Ep. 010
Entrepreneurin’-soaked Hell Hole
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at entrepreneurship, in which we clearly hadn't considered how hard it is to say entrepreneur over and over again, please stay on the line.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Hey there, friend, hope you’re in the business of being ambitious because today’s episode of Work It is all about entrepreneurship.
I just wrote that business/ambitious line now, can you believe it? It’s like if they were funding startups based on the quality of their half-rhymes, we’d be rolling in do-re-me. But they’re not, so we’re not, so here we are.
Today, we’re talking about entrepreneurship. Hey, hang on – we already did one on leadership too. Entrepreneurship, leadership – I guess you could say ship happens.
[Theme music fades out]
Blackout: Cavemen, part 1 (1:19)
(Character breakdown: All the Cavemen talk like they’re from a cartoon or something – grunting in a blend of expressive English and broken syntax.)
Janet (as Voiceover): And now, a dramatic reenactment of the very first entrepreneur…
[Jungle noises: animals, wind]
Sam (as Caveman 1): Me invent fire!
[Oohs & aahs]
Janet (as Caveman 2): Me want fire!
Sam (as Caveman 1): No! My fire!
Janet (as Caveman 3): Me want fire, too!
Janet (as Caveman 2): Me give you shiny things for fire!
Sam (as Caveman 1): Oooo, shiny things!
Janet (as Caveman 3): Maybe…you teach us to make fire?
Sam (as Caveman 1): Hm…no. You give me shiny things, I give you fire.
[Ch-ching – cash register sound]
Scene: Kindergarten Entrepreneurs (1:49)
(Character breakdown: Teacher is sweet and supportive; all the children read as adorably innocent, except for the content of what they’re saying.)
Janet: Huh. Here’s an interesting news item, Sam.
Sam: What’s that, Janet?
Janet: So I’m looking at this report from the Global Entrepreneurship Monitor…
Sam: Ooo, my favourite!
Janet: I know! And they recommend that Canadians start learning entrepreneurship as early as kindergarten. How would that even work?
Sam: Hm…I wonder… 
[Harp strings ring out, signalling that we cut to: a kindergarten class’s ambience – kids playing and such]
Janet (as Teacher): Okay, boys and girls, today we’re going to learn about entrepreneurship. Can you say ‘entrepreneur’?
Sam and Janet (as Kids): [They all struggle adorably with the word – “En–twu–pwen–ur?”, etc.]
Janet (as Teacher): Very good! Now. Entrepreneurs solve problems and make money for it. Is there a problem you can fix? Ralphie, let’s start with you.
Sam (as Ralphie): Okay! Umm, some kids don’t have enough friends.
Janet (as Teacher): Great, and how would you fix that?
Sam (as Ralphie): Umm…I’ll get a bunch of people who are good at being friends, then sell their friendship to lonely people! We’ll call lonely people Johns, cause John eats his boogers and has no friends.
Janet (as Teacher): Oh, that’s…troubling…
Sam (as Ralphie): Come on, we’ll make money, people won’t be lonely…everyone wins!
Sam and Janet (as Kids): Yeah! Ralphie’s right! I’d pay for that!
Janet (as Teacher): Hm. Mandy, how about you? What’s a problem you’d like to fix?
Janet (as Mandy): Some kids don’t do well at school!
Janet (as Teacher): Okay, so you’d charge them for tutoring?
Janet (as Mandy): Inefficient. I’ll do the work for them! $10/assignment, $25/test. Any takers?
Sam and Janet (as Kids): Yeah! I’ll take that! I’m dumb!
Janet (as Teacher): Mandy, dear, that’s unethical. Can you say unethical?
Janet (as Mandy): No but I can say “I just made $150”.
Janet (as Teacher): This is a nightmare!
Sam (as Freddy, sweetly): Mrs Shingles? Can I share my idea?
Janet (as Teacher): Aww, darling little Freddy. I’m sure you’ll have a good one.
Sam (as Freddy): The problem I’m seeing is that the kids are restless and you have trouble controlling them. Is that true?
Janet (as Teacher): Yes, Freddy. Good job using your empathy. Can you say empathy?
Sam (as Freddy): Um…empathy!
Janet (as Teacher): Very good! So what’s your business idea? Teacher’s special helper?
Sam (as Freddy): No, exploit weakness! Hey guys, will you pay my militia to overthrow the teachers and take over the school?
Sam and Janet (as Kids): Yeah!
Janet (as Teacher): Oh no!
[Sounds of chaos – crashing and smashing and shouting – fade to harp strings, and we cut back to:]
Sam: Heh heh heh...
Janet: Sam? Sam?
Sam (with a hint of kid’s voice): Bow before your new principal!
