Ep. 012
Team-buildungsroman
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at team building, which is a bit rich coming from a duo who live and work in completely separate cities, please stay on the line.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Welcome to Work It 12, where we’re discussing team-building. And who better to tackle this subject than your friends at Work It? What do we know about team building? Well, you meet in school, hang around for about 8 years, then you get a radio show. And if that doesn’t explain team-building, friend, you’ve got bigger problems to worry about.
But seriously, if you want to learn about team-building, blast this episode at your next meeting. Then do it again, and again. Pretty soon, you’ll be rich and sexy. Trust us.
[Theme music fades out]
Scene: Terrible Boss Team-Building (1:10)
[Peppy muzak in background]
Janet: Are you a miserly, suspicious, jealous ogre of a boss?
Sam: Are you finding that your workplace culture just doesn’t reflect your monstrous principles, and your mild-mannered employees offer no entertainment value?
Janet: We all know the usual tricks to make your workers miserable - foster a culture of suspicion, and humiliation - but that’s hardly enough for the truly awful boss.
Sam: Not to worry! Here are a few tips to make sure that your team-building exercises are the worst possible.
Janet: Follow our advice, and watch morale crumble!
Sam: Tip number 1: Find something that brings the team together.
[Peppy music ends and we cut to: tense music in background]
(Character Breakdown): The Aunt character is matronly, severe and evil – like some villain from Hunger Games or some shit; Wallace is scared and pleading; it’s ritualistic, menacing vibe.)
Janet (as Aunt): Alright everyone, let’s all sit in a circle around Wallace here. There we are, and now everyone, point an accusatory finger at him. Good!
Sam (as Wallace): Please! I’ve met my goals every quarter but this one! I try so hard!
Janet (as Aunt): Who let the team down?
Sam and Janet (as Everyone, threatening): Wallace. Wallace. Wallace.
Janet (as Aunt): Good! And how shall we punish him?
Sam and Janet (as Everyone, threatening):  Fire him. Fire him. Fire him. 
Janet (as Lone Employee): Set him on fire- I mean, fire him.
Janet (as Aunt): Yes, good! You are all such quick learners!
[End tense music, and we cut back to: peppy music in background]
Janet: Wow! Building cohesion and scapegoating! All at once?
Sam: Ritualised brainwashing should be in every employer’s toolkit!
Janet: Next up, how do your workers handle stressful situations? Find out with sadistic team-building tip number 2: roleplay!
[Peppy music ends and we cut to: the sounds of alarms, screams, scrambling footsteps]
(Character breakdown: Loudspeaker is distorted and grave; the Boss is professional and energetic – she doesn’t see morality, just quarterly earnings; the Nerdy Worker is a bit of a jellyfish – sounds easy to step on.)
Sam (as Loudspeaker): Workers. This is not a drill. Report to your designated fallout shelters immediately. Repeat, this is not a drill.
[Heavy door closing; fade out sounds, then back in with door opening]
Janet (as Boss): Okay everyone, time’s up. Come on out!
Sam (as Nerdy Worker, dazed): What?…Isn’t it radioactive out there?
Janet (as Boss): Oh no no no, this was all just a fun ruse to see how well the team would work in a sticky situation.
Sam (as Nerdy Worker): How long have we been in there?
Janet (as Boss): Oh, about 5 years now. So how’d you do?
Sam (as Nerdy Worker): We…we killed and ate Jerry 7 months ago…
Janet (as Boss): Ah, weeding out the weak ones. That’s what I like to see!
[Pen writing on clipboard]
Sam (as Nerdy Worker, ruefully): I’m the only survivor…
[End tense music, and we cut back to: peppy music in background]
Sam: Wow, so telling!
Janet: You can really learn a lot about a person by crushing their entire world.
Sam: Another way to learn a lot about a person? Team-building tip number 3: get your workers to open up.
[End peppy music, and we cut to: office ambience in background]
(Character breakdown: Boss is peppey and motivating, prima facie; the Jock Worker sounds buff and hot.)
Janet (as Boss): Okay everyone, in the spirit of strengthening this team, I need everyone to work completely naked for one day.
[Clothes shuffling around]
Sam (as Jock Worker): Is this one of those ‘we’re all equal underneath it all’ lessons?
Janet (as Boss): Uh, something like that. Okay, so the shapeliest and most well-endowed among you, please step forward for your promotion. Not so fast there, Deirdre.
[End office ambience, and we cut back to: peppy music in background]
Janet: Wow, so much trust.
Sam: It’s comforting to think how well you and I would do in that scenario, eh?
Janet: Well, this brings us to our final team-building tip for the evil boss: keep things unpredictable!
[End peppy music, and we cut to: office ambience, mumbling in background]
(Character breakdown: Gruff Worker sounds like a tough, older guy; the Loudspeaker sounds soulless and mechanical.)
Sam (as Gruff Worker): This is where the team-building workshop is happening, right? Where’s the instructor?
[Door slams, locks]
Sam (as Gruff Worker): We’re trapped in here? What’s going on??
Janet (as Loudspeaker): Greetings, workers. This workshop will last 6 hours.
