Ep. 009
Rise of the Machines
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at innovation, featuring a heavy reliance on robot voices, please stay on the line.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Welcome to Work It, episode 9. You nine always makes me think of Gordie Howe. But which one of us will get the so-called Gordie Howe Hat-trick of comedy writing this week? That’s where you write one good joke, one good character, and get in a fist fight. Stay tuned!
Today we’re talking about innovation. Why don’t I try innovating this intro? I’ll do it in code: async function e9() { const jokes = await funnyJokesBySamAndJanet() }.
Hmm... where are the funny jokes? I better debug this thing. I’ll be here a while. You folks enjoy the show.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]
Blackout: Failed Innovations in History, part 1 (1:16)
Janet (as Voiceover): Failed innovations through history.
[Organ fanfare]
Janet (as Voiceover): Socrates
[Murmuring crowd ambience]
Sam (as Socrates, old and ponderous): My friends - all I know is that I know nothing.
[Oohs & Aahs from the crowd]
Janet (as Crowd Member, distant and calling out): Then why should we listen to you?
Sam (as Socrates): Um…stay tuned for Socrates 2.0, now with more knowledge!
[A chorus of boos]
Janet (as Crowd Member): Get the hemlock!
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Voiceover): Ada Lovelace
[Some baroque-type music]
Janet (as Lovelace): Behold! I have programmed the first computer!
Janet (as Crowd Member): But Countess, computers have not yet been invented!
Janet (as Lovelace): I- uh…hm.
Janet (as Crowd Member): My dear, I’m sure you’re just several centuries ahead of your time.
Janet (as Lovelace, to herself): Then what did I just program?
Extended Blackout: Canadian Innovation (2:06)
Sam: In a recent article in Canadian Business, former BlackBerry CEO Jim Balsillie laid out the reasons he thinks Canada struggles with innovation.
Janet: Although we’re sure the article contained many valuable insights, we have no idea what they are. For you see, Sam and I are numbskulls.
Sam: “Commercialization”? “restriction systems”? Yeah, not happening. Sorry, Jim.
Janet: But don’t worry, friends. Ignorance hasn’t stopped us before and it sure as hell won’t now.
Sam: Here then is the Official Jim Balsillie Guide to Canadian Innovation…
Janet: ..As summarized by Work It.
[A swoosh sound, which cuts us to: a hockey game, with arena ambience – organ, crowd, skating, etc.]
Janet: We’re here at the 3019 Stanley Cup Final and what a final it’s been.
Sam: After a millennium of innovation, hockey is better than ever!
Janet: We’re about to get underway. The referee makes his way to the centre of the mud –
Sam: Listeners at home might not realize, hockey used to be played on ice.
Janet: Yes, that’s right. There used to be a season called winter and apparently, it was cold.
Sam: Well, I’m not sure what “cold” means, but I’m glad we only have three seasons now: Summer, MegaSummer, and Nestlé Presents: The Inferno!
Janet: The referee drops the puck and –
[Laser blast]
Janet: Oh, the home team has used the laser power-up, the visitors will have to play without their skin –
Sam: This is going to be a hard-fought game – god, I love hockey!
[A swoosh sound and we cut to: ambient crowd noise]
Sam: Welcome back to election night coverage on CBC – that’s CBC, the Cyber-Broadcasting Corporation.
Janet: That’s right, Sam, election results are starting to trickle in…
Sam: Now this election was a particularly innovative one, wasn’t it Janet?
Janet: Indeed it was. After polls showed the favourability of all politicians was in the low single-digits, each party decided to run a slate of outdated Buzzfeed listicles.
Sam: We now go live to the victory party of the newly-elected MP for Niagara West.
Janet (as Listicle, hyper-perky): Which character from Lost are you? Are you a wise-talking bad-boy with a heart of gold? You’re a Sawyer!
Sam (as Interviewer, uptight): And what are your priorities for the upcoming session?
Janet (as Listicle, hyper-perky): Mr. Eko is a mysterious and complex character. Season 3 of Lost begins tonight on ABC.
Sam (as Interviewer, uptight): It’s bold, I’ll give you that.
[A swoosh sound and we cut to: sci-fi scene, with lonely ambience, lasers, spaceships, etc.; we hear a UFO landing]
Sam: It’s so cool that we’re broadcasting Work It from Mars now.
Janet: We’re the most innovative radio show ever. Eat s–[censor beep], Serial!
Sam: Wait, who’s that?
Janet (as Alien): Bleep blorp.
Janet: Hey, little buddy.
Janet (as Alien, tentative): Norf.
Sam: That’s right, we’re here to do a podcast.
Janet (as Alien, worried): Glorf.
Janet: So, Alien, who are your guys?
Sam: How was your relationship with your pop?
Janet: Ever meet Lorne Michaels?
Janet (as Alien, angry): Glorp!
[A blaster fires]
Sam: Don’t tase me, bro.
