Ep. 011
Winfluence!
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at influencers in which we proved that work. It is with it just like the kids today with their hashtags, please stay on the line.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Welcome to Work It 11, where we’re discussing the modern marketing phenomenon known as “Influencers”
Now you’re probably saying to yourself, Sam, do I detect something a little more aspirational about your intro? You’re absolutely right: I’m doing this from a beach! On a plane! In my garage! With my books! That’s right, people, we are walking the walk. Hope you like brain pills, ‘cause we’ve got a warehouse full of ‘em.
So sit back, pop a couple, and enjoy the first scene.
[Theme music fades out]
Scene: Obscure Influencers (1:18)
[Cheerful muzak in background]
Sam: Social media is full of influencers.
Janet: There’s a lot of money to be made, if you play your cards right.
Sam: You should have said ‘play your hashtags right’.
Janet: Oh yeah, that would have made us sound so lit.
Sam: Well, we can still ‘blow up the internet’ with this next ‘hot take’, Janet.
Janet: That’s ‘the tea’, Sam. Folks, we all know the travel influencers, the beauty influencers, the neo-Nazi influencers…
Sam: But what about the more niche interest groups? Those lurking on the margins of society?
Janet: Here’s our ‘listicle’ of the top social media influencers in some more…obscure areas.
Sam: Maybe you’ll find your next ‘stan’!
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet: Wondering about the latest reckless methods to cleanse your disgusting bowels and supposedly cure cancer? Check out @colinscolon, everyone’s favourite expert on enemas. 
[Enema noise in background – slurping, whooshing]
Colin’s top rectal hack? Save time by using instant coffee!
Sam: Hard day down the mine? Wipe that coal off your face and check out @minelife on Insta. 
[Mining noises in background; clangs and drills]
His photos may be mostly different shades of black, and his life expectancy astonishingly short, but his followers don’t mind! Minelife’s recent story on tungsten carbide drills inspired the viral hashtag ‘drill me daddy’.
Janet: Need to delete a toxic person from your life? Look for @sassyassassin on social media! She reviews all the latest gadgets to help you get the job done. Her top-rated blog post? 18 places you might be leaving DNA!
Sam: I can’t believe #9! Now, there’s history buffs and then there’s history buffs. If you self-identify as a 12th-century peasant wench, you’ll love @middleagelife. Check out her top tips to contract authentic bubonic plague, and you too can go viral!
[A rat squeaking]
Janet: For my conspiracy theorists out there, you’ve gotta check out @theworldisacat, who thinks that the entire world is situated on the back of an enormous cat. 
[Meow!]
Apparently America’s border wall is actually meant to keep out fleas.
Sam: Need to hang stuff on your wall without leaving a mark? Check out @hangman on Twitter, who has over 17,000 posts, 167 video tutorials, and 10 years of blog posts on non-permanent stick-on hooks and- 
(Turning to Janet:)
Jesus Janet, what is this bullsh–[censor beep]t?
Janet: Haha, that’s right, Sam! Something for everyone. Now, what if - hear me out - what if your very favourite thing is whining about jobs and capitalism in a sketch comedy format?
Sam: Why, I…I can’t think of any top influencers in that particular market, Janet.
Sam and Janet: Hmmmmmmm!
Sam (as Voiceover, very dramatic and portentous): To be continued…
Scene: Ryan ToysReview (3:51)
(Character breakdown: Ryan is an eager little showbiz kid and Mom is his pushy, fussy showbiz mom; Roger and Vera are a little mischievous and very old.)
[Jaunty kids show theme music]
Sam (as Ryan): Hi, welcome to Ryan ToysReview, I’m Ryan and I like toys. Let’s go –
[A beat as the music plays]
Sam (as Ryan): Toys are fun. I like cars. Vroom!
[A beat as the music plays]
Janet (as Mom, off-camera, directing him): Who do you have there, sweetie?
Sam (as Ryan): Lightning McQueen!
Janet (as Mom): How do you like the toy, Ryan? I – wait, who the hell are you two?
[A scuffle – jostling, grunting]
Sam (as Roger): Get her, Vera!
[More scuffle sounds including people hitting each other]
Janet (as Mom): Ow! Ow! That’s your purse!
Sam (as Ryan): What are you doing to my mommy?
Janet (as Vera): You’re getting the boot too, sonny!
[A kicking sound]
Sam (as Ryan): Ow, you kicked me in the butt!
Sam (as Roger): Clear out, rapscallion!
Janet (as Vera): Make like a tree, mom!
[Footsteps as they walk away; a door opens]
Janet (as Mom, from distant): We’ll be back!
Sam (as Ryan, same): We’re getting the cops!
Sam (as Roger): I survived influenza, kid. I think I can handle some bush league donut-munchers.
[Door close as they leave]
Janet (as Vera): Now then…
Sam (as Roger): Rumour has it that little whippersnapper was making 11 million dollars doing toy reviews.
