Ep. 013
Clips from a Rose
Cold Open (0:00)
(Production breakdown: the show includes ‘clips’ from Sam – they all sound as if recorded over the telephone.)
[A door opens; we hear the wold wind whipping – it’s a frozen, freezing winter outside]
Janet (fatigued): Oh my goodness, it’s miserable out there.
[The door closes, silencing the sounds; Janet takes off her heavy winter apparel]
Janet (confused): Where’s Sam? Hey, Sam? That’s not like him, he must be late.
[Beep! Beep! Beep! goes the answering machine – even though they haven’t existed for 30 years]
Janet: Oh, wait. There's an official Work It voicemail here. Let's see.
[A click of lifting the phone from the receiver – again, even though that’s not how phones have worked in 30 years; fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira – plays in the background of the voicemail]
Sam (via telephone voicemail): Hey Janet, are you stoked for episode 13? Me too, it’s going to be sooo good. So, I just had one quick note: Okay, I was thinking, you know how it’s terrible weather in Canada this week, right? Icy and cold and just – *yuck!* So that actually gave a great idea: what if I grab a last-minute flight to Malibu and you whip up some kind of Work It clip show?! 
[Music pauses]
Janet (quietly furious): What?!
[Music resumes]
Sam (via telephone voicemail): That way, everybody wins! I get to the go to the beach, listeners get a new episode – everybody wins!
[Music pauses]
Janet (crestfallen): Aw, maaaan.
[Music resumes]
Sam (via telephone voicemail): Don’t worry, though. I’ve recorded a bunch of words and phrases you can just splice up for the episode. I made them pretty generic so just use whatever clips you want, those hogs will never know.
[Music pauses]
Janet (sarcastic): Yeah sure, keep it classy, Sam...
[Music resumes]
Sam (via telephone voicemail): Anyway, have fun, see you next week!
(Aside:)
Hey, hit that beachball over here!
[Click of phone hanging up; music ends]
Janet (to self): All right, okay. Starting with episode eight, our holiday episode. Here are some not especially festive scenes from Work It's holiday party.
Sam (via clip): Wow, Janet, I can’t wait to hear that particular clip that you are referring to!
Janet (muttering): I swear to God, Sam.
Clip: Red Carpet (1:17)
(In this scene, Sam and Janet share ‘conversations’ with spliced clips from actual interviews with the celebrities mentioned.)
Janet: Hello and season’s greetings, everyone, from the red carpet of Work It’s annual holiday party! I’m Janet…
Sam: ..and I’m Sam. This year promises to bring the best festivities yet, and we’ll have complete coverage of all the revelry.
Janet: The guests are just starting to arrive now… 
[Fangirl-y screams in background] 
Oh, and here’s Jeff Weiner! Jeff! Over here, please!
Sam: Jeff Weiner, CEO of LinkedIn, thanks for coming out! I see you’re in a stunning sequined Dior gown.
Jeff Weiner: Thank you for that wonderful introduction
Janet: So Jeff, what did you ask for for Hanukkah?
Jeff Weiner: The answer is two words: more cheesesteaks.
Sam: Delicious! So what does Hanukkah mean for you?
Jeff Weiner: It’s about the teachings of the dalai lama.
Sam: Oh. Uh, that was unexpected…
Janet: What’s your Hannukah wish for those who are less fortunate than you?
Jeff Weiner: being crushed by a boulder on their chest.
Sam: What? That’s awful! What would you say if you were crushed by a boulder??
Jeff Weiner: Yahoo
Janet: And what would you do if you were crushed by a boulder?
Jeff Weiner: Fart
Sam: Okay, I know you’re eager to join the party, but we have one more question.
Janet: We’re thinking of branching out into yogurt-making. Do you have any advice for us?
Jeff Weiner: Create the right culture, and you create competitive advantage.
Sam: Brilliant, thanks so much, Jeff.
Janet: And just in time, here comes HuffPo co-founder Arianna Huffington. Arianna! Can we ask you a few questions? How are you feeling now that the holidays are almost over?
Arianna Huffington: Exhausted, burnt out
Sam: Oh that’s too bad! Was Christmas a success, at least? How do you measure Christmas success, anyway?
Arianna Huffington: I was not successful if I was lying in a pool of blood.
Janet: That makes sense. Who did you have to buy gifts for this year?
Arianna Huffington: The obnoxious roommate living in my head
Sam: Oh I know that guy. And what did you ask for for Christmas?
Arianna Huffington: Money and power
Janet: Wow, I think you have enough of that stuff already.
Sam: Maybe you could think about regifting?
Janet: Well Arianna, I’ve gotta ask. Who are you hoping to meet under the mistletoe tonight?
Arianna Huffington: Probably everybody in this room.
Sam: Hey same here! Last question for you, Arianna: How can I have a great career like yours?
Arianna Huffington: Sleep your way to the top.
Janet: Believe me, I’m trying.
[And we cut back to:]
Link (3:25)
[Brief clip of ‘Bongo Madness’ in the background]
Sam (via clip): Sooo funny!
Janet: Seriously?
Clip: Work It Saloon (3:29)
(Character breakdown: All the characters in the ‘world’ of Work It Saloon are parodies of Red Dead Redemption 2: the bartender is grizzly; Jenny is a keen girl from town; the O’Driscolls have over-the-top (and bad) Irish accents.)
Janet: I need another drink. I think I’ll pop over to the bar area.
Sam: Oh, you mean Work It Saloon?
Janet: Is that still a thing here?
Sam: You know it. It’s not enough for the company to give out free drinks, it’s got to be cute and fun
Janet: So Work It Saloon.
