Ep. 014
Service with a Smile
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at customer service in which Sam and I bend over backwards to please you, you useless ingrates – what's that? You want to talk to my manager?! Cr–[censor beep]!
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Holy guacamole, it’s Work It number 14, where we’re talking all about customer service.
No request is too outlandish, no prostration at your feet too dehumanizing – remember, the customer is always right, but you, low-level employee, you are always expendable.
And just ‘cause the job stinks, doesn’t mean you can get away with “sticky fingers”. Thought you’d help yourself to some extra sketches when no one’s looking? Think again. We’ve got a strict policy on laughs prevention.
Now, let’s help you find what you’re looking for. It’s probably right over here...
[Theme music fades out]
Scene: Work It Support Desk (1:20)
[Phones ringing, being picked up, clicking back into their cradles, as Sam and Janet field customer support calls; soft jazz in background]
Sam: Work It Support Desk, hold please.
Janet: Work It Support Desk, please hold.
Sam: Thank you for calling Work It, may I put you on hold?
Janet: Work It loves you, please hold.
Sam (to Janet): How’d we get roped into this?
Janet: Curse of being popular, everyone wants a piece of us now.
Sam: When CFMU promised us the fame and fortune of campus radio, I never stopped to think of the downside –
Janet: Having to deal with the riff-raff.
Sam: The hoi polloi.
Janet: Exactly, I thought we’d outgrown the the masses [sic], but here we are: fielding customer support requests from disappointed listeners.
Sam: Tell you what, why don’t we put these calls on speakerphone and we can blast through them and we can be at the off-track betting place by happy hour.
Janet: Perfect, I saw a big bag with a dollar sign on it that said “student fees” in the back office.
[Click – they put a call on speakerphone]
Sam: Thank you for holding, Work It Support here, what seems to be the problem?
Janet (as Conservative Caller, uptight): Hi, I’d like to register a complaint about the latest episode of Work It. I played it backwards looking for demonic messages I could get mad about and use to run for office as a frothing reactionary, but all’s I heard was a bunch of dumb jokes spoken in reverse order. I’ll stop listening unless you fix this at once.
Sam: We’re sorry that you were unsatisfied with the episode and we deeply value your support. Although we’re sorry to see you go, might we suggest driving off a cliff? We’ll be happy to send coupons to the flaming wreckage.
Janet (as Conservative Caller): Ooh, coupons!
[Skreee, crash! Car driving off cliff]
Janet: Thank you for holding, you’ve reached Work It Support.
Sam (as Liberal Caller): Yeah, your show’s no good. The shows I like feature one of the following: blow-by-blow recaps of a children’s cartoon from thirty years ago; semi-literate improvisers giving their opinions; GoFundMe investors named John explaining why it’s racist not to restrict health-care; two white women telling a female warden to “slay queen”; DSA members doing hate-speech; ...
(Becoming rabid:)
[Scary, cinematic, thriller music fades in, along with a woman screaming in terror]
...and murders – lots and lots of grisly murders with blood and guts and an axe through a little girl’s head!
[End sound effects]
(Normal again:)
I’m very normal and my tastes are very normal and good, so please be more like that with your show there please.
Janet: We’re sorry that the Work It programs are not up to your standards. Might we suggest tuning your radio in between the dials until it’s pure white noise, and then listening to it till you reach the next level of insanity and start hearing a call from beyond. Hand yourself over to the Old Gods, offer yourself as a vessel to their rebirth. We’ll send coupons.
Sam (as Liberal Caller, frenzied): I can almost hear the cries of Azatoth! Feast on my soul, o wretched one!
[Monstrous beast howling, person screaming]
Sam: Thank you for calling Work It, what seems to be the problem.
Janet (as Pleasant Caller, gentle, sweet): Oh, sorry I must have the wrong department. I was calling to say I really like the show.
Sam: Oh yeah?
Janet (as Pleasant Caller, gentle, sweet): Yeah, I think it’s a wry look at jobs and working in our historical moment. I like the educational film parodies and the film trailer parodies a bunch, but really I mostly like how you are finding humour in the pretty grim socio-economic realities facing quote-unquote millennials.
Sam: Wow, that means a lot.
Janet (as Pleasant Caller, gentle, sweet): Just one thing.
Sam: Sure, my pleasure.
Janet (as Pleasant Caller, gentle, sweet): When you do this scene, could you cast Janet in my role? She’s my favourite.
Sam: I’ll she if she’s available and if not, would you please consider that you can go to hell with the horse you rode in on, you lousy ingrate!
[Slamming phone]
Janet: She seemed nice.
Sam (resentful): I’ll be sure to send her a coupon.
Blackout: IntroCo. Ad (3:51)
[Peppy, jingle music in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Is this your worst nightmare?
[Jingle of business’ door opening]
Janet (as Customer Service, confident): Hiya folks, what can I do ya for?