Janet (as Vera): That’s a lot of simoleons! Roger and me figured, well hot dog, let’s get ourselves a piece of that pie.
Sam (as Roger): Nuts to you, Ryan ToysReview. It’s time for Roger and Vera’s GeezerTeasers.
Janet (as Vera): Hit it!
[Kids song ends abruptly, with sound of a record scratch; it’s replaced by vintage, big band, horn section, orchestra type music in the background]
Sam (as Roger): Later in the show, we’ll be unboxing video some of the newest dentures –
Janet (as Vera): Roger will be doing a speed-run of sending his grand-daughter an email.
Sam (as Roger): But up first is Vera with one of her amazing reviews! Vera!
Janet (as Vera): For this week’s review, I checked out some of the city’s most happening burial plots.
Sam (as Roger): Ooh, trendy!
Janet (as Vera): First up, we visited Shady Meadows Cemetery, whose plots seem cozy and serene at first. A closer look, though, betrays truly shoddy burial plots.
Sam (as Roger): Spill the tea!
[Teacup tinkling sound]
Sam (as Roger): Oh!
Janet (as Vera): From slovenly soil maintenance to inelegant notes of corpse-stench, the only thing worth burying here is one’s sense of good taste.
Sam (as Roger): Vera, what about a place to take my sweetie?
Janet (as Vera): Resting Grove offers cozy plots for couples—these spacious plots feature exemplary soil consistency; their hearty, voracious worms will have you wishin’ for decomposition.
Sam (as Roger): Sounds lit AF. But how about something classic, Vera?
Janet (as Vera): Sorry to disappoint, Roger. The latest plots at St. Anthony’s are truly garish: tacky soil and oversized plots are suitable only for the deceased arriviste.
Sam (as Roger): That’s all the time we’ve got for burial plot reviews. But I can dig it!
Janet (as Vera): Up next, the opposite of ASMR videos.
Sam (as Roger): WHERE WE TALK VERY LOUD AND IT’S NOT SEXY AT ALL!
[Police sirens; the door gets kicked in as Ryan and Mom return with Babylon]
Sam (as Ryan): There they are!
Janet (as Mom): Arrest those horrible seniors!
Janet (as Vera): Merc this suckers, Roger!
Sam (as Policeman): Go! Go! Go!
[A huge shootout for a few seconds, then fades out]
Scene: Work It Influences (6:53)
[Some cheesy background muzak]
Janet: Folks, as you might have noticed, we here at Work It have been struggling to connect with you, our fans.
Sam: We know you’re out there!
Janet: Well, we assume you’re out there.
Sam: Despite a complete lack of evidence, we feel like you might exist.
Janet: But it can be hard for creative geniuses like us to get through to the everyman.
Sam: Which is why we’ve decided to become social media influencers. We are going to be the internet’s go-to source for…whatever it is we do.
Janet: Uhhh, irreverent anti-capitalist commentary?
Sam: The internet’s go-to source for irreverent anti-capitalist commentary.
Janet: And how will we do that, Sam?
Sam: Glad you asked, Janet. After countless backbreaking minutes of googling, we’ve got a plan.
Janet: Phase one of our plan to become social media influencers: overwhelm you with content.
Sam: Neverending torrents of content.
Janet: We’ll be taking it in turns to make sure you’re getting constant updates from us, 24/7.
Sam: Get an exclusive look at bad jokes that didn’t make the cut!
Janet: Find out which ancient Greek phrase Sam made me delete cause literally no one would get it.
Sam: I stand by that. Watch livestreams of the creative process! Here we are writing this week’s episode!
[Sound effects of rickets, clock ticking, pens on paper, continuous till noted]
Sam: [Coughs]
Janet: Shhh.
Sam: Sorry.
[Beat]
Janet: Hey what’s funnier, ‘barf’ or ‘vomit’?
Sam: Ummm, ‘barf’.
Janet: K.
[End sound effects]
Sam: Wow, who wouldn’t want to follow us??
Janet: Phase two of our social media campaign, of course, is fishing for sponsorship.
Sam: Now, I know it seems like this show has brought us immeasurable fame and fortune, so you might be surprised to learn…
Janet: We’re broke.
Sam: We need money.
Janet: We’ll do anything.
Sam: Literally anything.
Janet: Slide into our DMs.
Sam: Please.
Janet: Anway! Turns out it’s hard to get sponsorships.
Sam: Especially when your entire creative output is dedicated to bashing every single brand there is.
Janet: Yeah, we didn’t think that through.
Sam: No matter, though! All we have to do is fake it.
Janet: By dropping sly hints about made-up sponsorship deals, many influencers establish cred and create the illusion of being in demand.
Sam: When in fact, no one wants to give them money.
Janet: So, we here at Work It are excited to strongly hint at a brand new sponsorship deal!
Sam: While neither confirming nor denying that any money has changed hands, we’re announcing an exciting name change.