Sam (as Gruff Worker): Why did you lock us in? What’s going on here?
Janet (as Loudspeaker): This workshop has no free food.
[Gasps from the workers]
Sam (as Gruff Worker): What about coffee??
Janet (as Loudspeaker): There’s decaf instant coffee, with lukewarm water.
Sam (as Gruff Worker): No!!
[General lamentation]
Sam and Janet (as Workers, ad libbing): I’m so hungry! I missed breakfast! I’m hangry! Let’s kill and eat Jerry again!
[End office ambience, and we cut back to: peppy music in background]
Sam: Wow. That exercise really shows the true character of your team, doesn’t it?
Janet: It sure does, Sam. More roast Jerry?
Sam: Oh, yes please.
[Noisily eating Jerry leftovers]
Blackout: Team-Building for Misanthropes (4:43)
Janet (as Voiceover): Team-building for misanthropes.
[Propulsive 80s action/workout music in background]
Sam (as Leader, extremely peppy): Hey guys! How’s it going? Ready to build some trust? To start, I want you to hug the people sitting next to you.
[Music fades; a long pause; clock ticking in background; music fades back in]
Sam (as Leader): Well?
Janet (as Misanthrope): Let’s get him!
Sam and Janet (as All): Yeah!
[A brawl]
Blackout: Startup Tag (5:11)
(Character breakdown: Kid One and Two are, I dunno, Bart Simpson types maybe? About 10, energetic, rambunctious – normal kids; Rick and Patty both sound extremely geeky; Denny is just kind of stupid; the famous startup founders are portrayed by clips of them pulled from actual interviews.)
[School-bell – it’s recess! Sounds of kids pouring out – fast crowd footsteps; ambient noise of screaming and playing and chatting]
Janet (as Kid Two): Recess!
Sam (as Kid One): What do you want to play?
Janet (as Kid Two): Touch football!
Sam (as Kid One): Dodgeball!
Janet (as Kid Two): I know what we should play:
Sam (as Kid One) and Janet (as Kid Two): Startup tag!
[Kids cheering]
Sam (as Kid One): Okay, let’s pick teams. For my first pick I choose… jeez, slim pickings… okay, I choose Nose-Pick Rick.
Sam (as Rick): Excelsior!
Janet (as Kid Two): I choose… hey aren’t you Snap founder Evan Spiegel?
Evan: I think one of the really unique things we've done in our ecosystem is really protect the friend-graph.
Janet (as Kid Two): Evan Spiegel!
Sam (as Kid One): No problem, no problem. I pick, uh…. Pee-Pants Patty.
Janet (as Patty): Stupendous! Magnificent!
Sam (as Kid One): just go stand with Rick, Patty.
Janet (as Kid Two): good pick up, okay I choose…
Sam (as Kid One): Stop picking your nose, Rick. Make me look bad, damn.
Janet (as Kid Two): Oh, wow Bumble founder Whitney Wolfe, what are you doing at our school?
Whitney: We have launched a business vertical within for opportunities: swiping for opportunities, swiping to network.
Janet (as Kid Two): welcome aboard!
Sam (as Kid One): Oh man, only two picks left. Let me think… Oh this one’s easy. I pick Dog Doo Denny.
Sam (as Denny): I eat dog doo!
Janet (as Kid Two): No fair!
Sam (as Kid One): Nuh-uh!
Janet (as Kid Two): You’re gonna win for sure!
Sam (as Kid One): Tough!
Janet (as Kid Two): Ugh, fine. I guess you’re on my team Elizabeth Holmes.
Elizabeth: First, they think you're crazy. Then they fight you. And then, all of a sudden, you change the world.
Janet (as Kid Two): Just stay off to the side, wouldja?
Sam (as Kid One): Ready - set - Seed round!
[Whistle, sound of kids playing]
Blackout: Punk Rock Team-Building (6:35)
(Character breakdown: The are the Sex Pistols, which means: Johnny is bratty and snotty; Malcolm is pretentious and scheming; Steve is rough and working class; Sid is just a sound effect of someone spitting.)
[A punk song ending at band practice.]
Janet (as Malcolm): Brilliant! Brilliant! Now, gather round. Johnny? Put down your mic.
Sam (as Johnny): Wanker!
Janet (as Malcolm): Steve? Turn down your guitar, that’s a good boy.
Janet (as Steve): You‘s a tosser, you is!
Janet (as Malcolm): Sid. Just try not to gob on things.
Sid: [Spits]
Janet (as Malcolm): Now I assembled this band for your look. The yanks will eat it up.
Sam (as Johnny): Malcolm fancies his lucre!
Janet (as Malcolm): But if we’re going to make a go of this, we’ve got to pull together. Lads, it’s time for: punk rock team building.
[Big guitar lick]
Sam (as Voiceover): Punk rock team building!
Janet (as Steve): Oy!
Sam (as Johnny): Wanker.
Janet (as Malcolm): First up, this team-building game is called two truths and a lie. I’ll start:
My name is Malcolm, I’m a genius in punk fashion, and my mother was a goblin.