Janet: What?
Sam: Huh?
Janet: I was just saying that teaching entrepreneurship in kindergarten sounds kinda dumb.
Sam: Oh! Sure, sure. I mean…what would kids have to sell, anyway?…
[Faint sound of chaos in background; fade out]
Blackout: Dragon’s Den (4:41)
Sam (as Voiceover): This week, on Dragon’s Den.
[Dramatic, tense ambient music in background]
Janet (as Pitcher): ...In closing, our revenue is growing, our customers love us, and we’re ready to take it to the next level. Well, Dragons – what do you say?
[A beat, then: Dragon sounds – fire, roaring – and the sounds of a woman screaming in pain]
Blackout: Types of ’Preneurs (5:01)
Sam: The word ‘entrepreneur’ comes from French roots entre and prendre, “to take between” or, indeed, “to undertake”.
Janet: So, if you think about it, the greatest entrepreneur is probably someone like WWE Superstar The Undertaker – etymologically.
Sam: People sometimes talk about solopreneurs and even intrapreneurs. All this got us thinking: what are all the other, less talked about types of preneurs?
Janet: Gee, Sam. That sounds like a sketch idea.
Sam: Oh wow, I guess it does.
Sam (as Voiceover): Types of Preneurs.
[Beat]
Outer-preneur.
[Knocking on door; suburban ambiance – including dog barking, continuous – in background]
Janet (as Outer, muffled, as if from ‘outside’): Hello?
[Knock knock knock!]
Janet (as Outer, muffled): Anybody home?
[A beat]
I’ll just do my pitch from out here, I guess. “We live in a changing world…”
Sam (as Voiceover): Sideways-preneur.
[Office ambiance in background]
Sam (as Sideways): …I know my pitch sounds a little risky, a little speculative, but I need you investors to trust me. If only I could look you in the eyes! But I am, as you know, facing sideways.
Sam (as Voiceover): Upside-down-preneur.
Janet (as Upside-Down): Well, folks, before I start my pitch, let me just get up in a headstand and…
[Grunting in exertion –hngh!]
(Laboured:)
There! So, as the chart on this first slide illustrates – whoa!
[Falling, crashing, clatter]
Sam (as Voiceover): Extra-preneur.
Sam (as Extra): Hey, how’s it going? Epic t-shirt. Amazing! I love meeting new people, I’m sort of an extrovert, extrapreneur – Tony Robbins is god, right? My pitch? Check it out: It’s LinkedIn on steroids – wait for it! – on steroids. Boom! Pass me my Muscle Milk.
(Drinking; reverting to infancy:)
Glug, glug, glug Mmm, I love my milk. Slurp, slurp, mmm, yummy milk! I wish I could drink it all!
Sam (as Voiceover): Entrée-preneur
[Restaurant ambiance in background]
Janet (as Entrée, cheesy French accent): Madames et monsieurs, je vous présente: le quiche downloadable!
Sam (as Voiceover): JesseVentura-preneur
[Wrestling show ambiance in background]
Sam (as Jesse, bad wrestler impersonation): Listen up, Hulkster, and listen good. When I get through with you at WrestleMania, you’ll be begging to invest in my latest startup!
Janet (as Mean Gene): And what is this startup, Body?
Sam (as Jesse): Well, Mean Gene, it’s Foodora but just for pie.
Janet (as Mean Gene): Fantastic, Body, well…
Sam (as Jesse): Maybe cake.
Janet (as Mean Gene): Great work.
Sam (as Jesse): Still ironing out the kinks.
Sam (as Voiceover): Cilantro-preneur.
Janet (as Cilantro): What if. Guacamole. Was bad.
[Record scratch]
Sam: Cilantro is actually good, that was just a joke for the normies and whitey lame-os.
Janet: Eat sh–[censor beep]t, moon doggie!
SFX of music resuming.
Sam (as Voiceover): Contra-preneur.
[Office ambiance in background]
Sam (as Contra): Sometimes in business, you need to take two steps up, two steps down, left, right, left, right – well, I think you get the idea.
Sam (as Voiceover): Ganja-preneur.
[Psychedelic sitar music in background]
Janet (as Ganja, a bad hippie impression): Hey, man, it’s like, Pinterest but like for tye-dye.
Sam (as Voiceover): Sinatra-preneur
[Sinatra-style showy music with lots of horns in background]
Sam (as Sinatra, talk-singing): Let’s go to sunny Acapulco /
My swinging señorita and me /
What about an app that’s Airbnb for garages? /
Mexico, here I come!
Sam (as Voiceover): Double entendre-preneur
[Office ambiance in background]
Janet (as Double): So this is a service that really gets it done in the bush, heh heh heh. No but seriously, it’s Fiverr for lawn care.