Janet: Amazon Presents: Widget Media Presents: The Colgate Work It Show in partnership with Pepsi. 
[Can opens; drinking sounds] 
(Refreshed:)
Ahhh!
Sam: We’re currently offering sponsored segments at $17,000 a pop, but act fast, cause we’ll be raising our prices real soon!
Janet: Phase 3 of the social media operation is to be more relatable.
Sam: You know how all those other corporate accounts win over the hearts of consumers by acting like real people?
Janet: MoonPies have a pretend rivalry with the sun! Burger King gets in on the day’s political memes, but not quite enough to alienate anyone!
Sam: We’re taking it a step farther. We’re opening up our entire adorkable souls to our audience.
Janet: Watch us relentlessly obsess over every single celebrity we find attractive.
Sam: Read my search history! Incognito’s for cowards.
Janet: Watch a boomerang of me sobbing at Ken Burns’ Jazz.
Sam: Relate to us, dammit!
Janet: We’re miserable and neurotic, just like you!
Sam: Only funnier!
Janet: For example, I just tweeted a photo of a turd I found on the sidewalk and called it an ‘absolute unit’.
Sam: Pure genius.
Janet: It’s got 650,000 likes-
Sam: The Pope quote-tweeted us, with the comment ‘it me’-
Janet: And we’re gonna be on Fallon tonight.
Sam: I’m Fallon good about that!
Janet: Wow, you’re almost as funny as him!
Sam: Be sure to hit that follow button, folks!
Janet: We need validation.
Blackout: Great Influencers in History, part 1 (10:06)
(Character breakdown: Queen is imperious and haughty – surprise, surprise; Page sounds senior and loyal.)
Janet (as Voiceover):Great influencers in history. Queen Elizabeth I, London, England, 1580s.
[Courtly music in background]
Janet (as Queen): My subjects! You will follow my example, and apply lead-based powders to the face. See how elegant I appear.
[Oohs from crowd]
Janet (as Queen): Furthermore, the gradual onset of lead poisoning will lend a dainty ghostliness to the complexion.
[Aahs from crowd]
Janet (as Queen): The forehead is now a thing of the past! As, indeed, is the fivehead. My good people, now is the time for the sixhead! The sevenhead! Pluck your hairline back as far as you dare, sisters.
[Oohs from crowd]
Janet (as Queen): Lead poisoning should help with this, as well. Now, then, when to bare the bosom-
Sam (as Page): Your majesty!
Janet (as Queen): What is it, Page, that spurs you to interrupt this tutorial?
Sam (as Page): A message from Philip II of Spain!
[Paper rustling]
Janet (as Queen): It is but an illustration of his phallus.
Sam (as Page): Indeed, ma’am. He wishes to propose marriage.
Janet (as Queen): Hm…how many followers does he have?
Scene: Kross Siblings, part 1 (11:03)
(Character breakdown: the Kross siblings are both self-absorbed, entitled young adult little shits.)
[Lame podcast-y muzak in background]
Sam: You know, Janet, seeing as this week’s topic is Influences, we should probably talk to a couple of these experts in viral marketing.
Janet: Viral is a great word to describe our next guests! Please welcome to Work It, Kayla Cross and her brother – Kendall?
Sam (as Ken): Ken-doll.
Janet: Ken…?
Sam (as Ken): Ken-doll, like the Ken doll, idiot!
Janet (as Kayla): Our father was a Ken doll.
Sam (to no one in particular): Well, that’s not true.
Janet: So, Kayla, exciting news: you and your bother have parlayed your ‘influencer’ status into a partnership with a major beauty company, isn’t that right?
Janet (as Kayla): You’re old.
Sam (as Ken): Is this a radio show dying?
Sam: Little focus, guys – Janet was asking about your new partnership.
Janet (as Kayla): Sigh, fine, whatever.
(Bored; reciting:)
My brother and I are pleased to announce the launch of our hot, new fragrance, Influence.
Sam (as Ken): It’s like a body-spray or whatever.
Janet: Wow, terrific!
Sam: Congratulations, guys!
[Misc. cell-phones sounds – notification sounds, typing, continuous…; which results in dead air for several beats, other than these sounds]
Sam: So Ken, what’s been the best part of being an influencer?
Sam (as Ken): I’unno.
Sam: Mind putting down your phone there?
Sam (as Ken, distracted/grunting): Hnh.
Janet: How ‘bout you, Kayla? Could ya put away your phone for a question or two?
Janet (as Kayla, to Ken): Oh my god, Ken, look at Nikki’s travel photos – her boobs look like Play-Doh!
Sam (as Ken): What a skeezix!
Janet (as Kayla): What a hag-bag!
Sam: Okay, that’s it, give me those.
[Sound of Sam grabbing phones – some struggle and beeps]
Sam (as Ken): Give that back.
Janet (as Kayla): Hey, no fair!