Janet (as Steve): It’s the first one, yer name is right c–[censor beep]nt!
Sam (as Johnny): Steve, that’s not his Christian name.
Janet (as Steve): Innit?
Sid: [Spits]
Janet (as Malcolm): Correct, Sid, my mother was not a goblin but a lady.
Janet (as Steve): A’right, let’s give ‘er a shot. I’m Steve, I is; I support Tottenham; and I support Arsenal.
Sam (as Johnny): Steve, you support Chelsea!
Janet (as Steve): Bloody right, I do.
[Football chant in background]
Janet (as Steve, singing): Chelsea, Chelsea, football fun!
Janet (as Malcolm): Perhaps we should try Broken Telephone.
(Whispers, to Johnny:)
Johnny: And did those feet in ancient time.
[Whispering sounds]
Sid: [Spits]
[Whispering sounds]
Janet (as Steve): The message is: I snogged the Queen. In the loo.
Sam (as Johnny): You’re right, Malcolm, this is proper good fun.
Janet (as Malcolm): What do you think, Sid?
Sid: [Spits]
Janet (as Malcolm): Well, I guess that’s all that matters.
Janet (as Steve): I love you mates.
Sam (as Johnny): Goodness me, someone’s a little eager.
Janet (as Malcolm): Johnny…
Sam (as Johnny): Oh, sod it, you know I jolly well love you lot as well. If we’re going to take on the world as a bunch of loveable scamps, with our brand of insouciant irreverence well, I’m proud to do it with you.
Janet (as Malcolm): Gentlemen! To teamwork!
Janet (as Steve): To camaraderie!
Sid: [Spits]
Sam (as Johnny): Sid’s right. Gentlemen! To punk!
Janet and Sam (as All): To punk!
Janet (as Steve): 1-2-3-4
[A punk instrumental in background, accompanied by:]
Sam (as Johnny, singing): Team-building’s fun /
I play with my friends /
We played some games /
Now we’re a team
Janet (as Steve, singing): Chelsea, Chelsea, football fun!
Sam (as Johnny, singing): Now we’re a team.
[Music fades low]
Janet (as Malcolm): Thank you, Pocket Guide to Team-Building Games.
Sam (as Pocket Guide, via Voiceover, echo-y): You’re welcome, Malcolm. Oh: welcome? Malcolm? It rhymes!
Janet and Sam (as All): Yay!
Scene: Planet Office, part 1 (9:26)
(Character breakdown: Narrator is a David Attenborough-type – a calming British documentary filmmaker and narrator; the Boss is peppy and trying to be motivating; the Drones are broken and miserable; Drone 1 is unremarkable, a bit ‘complain–y’)
[The Planet Office theme song: a brief moody, dreamy sting]
Sam (as Narrator): Welcome back to Planet Office. Today, we examine the complex social arrangements among the common office drones.
[Office ambience in background]
Sam (as Narrator): Here we find a group of office drones, gathered together by the alpha drone, their superior.
Janet (as Boss): Okay, hey guys, how we doing today?
Sam and Janet (as Drones, ad libbing): [Unenthusiastic murmurs]
Janet (as Boss): Okay great, so I’ve noticed that morale is a little bit below optimal.
Sam and Janet (as Drones, ad libbing): [Unenthusiastic murmurs]
Janet (as Boss): No no, there’s no point denying it. But you’re in luck! I’ve got a super day planned for us: get ready for some team building!
Sam and Janet (as Drones, ad libbing): [“Awwwwww man,” etc.]
Sam (as Narrator): The plaintive cry of the common office drone is an unmistakable challenge to their leader. Let’s see how she asserts her dominance.
Janet (as Boss): Haha, I know, I know, we all hate awkward icebreakers.
Sam (as Drone 1): You’re the one who gives us all those awkward icebreakers in the first place!
Sam (as Narrator): Perhaps, at last, the alpha drone will win over the goodwill of her subjects.
Janet (as Boss): Listen, we’ll all benefit from this - me included! I want us all to emerge from this workshop with a renewed sense of camaraderie.
Sam and Janet (as Drones, ad libbing): [“Fine,” “okay,” “whatever,” “let’s get this over with,” etc]
Janet (as Boss): Great. So to begin, I want everyone to pick an animal. We’ll walk around the room acting like that animal, and we have to guess what everyone is!
Sam and Janet (as Drones, ad libbing): [“Oh my god,” “oh please no,” “my 8-year-old would find this infantilising,” etc]
Sam (as Narrator): The alpha drone has made the common error of mistaking public humiliation for fun. If she retreats now, she may just salvage some credibility. Let’s see what she does.
Janet (as Boss): Come on, you guys, haven’t you ever heard of fun before? Let’s go, up and at’em. Come on!
Sam (as Drone 1): Sandy, we really, really don’t want to do this.
Janet (as Boss): Tell you what, I’ll go first. Uh, let’s see, an animal…
[Begins clucking like a chicken]
Janet (as Boss): What am I, guys? Can you tell?
Sam (as Drone 1): Sandy…
Sam (as Narrator): Oh dear.