Sam (as Voiceover): Honda-preneur.
[Stock audio of a car horn, intercut with a pulled clip from a Japanese-language Honda presentation]
Scene: MLM (8:21)
(Character breakdown: Linda and Spencer are sleazy salespeople, at least at first – false sincerity and shit-eating grins; Dr. Mesmer has an over-the-top German accent.)
[Exciting, game show-y music to hype up an audience of rubes; audience applause]
Sam (as Announcer): And now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the faces of CanWay, Spencer and Linda!!
[Bigger audience applause]
Sam and Janet (as Spencer and Linda, ad libbing): Hey! How's it going? What's up guys?
[Music fades]
Janet (as Linda): Hey Spencer, what are all these incredible people doing here?
Sam (as Spencer): I dunno Linda, do you think they wanna hear about how they can make a 6-figure income with their very own business??
[Cheers from audience]
Janet (as Linda): Are you sure??
[Cheers from audience]
Sam (as Spencer): Haha well okay then. Strap in, folks, cause we're about to change your life.
Janet (as Linda): Here at CanWay, you get to earn real cash –
Sam (as Spencer): As much as 6 figures!
Janet (as Linda): All you have to do is recruit all your friends into the business, too!
Sam (as Spencer): Say Linda, that sounds an awful lot like a pyramid scheme.
[Boos]
Janet (as Linda): Well Spencer, do I look like a pharaoh to you?
[Audience cheers]
Sam (as Spencer, sincere for a moment): Well no, but that's really not a good argument-
Janet (as Linda): Just say the line, Spencer.
Sam (as Spencer): Sorry. Pharaoh enough, Linda!
Janet (as Linda): A pyramid scheme doesn’t sell anything, it just recruits people. Does that sound like us?
Sam (as Spencer): Yeah, great point, Linda. Why don’t you tell the folks about our amazing products?
Janet (as Linda): You bet, Spencer. Who here gets bad breath sometimes?
[Cheers]
Sam (as Spencer): I sure do!
Janet (as Linda): Well, get ready to have your minds blown. When you become a franchise owner with CanWay, you’ll start selling an incredible product guaranteed to mask even the worst halitosis: mints!
[Oohs and aahs]
Sam (as Spencer): Huh.
Janet (as Linda): That’s right, Spencer, I’m speechless too.
Sam (as Spencer): How much are these mints, again?
Janet (as Linda): Our special starter kit of 10 mints costs only $199.99. Premium members get a bonus spearmint! Try one, Spencer!
Sam (as Spencer): Yeah, that’s not bad…
Janet (as Linda): Hey folks, who here has friends?
[Audience cheers]
Sam (as Spencer): And don't you want to share this exciting opportunity with your friends??
Janet (as Linda): And then profit off of them when they join?
[Audience cheers]
Sam (as Spencer, sincere): We could probably make that sound a bit less bloodthirsty, you know?
Janet (as Linda, agitated): I swear to god, Spencer, stick to the script.
Sam (as Spencer): Yeah, but, the next part of the script is where we teach them how to trick their friends into attending these events against their will…
Janet (as Linda): Spencer! Look at me! Stop!
Sam (as Spencer): That’s just a recipe to lose all your friends…
Janet (as Linda): Spencer, say the trigger words with me: 6-figure income! 6-figure income!
Sam (as Spencer):  No, it’s- it’s almost as if this is a big scam-
Janet (as Linda): The trigger words aren’t working! The effect is wearing off! Get the doctor in here!
Sam (as Spencer): No one’s ever made 6 figures from this…It’s like they’re exploiting a bunch of suckers…
Janet (as Linda): Dr Mesmer, at last!
Sam (as Dr Mesmer): Spencer. On ze count of sree, I vill say ze vords ‘6 figure income’. You vill cooperate immediately.
Sam (as Spencer): No…No! I want to be free at last from the shackles of–
Sam (as Dr Mesmer): Von, too, sree! 6 figure income!
[A beat]
Sam (as Spencer, slimy again): Hey folks! Who here wants to learn about an exciting opportunity to make a 6-figure income! Pharaoh enough. Whaddaya say, Linda?
Janet (as Linda, now she’s sincere): Wait…it…it kind of is all about tricking your friends…I think…maybe it is a pyramid-
Sam (as Spencer): Code red code red she’s gonna say it!
[Boots, machine gun; a beat]
Sam (as Spencer): So, how you feeling tonight, folks? Ready to make some money??
[Audience cheers]
Blackout: Cavemen, part 2 (10:59)
(Character breakdown: as in part 1.)