Sam: Yuppers.
Janet: Well then, pardner, I guess I’m grabbing a pint from Work It Saloon. Want anything?
Sam: I’m good, I brought my flask. You want any? Flask and ye shall receive.
Janet (saying the words): Audible groan.
Sam: Suit yourself. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
[Footsteps of Sam and Janet walking towards saloon; volume of ambient conversation increases]
Janet: Ah, here’s the open bar. I mean “Work It Saloon”.
[Old-timey honky tonk piano “Maple Leaf Rag” in background, alternating with “Jazz Me Blues”; saloon doors swing open; cowboy boot footsteps as Janet enters the saloon; ambient barroom chatter in background.]
Sam (as Barkeep): Howdy there, miss, and welcome to Work It Saloon, the best darn suds in the county.
Janet: Oh, wow, the Widget Media Party Planners really went all out….
Sam (as Barkeep): I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout that, but we try n’ run a classy operation here, iffin’ that’s what you mean. Now what can I do ya for?
Janet: Ooh, do you have any hoppy IPAs?
Sam (as Barkeep): No, ma’am, I don’t reckon we do. I could do ya a Budweiser.
Janet: Fine.
[Saloon doors slam open]
Janet (as Jenny, breathless): The O’Driscoll boys is starting they own podcast! They’s fixin’ to run Work It out of town.
Sam (as Barkeep): Well, where they at, Jenny?
Janet (as Jenny): I seen ‘em down at Podcast Gulch, talkin’ to them city folk from the Johns podcast.
Sam (as Barkeep): That show where them dimwit speechwriters give tedious, élitist analysis and misappropriate popular unrest?
Janet (as Jenny): The very same!
Sam (as Barkeep): Well, grab yer rifles and saddle up. You in or out, Miss Janet?
Janet: Sorry?
Sam (as Barkeep): Tell me, Miss Janet. What’s the best thing about yer little Work It programme?
Janet: It’s fun. And funny. And we can do what we want.
Sam (as Barkeep): God’s honest truth, ma’am. Now, how’d you like it folks start comin’ round here, spreading their middle-of-the-road content to the oinking yuppie dullards?
Janet (piecing it together): You’re asking what I’d do if Work It were confronted by a bunch o’ yella-bellied…
Sam (as Barkeep): Yeah.
Janet: Lily-livered…
Janet (as Jenny): Yup.
Janet: …Mealy-mouthed nerds?
Sam (as Barkeep): Yes, ma’am.
Janet (serious): Let’s ride.
Sam (as Barkeep): Yee-haw!
[Guns being loaded (chk-chk), horses galloping, nice spaghetti western music (“Horses to Water” on YouTube). The horses coming to a stop, neighing, and we cut to: night-time noises – wind, crickets]
Sam (as Barkeep): Hitch your horses by the oak there.
Janet: Comin’.
Sam (as Barkeep): See ‘em there? Just over yonder?
Janet: Looks like they got a bootleg supply of Yeti microphones.
Sam (as Barkeep): Even iffin’ they fence most of them, they only need a couple to do some major damage.
Janet: Let's listen and see what they're saying...
Sam (as O’Driscoll Guy): Good work, laddies, good work t’all o’ ye.
Janet (as O’Driscoll Gal): We’s proud o’ ye, Seamus.
Sam (as O’Driscoll Guy): Now’s for dis first program, I’s t’inkin we could discuss the liberal case for border security.
Janet (as O’Driscoll Gal): Dat sounds a mighty fine podcast, Seamus. Da folks’ll love it!
Sam (as O’Driscoll Guy): Soon, Work It will be no more!
Janet (as O’Driscoll Gal): And 3-2-1, we’re rolling.
[Brief podcast theme]
Sam (as O’Driscoll Guy): Top o’ the morning, and welcome to Pod Bless the O’Driscolls. Folks, I wanna tells ye about Squarespace…
[We cut back to:]
Janet: Oh no, they’re live!
Sam (as Barkeep): We’ve got to move now!
Janet (shouting): Hey, O’Driscolls! This town ain’t big enough for both our shows!
Sam (as O’Driscoll Guy): Oh no, it’s the Work It clan!
Janet (as O’Driscoll Gal): Wipe ‘em out, Seamus! Podcast glory will be yours!
Janet: Eat let, pod-trash!
[A big shootout as Janet unloads hell on these interlopers]
Janet (laughing evilly): This here is Work It turf!
Sam (as Barkeep): Okay, okay, Ms. Janet. They’re all dead.
Janet (panting): Yes, yes, they are.
(Catching breath:)
Let’s burn this place to the ground. And post their heads out front. Send a message to the other podcasters.
Sam (as Barkeep): Good lord. Alright, fellers, do what the lady says.
[Sounds of rushing around – footsteps, clatter – followed by a big bonfire]
Janet: Alright, boys, you done good. Let’s get back to the party.
Sam (as Barkeep): Yes ma’am, Ms. Janet.
[Galloping, spaghetti western music; as it fades out, we fade in dinner party ambience again]
Janet: Well, Barkeep, I think we did good. Drove off the pod-poachers and protected our turf.
Sam (as Barkeep): Yes, ma’am.
Janet: Now give me a drink.
Sam (as Barkeep): Whatever you say, Ms. Janet. Just please don’t hurt me.
Janet: Keep ‘em coming and we won’t have a problem.
[Saloon doors swing open, footsteps enter]
Sam: There you are. The party’s really kicking into high gear. Ya know, I love that we can do Work It podcast without people messing with us.