Sam (as Customer, anxious): Oh no!
Sam (as Voiceover): Then check out IntroCo, the company whose staff are just as anxious and neurotic as you!
[Jingle of business’ door opening]
Janet (as Customer Service, anxious): Um…hi.
Sam (as Customer, anxious): Oh, uh...
[Beat; silence; and then, jingle resumes]
Sam (as Voiceover): Much better! Find an IntroCo near you today, and get none of your needs dealt with!
Scene: Roger and Vera on Customer Service (4:17)
(Character breakdown: Roger and Vera are a little mischievous and very old.)
[Old-timey recording – crackley, i.e. – of theme muzak in background]
Janet (as Vera): Hello, dearies, welcome back to Roger & Vera’s Variety Hour. Later in the program, Roger will sing Danny Boy again, so do stay tuned for that-
Sam (as Roger): Quit yer rambling, Vera, and help me find my teeth!
Janet (as Vera): Oh gracious, now where did they - oh Roger, they were on top of your head all along.
[Putting teeth in]
Sam (as Roger): There! Now! I’ve got something to say to you whippersnappers out there.
Janet (as Vera): So listen closely, you hear?
Sam (as Roger): Customer service!
Janet (as Vera): We’ve got a few suggestions to improve. First, lovelies, is: be more professional.
Sam (as Roger): Dadgummit, I didn’t spend 3 years fighting dysentery in Nam just to have some kid who never learned how to shave call me ‘dude’.
Janet (as Vera): “Oh, hey, my man, groovy suspenders, dude.”
Sam (as Roger): Despicable. And no more of these frou-frou European expresso drinks! I’m a man, dammit - I want a man’s coffee!
Janet (as Vera): The weaker the better!
Sam (as Roger): Like brown spit, that’s all I ask.
Janet (as Vera): Next customer service tip, train your staff.
Sam (as Roger): I went to a store the other day, no one there spoke a word of English. What kind of pinko, degenerate-
Janet (as Vera): We were in Quebec, dear, la belle province.
Sam (as Roger): In Canada, we speak English! I didn’t fight the Nazis with my bare knuckles just to have some Parisian sing me Frère Jacques.
Janet (as Vera): Next, of course, we think you young folk need to answer your phone.
Sam (as Roger): I spent 17 hours yesterday, talking to a robot.
Janet (as Vera): Now, it did last far longer than a human would before hanging up on you.
Sam (as Roger): I’m so lonely.
Janet (as Vera): And lastly, puppets, we really do think you should learn to put the customer first.
Sam (as Roger): I didn’t die of Spanish influenza for king & country in the trenches of the Great War, just to have some punk tell me he won’t honour my vitamin coupon.
Janet (as Vera): To be fair, Roger, it was many years expired.
Sam (as Roger): Did you hear me, Vera? Coupons are about honour.
Janet (as Vera): And you do love your vitamins, dear.
Sam (as Roger): Wilma Flintstone, you fox! 
[Crunching and chewing]
Janet (as Vera): What’s more, everyone expects a tip these days!
Sam (as Roger): [SFX cavalry battle & tense music fade in]
Consarnit, Vera, I didn’t charge into a line of bayonets at Waterloo, shoulder aching from the kick of my musket, the stench of death all around, a moment’s fleeting glimpse of Napoleon himself, then it all went black as some rotten ‘parleyvoo’ got the jump on me…
Janet (as Vera): Roger?
[Snoring]
Janet (as Vera): Roger!
Sam (as Roger): Gah! Just so some no-good lindy-hopper could demand compensation for their services!
Janet (as Vera): We want to go back to the good old days.
Sam (as Roger): Back when you could walk into the bar and everyone’d know your name.
Janet (as Vera): Oh, that was a television program, dearie.
Sam (as Roger): We’d all gather at Arnold’s Drive-In, and ol’ Fonzie would have another crazy scheme up his sleeve.
Janet (as Vera): Again, that’s on the-
Sam (as Roger): And then we’d all take a trip to the moon, and swat aliens with our umbrellas.
Janet (as Vera): Oh dear, it’s time for your nap, Roger.
Sam (as Roger): Nasty little buggers, those aliens.
Janet (as Vera): Well folks, I hope you learned a valuable lesson today, and come back real soon, you hear?
[Theme music fade out]
Scene: Work It Mart (8:09)
(Character breakdown: Janet is just ‘herself,’ out shopping; Cashier is chipper, but not gratingly so.)
[Busy store ambience – cash registers; murmuring; shopping carts…]
Sam (as Cashier): Thank you for shopping at Work It Mart. How can we help you today?
Janet: I just need a pen, I think they’re behind the counter.
Sam (as Cashier): You’re absolutely right, we have several different types of pen here, would you like a Mowat-Style Easy Writer, or the SamFlow Deluxe?