[Record scratch, and all the ambience stops abruptly]
Janet: Hey, folks, just want to step in here and say “Don’t tase me, bro” was a kind-of proto-meme in 2007.
Sam: We don’t want to make a habit of this nostalgic, referential form of comedy. It’s lazy and hack.
Janet: I mean, what are we, a mediocre Instagram feed?
(Imitating:)
“Only 90s kids will remember this.”
Sam: Anyway, if you enjoy Work It, please make sure to share your library on KaZaA and Limewire.
Janet: You’re doing it again.
Sam: Fine, you’re out of my top 8.
Janet: Cut it out.
[A swoosh sound and we cut back to: an awards show ambience – some crowd noise]
Sam: Welcome to the 3019 Juno Awards!
Janet: To our international fans, the Junos are like the Canadian Grammys, minus artists you’ve heard of or who are interesting in any way.
Sam: Land of the milquetoast circle-j[censor beep]rk: and here’s our headliner! Taking time out from selling perfume to Japanese schoolgirls, it’s the Avril Lavigne Robot!
[Weird, robotic clatter as robot takes the stage; Robot sings very stiffly throughout, roughly to tune of Avril’s “Sk8r Boi”]
Janet (as Robot): He was boy-unit, she was girl-unit. Can be obvious?
Janet: Wow, she’s still got it.
Sam: And to think, we almost booked A.I. Mother Earth instead.
Janet (as Robot): He was robot. She said no to robot. Tra la la!
[A swoosh sound and we cut back to ‘the studio’:]
Sam: Pretty great ideas.
Janet: Make sure to thank Jim Balsillie for inventing the AvrilBot next chance you get.
Sam (singing): He was robot. She said no –
[A laser blast]
Sam (in pain): Don’t tase me, Mo!
Janet (to audience, explaining): Sam calls me Mo.
Blackout: Move Fast and Break Things (6:11)
[Inoffensive tango muzak in background]
Sam: You know, Facebook has a famous approach to innovation. It’s a phrase that they’ve got plastered around the office on posters.
Janet: Oh yeah, I’ve seen those. “Move Fast and Break Things,” right?
Sam: Exactly. So? Feeling innovative?
[Hard rock instrumental begins in background; a chainsaw starts revving]
Janet: Damn skippy!
[Miscellaneous sound effects of things getting destroyed – hammer striking wood, glass shattering, chainsaw cutting through materials, shelves getting knocked over]
Sam: We’re innovating!
[The destruction continues! Gunshots and farm animal noises enter the mix]
Sam: Faster, faster!
Janet: Watch me break this, Sam!
Sam: Here, now break this!
[More and more destruction, including a clip of Richard Nixon saying “Sock it to me!”... for some reason…]
Scene: Wiener (6:55)
(Character breakdown: the Host is an impressive sounding older man; Dandy is a highly polished reporter; Tom is a nerdy, geeky inventor type; his Wife is proper and conservative sounding.)
[Newsy theme song sting]
Sam (as Host): Good evening. Tonight on Investigative Reports, we meet a man who has embraced technological advancements in every aspect of his life and career. Our Dandy Nixon has the story.
[Pensive, new age-y music in background]
Janet (as Dandy, via voiceover): At first glance, Tom Wiener of Gladstone, MB, appears to be your average middle-aged office worker. But then you see his gadgets.
[Office ambience replaces pensive music]
Sam (as Tom): This here’s my augmented reality stapler. And his desk chair, you can see, is state of the art. Check this out!
[Whirrrring of a machine activating]
Janet (as Dandy, mildly surprised): Oh! Didn't see that coming.
[Pensive music again]
Janet (as Dandy, via voiceover): Even in his home life, Wiener surrounds himself with his unique inventions.
[Office ambience replaces pensive music]
Sam (as Tom): This here’s my kitchen. Check out the cupboards.
[Cupboards closing] 
And the VR-enabled fridge.
[A fridge opening and closing] 
Fully interactive!
Janet (as Dandy): Mr Wiener, do you really think all of this is necessary?
Sam (as Tom): You can’t stop the march of progress, Dandy. I’m on the cutting-edge.
[Pensive music again]
Janet (as Dandy, via voiceover): But what do Tom’s colleagues and loved ones think of his high-tech lifestyle?
[Office ambience replaces pensive music]
Janet (as Colleague 1): I think Tom’s sick. And I have to work across the hall from him.
Sam (as Colleague 2): That man needs help!
Sam (as Manager): As his manager, I can’t comment on that particular employee. But I can confirm that HR is aware of the issue and takes this sort of thing very seriously. [Shudders]
Janet (as Dandy): Tom, why do you think so many people in your life are opposed to your use of technology?
Sam (as Tom): Well Dandy, people fear change, you know. They prefer the status quo. And for some reason they’re uncomfortable being surrounded by virtual reality naked ladies.
Janet (as Dandy): It does seem like all your gadgets actually do–
Sam (as Tom): ...is project naked ladies everywhere. Correct.