Janet: All in a day’s work for “Mad Dog” Mowat, the Rootinest Tootinest Podcaster in the North.
Sam: Huh? Anyways, let’s see what else is going on.
[Cowboy boot footsteps fade out; and we cut back to:]
Link (7:25)
[Brief clip of ‘Bongo Madness’ in the background]
Janet: We got a fresh start after the holiday party and welcomed the new year with an episode about innovation.
Sam (via clip): I remember that episode, it was the one with amusing sketches in it!
Clip: Work It Innovates (7:39)
Janet: Well folks, it wouldn’t be a show about innovation if we didn’t try our hands at innovating the show itself.
Sam: That was really well put, Janet.
Janet: Thanks, Sam. You’re so kind.
Sam: We figured, who better to advise us on this journey to a better Us than Richard Branson of the Virgin business empire.
Janet: Branson wrote 5 tips on how to innovate in business, and we’re going to apply these ideas to Work It. Are you excited, Sam?
Sam: I’m beside myself, Janet! Tip one: Hone in on the problem. That should be easy enough.
Janet: Sure. I mean, we both have bad habits we could improve, I guess.
Sam: I’ve been meaning to bring something up, actually. I notice you’ve been leaving your writing till the last minute every week. Maybe something to work on?
Janet: Oh, huh, I hadn’t noticed, since you always finish your stuff after me. I guess you just waste too much time in the writing process?
Sam: That’s weird, I’m pretty sure I work my butt off to create quality material every week.
Janet: Okay, wow, we’re both gaining new insights I guess.
Sam: Hah. Yeah. Branson’s tips are working already!
Janet: Speaking of which, tip 2: surround yourself with passionate people.
Sam: Hm. Maybe that means we should be branching out the Work It family?
Janet: Good idea. You’re so low-key, I have a hard time balancing it out with my own enthusiasm.
Sam: Wait, you’re the one who texts every single week to ask if we can just air a re-run.
Janet: The people love classic Work It, Sam! I’m passionate about pleasing our audience!
Sam: Okay okay, let’s cool off a bit. Branson’s next tip is a good one: embrace diverse thought.
Janet (bitterly): Oh there’s a novel idea for you.
Sam: What do you mean??
Janet: Oh nothing, it’s just that I think you’d respect my opinion more if I was a man.
Sam: What makes you say that? And how come you respond to every sketch I write with “that’s just what a man would say”?
Janet: That’s just what a man would say!
Sam: You’re being hysterical! And fat.
Janet: Oh yeah? Tip 4: listen to everyone’s ideas? Here’s an idea: shut your stupid face.
Sam: I’ve got one for you: go boil your head!
Janet: I’d tell you to do the same, but I can’t tell your head apart from your butt!
Sam: Tip 5, loser: simplify the idea. I know just how to make this simpler: you’re fired!
Janet: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Sam: Good!
[Door slam]
[A beat]
[Door open]
Janet: By the way, what’s next week’s theme again?
Sam: Uh, entrepreneurship, I think.
Janet: Cool. I’ll start writing that later.
Sam: [under his breath] Hopeless.
Janet: Huh?
Sam: Nothing! Have fun!
[Door close; and we cut back to:]
Link (9:56)
[Brief clip of ‘Bongo Madness’ in the background]
Sam (via clip): The jokes in this next scene are so funny. Especially the third one!
Clip: The Impact of Innovation (10:01)
(Character breakdown: the Voiceover is echo-y and reverb-y; the pizza Delivery Gal is a generic millennial; the pizza place Boss is gruff and pushy; the Car is stiff and robotic; the sanitation workers sound like gruff New Yorkers; the bank Teller is helpful and bland; the psychiatrist Patient sounds depressed and desperate; PsychiaBot is yet another stilted robot voice.)
Sam (as Voiceover): The impacts of automation. Pizza delivery.
[Ambient street background noises]
Janet (as Delivery Gal): Guess I better get this pizza delivered.
Sam (as Boss): Take the self-driving car. We’re going fully automated.
Janet (as Delivery Gal): Cool.
[Car door opening, car starting, revving and driving]
Janet (as Delivery Gal): Guess I just kick back then…
Sam (as Car): Citizen! Earth is in danger from the evil Decepticons!
Janet (as Delivery Gal, sarcastic): Oh great, they got us Autobots. I told them to spring for the Teslas…
Sam (as Car): Citizen, grab your energon cannon. Ramjet was seen delivering Vietnamese take-out to a local frat house.
Janet (as Delivery Gal): Fine. Let’s roll out. But make it quick, we’ve only got 28 minutes now.
[We cut back to:]
Sam (as Voiceover): Sanitation.
[Garbage truck driving ambience; continuous sounds of garbage being ‘slopped’ onto pile]
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1): What do you think of the innovations to our profession?
Janet (as Sanitation Worker 2): I think they’re pretty cool. I mean, in terms of sustainability it’s nice to see the garbage being re-used.
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1): Totally. Okay, looks like the truck is full.
Janet (as Sanitation Worker 2): Is the suction pipe attached?
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1): Yup.
Janet (as Sanitation Worker 2): And the nozzle?
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1): Uh-huh.
Janet (as Sanitation Worker 2): Cool. Hit the music.
[Ice-cream truck music and driving]
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1, calling): Garbage cones! Get your garbage cones!
Janet (as Sanitation Worker 2): Vanilla, chocolate, and organic waste! Try the sprinkles!
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1): They’re made of candied filth!
[We cut back to:]
Sam (as Voiceover): Banker.
[Bank ambience in background]
Sam (as Teller): Welcome to Work It of America of Canada, how can I help you today?