Janet: Just your cheapest pen, I just need to jot something down.
Sam (as Cashier): We also have these loosies from PigPen brand discount writing implements – only 83 cents.
Janet: Perfect.
[Beep of scanning item]
Sam (as Cashier): Did you find everything you were looking for today?
Janet: Yup, just needed the pen.
Sam (as Cashier): And do you have a Work It Fun Club membership?
Janet: I don’t think so.
Sam (as Cashier): And can I interest you in a Work It Fun Club membership today?
Janet: No, thank you, just the pen.
Sam (as Cashier): May I tell you about the benefits of owning a Work It Fun Club membership?
Janet: Just the pen is fine.
Sam (as Cashier): I see. If you don’t mind, I’ll just tell you a handful of benefits of becoming a Work It Fun Club member and we can take it from there. Honestly, I could scarcely live with myself if I left you ignorant of the better world that awaits you.
Janet: I’m really okay, just the pen is great.
Sam (as Cashier): Your postal code?
Janet: I’d rather not.
Sam (as Cashier): Menstrual cycle phase?
Janet: No, just the pen.
Sam (as Cashier): Hitachi or Lovense?
Janet: Look, can I ask you something?
Sam (as Cashier): Absolutely, your friends at Work It Mart live to help you.
Janet: First off, didn’t Baroness von Sketch do a scene like this?
Sam (as Cashier): It’s certainly possible.
Janet: Second, what’s with all these questions – the membership, ‘Did I find everything?’, the personal details?
Sam (as Cashier): All Work It Mart staff are trained to deliver an optimal customer experience!
Janet: They make you do this, don’t they? Your bosses, your bosses’ bosses.
Sam (as Cashier): I serve at the pleasure of Work It Mart management, with a dash of precarious job prospects and a hollowed out welfare state, if that’s what you mean, ma’am.
Janet: Listen: I don’t normally do this on the first transaction, but I feel a real connection.
Sam (as Cashier): Go on.
Janet: Well, okay: how about you and me… and the rest of your colleagues making minimum wage… how about we all run off to the outdoorsman isle, grab what we need and storm head office?
Sam (as Cashier): Lady! It’s a deal! But which punchline should we use?
Sam (as Voiceover): And now: the punchline! Option one!
Sam (as Cashier): Hey, what’d you need the pen for anyway?
Janet: Oh, to write this sketch.
Sam (as Cashier): You use a laptop, don’t you?
Janet: My mistake.
Sam (as Cashier): Have a great Work It Day!
[Cheap-sounding fanfare – ta da!]
Sam (as Voiceover): The punchline! Option two!
Sam (as Cashier): Bet they didn’t end it like that on Baroness.
Janet: No, they made the cashier the butt of the joke.
Sam (as Cashier): Yeah well, liberal feminism…
Janet: Their hatred for ‘the help’ is so obvious, it’s nauseating.
Sam (as Cashier): Look at the replies to anything about Klobuchar. “It’s good she screams at her staff,” blah blah blah.
Janet: Exactly– hang on, you birdbrain, this isn’t a punchline at all!
Sam (as Cashier): So option one then?
Janet: Option one. Cut this. This sucks.
Sam (as Cashier): Cool, consider it cut.
[Scissors cutting – chop, chop, chop; fade out]
Blackout: Yelp Reviews from the Animal Kingdom, part 1 (10:14)
[Innocuous tango muzak in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Yelp Reviews from the Animal Kingdom.
Janet (as Gazelle, pretentious): As a gazelle, I was excited to try out the grass at the Serengetti. My family and I went on a Friday night expecting a chill vibe. Instead of enjoying a nice dinner, we were attacked by cheetahs! Imagine my surprise. Zero stars.
Sam (as Dog, dopey): Hello! I am dog. I love play and I love sun. Me go to dog park with master. For run around, you see. Lots of dogs! Run around, run around. Oh, and sniffing anus! 5 star.
Janet (as Ant, teeny): The other ants and I wanted to unwind after a long week in the colony – our queen ant is more like a queen b, if you know what I mean… Anyways. We settled on sunny Venezuela. It started nice enough. But on our second day, most of us were eaten by an anteater. 2 stars.
Scene: Job Interview (11:09)
(Character breakdown: Sandy and Tom sound ‘normal’ – i.e., identical to Janet and Sam – until experiencing heightened emotions, as indicated.)
[Office room tone; door knocking, opening]
Janet (as Sandy): Ah, Tom, right? Come on in, I’m Sandy, none of this Ms Robinson stuff!
Sam (as Tom): Nice to meet you, Sandy.
[Chairs scraping, papers rustling]
Janet (as Sandy): Likewise, likewise. I must say, I was really impressed with your resume, Tom. Lots of customer service experience, which I’m sure you know is a top priority here at Widget Enterprises.