Sam: Now, then: Janet was trying to ask you a question.
Janet (as Kayla): Feed worms, grandpa!
Janet: Tell me, Kayla, was it hard to come up with a scent that captures the Cross siblings’ brand?
Janet (as Kayla): Pfft, it was super easy. Some guys in suits were like blah blah, sign here, sign here, here’s a yacht, have fun.
Sam (growing disillusioned): Wow. A yacht. Good for you.
Sam (as Ken): Yeah, I got a Ducatti but I crashed it into the zoo.
Janet: Oh, we know – it’s all there on YouTube for all the world to see.
Sam: Remind me, Ken-doll: How many views did that get again?
Sam (as Ken): 40 million.
Janet: And how many chimps were killed?
Sam (as Ken): Seventeen.
Sam: Awesome!
(Muttering:)
J–[censor beep]sus Chr–[beep]st.
Janet: We’ll be back later with more from trendy influencers Ken-doll and Kayla Cross.
Scene: Influencer Gets a Normal Job (13:15)
(Character breakdown: Bernie is a highly extroverted self-promoter; Sandra is his millennial woman co-worker; Violet sounds like a team-lead – focused, on-task; his Boss is professional and composed; the Priest is compassionate and consoling.)
[Brief clownish music accompanying voiceover in background]
Janet (as Voiceover): An influencer gets a normal job.
[Office ambience; coffee maker running]
Janet (as Sandra): Morning Bernie, how’s it going?
Sam (as Bernie): Oh hey Sandra, can’t complain, you know. #ratrace #ihatemondays
Janet (as Sandra): Yeah, haha.
[Fridge door opens]
Janet (as Sandra): Hey, how come there’s 800 things of CoffeeMate in here? Where’s the normal cream?
Sam (as Bernie): Glad you noticed! I scored a sweet sponsorship deal with CoffeeMate. Be sure to tag them on your social media!
Janet (as Sandra): Oh my god, Bernie, you mean there’s no cream for my coffee??
Sam (as Bernie): Let’s get a selfie!
[Camera snap!]
Sam (as Bernie, reading while typing): #pickmeup #nondairydelish #yum-
Janet (as Sandra): I swear to god, Bernie!
[Splash!]
Sam (as Bernie): Oh god it’s scalding hot! You are so cancelled, Sandra. Please call an ambulance, I have phone anxiety.
[Fade out; brief clownish music accompanying voiceover in background]
Janet (as Voiceover): An influencer tries a normal job.
[Fade in on: new office ambiance – murmur of voices]
Janet (as Violet): Okay, thanks for coming out, folks, let’s get this meeting started. Bernie, you wanted to kick things off with some remarks?
Sam (as Bernie): Yeah, thanks Violet. Hey guys, thanks for coming out to Sharpie Presents: This Meeting!
Janet (as Violet): What presents what?
Sam (as Bernie): I wanna give a special shoutout to Sharpie for partnering with us today! They gave me some keywords to use in this ad-read, let’s jot this down…stationery…office supplies…
[Marker squeaking on whiteboard]
Janet (as Violet): You idiot, that’s indelible ink! We’ll never get it off the whiteboard!
Sam (as Bernie): Oh. Wow, that’s the staying power of Sharpie!
Janet (as Violet): Oh no, someone get maintenance in here.
Sam (as Bernie): Don’t worry, I’ve got a life hack for this! Does anyone have a blowtorch, an old sock, and some diaper cream?
[Fade out; brief clownish music accompanying voiceover in background]
Janet (as Voiceover): An influencer tries a normal job.
[Fade in on: new office ambiance – murmur of voices]
Sam (as Bernie): …So, boss, that’s what I propose for the new Work It campaign.
Janet (as Boss): A nude calendar, I love it! Great work, Bernie.
Sam (as Bernie): Leave a comment below and tell me what you think.
Janet (as Boss): Uh, well, I think it’s a really strong-
Sam (as Bernie, getting increasingly frenzied): Be sure to hit that like button!
Janet (as Boss): What are you-
Sam (as Bernie): Remember to smash that subscribe button!
Janet (as Boss): Are you okay?
Sam (as Bernie): Go ahead and destroy that share button!
Janet (as Boss): Bernie!
Sam (as Bernie): Just annihilate that notification button!
Janet (as Boss): What’s going-
Sam (as Bernie): If you’re not following me on Twitter I will hunt you down
[Phone dialling]
Janet (as Boss): Hello, security? I’ve got a… 
[Fade out; brief clownish music accompanying voiceover in background]
Janet (as Voiceover): An influencer loses his normal job.
[Ambient street noise]
Sam (as Bernie): Hey buddy, got any followers?
Janet (as Rando 1): No.
Sam (as Bernie): Spare a follower, ma’am?
Janet (as Rando 2): Get away from me, noob!
Janet (as Priest): My child. You are lost. Come, let me write you a guest post.