Janet (as Voiceover): And now, a dramatic reenactment of the very second entrepreneur…
[Jungle noises: animals, wind]
Sam (as Caveman 1): Me invent wheel!
[Ooohs & aaaahs]
Janet (as Caveman 2): Me want wheel! Me give you lots of shiny things!
Sam (as Caveman 1): Deal.
[Ch-ching! of a cash register]
Sam (as Caveman 1): Now me invent better wheel!
[Ooohs & aaaahs]
Janet (as Caveman 2): What? But me have wheel!
Sam (as Caveman 1): That old model. New model sexier.
Janet (as Caveman 2): This wheel sexy, though.
Sam (as Caveman 1): Good luck finding mate with boring old wheel.
Janet (as Caveman 2): Oh. Okay, here’s more shiny things.
[Ch-ching! of a cash register]
Sam (as Caveman 1): That wheel boring.
Janet (as Caveman 2): What??
Sam (as Caveman 1): Now me invent faster wheel!
Janet (as Caveman 2): Me club you on head!
[Bonk!]
Scene: Work It is Open for Business (11:47)
[Bland tango muzak in background]
Janet: You know what, Sam? All this talk of Entrepreneurship has got me excited.
Sam: I know what you mean, it’s like, you look around at all these entrepreneurs with all their products making all this money and it’s just so inspiring. It’s like…
Janet: It’s like, if these airheaded, himbo dingbats can get rich million dollar seed-rounds for their stupid app idea, why not us?
Sam: Exactly! The glories of capitalism.
Janet: When you’re young, attractive and confident –
Sam: That’s a check, check, double check for team Work It.
Janet: – The world is your oyster.
Sam: Now, Janet. As you know there are certain rules in place about us using the show to make money.
Janet: Ah, but Sam: I do believe I’ve found a loophole.
Sam: I’m all ears.
Janet: What if… we ignored them.
Sam: Janet, you genius.
Janet: Work It is Open for Business!
Sam: Let the pitching begin.
[Background music changes to something with a bit more punch – synth-heavy 80s training montage music; Sam and Janet speak as if giving ‘pitches’, i.e. quickly, efficiently and with confidence]
Janet: Okay, so you know how when you’re ordering Chinese delivery, and you’re like, “Well, I like the Singapore noodles from Forbidden City, but the spring rolls from Empress Wok, and then there’s the new place in Dundas” and you’re like, “I wish I could place the perfect Chinese food order” –
Sam: A multi-restaurant delivery service!
Janet: Oh, that’s good too. No, my pitch is Mr. Noodles on the blockchain.
Sam: Love it! So, you know how, the older you get, the harder it is to drink like you used to when you were in your twenties.
Janet: Do I ever!
Sam: Okay, so this is a wearable that detects when you’re having a beer and sends you a reminder.
Janet: A reminder to go easy and avoid a headache?
Sam: No, ding-bat, a reminder that you’ve only got 8 in the fridge. Better grab another two-four for the night, that should get you by till the LC opens in the morning. Actually, grab some whiskey too, you should be good till lunch.
Janet: Good bye, hangovers! So, you know how a company like Spotify is valued at something like thirty billion dollars and, for all that, their payouts to musicians are, like, fractions of a cent?
Sam: I know, it’s genius.
Janet: Not genius enough. Okay, so this is an app where you choose your favourite singer, and one of our agents tracks them down, kicks the crap out of them and takes whatever is in their purse or wallet.
Sam: So, instead of paying them a pittance…
Janet: We rob them outright. I call it Muggr – no e.
Sam: Like a Vance Joy after-show. So, Slack has basically revolutionized the way we do communication at work. My pitch is Slack, but it’s automated.
Janet: Efficient! But how would that even work?
Sam: So, when you open it, it’s just a stream of mildly amusing gifs every few seconds, and every hour there’s it posts some really stupid instruction like “Undo all the work you did today and do it the opposite way” and signs it management.
Janet: So it will post something like “You know how you asked me which way to do something because of the serious implications and I said do it one way? Well, I changed my mind, do it the other way.” …
Sam: And signs it, Management.
Janet: That’s so streamlined, it completely replaces the need for manual workplace communication. But Sam, I’m noticing a disturbing pattern.
Sam: I do too. We’ve got a food app, a music app –
Janet: A messaging app, a wearable –
Sam: No, no. We can do better. Think, damn it, think.
Janet: [Snaps!] I’ve got it. What about a website where, when you go to it, you watch pornography. It’s porn, I’m pitching porn.
Sam: Brilliant! And when you watch it, you can do that thing where you assault your privates into a washcloth.
Janet: Sam, I think we’re going to be very, very rich.
Sam: Janet, sometimes we’re so smart it scares me.