Janet (as Customer): I’d like to check my investments if you don’t mind.
Sam (as Teller): No problem: take a look, they’re doing fabulous.
Janet (as Customer): Oh, fantastic!
Sam (as Teller): See, we’re trying an innovative approach where we no longer torpedo the economy and usher in a period of insolvency and foreclosures.
Janet (as Customer): Wow, how bold.
Sam (as Teller): It began by holding our leadership accountable for irresponsibly and repeatedly breaking the law.
Janet (as Customer): Yes, I noticed them hanging out front. And I said to myself, “How innovative.”
Sam (as Teller): Get this. We’re no longer bankrolling pipelines through indigenous land.
Janet (as Customer): The mind boggles at this innovative approach to banking.
Sam (as Teller): Yes, well… If we hadn’t innovated like this? People would have butchered us en masse.
Janet (as Customer): Darn tootin’!
[And we cut back to:]
Link (11:57)
[Brief clip of ‘Bongo Madness’ in the background]
Sam (via clip): It’s even better than I remembered!
Janet: Following our episode on innovation, we turned to entrepreneurs for episode 10. If there's one thing we know about it's how to build an empire out of nothing. 
[Bonfire sounds]
Janet: I hope CFMU doesn't mind me burning their records for heat…
Clip: Types of ’Preneurs (12:11)
Sam: The word ‘entrepreneur’ comes from French roots entre and prendre, “to take between” or, indeed, “to undertake”.
Janet: So, if you think about it, the greatest entrepreneur is probably someone like WWE Superstar The Undertaker – etymologically.
Sam: People sometimes talk about solopreneurs and even intrapreneurs. All this got us thinking: what are all the other, less talked about types of preneurs?
Janet: Gee, Sam. That sounds like a sketch idea.
Sam: Oh wow, I guess it does.
Sam (as Voiceover): Types of Preneurs.
[Beat]
Outer-preneur.
[Knocking on door; suburban ambiance – including dog barking, continuous – in background]
Janet (as Outer, muffled, as if from ‘outside’): Hello?
[Knock knock knock!]
Janet (as Outer, muffled): Anybody home?
[A beat]
I’ll just do my pitch from out here, I guess. “We live in a changing world…”
Sam (as Voiceover): Sideways-preneur.
[Office ambiance in background]
Sam (as Sideways): …I know my pitch sounds a little risky, a little speculative, but I need you investors to trust me. If only I could look you in the eyes! But I am, as you know, facing sideways.
Sam (as Voiceover): Upside-down-preneur.
Janet (as Upside-Down): Well, folks, before I start my pitch, let me just get up in a headstand and…
[Grunting in exertion –hngh!]
(Laboured:)
There! So, as the chart on this first slide illustrates – whoa!
[Falling, crashing, clatter]
Sam (as Voiceover): Extra-preneur.
Sam (as Extra): Hey, how’s it going? Epic t-shirt. Amazing! I love meeting new people, I’m sort of an extrovert, extrapreneur – Tony Robbins is god, right? My pitch? Check it out: It’s LinkedIn on steroids – wait for it! – on steroids. Boom! Pass me my Muscle Milk.
(Drinking; reverting to infancy:)
Glug, glug, glug Mmm, I love my milk. Slurp, slurp, mmm, yummy milk! I wish I could drink it all!
Sam (as Voiceover): Entrée-preneur
[Restaurant ambiance in background]
Janet (as Entrée, cheesy French accent): Madames et monsieurs, je vous présente: le quiche downloadable!
Sam (as Voiceover): JesseVentura-preneur
[Wrestling show ambiance in background]
Sam (as Jesse, bad wrestler impersonation): Listen up, Hulkster, and listen good. When I get through with you at WrestleMania, you’ll be begging to invest in my latest startup!
Janet (as Mean Gene): And what is this startup, Body?
Sam (as Jesse): Well, Mean Gene, it’s Foodora but just for pie.
Janet (as Mean Gene): Fantastic, Body, well…
Sam (as Jesse): Maybe cake.
Janet (as Mean Gene): Great work.
Sam (as Jesse): Still ironing out the kinks.
Sam (as Voiceover): Cilantro-preneur.
Janet (as Cilantro): What if. Guacamole. Was bad.
[Record scratch]
Sam: Cilantro is actually good, that was just a joke for the normies and whitey lame-os.
Janet: Eat sh–[censor beep]t, moon doggie!
SFX of music resuming.
Sam (as Voiceover): Contra-preneur.
[Office ambiance in background]
Sam (as Contra): Sometimes in business, you need to take two steps up, two steps down, left, right, left, right – well, I think you get the idea.
Sam (as Voiceover): Ganja-preneur.
[Psychedelic sitar music in background]
Janet (as Ganja, a bad hippie impression): Hey, man, it’s like, Pinterest but like for tye-dye.
Sam (as Voiceover): Sinatra-preneur
[Sinatra-style showy music with lots of horns in background]
Sam (as Sinatra, talk-singing): Let’s go to sunny Acapulco /
My swinging señorita and me /
What about an app that’s Airbnb for garages? /
Mexico, here I come!
Sam (as Voiceover): Double entendre-preneur
[Office ambiance in background]
Janet (as Double): So this is a service that really gets it done in the bush, heh heh heh. No but seriously, it’s Fiverr for lawn care.
Sam (as Voiceover): Honda-preneur.