Sam (as Bernie): Keep your charity! You think you’re better at SEO than me? You think I don’t have any hot takes left? I just need a fresh start, a new insta… 
[Fade out]
Blackout: Influencer Secrets (15:50)
(In this segment, Sam ‘interviews’ spliced clips of celebrities.)
[While each of the influencers speaks, there is a laugh track at random intervals in the background]
Sam: Logan Paul, what’s your influencer secret?
Logan Paul: Yo, she just rubbed my mustache. That's funny. There's a bit. There’s a bit right there. Let's have someone rub my mustache before I've even done it. That's weird.
Sam: How about you? Fashion influencer, Danielle Bernstein?
Danielle Bernstein: I think from a business standpoint, reaching a million followers, kind of just validates what I've been doing for the past four years. I mean, my blog is the product of organic growth.
Sam: What's your influencer secret, Rupi Kaur?
Rupi Kaur: I want to apologize to all the women I've called pretty. It has been so hard on your feet. I don't grieve. I shatter.
Sam: How ’bout your influencers secrets, Gabby Epstein?
Gabby Epstein: Um, for me, Instagram and social media, isn't a vanity or…
[Trails off]
Sam: Wow, I've learned so much!
Blackout: Great Influencers in History, part 2 (16:37)
Janet (as Voiceover):Great influencers in history. Clarence Deeley, Gladberg, Illinois, 1883.
[Outdoors ambience, crowd murmuring]
Sam (as Deeley): Step right up folks, and come experience this magical mystical medicinal miracle all the way from the far east. I present Dr Lee’s Cure-All Concoction!
[Oooh from the crowd]
Sam (as Deeley): That’s right, friends! Here’s my top 13 tips to living your best life with Dr Lee’s help! This is sponsored content, but I truly believe in-
Janet (as Heckler): Hey, you’re the same guy who told us about some other miracle cure last year!
Sam (as Deeley): Well my friend, I can’t deny it, we all make mistakes.
Janet (as Heckler): That dastardly ointment broke me out in hives! And when I tried to retrieve my payment, you sent me a daguerreotype of your hindquarters!
Sam (as Deeley): What can I say, I’m constantly learning and growing-
Janet (as Heckler): And then you sent your hangers-on to harrass me!
Sam (as Deeley): Why you’re nothing but a hater!
Janet (as Heckler): And you, sir, are no influencer at all, but a scallywag!
[Jeers and boos from the crowd]
Sam (as Deeley): Friends, after much consideration, I’ve decided to step away from my platform for a while. #selfcare #loggingoff.
[Splats, thuds]
Sam (as Deeley): Ow, hey, no bricks!
Blackout: Janet Fest, part 1 (17:48)
[Some bland, MOR commercial mellow country-rock instrumental in the background]
Janet: Hey there, folks. It’s me, Janet, co-host of Work It on CFMU – I’m the cute one. And smart one. The talented one? Sure, you could say that.
But enough about Work It. This is about connection, about you and me. Sam’s not here. I left some crayons in a meat locker and shut the door when he went in.
Do you want to be more authentic? More creative? Do you want to live your best life? Sounds hard, huh? It doesn’t have to be… with JanetFest!
[Brief, cheap-sounding fanfare – ta da!]
That’s right, friends, JanetFest! A celebration of authenticity, creativity, and, um, photo-realism! That’s just the first word that popped into my head, but that’s what being authentic is all about! Only $165!
Please don’t call it a workshop. Work isn’t work if you love it. We’re calling it a LoveShop. We nearly changed “shop” too, to something like ‘share’ or ‘exchange’. We didn’t want there to be confusion, though. It’s $165!
We’ve got lots of fun activities at JanetFest. We’ll make flower headbands. We’ll have mini gardens in mason jars. You’ll get an exclusive tote and set of crystals. And, of course, I’ll be sharing my tips on creativity and being your real self. What more do you need? That’s literally everything!
So, followers, let me influence you! JanetFest! $165 to a better you! Be there!
Scene: Culture Wars Trailer (19:15)
(Character breakdown: this is an obvious parody, so Reia sounds like a young hero discovering their destiny; Benny sounds just like a terrible impersonation of Alec Guiness; and Varth Lader is a dead ringer for the mean old lion in Lion King – deep, scary voice; oh, and the Nerd is just a whiny, resentful man-child.)
[Stirring, cinematic music in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Coming soon to a streaming service near you…the fantasy epic we’ve all been waiting for…Culture Wars! Enjoy this special sneak peek…
[Keyboard typing]
Janet (as Reia): [Reading aloud while typing] Lol amirite guys question mark question mark-
[A sci-fi-ish 'teleporting' noise of someone appearing]
Janet (as Reia): Ah! Who are you? How did you pop out of my computer?
Sam (as Ben): [all Alec Guinness-like] Reia, my child. I am Benny-1, white knight of the internet. We need your help in the online culture wars.