Janet (as Boss, still clucking): Oh, I’ll peck at the donuts, check this out.
Sam (as Drone 1): Aw man, she’s ruining the donuts.
Sam (as Narrator): At last, another office drone rises to challenge the alpha.
Sam (as Drone 1): Sandy, stop!
[She stops]
Sam (as Narrator): A tense moment, indeed.
Sam (as Drone 1): We don’t want to do these useless activities! If we just had a supportive work environment, we’d be so much happier!
Sam and Janet (as Drones, ad libbing): [“Yeah!” “Barry’s right!” “Were you a chicken?” Etc.]
Janet (as Boss): So…you’re all agreed, and you’re all teaming up together to tell me that you don’t want to do this?
Sam (as Drone 1): Yeah. Right, everyone? We’re all in this?
Sam and Janet (as Drones, ad libbing): Yeah!
Sam (as Narrator): The alpha drone, despite this threat, seems strangely pleased…
Janet (as Boss): Well well well, guess what, guys? You just learned some teamwork, didn’t you?
Sam (as Narrator): Oh god.
Sam (as Drone 1): Uh…I guess?…
Janet (as Boss): Looks like I got my point across after all.
[Pause]
Janet (as Boss): Also, you’re all fired.
Blackout: Hockey Team-Building (12:32)
(Character breakdown: Announcer and Kelsey have the patter of sports broadcasters – to the point, clear; Conner is a jock, somewhat out-of-breath as if during an intermission interview.)
[Hockey arena ambience – skating, organ; the horn signalling the end of the period]
Sam (as Announcer): …And with the home team out to an early 3-nothing lead, our own Kelsey Kimble is in the corridor with team captain Conner O’Connor.
Janet (as Kelsey): Conner, you jumped out to an early lead and kept the pressure on all period – what’s gone right for you tonight?
Sam (as Conner): Obviously, it all comes down to team-building, Kelsey. We’ve been running team-building exercises all night and it’s paid off for us so far.
Janet (as Kelsey): Which exercises have been paying off for you personally?
Sam (as Conner): Obviously, we did Two Truths and a Lie. Coach said, “We’re going to go out there, we’re going to grind it out, and my name is Bigfoot.”
Janet (as Kelsey): Which was a lie, correct?
Sam (as Conner): Obviously, Coach’s name isn’t Bigfoot, so we had no choice but to go out there and grind it out. So that’s really worked out for us.
Janet (as Kelsey): I understand you also had some success with a game of scavenger hunt.
Sam (as Conner): That’s right, Kelsey. Coach gave us a list of items to find during tonight’s game: goals, assists, more goals, that sort of thing. Obviously, we’re all competitive people, so I’m really hoping to win the scavenger hunt.
Janet (as Kelsey): And the hockey game?
Sam (as Conner): Winning the hockey game is on the checklist, yes. So I’d love to check that off. If checking that off helps us win the hockey game, that’s a big positive for us.
Janet (as Kelsey): Now there was some controversy with one of your team-building activities. How do you respond?
Sam (as Conner): Obviously, when a rookie joins the team, hazing is an important part of team-building. So forcing him to subsist on bodily fluids has been huge for us.
Janet (as Kelsey): And the fact that he died of sepsis?
Sam (as Conner): Obviously, a team has ups and downs and it’s all about how we bounce back.
Janet (as Kelsey): Thanks, Conner.
Sam (as Conner): Thanks.
Sam (as Announcer): Speaking of sepsis, stay tuned for a new Air Farce after tonight’s game.
Blackout: Parliament (13:52)
[Agitated parliamentary ambience – shouting, general turmoil]
Janet (as Speaker): Order! Order!
[Gavel banging; shouting stops]
Janet (as Speaker): Honourable Members of Parliament, as speaker of the house, I have decided that the only way to resolve the differences among us is through team-building exercises.
[Shouts]
Janet (as Speaker): Order!
[Gavel]
Janet (as Speaker): We shall take it in turns to address our colleagues with one truth and one lie about ourselves. The honourable Robert Dudley, we’ll start with you.
Sam (as Dudley): Okay Madam Speaker, well, I’m devoted to serving the people of Canada, and… I’m embroiled in a torrid love affair that would ruin my career if exposed.
Janet (as Speaker): Excellent work, Mr Dudley! What do you all think? Which was true and which was a lie?
[Shouts; fade into brief news program theme]
Janet (as News Anchor): …Over to politics, scandal in parliament as MP Robert Dudley admits to an affair. When reached for comment, Mr Dudley said, “That was a stupid game.”
Scene: Team Building Gone Wrong (14:40)
(Character breakdown: all the Bosses are unremarkable, ‘normal’ bosses – pseudo-motivational, bland.)
Sam (as Voiceover): And now, Work It presents tragic tales of Team Building Gone Wrong!
[Dramatic sting – dun dun dunnnnn! – and we cut to: background wilderness ambience, some murmuring from the crowd]
Sam (as Boss): Welcome, everyone, to the corporate retreat here in rural Ontario. Now, some people are worried about reports of bear attacks here on the campgrounds…
[A bear roaring and attacking, people screaming, continuous in background]
Sam (as Boss): As your boss, it’s my duty to keep you safe. Your well-being is my number one priority.