[Stock audio of a car horn, intercut with a pulled clip from a Japanese-language Honda presentation; and we cut back to:]
Link (15:25)
[Brief clip of ‘Bongo Madness’ in the background]
Sam (via clip): Here’s just a list of words that might come in handy: capitalism, socialism, job, jobs, working…
[Fade out and cut to:]
Clip: MLM (15:32)
(Character breakdown: Linda and Spencer are sleazy salespeople, at least at first – false sincerity and shit-eating grins; Dr. Mesmer has an over-the-top German accent.)
[Exciting, game show-y music to hype up an audience of rubes; audience applause]
Sam (as Announcer): And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the faces of CanWay, Spencer and Linda!!
[Bigger audience applause]
Sam and Janet (as Spencer and Linda, ad libbing): Hey! How's it going? What's up guys?
[Music fades]
Janet (as Linda): Hey Spencer, what are all these incredible people doing here?
Sam (as Spencer): I dunno Linda, do you think they wanna hear about how they can make a 6-figure income with their very own business??
[Cheers from audience]
Janet (as Linda): Are you sure??
[Cheers from audience]
Sam (as Spencer): Haha well okay then. Strap in, folks, cause we're about to change your life.
Janet (as Linda): Here at CanWay, you get to earn real cash –
Sam (as Spencer): As much as 6 figures!
Janet (as Linda): All you have to do is recruit all your friends into the business, too!
Sam (as Spencer): Say Linda, that sounds an awful lot like a pyramid scheme.
[Boos]
Janet (as Linda): Well Spencer, do I look like a pharaoh to you?
[Audience cheers]
Sam (as Spencer, sincere for a moment): Well no, but that's really not a good argument-
Janet (as Linda): Just say the line, Spencer.
Sam (as Spencer): Sorry. Pharaoh enough, Linda!
Janet (as Linda): A pyramid scheme doesn’t sell anything, it just recruits people. Does that sound like us?
Sam (as Spencer): Yeah, great point, Linda. Why don’t you tell the folks about our amazing products?
Janet (as Linda): You bet, Spencer. Who here gets bad breath sometimes?
[Cheers]
Sam (as Spencer): I sure do!
Janet (as Linda): Well, get ready to have your minds blown. When you become a franchise owner with CanWay, you’ll start selling an incredible product guaranteed to mask even the worst halitosis: mints!
[Oohs and aahs]
Sam (as Spencer): Huh.
Janet (as Linda): That’s right, Spencer, I’m speechless too.
Sam (as Spencer): How much are these mints, again?
Janet (as Linda): Our special starter kit of 10 mints costs only $199.99. Premium members get a bonus spearmint! Try one, Spencer!
Sam (as Spencer): Yeah, that’s not bad…
Janet (as Linda): Hey folks, who here has friends?
[Audience cheers]
Sam (as Spencer): And don't you want to share this exciting opportunity with your friends??
Janet (as Linda): And then profit off of them when they join?
[Audience cheers]
Sam (as Spencer, sincere): We could probably make that sound a bit less bloodthirsty, you know?
Janet (as Linda, agitated): I swear to god, Spencer, stick to the script.
Sam (as Spencer): Yeah, but, the next part of the script is where we teach them how to trick their friends into attending these events against their will…
Janet (as Linda): Spencer! Look at me! Stop!
Sam (as Spencer): That’s just a recipe to lose all your friends…
Janet (as Linda): Spencer, say the trigger words with me: 6-figure income! 6-figure income!
Sam (as Spencer):  No, it’s- it’s almost as if this is a big scam-
Janet (as Linda): The trigger words aren’t working! The effect is wearing off! Get the doctor in here!
Sam (as Spencer): No one’s ever made 6 figures from this…It’s like they’re exploiting a bunch of suckers…
Janet (as Linda): Dr Mesmer, at last!
Sam (as Dr Mesmer): Spencer. On ze count of sree, I vill say ze vords ‘6 figure income’. You vill cooperate immediately.
Sam (as Spencer): No…No! I want to be free at last from the shackles of–
Sam (as Dr Mesmer): Von, too, sree! 6 figure income!
[A beat]
Sam (as Spencer, slimy again): Hey folks! Who here wants to learn about an exciting opportunity to make a 6-figure income! Pharaoh enough. Whaddaya say, Linda?
Janet (as Linda, now she’s sincere): Wait…it…it kind of is all about tricking your friends…I think…maybe it is a pyramid-
Sam (as Spencer): Code red code red she’s gonna say it!
[Boots, machine gun; a beat]
Sam (as Spencer): So, how you feeling tonight, folks? Ready to make some money??
[Audience cheers; and we cut back to:]
Link (18:08)
[Brief clip of ‘Bongo Madness’ in the background]
Janet: Weren’t those enjoyable, Sam?
Sam (via clip, off-mic): Here’s just a list of words that might come in handy: capitalism, socialism, job, jobs, working…
Janet: Yep… Anyway, in episode 11, we took a bit of a left turn and talked about influencers. 
Sam (via clip, off-mic): Sure! I'd love another Corona. 
Janet (seething): I swear to God, Sam.
Clip: Great Influencers in History, part 1 (18:24)
Janet (as Voiceover):Great influencers in history. Clarence Deeley, Gladberg, Illinois, 1883.
[Outdoors ambience, crowd murmuring]
Sam (as Deeley): Step right up folks, and come experience this magical mystical medicinal miracle all the way from the far east. I present Dr Lee’s Cure-All Concoction!
[Oooh from the crowd]
Sam (as Deeley): That’s right, friends! Here’s my top 13 tips to living your best life with Dr Lee’s help! This is sponsored content, but I truly believe in-
Janet (as Heckler): Hey, you’re the same guy who told us about some other miracle cure last year!