Janet (as Reia): But I'm just a plucky teen who's always half-suspected I was destined for something greater than this banal existence! What made you choose me?
Sam (as Ben): The Influence is strong with you. I believe you will bring balance to the social media.
Janet (as Reia): The- the Influence? I thought that was all a myth.
Sam (as Ben): You have much to learn, young one.
Janet (as Reia): How do you know so much about the Influence?
Sam (as Ben): I fought in the original culture wars. I cultivated a substantial following on Geocities and MySpace.
Janet (as Reia): Oh, I've heard of those pages from the olden times, before I was born.
Sam (as Ben): Oh my god, I'm a million years old.
Janet (as Reia): Benny-1, I want to join you! I want to fight for the soul of the internet!
Sam (as Ben): Then you must learn the ways of the Influence. Come with me!
[Teleporting sound; ominous music in background]
Janet (as Reia): What is this place?
Sam (as Ben): The information superhighway. The worst chuds in the Galaxy gather here. Look out!
[Lasers and spaceships flying by in background]
Janet (as Reia): What was that??
Sam (as Ben): We're being cyber-attacked! Hold on tight…
Janet (as Nerd): Yer a cuck! Red pill! Red pill!
Sam (as Ben): Must.. retaliate…
[Keyboard typing]
Shut…up…virgin…
Janet (as Nerd): Aaaarrrgghhh…
[Lasers stop]
Janet (as Reia): Who was that??
Sam (as Ben): A follower of Varth Lader, Edgelord of the Trolls. Quickly now, they always attack in hordes.
[Running footsteps]
Janet (as Reia): I've heard of Varth Lader! He's a jerk!
Sam (as Ben): He is a master of the Influence. His memes are extremely shareable.
Janet (as Reia): Benny-1. Let me fight him. I know all the sick burns, I'm ready!
Sam (as Ben): No, Reia, it's too dangerous! He'll dox you without a second thought!
Janet (as Reia): I'm going in!
[Lasers, rocket ships and screaming continuous in background; heroic music in background]
Janet (as Reia): Hey Lader, come at me!
Sam (as Varth Lader): Foolish female! You're no match for me and my army of incels!
[Lasers]
Sam (as Varth Lader): I found her nudes!
Janet (as Reia): No!!!
Sam (as Ben): Reia! Use the Influence!
Janet (as Reia): The influence… Yes, that's it!
More like- Varth Lamer, amirite guys??
[Canned laughter]
Sam (as Varth Lader): What! No, listen, I'm an alpha!
Sam (as Ben): That's it, Reia! Let me help. This guy still lives in his mom's basement and compensates for his crippling self-doubt by being an assh–[censor beep]le online!
[Canned laughter; tense, dramatic music]
Sam (as Varth Lader): Argh! Benny-1… My old nemesis…At last, I have the upper hand.
Janet (as Reia): What are you talking about??
Sam (as Varth Lader): You said a minor cussword. I'm suspending your account!
Janet (as Reia): No!! Benny-1!
Sam (as Ben): Reia…I'll always be there for you…in my archived blog posts…
[Soaring, heroic music in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): What will become of Reia? Is Benny-1 offline for good? Find out in… Culture Wars
Scene: Bad Influence (22:35)
(Character breakdown: Mom is slightly conservative and over-bearing; Son is maybe an adolescent – trying to be aloof and all that pubescent stuff; other characters are self-explanatory from their names.)
[The ambient sounds of YouTube videos coming from a computer]
Janet (as Mom): Hey, sweetie, what are you watching?
Sam (as Son): Just some YouTube videos. Like, unboxing videos, Let’s Plays, toy reviews, vlogs – stuff like that.
Janet (as Mom): Oh, these must be those “influencers” I was reading about.
Sam (as Son): I dunno, I just like them.
Janet (as Mom): Well, just so long as they’re not a “bad influence”, ha ha.
Sam (as Son): Don’t worry, they’re not. Here, watch.
[Jaunty, playful kid-friendly hip-hop music in background]
Sam (as Unboxer): We’re here to unbox a really cool new product. Let’s open it up and see what’s inside. Sweet, it’s a gun!
[Ch-chk! of the gun being cocked]
Janet (as Mom): Uh, sweetie…
Sam (as Son): Shh, this is the best part.
Sam (as Unboxer): Guns can be used to shoot people you don’t like. It’s fun!
Janet (as Mom): Change the video!
Sam (as Son): Ugh, fine.
[Peppy children’s music in the background]
Sam (as Reviewer): Hi, my name is Billy, and I review toys. Are you my friend?
Janet (as Mom): This is better.
Sam (as Reviewer): Today’s toy is cocaine. You can smoke it or put it in your nose. Hooray!
Sam (as Son): Well?
Janet (as Mom): Next!
[Chiptune video game music in background]
Sam (as Nerdy Streamer): Today’s game stream is Minecraft.
Janet (as Mom): That’s better.
