Ep. 008
Party On, Work It!
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
We're sorry, but writers and performers Sam Allemang and Janet Mowat are unavailable at the moment. For an exclusive, behind the scenes look at Work It’s office holiday party, please stay on the line.
[Theme music fades]
Scene: Red Carpet (0:26)
(In this scene, Sam and Janet share ‘conversations’ with spliced clips from actual interviews with the celebrities mentioned.)
Janet: Hello and season’s greetings, everyone, from the red carpet of Work It’s annual holiday party! I’m Janet…
Sam: ..and I’m Sam. This year promises to bring the best festivities yet, and we’ll have complete coverage of all the revelry.
Janet: The guests are just starting to arrive now… 
[Fangirl-y screams in background] 
Oh, and here’s Jeff Weiner! Jeff! Over here, please!
Sam: Jeff Weiner, CEO of LinkedIn, thanks for coming out! I see you’re in a stunning sequined Dior gown.
Jeff Weiner: Thank you for that wonderful introduction
Janet: So Jeff, what did you ask for for Hanukkah?
Jeff Weiner: The answer is two words: more cheesesteaks.
Sam: Delicious! So what does Hanukkah mean for you?
Jeff Weiner: It’s about the teachings of the dalai lama.
Sam: Oh. Uh, that was unexpected…
Janet: What’s your Hannukah wish for those who are less fortunate than you?
Jeff Weiner: being crushed by a boulder on their chest.
Sam: What? That’s awful! What would you say if you were crushed by a boulder??
Jeff Weiner: Yahoo
Janet: And what would you do if you were crushed by a boulder?
Jeff Weiner: Fart
Sam: Okay, I know you’re eager to join the party, but we have one more question.
Janet: We’re thinking of branching out into yogurt-making. Do you have any advice for us?
Jeff Weiner: Create the right culture, and you create competitive advantage.
Sam: Brilliant, thanks so much, Jeff.
Janet: And just in time, here comes HuffPo co-founder Arianna Huffington. Arianna! Can we ask you a few questions? How are you feeling now that the holidays are almost over?
Arianna Huffington: Exhausted, burnt out
Sam: Oh that’s too bad! Was Christmas a success, at least? How do you measure Christmas success, anyway?
Arianna Huffington: I was not successful if I was lying in a pool of blood.
Janet: That makes sense. Who did you have to buy gifts for this year?
Arianna Huffington: The obnoxious roommate living in my head
Sam: Oh I know that guy. And what did you ask for for Christmas?
Arianna Huffington: Money and power
Janet: Wow, I think you have enough of that stuff already.
Sam: Maybe you could think about regifting?
Janet: Well Arianna, I’ve gotta ask. Who are you hoping to meet under the mistletoe tonight?
Arianna Huffington: Probably everybody in this room.
Sam: Hey same here! Last question for you, Arianna: How can I have a great career like yours?
Arianna Huffington: Sleep your way to the top.
Janet: Believe me, I’m trying.
Sam: Well, thanks for your time, Arianna. Let’s see if we can grab one more guest here…
Janet: Ooo, here’s Apple CEO Tim Cook! I love what you’ve done with your hair!
Tim Cook: Thank you, it feels really great.
Janet: Ohhh, soft!
Sam: Tim, I’ve heard that a lot of people don’t believe in Santa anymore. Thoughts?
Tim Cook: This kind of information, I think– you know, empowering people with the facts, uh, will allow them to decide themselves.
Janet: Ah, I’m glad you’re a true believer. What do you think of his elves?
Tim Cook: They do incredible work.
Sam: Agreed. Tim, lots of people feel awkward making conversation at holiday parties. What topics should they stick to?
Tim Cook: the most offensive things
Janet: Wow, so are you the sort of party guest who always asks rude, intrusive questions?
Tim Cook: Well, I think the privacy thing has gotten way out of control.
Sam: And what do others say to that?
Tim Cook: Stop this ridiculous discussion
Janet: Do you think you’ll ever try another approach to making conversation?
Tim Cook: I don’t see that changing.
Sam: Wow, so how do you feel about holding a polite, mutually enjoyable conversation?
Tim Cook: I’m not sure I would really do well in that environment.
Janet: Okay, last question for you, Tim. How do you feel about shortbread?
Tim Cook: fundamental human right.
Janet: As usual, I agree completely.
Sam: Well, it looks like all the guests have arrived!
Janet: That’s right, Sam. And now a hush falls on the crowd as we prepare for the annual screening of Work It’s instructional video on party etiquette.
[And we segue to:]
Scene: Party Etiquette PSA (3:58)
[The overall sound is staticy, like an old film; voices are a bit muffled and scratchy; there is  unobtrusive background music of hokey old jazzy muzak]
Sam (as Voiceover): Well look who it is! Here come Jimmy and Patty, two work pals! Are you two ready for your office party?
Janet (as Patty): Gosh, I’m awful nervous! What should I talk about all evening?
Sam (as Jimmy): How do I know how much to eat?
Sam (as Voiceover): Jimmy and Patty, it sounds like you need a lesson in Office Party Etiquette.
[Brief, cheesy organ fanfare]
Janet (as Patty): That would be swell, mister!
[Background party ambience]
Sam (as Voiceover): Here we are at your office party, and it’s time to make small talk. Patty, why don’t you say something to Margaret here?
Janet (as Patty): I’ll give it a shot! Uh, hiya Margaret. How do you like my new dress?
Sam (as Voiceover): Ohh, bad mistake, Patty. No one likes a girl who talks about herself. Try showing interest in the other person! Jimmy, why don’t you try?