Extended Blackout: MindZap (14:44)
(Character breakdown: the Receptionist is friendly and peppy; the Customer begins as tentative and indecisive; the Dr. is a German mad scientist.)
[A business’s door opens with chimes]
Janet (as Receptionist): Hello and welcome to MindZap – “think like an entrepreneur!”
Sam (as Customer): Uh, hi, I’m here for a session on, uh, entrepreneurial mindset?
Janet (as Receptionist): And not a second too late! Dr?
[Footsteps as they’re walking]
Sam (as Dr.): Ah, yes, entrepreneurial mindset, eh? You know, it can be a jolly hard thing to mentor someone in this – oh yes, many lessons about risk and dedication – dear, dear, very boring.
Sam (as Customer): I see.
[Creek – they pass through a door to a back room]
Sam (as Dr.): Luckily – oh, just have a seat here – very good – luckily, we’ve circumvented all that. Just put on this helmet and…
[Electronic noises and zapping, continuous as the process is completed]
Sam (as Customer, stilted, as if being brainwashed or under duress): Growth-hack your personal brand. Let me show you how.
[A beat; the process continues:]
Back on my grind, #success-win girlboss.
[The machine powers down; the process is complete; the customer’s voice has been ‘taken over’ by spliced clips of entrepreneurial jagoff Gary Vaynerchuk or however you spell it]
Gary: I am not interested in judging people's hustle. I'm interested in telling people how I've accomplished what I've accomplished.
Sam (as Dr.): Success! A perfect a–[censor beep]hole!
Scene: The 7 Stages of Being Your Own Boss (15:39)
(Character breakdown: the Worker is a millennial woman who is outwardly optimistic and upbeat; the Boss is gruff and rough, like a cartoony New Yorker dock worker accent, with a reverb effect on him to signal that he’s in her imagination.)
Janet (as Voiceover): The 7 stages of being your own boss. Stage 1: the honeymoon period.
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Worker): I’m so excited to finally be running my own business! No one looking over my shoulder, no one to report to, just me, myself, and I!
[A poof! as the Boss appears in her mind]
Sam (as Boss): Happy to have me aboard!
Janet (as Worker): Who are you??
Sam (as Boss): I'm you! Or rather I'm us! The boss version of us.
Janet (as Worker): Wait, so you’re me…
Sam (as Boss): And I’m you.
Janet (as Worker): Wow, so I really am my own boss.
Sam (as Boss): You got it. Now let’s get to work, Me!
Janet (as Worker): Yeah! Let’s do this, ‘boss’!
[Typing]
Janet (as Voiceover): Being your own boss, stage 2: the benefits.
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Worker): Hm, things are going pretty well. I wonder what I’ll do with this budget surplus…reinvest, maybe?
[Poof!]
Sam (as Boss): Hey, Me. Good news! I’ve decided what to do with this money.
Janet (as Worker): Oh yeah? What’s that, boss?
Sam (as Boss): I’m giving us a raise!
Janet (as Worker): Nice! I love being my own boss!
Janet (as Voiceover): Being your own boss, stage 3: nepotism.
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Worker): Hm, there’s some specialised work we need to get done. I guess we should contract that out.
[Poof!]
Sam (as Boss): Listen up, Me! I’ve found just the right person for the job - our cousin Herbert!
Janet (as Worker): Wait, does Cousin Herbert even do this stuff? He’s kind of a dumbass, too…
Sam (as Boss): Doesn’t matter, his rates are cheap and this way Auntie Doris will get off our butt.
Janet (as Worker): Okay…I guess that makes sense.
Janet (as Voiceover): Being your own boss, stage 4: mediating.
[Brief organ fanfare; typing]
Janet (as Worker): Ugh I'll never get this stupid report done. I'm so useless!
[Poof!]
Sam (as Boss): Hey! Did I hear negativity over here?
Janet (as Worker): Look, it's nothing, I just got a bit upset.
Sam (as Boss): Uh huh, and you decided to take it out on yourself, did you?
Janet (as Worker): I guess that was uncalled-for.
Sam (as Boss): Tell yourself you're sorry.
Janet (as Worker): Uh, sorry, me.
Sam (as Boss): And do you accept your apology?
Janet (as Worker): Yes?
Sam (as Boss): Good. I don't want to hear about this again, understand?
Janet (as Voiceover): Being your own boss, stage 5: micro-management.
[Typing]
Janet (as Worker): [Reading as she writes] If granted this funding, we could implement our 3-part plan for-
[Poof!]
Sam (as Boss): Yeah hey, I'm gonna need you to go over that wording again.
Janet (as Worker): What? What's wrong with it?