Sam (as Nerdy Streamer): Did I say Minecraft? I meant Mein Kampf.
Janet (as Mom): Next!
[Heavy metal in background]
Janet (as Perky Vlogger): Cigarettes are cool!
Janet (as Mom): Next!
[Porno funk in background]
Sam (as Sleazy Vlogger): Have unprotected sex!
Janet (as Mom): Next!
[Jaunty rock song in background]
Janet (as Educational Vlogger): Never drive sober!
Janet (as Mom): And we’re done.
[Whrrr of computer turning off]
Sam (as Son): Gee, mom, I guess you were right. I guess these influencers were nothing but a bunch of bad influences.
Janet (as Mom): Well, I hope you've learned your lesson. Now, help mommy set up for her cam shoot, there's a good boy.
Sam (as Son, acquiescing): Fine. You want me to point the camera at your feet again?
Janet (as Mom): I just got a pedicure!
Scene: Great Influencers in History, part 3 (24:08)
(Character breakdown: Zorlax sounds like some kind of insect overlord – buzzy, reverberated…)
Janet (as Voiceover):Great influencers of the future. Zorlax the Profound, Terran orbiter 7, the year 2163.
[Lasers, bloops, a rocket ship]
Sam (as Zorlax): Citizens of Planet Earth! Bow before your new ruler!
[Uncertain murmurs in crowd]
Sam (as Zorlax): You will obey my every command, or face extermination!
[Gasps; lasers]
Sam (as Zorlax): Henceforth, humanity will know only Zorlax! We shall begin with earthling habitats.
[Screams, lasers, rocket ships]
Sam (as Zorlax): Heed me! Stick to off-white for your walls, with the occasional fun pop of colour!
[Boots marching; lasers intensify; panic from the masses]
Sam (as Zorlax): For a touch of whimsy, string fairy lights up in a cosy reading nook! 
[Fade out]
Scene: Kross Siblings, part 2 (24:56)
Sam: We’re back with the social media influencers, Kayla and Ken-doll Cross who have just launched a fragrance. Kayla, what’s been the highlight?
Janet (as Kayla): Oh, I did this video where I went to like this sacred temple for Chinese guys or whatever –
Janet: Tibetan monks, those were Tibetan –
Janet (as Kayla): That’s what I said. So like one of these Chinese guys comes up to me wearing these orange bed-sheets and he had this like perv vibe –
Sam: The holy man had a “perv vibe”, did he?
Janet (as Kayla): Total perv vibe. And so he’s all like –
Janet (interrupting just in time, rushed): Maybe don’t do an impression?
Janet (as Kayla): Fine, so he’s all in my face or whatever, but like I had a bottle of our fragrance with me, so I just sprayed him in the eyes or whatever. He was all like unnnh i’m blind, what a loser.
Sam (as Ken): Epic fail.
Sam: That’s terrible.
Janet (as Kayla): You’re just old.
Sam (as Ken): Suck it, Tithonus!
Sam: Great, well what else– Tithonus? – what else can you tell me about your fragrance?
Janet (as Kayla): Uh, its new single just dropped.
Janet: Single?
Sam (as Ken): Soundcloud, b–[censor beep]tch!
Sam: Just to be clear, your new perfume has a single?
Janet (as Kayla): They were like “sign here, initial here,” whatever.
Sam (as Ken): We each got 400,000 dollars.
Janet (as Kayla): We earned it.
Sam (as Ken): Can’t knock the hustle.
Sam (sarcastic): Splendid! F–[censor beep]cking splendid!
Janet: Okay well, let's hear some of the new single by up-and-coming Soundcloud rapper, the Cross siblings’ fragrance.
[Clip of hip-hop music accompanied by spritzing of a perfume bottle; music ends]
Sam (as Ken): Are we done?
Janet (as Kayla): I’m late for my DJ set.
Janet: You know, I assumed you guys would be a bit more… up?
Sam: Yeah, more like your YouTube videos. Peppy.
Sam (as Ken): Oh, say word, b. You want us to drop some YouTube science on your cracker [censor beep]–ss.
Sam: Well, I guess, I suppose so. And you’re white, by the–
Janet (as Kayla): Dab on these haters, bro!
Sam (as Ken): I’m ’bout to risk it all, sis!
Sam (aside, to Janet): What are they doing, Janet?
Janet: They’ve regressed into speaking in memes.
Sam: It’s some kind of sub-verbal cave-language.
Janet: Exactly. Like the Simpsons references of their more primitive ancestors.
Sam (as Ken): Your fave could never!
Janet (as Kayla): Weird flex but okay!
Sam: What’s even happening right now?
Sam (as Ken): YouTube beast mode activate in–
[Quickening beeps like a robot approaching self-destruct or something]
Sam (as Ken) and Janet (as Kayla, together): 5. 4. 3. 2…
[Background chip-tune music; both Kayla and Ken are in ‘beast mode’ now – suddenly very peppy and clear and sales-pitch-y]
Janet (as Kayla): Guys, thank you so much for watching, guys. Guys, make sure to smash that subscribe button.