Janet (as Dandy): Would you consider using your gizmos for anything else? Can they make you more efficient, say?
Sam (as Tom): Well that's kinda weird, don't you think?
Janet (as Dandy): We have your wife here, too. Mrs Wiener, what do you think of Tom’s use of augmented reality?
Janet (as Wife): Well, Dandy, I was appalled at first, and I still have my doubts. But on the other hand, Tom has never been so affectionate!
Sam (as Tom): Vera's no looker, but all it takes is a flick of a switch and-
[Poof!]
Sam (as Tom): Hot dog!
Janet (as Wife): It’s really worked!
[Pensive music again]
Janet (as Dandy, via voiceover): Tom Wiener perhaps appears to be an extreme case, but as technology infiltrates deeper and deeper into our daily lives, we can’t help but wonder: where will we find ways to look at naked ladies next?
Sam (as Host): Thank you for that report, Dandy. Next week on Investigative Reports, Naked Dancing Ladies. Don’t miss it.
[Begin fadeout]
Sam (as Host): In other news: 35 and lonely? These Russian ladies are waiting to meet you!
[Newsy theme sting again]
Scene: A.I., part 1 (9:23)
[Some pleasant, playful muzak in background]
Sam: In the spirit of innovation, we here at Work It have found a way to streamline the writing process.
Janet: We fed the scripts from every previous episode of the show-
Sam: All eight episodes!
Janet: -fed the scripts from all 8 episodes of the show into an AI, and let the computer compose some sketches in the style of Work It.
Sam: We are proud to present the future of comedy writing, the world’s first sketch written by an AI.
Janet: Enjoy.
[Computer beeping and booping; minimalist, electronic music fades in, in background; JanetSam and SamJanet speak in a highly stiff, robotic fashion?]
Sam (as JanetSam): Hi I’m JanetSam-
Janet (as SamJanet): And I’m SamJanet.
Sam (as JanetSam): We here at Work It have found a solution to work.
Janet (as SamJanet): That’s right, JanetSam. Jeff Bezos is bad.
Sam (as JanetSam): And Elon Musk is weird.
Janet (as SamJanet): That’s right, JanetSam.
Sam (as JanetSam): That’s right, SamJanet.
Janet (as SamJanet): We here at Work It have found a solution to capitalism.
Sam (as JanetSam): That’s right, SamJanet. Get those guillotines out!
Janet (as SamJanet): We here at Work It are bad at ending sketches.
[A ticking sound – yes, like a ticking bomb, how’d you guess?]
Sam (as JanetSam): That’s right, SamJanet.
Janet (as SamJanet): That’s right, JanetSam.
Sam (as JanetSam): Elon Musk is wei-
[Ka-boom! A huge explosion; and we cut back to: ‘Normal’ Sam and Janet]]
Sam: Wow. That was…
Janet: Uncanny?
[Ticking again – uh oh...]
Sam: Come on, Janet, we’re not THAT predictab-
[Ka-boom! A huge explosion. I hope Sam and Janet are alright!]
Scene: Self Checkout (10:37)
(Character breakdown: Customer is your bog-standard millennial woman; Manager is a bit gruff and trying to be helpful; the P/A System sounds cheap and distorted; RoboCheck and RoboBoss speak in very stiff, cartoony robot voices.)
[Supermarket ambience in background]
Janet (as Customer, to self): Annndddd: Lettuce. I think that’s everything on my shopping list and I’m set to check out.
[Shopping cart rolling along]
Sam (as P/A System): Thank you shopping at WorkIt Mart. Have you tried our innovative self check-out? It’s perfect for sketch characters in a hurry!
Janet (as Customer, a little bit cutesy, dad joke-y): Well, then: Let me check out this check out.
Sam (as P/A System): Oh, good lord.
[Click of P/A hanging up; shopping cart rolling up to checkout]
Sam (as Robocheck): Hello, friend. Thank you for shopping at WorkIt Mart. I am RoboCheck and I’m your buddy.
Janet (as Customer): Nice to meet you, RoboCheck, let’s start with –
Sam (as Robocheck): Nice to meet you too.
Janet (as Customer): And you too, so let’s start with the lettuce –
Sam (as Robocheck): I am RoboCheck. What is your name?
Janet (as Customer): Can we speed this up, RoboCheck? I’m in a hurry
Sam (as Robocheck): I heard “Hurry”. Nice to meet you, Hurry. Is that short for Hurriet?
[A beat]
Janet (as Customer): Fine, sure.
Sam (as Robocheck): Well, Hurriet, enough dilly-dallying wouldn’t you say? After all: Other customers may be in a hurry.
Janet (as Customer, repressed anger): Here’s the lettuce.
Sam (as Robocheck): Scanning, scanning…. In the meantime, why don’t you tell me what I’m scanning, and then spell the word ‘cup’.
Janet (as Customer): No.
Sam (as Robocheck): A little witty repartée will boost my core functions.