Sam (as Deeley): Well my friend, I can’t deny it, we all make mistakes.
Janet (as Heckler): That dastardly ointment broke me out in hives! And when I tried to retrieve my payment, you sent me a daguerreotype of your hindquarters!
Sam (as Deeley): What can I say, I’m constantly learning and growing-
Janet (as Heckler): And then you sent your hangers-on to harrass me!
Sam (as Deeley): Why you’re nothing but a hater!
Janet (as Heckler): And you, sir, are no influencer at all, but a scallywag!
[Jeers and boos from the crowd]
Sam (as Deeley): Friends, after much consideration, I’ve decided to step away from my platform for a while. #selfcare #loggingoff.
[Splats, thuds]
Sam (as Deeley): Ow, hey, no bricks!
Clip: Bad Influence (19:31)
(Character breakdown: Mom is slightly conservative and over-bearing; Son is maybe an adolescent – trying to be aloof and all that pubescent stuff; other characters are self-explanatory from their names.)
[The ambient sounds of YouTube videos coming from a computer]
Janet (as Mom): Hey, sweetie, what are you watching?
Sam (as Son): Just some YouTube videos. Like, unboxing videos, Let’s Plays, toy reviews, vlogs – stuff like that.
Janet (as Mom): Oh, these must be those “influencers” I was reading about.
Sam (as Son): I dunno, I just like them.
Janet (as Mom): Well, just so long as they’re not a “bad influence”, ha ha.
Sam (as Son): Don’t worry, they’re not. Here, watch.
[Jaunty, playful kid-friendly hip-hop music in background]
Sam (as Unboxer): We’re here to unbox a really cool new product. Let’s open it up and see what’s inside. Sweet, it’s a gun!
[Ch-chk! of the gun being cocked]
Janet (as Mom): Uh, sweetie…
Sam (as Son): Shh, this is the best part.
Sam (as Unboxer): Guns can be used to shoot people you don’t like. It’s fun!
Janet (as Mom): Change the video!
Sam (as Son): Ugh, fine.
[Peppy children’s music in the background]
Sam (as Reviewer): Hi, my name is Billy, and I review toys. Are you my friend?
Janet (as Mom): This is better.
Sam (as Reviewer): Today’s toy is cocaine. You can smoke it or put it in your nose. Hooray!
Sam (as Son): Well?
Janet (as Mom): Next!
[Chiptune video game music in background]
Sam (as Nerdy Streamer): Today’s game stream is Minecraft.
Janet (as Mom): That’s better.
Sam (as Nerdy Streamer): Did I say Minecraft? I meant Mein Kampf.
Janet (as Mom): Next!
[Heavy metal in background]
Janet (as Perky Vlogger): Cigarettes are cool!
Janet (as Mom): Next!
[Porno funk in background]
Sam (as Sleazy Vlogger): Have unprotected sex!
Janet (as Mom): Next!
[Jaunty rock song in background]
Janet (as Educational Vlogger): Never drive sober!
Janet (as Mom): And we’re done.
[Whrrr of computer turning off]
Sam (as Son): Gee, mom, I guess you were right. I guess these influencers were nothing but a bunch of bad influences.
Janet (as Mom): Well, I hope you've learned your lesson. Now, help mommy set up for her cam shoot, there's a good boy.
Sam (as Son, acquiescing): Fine. You want me to point the camera at your feet again?
Janet (as Mom): I just got a pedicure!
[And we cut back to:]
Link (21:02)
[Brief clip of ‘Bongo Madness’ in the background]
Sam (via clip): 12 years till ecological collapse, Janet. Why do you ask?
Janet (baffled): What?
Clip: Great Influencers in History, part 2 (21:07)
(Character breakdown: Zorlax sounds like some kind of insect overlord – buzzy, reverberated…)
Janet (as Voiceover):Great influencers of the future. Zorlax the Profound, Terran orbiter 7, the year 2163.
[Lasers, bloops, a rocket ship]
Sam (as Zorlax): Citizens of Planet Earth! Bow before your new ruler!
[Uncertain murmurs in crowd]
Sam (as Zorlax): You will obey my every command, or face extermination!
[Gasps; lasers]
Sam (as Zorlax): Henceforth, humanity will know only Zorlax! We shall begin with earthling habitats.
[Screams, lasers, rocket ships]
Sam (as Zorlax): Heed me! Stick to off-white for your walls, with the occasional fun pop of colour!
[Boots marching; lasers intensify; panic from the masses]
Sam (as Zorlax): For a touch of whimsy, string fairy lights up in a cosy reading nook! 
[Fade out; and we cut back to:]
Link (21:48)
[Brief clip of ‘Bongo Madness’ in the background]
Janet: How does Work It work so well? A solid foundation of teamwork. Especially when half the team runs off to Florida for the week.
Sam (via clip): Whatever you just said, I agree.
Janet: Sigh. Our most recent episode was about team building. Maybe you could learn a thing or two, Sam?
Sam (via clip): Yes, Janet.
Clip: Startup Tag (22:14)
(Character breakdown: Kid One and Two are, I dunno, Bart Simpson types maybe? About 10, energetic, rambunctious – normal kids; Rick and Patty both sound extremely geeky; Denny is just kind of stupid; the famous startup founders are portrayed by clips of them pulled from actual interviews.)
[School-bell – it’s recess! Sounds of kids pouring out – fast crowd footsteps; ambient noise of screaming and playing and chatting]
Janet (as Kid Two): Recess!
Sam (as Kid One): What do you want to play?
Janet (as Kid Two): Touch football!
Sam (as Kid One): Dodgeball!