You're more than my workers, you’re like a family. And you know I’ll look out for you.
But enough from me. Who’s ready for our first activity?
You! The dismembered arm and mauled torso in the back, come on up.
[Bear roars]
Sam (as Boss): Not you, you’re a bear!
[A swoosh sound, signalling that we cut to: corporate picnic ambience]
Janet (as Boss): Welcome, everybody, to the company picnic! First off, is everyone enjoying catered food from our local subway?
[Cheers from the crowd]
Janet (as Boss): I should clarify, this is food found on a local subway car. Stuck to the seat mostly. Apologies for the confusion, as we did form it into the shape of submarine sandwiches. Bit misleading, come to think of it. But yeah, that’s snot and gum.
[Lots of spitting-out-of-food from the crowd]
Janet (as Boss): Who’s ready for the sack race? To clarify, when I mean sack…
[A swoosh sound, signalling that we cut to: holiday party ambience, including smooth jazz “Silent Night” and guests mingling]
Janet (as Employee One): I’m loving the Christmas party. How ‘bout you?
Sam (as Employee Two): I wish it were more non-denominational.
Janet (as Employee One): Oh, typical! War on Christmas! People like you are what’s wrong with this country.
Sam (as Employee Two): It’s not that, so much as the crucifixions.
[Sound of hammering in a large nail, as crucified person screams; a beat]
Janet (as Employee One): Really? I kinda like ‘em.
Sam (as Employee Two): Yeah, me too, let’s French!
[Sloppy kissing sounds; a swoosh sound, signalling that we cut to: office ambience]
Janet (as Boss): So, everyone, for a change of pace we’re doing a big of a lunch ’n’ learn. Who’s excited?
[Moderate applause from crowd]
Janet (as Boss): So, this is my first one of these, but I think I get the general idea. So today we’re learning about sandwiches. What is a sandwich? I –
What’s that? Lunch to eat? Oh no, we don’t have the budget for that. Where was I – a sandwich is a form of lunch, involving bread on either side of… And that’s as far as I got. So what have we learned?
[Angry crowd noises]
Janet (as Boss, dramatic/b-movie theatrical): Oh no! My employees have put a piece of bread on top of me. I mustn’t let them slip one beneath me or else – no, I can’t let it happen! Back! Back employees! Back em – no, they’ve got the second piece of bread beneath me! And now I have become the sandwich! Undone by my very own lunch ’n’ learn.
[Sounds of noisy eating – chewing, grunting]
Janet (as Boss, resigned): Wouldn’t you know it, now they’re eating me, like a common sandwich. Well, what’re ya gonna do, am I rite? Maybe if they digest me in time, I can still make my spin class after work. Alright, team, go go go!
Scene: Hell is Other People (17:15)
(Character breakdown: Boss is gruff and curt; James is a bland millennial ‘everyman’; Carla makes a ‘tsk’ every time she starts talking; Maureen is continually sniffing and snorting from bad sinuses.)
[Ambient office noise – room tone, typing; a door opens]
Sam (as Boss): Okay James, here’s your office, and here’s your team. This is Carla, and this is Maureen. Say hi, you two.
[Silence – besides the ambience]
Sam (as James): Uh, hi, I’m James.
[Silence again]
Sam (as Boss): Okay! Well, I can see you’re ready to get to work. Have a great day, folks.
[Door closes; clock ticks; a beat]
Sam (as James): So…Carla & Maureen, right? Do you guys like working here?
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. It’s hell, James.
Sam (as James): What?
Janet (as Maureen): Snort. Carla’s right.
Sam (as James): Oh come on, it can’t be that bad.
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. You don’t understand. It’s literally hell.
Sam (as James): Literally…like, actually hell?
Janet (as Maureen): Snort. Try to get out of here, James.
[Jiggling door]
Sam (as James): It’s…it’s locked! We can’t get out!
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. This is our punishment for a life of working independently.
Sam (as James): It’s a fire hazard, that’s what this is! Hey!
[Pounding on door]
Janet (as Maureen): Snort. It’s no use. We’ve been stuck here for 127 years.
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. Say, do women have the vote yet?
Sam (as James): So…I’m dead? And what kind of punishment is this, anyway? I was expecting fire and brimstone, torture and stuff.
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. Hell is other people, James.
Sam (as James): How…how so?
Janet (as Maureen): Snort. Carla here makes a tsk noise whenever she speaks. You must have noticed it by now.
Sam (as James): I guess…it’s not that bad, though.
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. Just try hearing it for the rest of eternity.
Sam (as James): What does Maureen do?
Janet (as Maureen): Snort. I have bad sinuses.
Sam (as James): So, what, you’re snotty?
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. She snorts.
[Snort]
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. Constantly.
Sam (as James): Oh gross. So…does that mean I’m your punishment, too?
Janet (as Maureen): Snort. It must.
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. We just haven’t figured out your obnoxious flaw. But that will emerge soon enough.