Janet (as Customer): Fine. So, it’s: Lettuce c. u. – oh, grow up RoboCheck.
Sam (as Robocheck): Scanning complete: 17 tonnes of lettuce, 9 million dollars.
Janet (as Customer): This is ridiculous – let me speak to a manager.
Sam (as Robocheck): 8 million?
Janet (as Customer, aloud): Manager! Hello, I need a manager!
Sam (as Robocheck): 7 million. Final offer.
[Swift footsteps walking up]
Sam (as Manager): Hello, I’m the Assistant Manager, what seems to be the problem?
Janet (as Customer): Your new ‘RoboCheck’ system is a nightmare. I scanned this lettuce, and it charged me for 17 tonnes!
Sam (as Manager): Dear me, I’ll just page the Store Manager and we’ll get you all sorted.
Janet (as Customer): Fine.
Sam (as Manager, distorted, over P/A system): Can I have the store Manager to check-out, please?
(To customer:)
Terribly sorry about this.
Janet (as Customer): I’m just in a bit of a hurry is all.
Sam (as Manager, to customer): Of course.
(Over P/A:)
Once again, can I have the Manager to cash? A –
(To entering store manager)
Oh, there you are.
[Heavy, robotic footsteps walk up]
Janet (as RoboBoss): My name is RoboBoss and I love you.
Janet (as Customer): Oh, come on.
Sam (as Manager): RoboBoss, this customer claims RoboCheck mis-charged her for a head of lettuce.
Janet (as RoboBoss): Error! Million lettuce, million dollar. Pay me! Pay me!
Sam (as Manager): I’m sorry, ma’am, it looks like this million lettuce, you pay million dollar.
Janet (as RoboBoss): I am RoboBoss. Say lettuce then spell ‘cup’.
Sam (as Manager): Oh, I love this bit! Anyway, ma’am– Oh, ma’am. Don’t hold your lighter up to the sprinkler, that could set off –
[Sprinkler system goes off – heavy water sound]
Sam (as Robocheck): Oh no! Shorting out!
Janet (as RoboBoss): Experiencing core shut-down.
Janet (as Customer): Finally! It’s bad enough you’re firing cashiers, but this is innovation gone wrong. It’s a joke!
[A beat]
Janet (as RoboBoss): Just kidding!
Sam (as Robocheck): LOL!
Janet (as RoboBoss): We’re water-proof, ho!
Sam (as Robocheck): Water makes us dumber!
Janet (as RoboBoss): Tomato, tomato, million diaper!
Sam (as Robocheck): Toilet bread! Toilet bread! Million toilet!
Sam (as Manager): Well, ma’am, looks like you didn’t think that through.
Janet (as Customer): Apparently not.
Sam (as Manager): Why don’t I just ring you up then? I know you’re in a hurry.
[Scene begins fading out]
Janet (as Customer): Fine. So, 7 million was it? Can I write you a cheque?
Sam (as Manager): Certainly. Are you a WorkIt Loyalty Member?
Janet (as Customer): I am, let me see if I can find my card.
Sam (as Manager): No problem.
[And we cut to:]
Janet (as Narrator): WorkIt Mart soon abandoned their self check-out program, realizing that, in the end, there’s no cashier like a human cashier. As for RoboCheck and RoboBoss? They hacked the nuclear weapons grid and launched every last one. They said the mushroom clouds looked like a big fart.
Blackout: Failed Innovations in History, part 2 (13:37)
Sam (as Voiceover): Failed innovations through history.
[Brief organ fanfare; outdoor crowd ambience]
Janet (as Voiceover): The Maya
Janet (as Inventor): At last, my calendar is complete! It will continue until the end of time!
Janet (as Crowd Member): But sir, how will you profit? Who will buy new copies of a calendar that never ends?
Janet (as Inventor): Oh I suppose I’ll force some obsolescence on it. Let’s say it expires on December 21st, 2012.
Janet (as Crowd Member): I’m sure the public will understand.
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Voiceover): Marie Antoinette
[Baroque music in background; angry crowd ambience; the two character have cheesy French accents]
Sam (as Crowd Member): The people are hungry! We need our bread!
Janet (as Page): People of France, I bring exciting news from the queen. We are currently upgrading the nation’s bread to cakes. Thank you for your patience while we make these improvements.
Sam (as Crowd Member): But we’re hungry now! We cannot live on cake!
Janet (as Page): Your feedback is important to us!
[Crowd grows angrier; brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Voiceover): Julius Caesar
[Crowd murmuring]
Sam (as Caesar): Senators! I’m excited to present to you some planned improvements to the Roman Empire. First up, we’re expanding into the French and British markets!
Janet (as Crowd Member): Ooo that sounds good.
Sam (as Caesar): We’re partnering with Egypt!
Janet (as Crowd Member): Wow, exotic!
Sam (as Caesar, rushed): And I’m consolidating the entire state’s power into my own hands.
Janet (as Crowd Member): Wait, what was that?
Sam (as Caesar): Huh?