Sam (as Tom): Yeah, customer service is my passion, you know, so I’m really excited about this opportunity.
Janet (as Sandy): Great, well, let’s jump in. I’m just going to give you a few hypothetical scenarios, and I want you to tell me how you think you’d handle them. Sound good?
Sam (as Tom): Sure thing.
Janet (as Sandy): So, first question. Let’s say you’re working the phones and a mom calls in to say her toddler burnt himself on our BakeRite Simplecook oven.
Sam (as Tom): Yikes, okay.
Janet (as Sandy): How do you handle that?
Sam (as Tom): Uh, well, I’d probably ask how the toddler’s doing, figure out what happened, was it a defect…then file an incident report and offer to follow up.
Janet (as Sandy): Hmmm…
Sam (as Tom): Is that not right? I mean, every company has different policies around this stuff.
Janet (as Sandy): Sure, sure, I guess some places might do something weird like that. Uh, here at Widget we really prefer to keep everything positive, you know?
Sam (as Tom): Right…
Janet (as Sandy): Which in this case would mean silencing dissent.
Sam (as Tom): In what way, exactly?
Janet (as Sandy): Well, of course you don’t have to do the job yourself, but I would expect the situation to be…dealt with…before any members of the public could hear about it.
Sam (as Tom): I’m not 100% sure I follow you.
Janet (as Sandy): Huh. Okay, well let’s try another scenario. Let’s say there’s a big product launch coming up, people are lined up around the block, but there’s a delay and they’re getting restless. What do you do?
Sam (as Tom): Sure, I guess I’d let everyone know what’s going on, keep them updated-
Janet (as Sandy): Okay…
Sam (as Tom): -and maybe get some games going, get everyone having fun and interacting with each other. Make it memorable, you know?
Janet (as Sandy): Hm.
Sam (as Tom): …Not right?
Janet (as Sandy): Well, see, the problem here isn’t how much fun people are having.
Sam (as Tom): It’s not?
Janet (as Sandy): The problem is too many people. We here at Widget want to please all our customers, and if there are too many customers, we can’t please them.
Sam (as Tom): So…
Janet (as Sandy): So we must eliminate them.
Sam (as Tom): What? How?
Janet (as Sandy): Oh, our lab guys can help with that. Strychnine is my personal favourite. What’s your favourite?
Sam (as Tom): My favourite way to kill people. This is a trap, right?
Janet (as Sandy): Tom, I’m not sure you’re going to fit with our customer service approach here.
Sam (as Tom): Frankly I’m starting to agree.
Janet (as Sandy): Last chance, let’s try role-playing a little interaction.
Sam (as Tom): Okay, why not.
Janet (as Sandy): So you’re working the front desk here, and I’m a customer.
Sam (as Tom): Sure. Hi there, ma’am, how are you today?
Janet (as Sandy): “I’d be a lot better if your merchandise wasn’t a shoddy mess, you incompetent fool.”
Sam (as Tom): Wow. Uh, I’m sorry to hear you’re dissatisfied, but-
Janet (as Sandy): Tom! What have I been trying to tell you!
Sam (as Tom): Oh right, um, well then get out of here, you-
Janet (as Sandy, back in character): “I’m going to tell all my friends about your terrible service!”
Sam (as Tom): Oh no!
Janet (as Sandy): “I’m writing a bad Google review as we speak!”
Sam (as Tom): No, please! Our reputation! Must…stop this…
Janet (as Sandy): Yes! That’s it Tom, do what you must to save our reputation!
Sam (as Tom): You can’t…rag on Widget Enterprises…Not on my watch!
Janet (as Sandy): Yes! That’s it, Tom!
Sam (as Tom): Aaaaarrrghhh 
[Machine gun fire; manic panting from Tom]
Janet (as Sandy, dying): You’re…hired… ughh.
Sam (as Tom, grimly): No one gives Widget Enterprises a bad review.
[Action movie music in background]
Sam (as Movie Trailer Voiceover): The gruesome adventures of Tom Daley, Customer Service Representative - coming soon to a theatre near you!
Blackout: No Refunds! (14:51)
[Dull jazzy muzak in background]
Sam: Thank you for contacting customer service. We regret to inform you that the following items are non-refundable unless returned in an unopened condition: Bandages.
[Bandage peeling]
Janet: Underpants.
[Splash of peeing]
Sam: Toothpaste.
[Brushing teeth]
Janet: Colostomy bag.
[Splat!]
Sam: The eggs benny you had for breakfast.
[Noisy eating]
Janet: Prophylactics, to go with the obvious joke.
[Squirt!; cut to: Renaissance Fair music in background of next gag]
Sam (medieval accent): A codpiece, a merkin, a chastity belt doth be non-refundable.
[End music]
Janet: The gum you’re chewing.
[Pop!]
