian London. A land with no unions.
[A man weeping]
Janet (as Spirit): See that man crying over there? He’s working 16-hour days to feed his starving family. He’s at his wits’ end.
Sam (as Sedgwick): 16 hours…
Janet (as Spirit): And see here.
[Door knock; door opens]
Sam (as Rich Man): What do you want, child?
Janet (as Child): Please sir. I’m awful ‘ungry. Can I work for you?
Sam (as Rich Man): Hm…alright, I’ve got some coal mining that needs to get done. Tuppence a month.
Janet (as Child): Hooray!
Sam (as Sedgwick): Wow, child labour…criminally low wages…
Janet (as Spirit): I know. Astonishing, isn’t it?
Sam (as Sedgwick): No limit to the exploitation! I’d be a king among men!
Janet (as Spirit): Hm…that’s not quite the lesson I’d been hoping for.
Sam (as Sedgwick): Can I stay here forever?
Janet (as Spirit): Absolutely not. We’re heading to the present day now…
[Harp strings, and we cut to: office ambience – coughs, papers, low murmurs]
Sam (as Sedgwick): Why- This is my company again! But it’s filthy- 
[Bzzt of an electric shock] 
and full of hazards! 
[Wilhelm scream] 
And my workers- they’re so tired and resigned. You there, Anderson! Look alive!
Janet (as Spirit): Sedgwick, these are mere shadows of a world with no unions. The workers can’t see you.
[PA system beep]
Sam (as Phantom Sedgwick, as if over a PA system): Workers. This is your boss, Cyril Sedgwick.
[Groans from the workers]
Sam (as Phantom Sedgwick, as if over a PA system): Anderson, look alive!
Janet (as Anderson): Huh?
Sam (as Phantom Sedgwick, as if over a PA system): Never mind, you’re fired.
Janet (as Anderson): Oh.
Sam (as Phantom Sedgwick, as if over a PA system, furious): The rest of you, mandatory overtime! No pay!
[Wails and groans from the workers]
Sam (as Sedgwick, captivated): So…much…power!
Janet (as Spirit): Okay, this isn’t going so great. Let’s try one more time…
[Harp strings, and we cut to: rocket ships, lasers, lamentations, marching – it’s a dystopian future, dontcha know]
Sam (as Sedgwick): Wow…is this the future??
Janet (as Spirit): Yes. A dystopian future world with no labour rights.
Sam (as Phantom Sedgwick, bathed in reverb): Workers! This is your benevolent overlord speaking. I am pleased to announce a new salary adjustment: you must now pay me for the privilege of working here!
[Outcry from the populace]
Sam (as Phantom Sedgwick): Those who fail to comply will be fed to the radioactive mutant demons who now occupy what remains of the outside world.
[Snarls, gasps from a monstrous beast]
Also, I’d like to congratulate our radioactive mutant demon of the month, Glarfdon the Putrid.
[Roar from same]
Sam (as Sedgwick): Spirit…I’ve seen enough. Take me home.
Janet (as Spirit): I’m glad of it, my son.
[Harp strings, and we cut back to: original ambiance of unrest]
Janet (as Spirit): Well, Sedgwick? What have you learned?
Sam (as Sedgwick): I…I learned that in a world without unions…I can flout whatever rules now stand in my way, and someday, become the tyrant of a post-apocalyptic nuclear wasteland!
Janet (as Spirit): Uh-huh…
Sam (as Sedgwick): So it’s decided. I wished earlier for a world with no unions, and now I want you to grant that wish!
Janet (as Spirit): Well, see, I’m not going to do that.
Sam (as Sedgwick): What? But you’re the spirit of wish fulfillment!
Janet (as Spirit): Some guy in the picket line made a wish before you, so that’s why I’m really here. 
[Heavy, squeaky object being wheeled out] 
I was just toying with you. Now if you could please stick your head in this guillotine here…
Sam (as Sedgwick, happy to oblige): Suit yourself...
[Klonk! Splat!]
Scene: Outro (28:45)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: There it is folks: Work It, episode 15, in the can
But speaking of “solidarity forever,” why don't you show us a little solidarity and follow @WorkItPod on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, those bastions of progressive values and commitment to equity. 
Find us at workitpod.com for all the podcast links and subscribe to our YouTube. And while you're at it, why not rate and review the show on your podcast app of choice. 
No better way to show solidarity – wink, wink. See you next week, folks.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]