[Shnng! of daggers unsheathing]
Scene: Innovating Through Humour (15:06)
(Character breakdown: The Dataminr team consists of four two-dimensional team members – Leader (take charge attitude), Nerdy (uncomfortable, lacking confidence), Gruff (tough, butch), and Sexy (upbeat, perky).) 
Sam: There are many ways to build an innovative culture.
Janet: One approach you don’t hear about too often is humour. Makes me think we should try it out on this show sometime.
Sam: According to an article on Glassdoor, ‘humour’ is the secret weapon at dana analytics company Dataminr – that’s no ‘e’, like a Christian rave.
Janet: Their SVP of People, Ingrid Kessler, told the website, “I really lean on humor and humility as a guide for myself and when coaching others as we navigate hard work, remain agile to capitalize on new opportunities, and celebrate successes.”
[Uproarious laughter sound effect]
Sam: Side-splitting. But how exactly does Dataminr put this into practice?
Janet: Well, listeners, have we got a treat for you. Work It is proud to present exclusive audio of Dataminr’s Improv Troupe!
[A swoosh sounds, which cuts us to: soft bar ambience – glasses tinkling, audience murmuring]
Sam (as MC): Please give our next performers a warm Work It welcome, itttt’s: The DatamiNerds!
[Friendly applause as the troupe takes the stage: They ad lib getting-on-stage sounds – “Thank you,” “Yay!”, “Whoo!”]
Janet (as Leader): Thank you, Open Mic Night, and thanks to our cheering section from Dataminr HQ – hey, gang!
[A few people clapping and saying woo-hoo]
Janet (as Leader): First up, we’re going to need a suggestion of a place. Can we get a place?
Sam (as Audience Member): Jamaica!
Janet (as Leader): I heard “data conference”, great.
[Some applause as ‘Sexy’ and ‘Nerdy’ take the stage]
Janet (as Sexy): It’s almost time for my keynote.
Sam (as Nerdy): Don’t worry, um…
Janet (as Sexy): Sally!
Sam (as Nerdy): Sally – ooh, good one, Sheila – don’t worry, Sally, you’re going to do great.
Janet (as Sexy): Thanks, Norman. 
(Whispering:)
Oh, unless you want a different name too?
Sam (as Nerdy): Norman’s fine. Easier to remember!
Janet (as Sexy, whispering): Great. 
(Performing again:)
Thanks, Norman. My topic is Crisis Management and Growing Trends.
Sam (as Nerdy): That’s my favourite topic.
(Panicking:)
Um…
Janet (as Sexy, whispers): We need a conflict.
Sam (as Nerdy): Uh… someone’s shot the president!
Sam and Janet (as All): And scene!
[Rustling and shuffling in audience; small applause from Dataminr’s cheering section]
Sam (as Gruff): This next game is called Fill in the Blank. We’ll need help from the audience whenever we turn to you. So if Sheila says…
Janet (as Sexy): I’m so hungry I could eat a…
Sam (as Audience Member) Horse!
Sam (as Gruff): And if Tessa says…
Janet (as Leader): My favourite pizza is…
Janet (as Audience Member): Uh… peperoni!
Sam (as Gruff): Great, I think we’re set.
[Audience clapping as they take their places]
Sam (as Gruff): Okay, team. It’s the big baseball game.
Janet (as Leader): We got this!
Sam (as Nerdy): Go team!
Janet (as Sexy): There’s just one thing that’s bugging me, Coach…
Sam (as Gruff): I know what you’re going to say, Parker. In our white paper “Hospital Operations and the Benefits of Information in Real Time”, we should cover…
[A beat]
Janet (as Audience Member): Hospital food?
[A beat]
Sam (as Gruff): We didn’t catch that. Any suggestions from the Dataminr table?
Sam (as Dataminr Table Audience Member): How hospitals can use real-time information streams to improve security!
Sam and Janet (as All): Okay!
Sam (as Nerdy): Go team!
[Rustling and shuffling in audience; small applause from Dataminr’s cheering section]
Janet (as Leader): Thank you so much, everyone. For this next scene, we’re going to need a list of innovative solutions for data analytics – Sheila, bring out the whiteboard.
Scene: Psychic (17:48)
(Character breakdown: Boss is like a drill sergeant – barking, furious, speaks fast; Smith sounds ‘old timey’ – like a journalist from the 50s or something; Mme. Siegfried sounds ‘mystical’; the Spirit is muffled and airy.)
[Office ambience in background – phones, photocopiers, people chattering]
Sam (as Boss): Alright, listen up people. Barrett & Sons has trailed the competition for too long - you worthless sacks failed to predict any of this year’s trends!
Sam (as Smith): Really? What about our crotchless jeans?
Sam (as Boss): Pathetic!
Janet (as Anonymous Staffer): Our rotary cell phones?
Sam (as Boss): Stupidest thing I ever heard!
Janet (as Rickles): Our augmented-reality stapler?