Sam (as James): Well, maybe I don’t have one.
Janet (as Maureen): Ha!
Sam (as James): I’ve never worked on a team before! I don’t know if I’m annoying!
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. Well anyway, we might as well get to work. Satan wants these reports by Friday.
Sam (as James): Fine.
[Clock ticking, keyboards typing, pens writing; snorts and tsks]
Sam (as James): So did you guys catch the game Sunday?
[Sounds pause]
Janet (as Maureen, distracted): Snort. Hmmmm?
Sam (as James): It was great, 56-24 for Milwaukee. You wouldn’t believe the defensive lineup.
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. Shhhh.
Sam (as James): Oh sorry.
[Sounds resume]
Sam (as James): Man, I had the best burrito the other day.
[Sounds pause]
Sam (as James): You ever been to Burrito Bonanza on Main?
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. Okay. 
[Phone dialling] 
Hi, Satan? Yeah, we really need you to make another arrangement for James.
[Maureen snorts]
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. I know- yeah I know he’s our eternal punishment, but it’s too much, man.
Sam (as James): I had the funniest text conversation the other day.
Janet (as Maureen): Snort. Oh no.
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. No, I don’t think you understand how boring he is.
Sam (as James): My friend Gary was like “do you like ducks?” And I was like, “I think they’re fowl!” Like with a W. We always joke like that.
Janet (as Maureen): Snort. Tell him we’ll take the fire and brimstone.
Janet (as Carla): Tsk. Throw us into fire, Satan, anything! Please!
[Fading out]
Sam (as James): Let me tell you about this one time I got drunk. It’s my best story. You’ll love it
Blackout: Team of Rivals (20:10)
Janet: In 2005, historian Doris Kearns Goodwin published a landmark book on the cabinet of Abraham Lincoln.
Sam: Entitled Team of Rivals, the book is a study of Presidential team building.
Janet: Much of the success of Lincoln’s presidency, it is argued, was the result of consensus-building and compromise.
Sam: But is a Team of Rivals approach always wise? Or is ideological purity sometimes preferable?
Janet: To get to the bottom of this, Work It is proud to bring you the following historical re-enactment.
Sam: Work It presents: Team of Rivals: Team-Building Lessons From the Lincoln Presidency.
[Vintage recording of American national anthem in background; the curses come fast and furious as the ‘rivals’ yell over and at each other]
Janet (as Team Member 1): Eat a d–[censor beep], Seward!
Sam (as Team Member 2): Hey, f–[beep] you, Bates!
Janet (as Team Member 1): I f–[beep] your mom, Chase!
Sam (as Team Member 3, deep voice): Hey, f–[beep] you!
Sam (as Team Member 2): Oh, you’re an idiot!
Sam (as Team Member 4, wormy voice): You f–[beep]ing moron!
Janet (as Team Member 1): Suck my d–[beep], Bates!
Sam (as Team Member 4): Hey, shut the f–[beep] up!
Sam (as Team Member 2): Eat my d–[censor beep], Seward!
Sam (as Team Member 4): Hey, scr–[beep] you, Bates!
Janet (as Team Member 1): You’re a c–[beep]!
Sam (as Team Member 2): Hey Chase, you’re a stupid idiot!
Janet (as Team Member 1): Get f–[beep]ed, Lincoln!
Sam (as Abe Lincoln): Gentlemen, gentlemen…
[Record scratch; silence; they all listen with complete attention]
Sam (as Team Member 2, respectful): Yes, Mr. President?
Sam (as Abe Lincoln, enunciating each syllable): Suck my f–[beep]ing c–[beep].
[National anthem resumes; it’s back to the gutter]
Sam (as Team Member 2): Hey, f–[beep] you, Lincoln!
Sam (as Team Member 4): You stupide d–[beep]-head!
[Fading out]
Sam (as Team Member 2): Lincoln, yer a f–[beep]er!
Sam (as Team Member 3, deep voice): Shut up!
Blackout: Fellowship (21:20)
(Character breakdown: this is a Lord of the Rings parody, so Wizard is a wizened, commanding Gandalf impersonation; Dwarf is Gimli – gruff, rowdy; Elf is Legolas – noble, refined; Human is Aragorn – heroic, inspiring; and then there’s Bernice – fussy, difficult, self-centred.)
[Cinematic, fantasy/adventure music in background]
Sam (as Wizard): My friends, we must escort our small friend to Mount Doom and fulfil our quest to save the world. Who will join me?
Sam (as Dwarf): You have my axe.
Janet (as Elf): And my bow.
Sam (as Human): And my sword.
[A beat; faintly can hear a catty lady gossiping]
Sam (as Wizard): Uh, Bernice? Do you have anything to contribute to the team here, or?…
Janet (as Bernice): Ugh, you’re still talking about that? Uh, fine, you have my…
[Rummaging through bag] 
hand sanitizer.
Sam (as Wizard): Right. Okay. Hobbit, we will protect you with our weapons, our lives, and our…personal hygiene? Come, friends, we must away!
Janet (as Bernice): Okay hold on, I need to pee.