Sam (as Boss): ‘3-part plan’? What is this, an obituary? I've never been so bored in my life.
Janet (as Worker): Fine, what would you call it?
Sam (as Boss): Uh…our vision! Multi-phase vision!
[Typing]
Janet (as Worker): Multi-phase… Vision… I dunno, I don't see why that's so much better-
Sam (as Boss): WHO'S THE BOSS HERE?!
Janet (as Worker): Sigh. I am. I mean, you are. We are?
Sam (as Boss): And don't we forget it.
Janet (as Voiceover): Being your own boss, stage 6: discipline.
[Brief organ fanfare]
[Knocking on an office door; poof!]
Janet (as Worker): Uh, you wanted to see me? I- I mean, I wanted to see me?
Sam (as Boss): Ah yes. Have a seat. I think you know what this is about.
Janet (as Worker): Is it the lack of productivity?
Sam (as Boss): And what else?
Janet (as Worker): Uh… The constant verbal self-harassment? The self-sabotage? The inappropriate touching?
Sam (as Boss): What do I have to say for myself?
Janet (as Worker): Look, I've been going through a lot of stuff. I don't really want to go into it-
Sam (as Boss): Wait wait wait, hey voiceover lady? Can you do the thing one more time?
Janet (as Voiceover): Being your own boss, stage 7.
Sam (as Boss): You're fired!
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Worker): Aw, man.
[A beat; on fadeout…]
Janet (as Worker): You mean, “I'm fired”?
Sam (as Boss): Whatever, get the hell outta here.
(Muttering to self:)
Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya, eh that’s a good kid, she’ll be alright...
Blackout: Shark Tank (19:31)
Sam (as Voiceover): This week, on Shark Tank.
[Dramatic, tense ambient music in background]
Janet (as Pitcher): ...As you can see, our quarterly targets are being smashed, our market share is exploding, and we daresay we’ve got a unicorn on our hands. So, Sharks, do we have a deal?
[A beat, then: Shark sounds – water splashing; the victim thrashing in the water; the music from Jaws – and the sounds of a woman screaming in pain]
Scene: Juicero (19:50)
(Scene and character breakdown: this is a movie trailer parody, complete with numerous cuts; the Voiceover is dramatic, gripping, deep and reverb-soaked, like a movie trailer announcer; the Executive is a succinct businesswoman; Doug sounds jock-y and confident; the Tramp sounds like a caricature of the down-and-out – if Chaplin had talked, or something from Godot.)
[Tense, cinematic music in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Coming this Summer: In the tradition of The Founder, Jobs, and The Aviator, a story of the entrepreneurial spirit that will blow you away.
[Music ends as we cut to: office ambiance in background]
Janet (as Executive): Doug, I think you’re gonna want to turn on the news. They’re saying we’re worth almost 120 million!
Sam (as Doug): Is that right?
[Click of TV turning on]
Janet (as Reporter, from TV): …Turning to business, in a classic case of irrational exuberance, Silicon Valley startup Juicero has been valued at 118.5 million dollars. Now, obviously a company this stupid isn’t actually worth–
[Click of TV turning off]
Janet (as Executive): We’ve done it, Doug. We’re a hit.
Sam (as Doug): No. We’re just getting started.
[Office ambiance ends as we cut to: new age-y ambient music in background, of an innovation conference, say]
Sam (as Voiceover): In a world where thirst is inevitable, only one man saw the opportunity to quench it.
Janet (as Announcer): Please welcome to the stage, Doug Evans.
[Audience applause]
Sam (as Doug, delivering keynote): Apples. Oranges. I love eating them, you love eating them – heck! – pretty much everyone loves eating them, don’t they? But have you ever tried… drinking them?
[Audience gasps]
Sam (as Doug): Ladies and gentlemen, my new startup Juicero will transform previously undrinkable solids into delicious, refreshing liquids.
[Whir of juicer turning on]
[Rapturous applause, continuous]
Sam (as Doug): Carrots! Beets! Grapes! All liquid, all drinkable, all Juicero!
[Wild cheering]
Sam (as Doug): Thank you! Thank you!
[The keynote ends as we cut to: background office ambience]
Sam (as Voiceover): But success came at a cost.
Janet (as Employee 1): Sir, we can’t possibly juice these things. I mean, a chainsaw? the Grand Canyon? your Prius? They’re just not juicable!
Sam (as Doug): You go back and you tell your team they’re not leaving till everything is juiced!
[A door opening]
Janet (as Secretary): Your wife on line 2, Doug.
Sam (as Doug): Tell her I’m busy!
[Beat]
Well, what are you standing around for? Juice my Prius!
[The office ambiance ends and we cut to: a meeting, it’s quiet]
Sam (as Voiceover): The shocking story of one entrepreneur’s rise… and fall!