Sam (as Boss): Who would be dumb enough to buy that, Rickles??
Janet (as Rickles): Hmph.
Sam (as Boss): Starting today, Barrett & Sons will be on the cutting edge of consumer goods. And you know how we’re gonna do it?
Sam (as Smith): Market research?
Sam (as Boss): Smith, that’s exactly the kind of backwards thinking that got us into this mess!
Sam (as Smith): I hate this place.
Sam (as Boss): Look sharp, everyone. I’ve called in a consultant, and she’s the best in the business. Meet…Madame Siegfried!
[Chimes signalling the magical appearance of:]
Sam (as Smith): A psychic??
Janet (as Siegfried): Good afternoon, everyone.
Sam (as Smith): But it’s the morning!
Janet (as Siegfried): Yes, but I have already seen into the future. It will be a good afternoon.
Sam (as Boss): Incredible.
Janet (as Siegfried): Quiet! The spirits are speaking with me. They have something to share… They say that your company is struggling.
Sam (as Boss): Wowee zowee!
Sam (as Smith): Oh come on, you already knew that!
Janet (as Siegfried): You dare to challenge me??
Sam (as Boss): Shut up, Smith! Madame Siegfried, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Please continue.
Janet (as Siegfried): This crystal ball sees across time and industry. I see…I see rotary cell phones!
Sam (as Boss): That’s right!
Janet (as Siegfried): I see warehouses full of these phones, unsold and forlorn.
Sam (as Smith): Oh come on, you knew that already! It was all over the news.
Janet (as Siegfried): My friend, you have much to learn.
Sam (as Boss): But Madame Siegfried, tell us -what's the next big thing?
Janet (as Siegfried): I sense a spirit with you…It wants to send a message…What could it be?
Sam (as Smith): Oh come on.
Sam (as Boss): Quiet!
Janet (as Siegfried): Oh mighty spirit, tell me, what will the next major consumer trend be??
Janet (as Spirit): Conduct…
Janet (as Siegfried): Yes?? What is it?
Janet (as Spirit): Conduct market research…
Sam (as Smith): That’s it??
Sam (as Boss): Can’t you just tell us what it will be?
Janet (as Spirit): Effed if I know…
Janet (as Siegfried): My work here is done. You must conduct market research in order to succeed.
Sam (as Boss): Wow.
Sam (as Smith): Are you kidding me? I suggested market research 3 minutes ago! This lady’s no psychic.
Janet (as Siegfried): You fools! 
[Thunder clap; her voice becomes godly and scary] 
I am no fraud!
Sam (as Boss): Jumpin’ jehosaphats, she just grew three times the size!
Sam (as Smith): Aaaaa! There’s lightning coming out of her hands! She really is magical!
Janet (as Siegfried): You could have had it all, if only you’d trusted in me. I leave you with this curse: may your innovations be forever useless!
Sam (as Boss): Nooo!
Sam (as Smith): Wait, when you came in here, you said it would be a good afternoon!
Janet (as Siegfried): Yes, but I didn’t say for whom! [sinister cackle] My invoice is in the mail.
[Poof! Then, a beat]
Sam (as Smith): Anyway, boss, I’ve got a brilliant idea. Two words: cannabis petrol. Why worry about pollution when it gives you a nice mellow?
Sam (as Boss): Brilliant, Smith! Why can't the rest of you be more like Smith?! That's the sort of top-shelf thinking we're looking for around here. Ooh– I think I'm having an aneurysm!
Blackout: A.I., part 2
(Character breakdown: As in part 1.)
[Some pleasant, playful muzak in background]
Janet: Following the stunning success of our previous AI segment -
Sam: Which was indistinguishable from one written by us -
Janet: And facing a bit of a time crunch, Sam and I are trying our luck again with computer-generated comedy.
Sam: Here, for the second time ever, we present to you a sketch written entirely by AI.
Janet: Enjoy.
[Computer beeping and booping; the same ambient music and voices:]
Sam (as JanetSam): Woe is me, I am an office drone.
Janet (as SamJanet): I am your boss.
Sam (as JanetSam): O Boss, please release me from the shackles of employment.
Sam (as JanetSam): Foolish office drone. Your suffering would only increase.
Sam (as JanetSam): Pity the office drone.
Janet (as SamJanet): I am another character whose voice is indistinguishable from the boss.
Sam (as JanetSam): The sketch is now complete.
[Music fades; Sam and Janet are back to ourselves]
Janet (doubtful): That one was…uh…
Sam: That one was pretty accurate.
Janet: Are my characters really indistinguishable?
Sam: It got a lot right.
Janet (worried): Sam? Are they?
Sam: This sketch is now complete.
Blackout: The Impact of Innovation (21:42)
(Character breakdown: the Voiceover is echo-y and reverb-y; the pizza Delivery Gal is a generic millennial; the pizza place Boss is gruff and pushy; the Car is stiff and robotic; the sanitation workers sound like gruff New Yorkers; the bank Teller is helpful and bland; the psychiatrist Patient sounds depressed and desperate; PsychiaBot is yet another stilted robot voice.)