Sam (as Wizard): Seriously? You couldn’t do that during the break? Honestly… 
[Fade out]
Scene: Biblical Team-Building (22:09)
(Character breakdown: most of the characters are unremarkable with respect to their voices – they just sound like ‘Sam’ and ‘Janet’; God is bathed in reverb, but otherwise sounds like a typical, self-interested manager type; Satan sounds weasely.)
[New age-y, vibraphone-y music in background – sounds like “Ten-Day Interval” by Tortoise if you know that tune]
Sam (as Voiceover): The story of Job.
Janet (as God): Job, my son, let’s go through a few character-building exercises. I want to test your aptitude here. This is Satan, he’s going to be your partner.
Janet (as Satan): Heya.
Sam (as Job): Um, okay, God.
Janet (as God): You’ll do great, have fun!
Janet (as Satan): Okay, so Job, I’m going to take away all your wealth.
Sam (as Job): What?
Janet (as Satan): And your wife, your kids, everyone in your life, really.
Sam (as Job): Listen, I’m sure there’s a reason for all this, but-
Janet (as Satan): Haha, this is fun, isn’t it? Let’s see, what else. I’ll take your health, thank you.
Sam (as Job): K, I’m going to need you to stop that.
Janet (as Satan): What’s the matter? You wanna be a spoilsport, or what? The boss won’t be too pleased.
Sam (as Job): Yeah, well, I’m taking this up with the big guy.
[Knocking, door opens; music fades out; office ambiance in background]
Sam (as Job): Uh, hey, God? I need to talk to you.
Janet (as God): Yes, Job, what is it? How did the character-building go?
Sam (as Job): Honestly, you and Satan crossed a lot of lines and I’m super upset about it. I’m thinking of escalating this, bringing in HR-
Janet (as God): Okay, you know what? I can see you’re not a team player here, why don’t you just pack your things, Job.
Sam (as Job): You mean I just lost my-
[They pronounce it oppositely – Job/job]
Sam (as Job, amused) and Janet (as God, amused): Job!?
Janet (as God): But seriously, you’re fired.
[Same new age-y music as before in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): The story of Jacob.
[Music fades out]
Janet (as Jacobe): Oh hey, sorry to interrupt your work. Are you Jacob?
Sam (as Jacob): Yeah, how can I help?
Janet (as Jacobe): God sent me here to fight you. Says it’s one of his exercises.
Sam (as Jacob): Oh okay, cool.
[Wrestling – grunting, clothes ruffling – fades out then fades back in]
Sam (as Jacob): Hey, we’ve been fighting for 12 hours now. Are we getting overtime for this?
Janet (as Jacobe): Honestly, you’ll have to ask the boss.
Sam (as Jacob): Okay.
[Wrestling resumes]
Janet (as God): Alright, that’s enough, you two.
[Wrestling stops]
Janet (as God): Jacob. You were super chill throughout this entire exercise. As a reward, I’m promoting you and giving you a new title.
Sam (as Jacob): Sweet!
[Same new age-y music as before in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): The story of Lot’s Wife.
[Ambient debauchery – glasses, shouting – semi-loud in background; everyone has to shout over it]
Janet (as God): Okay folks, we’re going to do a trust exercise now. Can you hear me okay? Lot’s wife, can you hear me?
Janet (as Lot’s Wife): Huh?
Janet (as God): Don’t make me flick the lights on and off, guys, come on.
[Debauchery continues]
Janet (as God): Honestly. Okay, uh, Lot and Lot’s wife, you two go first. For this exercise, I’m going to destroy Sodom, and all you have to do is walk away and don’t look back. Understand? Lot?
Sam (as Lot): Sure thing, boss!
Janet (as God): Lot’s Wife, how about you?
Janet (as Lot’s Wife): What? I can’t hear you!
Janet (as God): Okay, off you go, good luck!
[Footsteps; ka-boom! of destruction in background]
Janet (as Lot’s Wife): What a racket, I wonder what’s going on back there?
[Poof!]
Janet (as God): Oh too bad, she looked back, eh? Well Lot, looks like you won the trust challenge, and your wife is now a pile of salt.
Sam (as Lot): Nice.
Scene: Work It Team Builds (24:39)
[Jazzy muzak in background throughout]
Sam: Janet, I’ve been thinking a lot about how to build our team.
Janet: Killer robots – way ahead of you.
[Robot noises in background]
Sam: No, not robots.
Janet: Oh.
[Whirrrr – robot shutting down]
Janet: Oh, of course. You're thinking more along the lines of a Frankenstein. I’ve got some body parts around here somewhere… Ah!
[‘Slorping’/squish sound of body parts]
Sam: No, not that either. And it’s Frankenstein’s monster.
Janet: Frankenstein had a monster?!
Sam: Janet, I’m saying we need team-building.
Janet (Frankenstein still on the brain): That’s like a double-scary mega-monster. Basically.
Sam: For instance, I was just reading in a browser tab next to my screenwriting software here about 8 tips for better team-building.
Janet: If you really want to eat up some time, you could read the URL.