Janet (as Kid Two): I know what we should play:
Sam (as Kid One) and Janet (as Kid Two): Startup tag!
[Kids cheering]
Sam (as Kid One): Okay, let’s pick teams. For my first pick I choose… jeez, slim pickings… okay, I choose Nose-Pick Rick.
Sam (as Rick): Excelsior!
Janet (as Kid Two): I choose… hey aren’t you Snap founder Evan Spiegel?
Evan: I think one of the really unique things we've done in our ecosystem is really protect the friend-graph.
Janet (as Kid Two): Evan Spiegel!
Sam (as Kid One): No problem, no problem. I pick, uh…. Pee-Pants Patty.
Janet (as Patty): Stupendous! Magnificent!
Sam (as Kid One): just go stand with Rick, Patty.
Janet (as Kid Two): good pick up, okay I choose…
Sam (as Kid One): Stop picking your nose, Rick. Make me look bad, damn.
Janet (as Kid Two): Oh, wow Bumble founder Whitney Wolfe, what are you doing at our school?
Whitney: We have launched a business vertical within for opportunities: swiping for opportunities, swiping to network.
Janet (as Kid Two): welcome aboard!
Sam (as Kid One): Oh man, only two picks left. Let me think… Oh this one’s easy. I pick Dog Doo Denny.
Sam (as Denny): I eat dog doo!
Janet (as Kid Two): No fair!
Sam (as Kid One): Nuh-uh!
Janet (as Kid Two): You’re gonna win for sure!
Sam (as Kid One): Tough!
Janet (as Kid Two): Ugh, fine. I guess you’re on my team Elizabeth Holmes.
Elizabeth: First, they think you're crazy. Then they fight you. And then, all of a sudden, you change the world.
Janet (as Kid Two): Just stay off to the side, wouldja?
Sam (as Kid One): Ready - set - Seed round!
[Whistle, sound of kids playing; and we cut back to:]
Link (23:34)
[Brief clip of ‘Bongo Madness’ in the background]
Sam (via clip): Hilarious!
Clip: Terrible Boss Team-Building (23:42)
[Peppy muzak in background]
Janet: Are you a miserly, suspicious, jealous ogre of a boss?
Sam: Are you finding that your workplace culture just doesn’t reflect your monstrous principles, and your mild-mannered employees offer no entertainment value?
Janet: We all know the usual tricks to make your workers miserable - foster a culture of suspicion, and humiliation - but that’s hardly enough for the truly awful boss.
Sam: Not to worry! Here are a few tips to make sure that your team-building exercises are the worst possible.
Janet: Follow our advice, and watch morale crumble!
Sam: Tip number 1: Find something that brings the team together.
[Peppy music ends and we cut to: tense music in background]
(Character Breakdown): The Aunt character is matronly, severe and evil – like some villain from Hunger Games or some shit; Wallace is scared and pleading; it’s ritualistic, menacing vibe.)
Janet (as Aunt): Alright everyone, let’s all sit in a circle around Wallace here. There we are, and now everyone, point an accusatory finger at him. Good!
Sam (as Wallace): Please! I’ve met my goals every quarter but this one! I try so hard!
Janet (as Aunt): Who let the team down?
Sam and Janet (as Everyone, threatening): Wallace. Wallace. Wallace.
Janet (as Aunt): Good! And how shall we punish him?
Sam and Janet (as Everyone, threatening):  Fire him. Fire him. Fire him. 
Janet (as Lone Employee): Set him on fire- I mean, fire him.
Janet (as Aunt): Yes, good! You are all such quick learners!
[End tense music, and we cut back to: peppy music in background]
Janet: Wow! Building cohesion and scapegoating! All at once?
Sam: Ritualised brainwashing should be in every employer’s toolkit!
Janet: Next up, how do your workers handle stressful situations? Find out with sadistic team-building tip number 2: roleplay!
[Peppy music ends and we cut to: the sounds of alarms, screams, scrambling footsteps]
(Character breakdown: Loudspeaker is distorted and grave; the Boss is professional and energetic – she doesn’t see morality, just quarterly earnings; the Nerdy Worker is a bit of a jellyfish – sounds easy to step on.)
Sam (as Loudspeaker): Workers. This is not a drill. Report to your designated fallout shelters immediately. Repeat, this is not a drill.
[Heavy door closing; fade out sounds, then back in with door opening]
Janet (as Boss): Okay everyone, time’s up. Come on out!
Sam (as Nerdy Worker, dazed): What?…Isn’t it radioactive out there?
Janet (as Boss): Oh no no no, this was all just a fun ruse to see how well the team would work in a sticky situation.
Sam (as Nerdy Worker): How long have we been in there?
Janet (as Boss): Oh, about 5 years now. So how’d you do?
Sam (as Nerdy Worker): We…we killed and ate Jerry 7 months ago…
Janet (as Boss): Ah, weeding out the weak ones. That’s what I like to see!
[Pen writing on clipboard]
Sam (as Nerdy Worker, ruefully): I’m the only survivor…
[End tense music, and we cut back to: peppy music in background]
Sam: Wow, so telling!
Janet: You can really learn a lot about a person by crushing their entire world.
Sam: Another way to learn a lot about a person? Team-building tip number 3: get your workers to open up.
[End peppy music, and we cut to: office ambience in background]
(Character breakdown: Boss is peppey and motivating, prima facie; the Jock Worker sounds buff and hot.)
Janet (as Boss): Okay everyone, in the spirit of strengthening this team, I need everyone to work completely naked for one day.
[Clothes shuffling around]
Sam (as Jock Worker): Is this one of those ‘we’re all equal underneath it all’ lessons?