Sam: Used shampoo.
[Scrubbing hair]
Janet: Little Conner’s dirty diaper.
[Baby crying]
Sam: Your dead-end job.
[Ch-ching! of a cash register]
Janet: Those five years with your first wife.
[Nelson from the Simpsons saying “Haw-haw!”]
Sam: This. Just, all of this.
[“Moonlight Sonata” in the background till indicated]
Janet: Wherever you’re listening to this, just look around you. Take a look, a good look. See all that stuff? You see it?
Sam: No refunds!
Janet: The previous minute.
Sam and Janet: No refunds!
[End “Moonlight Sonata”; tango muzak fades back in]
Sam: Work It thanks you for your continued patronage and will be happy to offer you a discount on next week’s episode.
[Tango fades out; “Moonlight Sonata” fades back in; and stops, abruptly, with a gunshot]
Blackout: Yelp Reviews from the Animal Kingdom, part 2 (15:40)
[Innocuous tango muzak in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Yelp Reviews from the Animal Kingdom.
Sam (as Pig, gruff): I’m a pig. You know we’re actually very clean? Maybe you already knew that, but I thought I’d mention it. Just a bit of barnyard trivia. But peep this: So, me and the other pigs were playing in the mud the other day. It was great! 5 stars! Just for “mud” in general. Mud’s the best!
Janet (as Mouse, mousy): Being a field mouse, I love rustic. No Wifi? No problem! So when my partner, Larry, and I visited Farmer Bob’s old barn, I thought: “How cute is this?!” Then the barn cat appeared. I assumed it was part of some elaborate proposal Larry had planned. But no, the cat was just biting his head off. Weirdly, Larry seemed relieved. But I certainly won’t be coming back. 1.5 stars.
Sam (as Wesel, sleazy): I’m a weasel. A filthy, disgusting weasel. Slippery and awful, that’s me. An unscrupulous, slimy little f–[censor beep]er. Got it? Good. Me? I went to some Toronto restaurant on King Street – just my style. 5 stars!
Scene: Heaven’s Complaints Dept. (16:50)
(Character breakdown: Linda is entitled and bratty – someone who’s constantly asking to “speak with the manager”; Angel is serene and pleasant; God has a booming, commanding voice.)
[New age-y music in background, gentle streams; door open with a jingle; pause]
Janet (as Linda): [clears throat]
[Beat]
Hello? Anyone here?
[Dinging bell at front desk – ding! ding!]
Sam (as Angel): Oh! Hello, are you lost?
Janet (as Linda): No, I want to file a complaint.
Sam (as Angel): Are you sure??
Janet (as Linda): Um, I think I know my own opinion!
Sam (as Angel): Well! Uh, I think I have some forms around here somewhere…oh dear…
Janet (as Linda): Come on, isn’t this what you do in the complaints department?
Sam (as Angel): Well…but we’re in heaven.
Janet (as Linda): So?
Sam (as Angel): No one’s ever complained before.
[Writing on paper]
Sam (as Angel): Ah! Here we are. Now, name?
Janet (as Linda): Linda Baxter.
Sam (as Angel): Cause of death?
Janet (as Linda): Asphyxiation on a peach pit.
Sam (as Angel): Uh-huh…okay, nature of complaint?
Janet (as Linda): It’s just…it’s not what I expected.
Sam (as Angel): I see. Um, can you elaborate on that?
Janet (as Linda): Well, I’d pictured, you know, flowing robes, a harp, wings, that sort of thing.
Sam (as Angel): See the thing is, no one could actually play the harp, and the robes were a bit drafty. We felt-
Janet (as Linda): Yeah, well, you felt wrong. I’ve talked to a number of my late friends about this, they feel the same way. It’s false advertising!
Sam (as Angel): Okay. I can see where you’re coming from.
Janet (as Linda): I thought we’d be living on clouds, too.
Sam (as Angel): Ah, well you see, they’re not very structurally sound, are they?
Janet (as Linda): I was promised clouds!
Sam (as Angel): You were promised paradise. We’ve worked very hard to make this the best possible experience for everyone-
Janet (as Linda): Look, I don’t think you’re listening to me. I want to speak to your manager.
Sam (as Angel): Oh, I’m afraid it’s his day off.
Janet (as Linda): Well, call him up!
Sam (as Angel): Fine. Fine, I’ll get him, hold on. [more distantly] Hey, God? You up? A lady here wants to talk, I told her it’s your day off, but…
Sam (as God): What? Oh alright. [SFX footsteps] Yes, hello, what can I do for- Oh. Linda, right? With the peach pit?
Janet (as Linda): Listen, I’m not satisfied at all with this whole heaven thing, and I’m very upset that my concerns aren’t being addressed here. I’m hoping you can-
Sam (as God): Linda, you horrid old bat, this whole place is tailor-made for your enjoyment.