Sam: It’s https…
Janet: Ooh, an SSL certificate.
Sam: I know, right. Bah, no, let’s get into it. So this article says we should “choose and use the right communication tools.”
Janet: But that means…
Sam: That’s right, Janet, no more sending me threatening messages from cut-up magazine letters.
Janet: But I’m nearly done my next one. You really weren’t going to like it, heh heh.
Sam: We’re going to have to use things like Slack and Facebook and Google chat.
Janet: Aren’t those things, like, constantly under state surveillance.
Sam: Finally, the audience we’ve been searching for.
Janet: CSIS is my homeboy! So let’s see tip number two: “Give employees authority to make important decisions.”
Sam: No!
Janet: I thought I was the boss.
Sam: I didn’t authorize that.
Janet: I revoke your authority to drag this beat out any further.
Sam: Ha, you call that an important decision?
Janet: Good point. Scotch or whiskey.
Sam: You decide.
[Glasses being poured]
Janet: Why not both?
Sam: Know your memes, kids, but anyways onto tip 3: Encourage each person to contribute during meetings.
Janet: Well… go ahead: do a joke on that.
Sam: I thought you were going to.
Janet: Do it. Say something funny.
Sam: I am encouraging you to say something funny.
Janet: Uh, okay, I got it:
[Clip of Dane Cook’s standup: “What am I supposed to say when an atheist sneezes? Uh, when you die, nothing happens”; followed by clip of ~3 children saying “Yay” and clapping pathetically]
Janet: Tip four is to foster workplace friendships.
Sam: I think we’re already pretty good at that.
Janet: Yeah, the friendship is the best part of this show.
Sam: Honestly, you’re probably my best friend, Janet.
Janet: Aww… well, and for me, I’ve been talking to the custodians about what a worthless dork you are.
Sam: Oh.
Janet: Those guys are great.
Sam: Tip five: Recognize each employee’s contribution.
Janet: Oh, sure, like earlier when I was like, “Don’t I recognize you?” and you were like “Janet, it’s me, Sam” and I was like, “No, that’s not it, but I definitely recognize you…"
Sam: Not quite. It’s more like, I recognize that you complete scenes that are very… well, they’re very… well, they sure eat up minutes.
Janet: Thanks, Sam. I recognize that you too write half of this show, and I promise I’ll listen to your stuff one of these days.
Sam: Tip six –
Janet: I’m sure it’s great!
Sam: Thanks, tip six is –
Janet: Encourage employees to be brand ambassadors.
Sam: For this one, I was thinking of going on the Work It Twitter and telling Howard Shultz that he’s a d–[censor beep]less stooge sack of dumb dog sh–[censor beep]!
Janet: Oh, great! Okay, and I’ll go on the Work It Twitter and tell Howard Schultz he’s a drooling, f–[censor beep]ing skidmark from Mammon’s undies.
Sam: We’re ‘ambassadorable’!
Janet: You know, I’m leaving the ambassa-door open to running as an independent in 2020.
Sam: And you’d be better than literally every billionaire, tip seven is: provide professional development opportunities.
Janet: Do you want to write next week’s episode by yourself while I go to the Buster Keaton marathon?
Sam: Tell you what, why don’t you write next week’s episode and I can get back into drugs.
Janet: Hmm… maybe we could just put on an Ink Spots record and no one will notice.
Sam: Hey, Ink Spots record, fancy a professional development opportunity?
Short clip of an Ink Spots record.
Sam: Yeah, well same to you, buddy!
Janet: Tip eight is: give out perks!
Sam: If only there were a platform known for creators giving out perks to people that we could mention on here.
Janet: But we can’t!
Sam: If only there were some way that content makers like us could share perks with beautiful, sexy, and extraordinarily generous listeners like yourselves.
Janet: Some sort of URL ending in WorkItPod.
Sam: If only.
Janet: Well, that’s probably already dangerously close to trouble-making, wouldn’t you say?
Sam: If I need to make no money on this semi-amusing, hair-brained radio-show that costs us about two nights worth of sleep, well – I’m glad it’s with you, teammate.
Janet: And I’m glad –
[Phone buzzing – a text message]
Janet: Never mind, I’ve just traded you to a FM station in DesMoines for a 6th round draft pick and future considerations.
Sam: But I thought we were team-building.
Janet: Yeah, well, Work It is going into a rebuild. Pack your bags, ding dong, you’re going to the minors.
[Fading out]
Sam: I don’t have any luggage. Do you have a plastic bag I can borrow?
Janet: I need this in case I need it later.
Scene: Outro (28:51)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: Well, folks, you are now ready to build a better team. If you’ve already learned how to build a better mousetrap, try putting these skills together. 
You’ll be able to start the world’s greatest headhunting firm. Or human meat emporium. Or maybe it’s a headhunting firm in the front, with a café selling human meat sandwiches in the back. A little provolone on ciabatta, num num num.
Oh, right, I was just telling you about following us at @workItPod on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram before you distracted me. Till some hero socializes these malefactors, I guess we’re all stuck there. Well, at least we have each other.
See you next week, team!
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]