Sam (as Doug): The earnings report is all wrong, crunch the numbers again.
Janet (as Executive): Doug, I’ve got bad news. Take a seat: juice already exists.
Sam (as Doug): No! We invented it! We charged $400 to make juice! We did that.
Janet (as Executive): Damn it, Doug! Juice already exists.
Sam (as Doug): Well, what’s its market share?
Janet (as Executive): What is “juice”’s share of the total market for juice?
Sam (as Doug): Yes, damn it!
Janet (as Executive): 100%, it’s all of it.
Sam (as Doug): I see…
[Beat]
Ours for the taking.
Janet (as Executive): Good bye, Doug.
[Door close, and we cut to: dramatic cinematic music in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Squeezed: The Story of Juicero CEO, Doug Evans. Coming soon from Widget Media.
[Music ends and we cut to: thunder, rain, and street sounds in background]
Sam (as Doug): They took everything from me! I’m ruined.
Janet (as Tramp): Sorry to hear that, Mister.
Sam (as Doug): Look at me. On the street. Drinking water from the gutter.
Janet (as Tramp): It’s not so bad!
Sam (as Doug): Not so bad? It’s full of bugs! And sh–[censor beep]t! It’s… ! It’s…!
Janet (as Tramp): It’s what, Mister?
Sam (as Doug): It’s Raw Water.
[Brief sting of exciting, cinematic music]
Blackout: Cavemen, part 3 (22:44)
(Character breakdown: as in parts 1 and 2.)
Janet (as Voiceover): And now, a dramatic reenactment of the very third entrepreneur…
[Jungle noises: animals, wind]
Sam (as Caveman 1): Me invent spear!
[Oooohs & aaaahs]
Janet (as Caveman 2): What so good about spear? Me like club.
Sam (as Caveman 1): Spear kill mammoth fast. More food.
Janet (as Caveman 2): Me think mammoths on the way out. Sabre-toothed tiger next big thing!
Sam (as Caveman 1): You dummy.
[Animal roar; after initial roar, roars are continuous in background]
Janet (as Caveman 2): Oh no, sabre-toothed tiger! Quick, use spear!
Sam (as Caveman 1): Spear optimised for mammoth!
Janet (as Caveman 2): That no matter! Kill tiger!
Sam (as Caveman 1): What in it for me?
Janet (as Caveman 2): Save us!
Sam (as Caveman 1): Give me shiny things?
Janet (as Caveman 2): No time!
[Sound of tiger sloppily eating meat]
Janet (as Caveman 2): Aaaaarrrrgghhhh!
Sam (as Caveman 1): Hm. Not my problem. Wait- go away, Tiger!
[Tiger eating]
Sam (as Caveman 1): Aaaaarrrggghhhh! My loincloth!
Scene: Bootstraps (23:29)
[Bland jazzy muzak in background]
Sam: Siiigghhh…
Janet: What’s wrong, Sam?
Sam: Janet, I’m starting to think I’ll never realise my dream of starting a business.
Janet: Aww, how come? Cause you’ve never actually come up with a commercially-appealing innovation?
Sam: No…
Janet: Cause it’s madness to start a business in the current economic climate?
Sam: No…
Janet: Cause you’re lazy?
Sam: No!
Janet: Huh.
Sam: My problem is that I don’t have any money. How will I ever start a business from the ground up?
Janet: Oh, it can’t be that hard. Think of all the entrepreneurs before you who pulled themselves up by their bootstraps!
Sam: I’m telling you, Janet, it’s impossible!
Janet: No way, Sam. I mean, look at Michael Dell, founder of Dell Computers. He was a broke college student when he founded his company, and he ran it out of his dorm!
Sam: Okay…
Janet: He got started with an initial investment of $1,000!
Sam: Well great, maybe I can learn from him. So how’d he get that first investment to kickstart his business?
Janet: Oh, you know. He, uh, knew some people.
Sam: But how did he connect with them? That’s what I need to know!
Janet: Well…it was his family.
Sam: Oh.
Janet: What?
Sam: Okay. Guess I wasn’t clear. I need a way to start a business, from the ground up. Without convenient family investments.
Janet: Well…okay, look at Sam Walton, founder of Wal-Mart. When he opened his first general store, he was famously broke! And he built it into one of the most insidious corporations out there!
Sam: But if he was so broke, how did he get the store in the first place?
Janet: Oh, that. Uh, he got a $25,000 loan from his father-in-law. But from THERE-
Sam: What did I just say?? No family!
Janet: So in-laws are family?
That’s about $350,000 in today’s money, by the way.
Sam: This. Isn’t. Helpful.