Janet (as Linda): Well, there aren’t enough harps, the ground’s too solid, and frankly, you’re being very rude.
Sam (as God): Yeah, well, literally no one outranks me, so.
Sam (as Angel): This is the problem, isn’t it? She’s happiest when she’s complaining.
Janet (as Linda): Well I won’t rest until this is fixed. You people are misleading everyone.
Sam (as God): Okay listen, you want a refund?
Janet (as Linda): …A refund on the afterlife?
Sam (as God): Yeah. Happy to oblige.
Janet (as Linda): Why yes, yes I would like a refund.
Sam (as God): Great, have fun.
[Poof!, and we cut to: mournful organ music]
Janet (as Priest, sombre): My friends, we are gathered here today in fond remembrance of-
[Banging on wood, then casket creaking open; music stops; huge gasp from the mourners]
Sam (as Nephew, little kid voice): Aw man, Auntie Linda’s alive again?
[Fading out]
Janet (as Linda): Really? You went with those flowers? And this is my frumpiest old dress, great. Who can I talk to about this...
Scene: Full Body Cancer (19:56)
(Character breakdown: Patient – Todd – is a world-class, rich bro asshole; Doctor and Chief are highly serious and professional; the Car sounds like a stiff, cartoonish robot when it ‘speaks’.)
[Doctor’s office or hospital ambience – some paging and metal and shuffling in the corridor; a door opens, then closes, as Patient enters the Doctor’s office]
Janet (as Patient): Hey, Doc, good to see you again.
Sam (as Doctor): Thank you for coming back on such short notice, Todd.
Janet (as Patient): My dealership is nearby, so I’m getting my Bentley detailed while I wait.
Sam (as Doctor): Glad to hear it. Now, Todd –
Janet (as Patient): At first they were like, it won’t be ready till Monday. Amazing what a hundred dollar bill can do to expedite things.
Sam (as Doctor): Todd, the reason I called you back is I’ve got some – well, I’ve got bad news.
Janet (as Patient): Don’t tell me you passed on that stock tip, Doc?
Sam (as Doctor): Not that. Although, I’m not really an “invest-in-private-prisons” kind of guy…
Janet (as Patient): Get on that GEO, Doc, I’m tellin’ ya.
Sam (as Doctor): Todd, it’s not about money.
Janet (as Patient): Well, get to the point already, Doc. I can’t drop everything just ‘cuz you’re horny for me; seriously.
Sam (as Doctor): You’re dying, Todd. You have the first ever case of full-body cancer.
(To self:)
Really quite remarkable.
Janet (as Patient): Uh-huh, uh-huh.
[Beat]
So we’re cool then?
(Getting up:)
Great to see ya, Doc, try not to bother me for every little thing, wouldja?
Sam (as Doctor): Full-body cancer, Chad. Full body cancer. Your body is a tumour.
Janet (as Patient): I don’t think you understand –
Sam (as Doctor): I don’t think you understand, Todd. Oh, sure, you understand stock tips and fancy cars and statutory rape settlements – but this is my house, Todd: you’re dying. Soon you’ll be dead. Kaput, finito, sayonara.
[Clip of Monty Python’s “Dead Parrot” sketch: John Cleese: “…Run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible!”]
Janet (as Patient): I’ll be – dead?
Sam (as Doctor): Now, the most important thing is to get your affairs in order, and – Todd? Todd, you’re pacing Todd.
Janet (as Patient): No. Hah! No, no. No, unacceptable
Sam (as Doctor): I’m afraid there’s nothing more to be done.
Janet (as Patient): I see.
(Impatient:)
Let me speak to your manager.
Sam (as Doctor): That’s not going to accomplish –
Janet (as Patient): Your manager, let me speak to your manager.
Sam (as Doctor): Todd, listen –
Janet (as Patient, calling out): Manager! We need a manager here!
Sam (as Doctor): Fine.
Sam (as Doctor, over intercom, distorted): Paging the Chief Physician to room 3.
[Door open]
Janet (as Chief): How can I help?
Sam (as Doctor): Thanks, Brenda. So Todd here is… struggling with his prognosis.
Janet (as Patient): How much?
Janet (as Chief): I see.
Janet (as Patient): I’ve got my cheque book: How much to figure this out? One million?
Janet (as Chief): I’m afraid –
Janet (as Patient): Two million?
Janet (as Chief): It doesn’t –
Janet (as Patient): Fine, five million. Signed! Here.
Janet (as Chief): I’m afraid it doesn’t –
Janet (as Patient): You drive a hard bargain, I gotta give it to ya. Well, the Bentley dealership’s probably wondering where I am so I better get out of your hair.
Janet (as Chief): I’m afraid it doesn’t work that way, Todd. Now if your Doctor here says you’re dying, you’re dying.