Sam (as Ken): Guys, it’s so good to be back with you guys, guys. Guys, we’ve got a new fragrance that we’re super excited to share with you all.
Janet (as Kayla): Guys, I’m feeling really vulnerable guys, and if I can just be really authentic and real for a second here guys, it would mean so much if you bought our fragrance, guys!
Sam (as Ken): @super_candy in the chat wants to know, What kind of girl would I date? Gosh @super_candy, I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s down-to-earth and chill. Someone who buys 20 bottles of our fragrance. Check out my abs!
Janet (as Kayla): So I really want some new bikinis to wear on instagram but you guys, I don’t know how I’m going to pay for them. Gee, if only some sweet, divorced, midwestern dad would buy a pallet of our fragrance. Then I could try on bikinis just for him. Please, daddy: 
(Pleading:)
It’s just one widdle pallet!
Sam (as Ken): Guys, make sure to comment about how much you love our fragrance, guys. Make your friends do it too, guys.
Janet (as Kayla): Guys, use the hashtag TeamKaylaAndKenDoll, guys. We’re nothing without you guys, guys.
Sam (as Ken): Guys, comments, guys guys, like and subscribe guys.
Janet (as Kayla): Guys, money, guys; fragrance, money, sex guys.
Sam (as Ken): Sex, guys; sex sex, money sex, guys.
Janet (as Kayla): Subscribe, sex, guys. Comments, money, guys.
Sam (as Ken): Guys, money, guys. Sex, money, sex, sex, money, sex, guys.
Janet (as Kayla): See ya next time!
Sam (as Ken): Ken-doll out!
[Background music stops]
Sam (as Ken): Boom! That’s how it’s done.
Janet (as Kayla): We just made a million dollars.
Sam: Janet, I think we’re in the wrong line of work.
Janet: Sam, I think we’re in the wrong line of planet.
[Quickening beeps again; and a big explosion; and if that signals the end of the world, well, good riddance]
Blackout: Janet Fest, part 2 (28:09)
(Character breakdown: the Anchor is sedate, professional; Scrote sounds like a gutsy investigative reporter or something, a little old-fashioned and wise guy-ish.)
[Brief news theme – action-packed, dramatic, etc.]
Janet (as Anchor): Welcome to NewsDesk, the program where we tell you some news while at a desk. We now go live to Scrote Scratcher live from the scene of what can best be described as… well, let’s hear for ourselves. Scrote?
[Fire, screaming, chaos in background, continuous]
Sam (as Scrote): I’m live on the scene at JanetFest in what can best be described as a vision of Hell on Earth. What was supposed to be a harmless celebration of the popular podcaster and karaoke performer, Janet Mowat, has descended into a scene from which the world may never recover.
Janet (as Anchor): What exactly is going on, Scrote? What of the flower crowns?
Sam (as Scrote): Well, after admitting that she forgot them at home, Janet said, “Hey! What about the British Royal Family?! They have lots of crowns!” An army of frenzied teenage girls descended on Buckingham Palace. No one was spared. Janet taught them to weave lilacs into their spoils as they bathed in royal blood.
Janet (as Anchor): I see, and what about the mason jars and mini-gardens?
Sam (as Scrote): That started innocently enough as well. When one of the guests asked about maintenance, Janet suggested, “Oh, mini-gardners? Is that a thing?” The rampage resumed, as guests stormed greenhouses trying to fit gardeners into mason jars. Are you familiar with the story of Procrustes?
Janet (as Anchor): The Ancient Greek villain who cut the limbs off people who were too big for his iron bed; who isn’t?
Sam (as Scrote): Well, the things I’ve seen here would make Procrustes vomit.
Janet (as Anchor): “Barf” is funnier, Scrote.
Sam (as Scrote): Summing up because this premise is running out of steam, the tote bags were human skin, the crystals were polished chunks of bone, and – oh, right – the creativity workshop brought about the end times for all mankind.
[Horses neighing angrily]
Janet (as Anchor): There are the four horseman now.
Sam (as Scrote): Well, studio, I’m going to go hide behind some flaming corpses here.
Janet (as Anchor): May Janet have mercy on us all.
[Same news theme, accompanied by the galloping and neighing of Satanic horses]
Scene: Outro (30:06)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam (hypnotising): You are getting influenced! Very influenced! 
(Normal:)
Did it work? Are you under the control of Work It? Quick: bark like a chicken! cluck like a donkey! drink like a podcaster! It’s working!
Now that you are firmly under our spell, on the count of 3 you will follow Work It on social media. We’re @WorkItPod on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook. And visit workitpod.com for links to podcast feeds, various and sundry.
Okay, listener, are you ready? 1 - 2 - uh, 4, Rocky 5, 100? Oh, just do it wouldja?
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]