Janet: Fine fine fine. Here’s someone who’s famous for starting from nothing. Daymond John, founder of FUBU apparel, was completely broke when he started the company.
Sam: Actually broke?
Janet: Sam, he was so broke, he even wrote a book called ‘The Power of Broke’, about how broke he was when he started out.
Sam: That sounds inspiring. So how did he claw his way out of brokeness to get his company started?
Janet: Well, you know. Grit.
Sam: Uh huh…
Janet: Determination.
Sam: Anything else?
Janet: Ummmmm, his mom mortgaged her home for $100,000 so he could get off the ground.
Sam: Come on!
Janet: But it was mostly grit!
Sam: I don’t have any of that, either.
Janet: Okay, more self-made business moguls. Ummm, how about, uh…Donald Trump?
Sam: Who inherited untold hundreds of millions from his father?
Janet: Doug…Ford?…
Sam: Who inherited a multi-million-dollar business from his dad?
Janet: Paris Hilton? Howard Hughes? Bumblebee director Travis Knight?
Sam: Heir, heir, and heir/artistic genius. See??
[Fading out]
Janet: Ugh, maybe you’re right. Anyway, are you proud of me for getting through an entire sketch about bootstrapping stories without making a Ragged Dick joke?
Sam (‘catching her red-handed’): Ah, you just did it there!
Janet: Oh.
Extended Blackout: Inspiring Quotes (26:05)
[Bland jazzy muzak in background]
Janet: Being an entrepreneur is hard work.
Sam: It takes vision, commitment, and drive.
Janet: Most of all, it takes inspiration.
Sam: In a recent blog post at BigCommerce.com, a number of inspiring entrepreneurs shared the quotes that inspire them.
Janet: So listen up, and maybe you too will follow your dreams and achieve the impossible.
Sam: Let’s get inspired!
Sam (as Voiceover): The favourite quotes of inspiring entrepreneurs.
Sam: “All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.” Walt Disney, favourite quote of April Williams, whose company sells edible wedding favours. Stay courageous, April, and don’t stop dreaming!
Janet: “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena…” Teddy Roosevelt, favourite quote of Scott Anderson, whose company sells steel ball chain spools. To you, sir, we give the credit!
Sam: “Be so good they can’t ignore you.” Steve Martin, favourite quote of Maria Taverner, whose company sells holiday fruit hampers. She’s right, these hampers are that good!
Janet: “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” Mahatma Gandhi, favourite quote of Jaclyn Miramontes, whose company has a Carrie Bradshaw Top-Nude for $10 off. Gandhi would be so proud!
Sam: “An entrepreneur tends to bite off more than he can chew hoping he’ll quickly learn to chew it.” Roy Ash, favourite quote of Dennis Christo, owner of a company making tactical knives. The mark of a true philosopher is his tactical knife.
Janet: “A ship in the harbour is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.” John Shedd, favourite quote of Matt English, whose company sells radio frequency identification products. I feel like adventuring on the high-seas just thinking about RFID tags!
Sam: “If you don’t have big dreams and goals. you’ll end up working for someone who does..” Anonymous, favourite quote of Naseem Dalal, whose company sells leather motorcycle vests. Can you even imagine a bigger dream than selling a leather vest to a 400 pound biker named Six-Pack? You can’t, can you?
Janet: “Knowledge without action is meaningless.” Abu Bakr, favourite quote of Sabina King, co-founder of an e-cig company. You know, a vape pen without premium e-liquid is meaningless too. Deep stuff.
Sam: “Service is the rent we pay for being.” Marian Wright Edelman, favourite quote of Sebastian Tarver, President of Boybeads, who sell beads for boys. Ooh, here’s one with a skull on it – that’s the rent we pay for being totally bad*ss! *Ch-ching!*
Janet: So what have we learned, Sam?
Sam: That inspiring quotes make inspiring people?
Janet: No. That entrepreneurs think selling tactical knives make them f–[censor beep]cking Gandhi.
[Brief comedy music sting – duh duddle duh-duh, dun dun!]
Scene: Outro (28:41)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: Entrepreneurship – boom! Work It number 10 – boom! Done. Arrivederci. Bazinga! Topanga!
Sorry, I don’t know what came over me. What I meant to say was, what a fun episode. You know, it takes a special kind of person to be an entrepreneur. Someone with an idea. And that idea is: “I guess someone should exploit the surplus value of labour. Gosh, why not me?”
But seriously, my little revolutionaries, before you run off and start the next Juicero or Theranos, I must insist: follow us at @workitpod on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. And hey, YouTube’s good too – there ain’t nowhere we’re too proud to peddle our wares.
Well, moon doggie, see ya next time.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]