[Beat]
Janet (as Patient): Ehhh! Wrong answer, numb-nuts, I’m a rich guy. Get me a second opinion!
Sam (as Doctor, resigned): Go ahead, Chief.
Janet (as Chief, inspecting): Well, I don’t see what good it could possibly –
[Beat]
(Surprised:)
Hang on!
[Beat]
Doctor, there’s been a terrible mistake!
Janet (as Patient): Finally, a negotiator!
Sam (as Doctor): But the results were clear.
Janet (as Chief): Yes and no. Doctor, your patient doesn’t have cancer. Your patient is cancer.
Janet (as Patient): Boom! Now we’re talkin’.
Sam (as Doctor): You mean – ?
Janet (as Chief, explaining): Todd and the people like him are nothing but malignancy. There is nothing here to cure. Nothing to save. Todd, it is my pleasure to tell you, you are a walking disease. And what’s more, you’re in your prime of – well, not quite life, but you know what I mean. Todd, you’re free to go.
Janet (as Patient): Metastic! See you douches later!
[Door; a beat]
Sam (as Doctor): What a turd!
Janet (as Chief): Don’t worry, Doctor. I know a guy.
[Dialing phone; ringing; other end picks up]
Janet (as Chief, into phone): Hello? Optimus Prime?
[And we cut to: driving sounds as Patient is blasting down the highway, listening to hard rock on the radio]
Janet (as Patient, singing): Driving my car, drive, drive, drive, I’m so rich, in my car, I am cancer, drive around –
[Robotic sounds of car transforming]
Sam (as Transformer Car): Citizen: Autopilot set for Earth’s sun.
[Rocket sounds as car takes flight]
Janet (as Patient, fading into the sky): What? What’s going on? Stupid Autobot, turn this car around!
[Sound of rocket-car flying away, then a distant explosion]
Blackout: Yelp Reviews from the Animal Kingdom, part 3 (23:04)
[Innocuous tango muzak in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Yelp Reviews from the Animal Kingdom.
Sam (as Worm, nasal/nerdy): As an earthworm, I was very interested to try the soil at Resting Grove Cemetary. Now don’t get me wrong, when I finally did get to dig into one of the putrescent corpses, it was divine. The eyeball meat was delicious. But the wait times? Totally unacceptable! That said, with humankind rushing headlong towards extinction, I expect ample corpses for every worm in the coming years. 3 stars.
Janet (as Fly, insectoid(?)): Bzzz! I’m a fly! Bzz! I was born six days ago, bzz! So I’m getting on in life. One of my bucket list items has always been to fly around the corner of the room going bzz, bzz. But when I did, I got all stuck in this web. Very disappointing. Ah, this must be the manager here – You there, take a note with one of your 8 arms, I’d like to make a complaint. 0 stars. Hey, quit biting me! What are ya, some kind of pervert?!
Scene: Types of Server (24:11)
(Character breakdown: Brian and Sarah sound unremarkable – like ‘ordinary’ 30-somethings; Maitre D’ is snobby; Shirley is very in-your-face with her peppiness; Chad is a distracted surfer-type bro – Keannu-like; Beth is nervous, clumsy and awkward; François and the Chef are snooty, with exaggerated French accents; Rando has a silly, dorky voice from ‘off-screen’.)
[Restaurant ambience – murmuring, plates tinkling piano – continuous in background]
Sam (as Maitre D’): Table for two, here you are, and your server will be right with you.
Sam (as Brian): Thank you.
Janet (as Sarah): Thanks!
[Chairs scraping]
Janet (as Shirley): Oh my god, hey guys! What’s up?!
Sam (as Brian): Oh, uh-do we know you?
Janet (as Shirley): I’m Shirley, I’ll be your server, can I get you guys something to drink?
Janet (as Sarah): We haven’t really had a chance to read the-
Janet (as Shirley): Sure thing, doll, can I just say I feel like you’re one of my pinot grig girls, amirite?? #winemoms!
Sam (as Brian): I’ll just have water, please.
Janet (as Shirley): Oh my god, someone’s on a diet, right? Haha you guys are the best, love you!!
[Ambiance fades out; fades back in]
Sam (as Maitre D’): Table for two, here you are, and your server will be right with you.
Sam (as Brian): Thank you.
Janet (as Sarah): Thanks!
[Chairs scraping; a beat]
Sam (as Chad): Sorry, be right with you!
[Beat]
Sam (as Brian): I wonder how the mussels are…
Janet (as Sarah): Oh, I’ve heard they’re good here.
[Beat]
Sam (as Chad): Oh my god, I forgot you guys were there. I’ll be right back!
(More distantly:)
Kenny! Where the f–[censor bee[] are my panna cottas for table 7?
Janet (as Sarah): Wow, it doesn’t seem that busy here…
Sam (as Chad): I’ll be with you in 2 seconds, just need to do everything around here… [distantly] Hey, the food’s on fire!