Janet (as Boss): Uh, something like that. Okay, so the shapeliest and most well-endowed among you, please step forward for your promotion. Not so fast there, Deirdre.
[End office ambience, and we cut back to: peppy music in background]
Janet: Wow, so much trust.
Sam: It’s comforting to think how well you and I would do in that scenario, eh?
Janet: Well, this brings us to our final team-building tip for the evil boss: keep things unpredictable!
[End peppy music, and we cut to: office ambience, mumbling in background]
(Character breakdown: Gruff Worker sounds like a tough, older guy; the Loudspeaker sounds soulless and mechanical.)
Sam (as Gruff Worker): This is where the team-building workshop is happening, right? Where’s the instructor?
[Door slams, locks]
Sam (as Gruff Worker): We’re trapped in here? What’s going on??
Janet (as Loudspeaker): Greetings, workers. This workshop will last 6 hours.
Sam (as Gruff Worker): Why did you lock us in? What’s going on here?
Janet (as Loudspeaker): This workshop has no free food.
[Gasps from the workers]
Sam (as Gruff Worker): What about coffee??
Janet (as Loudspeaker): There’s decaf instant coffee, with lukewarm water.
Sam (as Gruff Worker): No!!
[General lamentation]
Sam and Janet (as Workers, ad libbing): I’m so hungry! I missed breakfast! I’m hangry! Let’s kill and eat Jerry again!
[End office ambience, and we cut back to: peppy music in background]
Sam: Wow. That exercise really shows the true character of your team, doesn’t it?
Janet: It sure does, Sam. More roast Jerry?
Sam: Oh, yes please.
[Noisily eating Jerry leftovers; and we cut back to:]
Link (27:12)
[Brief clip of ‘Bongo Madness’ in the background]
Sam (via clip): What will they think of next?!
Scene: Team of Rivals (27:15)
Janet: In 2005, historian Doris Kearns Goodwin published a landmark book on the cabinet of Abraham Lincoln.
Sam: Entitled Team of Rivals, the book is a study of Presidential team building.
Janet: Much of the success of Lincoln’s presidency, it is argued, was the result of consensus-building and compromise.
Sam: But is a Team of Rivals approach always wise? Or is ideological purity sometimes preferable?
Janet: To get to the bottom of this, Work It is proud to bring you the following historical re-enactment.
Sam: Work It presents: Team of Rivals: Team-Building Lessons From the Lincoln Presidency.
[Vintage recording of American national anthem in background; the curses come fast and furious as the ‘rivals’ yell over and at each other]
Janet (as Team Member 1): Eat a d–[censor beep], Seward!
Sam (as Team Member 2): Hey, f–[beep] you, Bates!
Janet (as Team Member 1): I f–[beep] your mom, Chase!
Sam (as Team Member 3, deep voice): Hey, f–[beep] you!
Sam (as Team Member 2): Oh, you’re an idiot!
Sam (as Team Member 4, wormy voice): You f–[beep]ing moron!
Janet (as Team Member 1): Suck my d–[beep], Bates!
Sam (as Team Member 4): Hey, shut the f–[beep] up!
Sam (as Team Member 2): Eat my d–[censor beep], Seward!
Sam (as Team Member 4): Hey, scr–[beep] you, Bates!
Janet (as Team Member 1): You’re a c–[beep]!
Sam (as Team Member 2): Hey Chase, you’re a stupid idiot!
Janet (as Team Member 1): Get f–[beep]ed, Lincoln!
Sam (as Abe Lincoln): Gentlemen, gentlemen…
[Record scratch; silence; they all listen with complete attention]
Sam (as Team Member 2, respectful): Yes, Mr. President?
Sam (as Abe Lincoln, enunciating each syllable): Suck my f–[beep]ing c–[beep].
[National anthem resumes; it’s back to the gutter]
Sam (as Team Member 2): Hey, f–[beep] you, Lincoln!
Sam (as Team Member 4): You stupide d–[beep]-head!
[Fading out]
Sam (as Team Member 2): Lincoln, yer a f–[beep]er!
Sam (as Team Member 3, deep voice): Shut up!
[And we cut back to:]
Scene: Outro (28:18)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays in background, continuous – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam (via clip, aside): Sure, Sandy, I’ll lotion your back. No problem.
[Equipment powering down]
Janet: Hey, where’d the lights go? Is there a power outage? Aw, man.
Sam (via clip): Okay, Janet, so you should have everything you need to put the show together. Shouldn’t take you more than – what? – 5-10 minutes.
[Cold wind blowing, continuous]
Janet: It’s so cold.
Sam (via clip): Last thing, just put this at the end. Ready?
[Beat]
(Peppy:)
Well, folks, another episode of Work It. Was it a lot of effort for me? Sure! But was it worth it? You betcha!
Janet: I think the door’s frozen shut.
Sam (via clip): Do us a favor and repay the effort: follow us at @WorkItPod on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. 
[Knocking on door]
Janet (worried, shouting): Hey, let me out!
Sam (via clip): Please rate and review the podcast on your podcast app of choice. Your support keeps us going in the cold Canadian weather. Brrr, right Janet?
[Knocking on door]
Janet (worried, shouting): Hello? Ah, I’m stuck…
Sam (via clip): Exactly. See you next week.
Janet: Shudder. So cold… No! Focus, Janet! Keep talking.
Sam (via clip, off mic): Human pyramid?! Of supermodels?! Sure, I’ll be spotter. No, no trouble at all.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades; wind keeps blowing; not a peep from Janet...]