Sam (as Voiceover): The impacts of automation. Pizza delivery.
[Ambient street background noises]
Janet (as Delivery Gal): Guess I better get this pizza delivered.
Sam (as Boss): Take the self-driving car. We’re going fully automated.
Janet (as Delivery Gal): Cool.
[Car door opening, car starting, revving and driving]
Janet (as Delivery Gal): Guess I just kick back then…
Sam (as Car): Citizen! Earth is in danger from the evil Decepticons!
Janet (as Delivery Gal, sarcastic): Oh great, they got us Autobots. I told them to spring for the Teslas…
Sam (as Car): Citizen, grab your energon cannon. Ramjet was seen delivering Vietnamese take-out to a local frat house.
Janet (as Delivery Gal): Fine. Let’s roll out. But make it quick, we’ve only got 28 minutes now.
[We cut back to:]
Sam (as Voiceover): Sanitation.
[Garbage truck driving ambience; continuous sounds of garbage being ‘slopped’ onto pile]
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1): What do you think of the innovations to our profession?
Janet (as Sanitation Worker 2): I think they’re pretty cool. I mean, in terms of sustainability it’s nice to see the garbage being re-used.
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1): Totally. Okay, looks like the truck is full.
Janet (as Sanitation Worker 2): Is the suction pipe attached?
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1): Yup.
Janet (as Sanitation Worker 2): And the nozzle?
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1): Uh-huh.
Janet (as Sanitation Worker 2): Cool. Hit the music.
[Ice-cream truck music and driving]
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1, calling): Garbage cones! Get your garbage cones!
Janet (as Sanitation Worker 2): Vanilla, chocolate, and organic waste! Try the sprinkles!
Sam (as Sanitation Worker 1): They’re made of candied filth!
[We cut back to:]
Sam (as Voiceover): Banker.
[Bank ambience in background]
Sam (as Teller): Welcome to Work It of America of Canada, how can I help you today?
Janet (as Customer): I’d like to check my investments if you don’t mind.
Sam (as Teller): No problem: take a look, they’re doing fabulous.
Janet (as Customer): Oh, fantastic!
Sam (as Teller): See, we’re trying an innovative approach where we no longer torpedo the economy and usher in a period of insolvency and foreclosures.
Janet (as Customer): Wow, how bold.
Sam (as Teller): It began by holding our leadership accountable for irresponsibly and repeatedly breaking the law.
Janet (as Customer): Yes, I noticed them hanging out front. And I said to myself, “How innovative.”
Sam (as Teller): Get this. We’re no longer bankrolling pipelines through indigenous land.
Janet (as Customer): The mind boggles at this innovative approach to banking.
Sam (as Teller): Yes, well… If we hadn’t innovated like this? People would have butchered us en masse.
Janet (as Customer): Darn tootin’!
[We cut back to:]
Sam (as Voiceover): Psychiatrist.
Sam (as Patient): Thanks for seeing, Dr. PyschiaBot.
Janet (as PsychiaBot): I am here to help through the innovation of AI. Tell me what is wrong.
Sam (as Patient): Lately, I just don’t want to live.
Janet (as PsychiaBot): You said “live”. Do you mean Live?
Sam (as Patient): Live, I don’t want to live.
Janet (as PsychiaBot): Now playing Throwing Copper by Live.
[“I, Alone” by Live plays in background]
Sam (as Patient): I’ve been thinking about Suicide.
Janet (as PsychiaBot): Add to playlist, “Ghost Rider” by Suicide. Kind of a weird mix but you’re the boss.
Sam (as Patient): I’m depressed – depressed!
Janet (as PsychiaBot): Cheer up, doofus! It’s your favourite song after all: “I alone love you, I alone love you.” Hey, don’t this be a song only 90s kids will remember?
Sam (as Patient): Heh, I guess so. Oh, you always know how to cheer me up, Dr. PsychiaBot. Heh, 90s kids. Good one.
Blackout: Failed Innovations in History, part 3 (24:33)
(Character breakdown: Saint Patrick has a clichéd, exaggerated Irish accent; King Arthur sounds like a hammy, maybe pseudo-Shakespearean hero; Cleopatra is similarly regal, scheming and impressive.)
Janet (as Voiceover): Failed innovations through history.
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Voiceover): St Patrick
[Ambient crowd murmuring]
Sam (as St. Patrick): My people! I have banished all the snakes from Ireland!
Janet (as Crowd Member): There were no snakes here to begin wit’, ye daft eedjit!
Sam (as St. Patrick): For my next feat, I’ll banish all the tigers, piranhas, and uh…wallabies!
[Boos from the crowd, cuts to: brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Voiceover): King Arthur
[Ambience of a large-scale medieval battle – swords clashing]
Sam (as Arthur): Fear not, brave soldiers, I pulled this sword from a stone and it will save us!