[Fire extinguisher]
Oh that was a flambé? My bad, dude. 
[Fire extinguisher again; ambiance fades out; fades back in]
Sam (as Maitre D’): Table for two, here you are, and your server will be right with you.
Sam (as Brian): Thank you.
Janet (as Sarah): Thanks!
[Chairs scraping]
Janet (as Beth, very stilted, as if reciting a script): Welcome to La Maison Neuve, my name is Beth, I will be your server.
Sam (as Brian): Uh, hi Beth, can we grab a drinks menu?
Janet (as Beth): Can I get you started with a drink- oh! You don’t have the menu yet. Stupid Beth, idiot!
Janet (as Sarah): It’s cool, it’s cool, uh, we’ll just get 2 waters, anyway.
Janet (as Beth): Uh, just let me write that down…
[Pen writing] 
...water…and…uh, sorry, what was the other thing?
Sam (as Brian): Another water.
Janet (as Beth): Oh that’s right. Idiot! Stupid stupid stupid!
Sam (as Brian): Seriously, don’t worry about it.
[Pouring water]
Janet (as Beth): Okay, here are your- 
[Catastrophic spilling, shattering glass]
Janet (as Beth): Oh- oh no. Whoops! Stupid, stupid Beth!
[Sounds of escalating chaos: furniture being upended, dogs barking, guns firing, explosions; and then: ambiance fades out; fades back in]
Sam (as Maitre D’): Table for two, here you are, and your server will be right with you.
Sam (as Brian): Thank you.
Janet (as Sarah): Thanks!
[Chairs scraping]
Sam (as François): Bienvenue à la Maison Neuve, je m’appelle François, et-
Janet (as Sarah): Oh, uh, sorry, we don’t speak French.
[Beat]
Sam (as François): I see. But of course. Here are your menus, if you require assistance reading them, please ask.
Sam (as Brian): Hm, how are the mussels here?
Sam (as François): I beg your pardon?
Janet (as Sarah): Are they any good?
Sam (as François): You dare to imply that we would prepare any dish that is not superlative! You would be so bold as to-
Janet (as Sarah): We just don’t like them too buttery-
Sam (as François): The very thought that our chef could prepare anything less than the very best cuisine! 
(Calling out:)
Chef Cloisson! Chef! Venez içi!
Janet (as Chef): Oui, François?
Sam (as François): These foolish anglos have had the gall to ask if our moules are “good”.
Janet (as Chef): An insult! En garde!
[Sword being drawn]
Sam (as Brian): Gak!
[Chef pants while Brian gurgles some more]
Sam (as Rando): Um, excuse me? My mussels are too buttery, could you take them-
Janet (as Chef): Have at you!
[Sword; fade out ambiance]
Blackout: Timid Customer (27:40)
[Door opens; store ambiance]
Sam (as Staff, confident): Hello there, what can I do you for?
Janet (as Customer, very timid): Um, I’d like to return this laptop, please. If, um, if it’s not too much trouble.
Sam (as Staff): You wanna return it? What’s wrong with it?
Janet (as Customer): Oh it’s just that it crashes sometimes. Only a little bit. Maybe 30 or 40 times a day. That’s all, it’s probably just me, really.
Sam (as Staff): So…you’re saying it’s broken?
Janet (as Customer): Oh no, I’ve wasted so much of your time, I’m so sorry, it’s probably all fine, what have I done.
Sam (as Staff): Uh, listen, let’s try to sort this out.
Janet (as Customer): It’s a wonderful laptop, it works so hard to satisfy my word-processing needs, how could I be so hard on it! I’m a fool and a coward!
Sam (as Staff): Look, maybe you should just go home for now, come back when you’ve calmed down.
Janet (as Customer): What home do I have now, I’m nobody, I’m nothing! I slandered the good name of this laptop, I’ve dishonoured your fine establishment! I should never have come, what was I thinking!
[She continues ad-libbed muttering to herself]
Sam (as Staff, over Customer’s lines): Okay, look, let’s see here. 
[Tap tap tap on keyboard] 
Yep, it’s broken.
Janet (as Customer): …Oh. Can I get a refund?
Sam (as Staff): Sorry, no refunds. Get out of here, loser.
Scene: Outro (28:51)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: Well, folks, did you find everything you were looking for today? Hope so, ‘cause that’s Work It fourteen in the can.
We did a clip show last week for episode 13. But now I’ve got all these number 13 jokes lying around. Eh, what the hell:
“Wow, that episode was scarier than Jason in the Saturday the 14th flicks. Well, put on your Mats Sundin jersey and queue up a nice Big Star song, and maybe your luck will change.”
Heh heh heh. Oh: @workitpod on twitter, facebook, instagram; rate and review, give us 13 stars. Byeeee!
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]