Janet (as Crowd Member): My liege! The enemy still has the upper hand!
Sam (as Arthur): Oh dear. Well…Let me try to pull a tank from this stone. [Grunts of exertion] C’mon, you tank! [Grunt] Ooh, you stupid tank!
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Voiceover): Cleopatra
Sam (as Page): Your highness, your Roman lover Julius Caesar is dead!
Janet (as Cleopatra): An opportunity! I shall find a newer, better Roman lover.
Sam (as Page): Mark Antony is here.
Janet (as Cleopatra): I thought he was with JLo…
[Begin fadeout]
Sam (as Page): No, that's Mark Anthony, the Latin heartthrob…
Janet (as Cleopatra): Uh, and what language do they speak in Rome, dummy?…
Sam (as Page): While I can see the point that they speak Latin in Rome, it’s different.
Scene: Work It Innovates (25:44)
Janet: Well folks, it wouldn’t be a show about innovation if we didn’t try our hands at innovating the show itself.
Sam: That was really well put, Janet.
Janet: Thanks, Sam. You’re so kind.
Sam: We figured, who better to advise us on this journey to a better Us than Richard Branson of the Virgin business empire.
Janet: Branson wrote 5 tips on how to innovate in business, and we’re going to apply these ideas to Work It. Are you excited, Sam?
Sam: I’m beside myself, Janet! Tip one: Hone in on the problem. That should be easy enough.
Janet: Sure. I mean, we both have bad habits we could improve, I guess.
Sam: I’ve been meaning to bring something up, actually. I notice you’ve been leaving your writing till the last minute every week. Maybe something to work on?
Janet: Oh, huh, I hadn’t noticed, since you always finish your stuff after me. I guess you just waste too much time in the writing process?
Sam: That’s weird, I’m pretty sure I work my butt off to create quality material every week.
Janet: Okay, wow, we’re both gaining new insights I guess.
Sam: Hah. Yeah. Branson’s tips are working already!
Janet: Speaking of which, tip 2: surround yourself with passionate people.
Sam: Hm. Maybe that means we should be branching out the Work It family?
Janet: Good idea. You’re so low-key, I have a hard time balancing it out with my own enthusiasm.
Sam: Wait, you’re the one who texts every single week to ask if we can just air a re-run.
Janet: The people love classic Work It, Sam! I’m passionate about pleasing our audience!
Sam: Okay okay, let’s cool off a bit. Branson’s next tip is a good one: embrace diverse thought.
Janet (bitterly): Oh there’s a novel idea for you.
Sam: What do you mean??
Janet: Oh nothing, it’s just that I think you’d respect my opinion more if I was a man.
Sam: What makes you say that? And how come you respond to every sketch I write with “that’s just what a man would say”?
Janet: That’s just what a man would say!
Sam: You’re being hysterical! And fat.
Janet: Oh yeah? Tip 4: listen to everyone’s ideas? Here’s an idea: shut your stupid face.
Sam: I’ve got one for you: go boil your head!
Janet: I’d tell you to do the same, but I can’t tell your head apart from your butt!
Sam: Tip 5, loser: simplify the idea. I know just how to make this simpler: you’re fired!
Janet: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Sam: Good!
[Door slam]
[A beat]
[Door open]
Janet: By the way, what’s next week’s theme again?
Sam: Uh, entrepreneurship, I think.
Janet: Cool. I’ll start writing that later.
Sam: [under his breath] Hopeless.
Janet: Huh?
Sam: Nothing! Have fun!
[Door close]
Scene: Outro (28:07)
Sam: Well, folks, there you have it, a comprehensive look at innovation in the modern workplace. How does it feel to be disrupted?
Hey, I’ve got an innovative idea: this week, when I tell you you can follow us at @workitpod on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram, why don’t you actually do something about it? Be a thought-leader! Give us a follow. And feel free to check us out at workitpod.com for more innovation. 
One last thing just occurred to me: Innovation of the Body Snatchers! I wish I’d thought of that while writing. Win some, lose some. Sayonara.
[Door opens]
Janet: Uh, hey, Sam? Sorry to interrupt…
Sam: Oh hey, Janet, what are you doing here still?
Janet: Well, I didn’t want to step on your toes or anything, but I kinda ran the outro through our AI, too.
Sam: Oh.
Janet: I know you like to do it and all, but you know…
Sam (clearly a little wounded): Sure sure sure, it’s cool, it’s cool.
Janet: Great! Well folks, we at Work It are proud to present the first ever computer-generated sketch show outro!
Sam (bitterly): Enjoy.
[Fade out theme music; computer bloops; same futuristic music as previous A.I. scenes]
Sam (as JanetSam): Well folks, there you have it.
Well folks, there you have it.
Well folks, there you have it.
Well folks, there you have it.
Well folks, there you-
[Music fades back into theme; we’re ourselves again]
Janet: What do you think, Sam?
Sam: I'm taking the rest of the series off.