Sam (as Jimmy): Okay! Hi there Margaret. I’ve noticed you’re getting real fat. Are you pregnant?
Sam (as Voiceover): That’s the way, Jimmy! Margaret’s not pregnant after all, but be sure to remind her that her biological clock will start ticking soon enough. She’ll appreciate the concern!
Janet (as Patty): Gee, maybe I can give Margaret some unsolicited advice on how to conceive!
Sam (as Voiceover): Now you’re getting it, Patty. But look out - here comes the boss, eager to fraternise! How do you handle this situation, Patty?
Janet (as Patty): Hm…Hiya, Mr Francey, are you enjoying your time off as much as I am?
Sam (as Voiceover): Oh Patty. Remember: Never let your boss think you’re not working. Why don’t you try, Jimmy?
Sam (as Jimmy): Good evening, Mr Francey! I skipped Christmas dinner to finish up those reports.
Sam (as Voiceover): Way to go, Jimmy! Mr Francey loves a can-do attitude. But what’s this? It’s the food and drink table! Patty, let’s see how you handle this.
Janet (as Patty): Oh none for me, thanks. I’m watching my figure.
Sam (as Voiceover): Uh-oh, Patty. It’s rude to refuse your host’s hospitality.
Janet (as Patty): Aw, shucks!
Sam (as Voiceover): Now you try, Jimmy.
Sam (as Jimmy): Sure thing! I’ll take this moderate amount of food, and just one drink for me, thanks!
Sam (as Voiceover): That’s more like it! Just don’t overdo it! See, Patty?
Janet (as Patty): Golly!
Sam (as Jimmy): Hey, this isn’t bad. Maybe I’ll just help myself to a little more…
[Smacking and gulping noises]
Janet (as Patty): Jimmy! You ate all the shrimp cocktails!
Sam (as Voiceover): Someone stop him!
[Cork popping; glugging]
Sam (as Voiceover): Oh no, he got into the spirits!
Janet (as Patty): Jimmy, wait! Think of your dignity!
Sam (as Jimmy, slurring): Mr Francey can kiss my drunk [censor beep]–ss. Patty you dumb b–[censor beep]–tch, I love you!
[Projector ending, along with all the staticy effects; polite applause]
Janet: There you have it, folks, some of my favourite lessons for the holiday season. Don’t you agree, Sam? Sam?
[Slurping and gulping noises]
Sam: Huh?
Blackout: Lorna, part 1 (6:47)
[Background party ambience]
Sam: Okay, why don’t we head over to the break room and see what’s going on in here…
[Door opening; gasps]
Sam: Oh! Oh my gosh I’m so sorry!
Janet (as Lorna): What the-
Sam: Wait, is that Lorna?
Janet (as Lorna): It’s not what it looks like!
Sam: Listeners, we’ve just bumped into Lorna, the company’s greatest gossip, and- is that Pete from Maintenance with you?
Sam (as Pete): Hey.
Janet (as Lorna): I barely know this man!
Sam (innocently): What’s going on in here? What happened to your clothes?
Janet (as Lorna): Oh! They, uh- we took our clothes off because…it’s too hot in here.
Sam: Oh is that why you guys are all sweaty?
Janet (as Lorna): Yes! Yes, we are sweaty because it’s so hot.
Sam: That’s weird, I don’t feel it.
Janet (as Lorna): Huh. Well, you’d better take off before you start to overheat, too. Maybe come back in five minutes, we might be done being hot then.
Sam: Sure, see ya Lorna. Bye Pete.
Sam (as Pete): Later.
[Door slam]
Scene: Secret Santa (7:36)
[Office party ambience]
Janet: Oh, look, it’s time for the office Secret Santa gift exchange.
Sam: Oh, let’s go check it out.
[Footsteps as they walk to event]
Sam: So, Janet, would you believe I got you as my “giftee”?
Janet: Oh, that’s hilarious. I got you too!
Sam: Wow, what a strange coincidence.
Janet: What an uncontrived happenstance.
Sam: You know, the watchmaker analogy argues that design implies a designer.
Janet: I agree: Work It is the only legitimate proof of god that’s ever been put forth.
Sam: Well, anyway, here: I got you this. I hope you like it.
[Rip, crinkle – unwrapping sounds]
Janet: Oh boy, I hope it’s a nice wine… Or maybe that I book that I said I wanted… Or maybe it’s….
[More ripping and crinkling – unwrapping sounds; box opening]
Janet: A child’s drawing?
Sam: No, dummy. So you know how you like the Toronto Maple Leafs, right?
Janet: No, Sam, that’s you. I think they’re a joke. Like any reasonable person…
Sam: Okay, so I drew you a picture of you and Mitch Marner having a playdate.
Janet: Truth be told, the Leafs might prove the non-existence of God…
Sam: So, up top, that’s the two of you going to Ripley’s Aquarium!
Janet: He’s the stick figure with a hockey stick and I’m the stick figure with two circles at your chest.
Sam: Duh, they’re boobs, dummy.
Janet: No, right, I get that, I was just saying…
Sam: And next to you guys is a shark named Shark Garfunkel. He has an underwater fish-folk duo with his friend Paul Salmon. They’re a bit schmaltzy but y’know, not half-bad.
Janet: I see.
Sam: But meanwhile, Mitch gets scared.
Janet: Of the shark, I take it?
Sam: No, of the moving sidewalk. So anyway, this next panel is the two of you running away to the Eaton Centre.
Janet: That’s us petting the geese?
Sam: Uh-huh.
Janet: The geese sculptures on the ceiling?
Sam: Yeah, they’re your best friends. Over here you and the geese are having a tea party. And that’s the adventure.
[Beat]
Don’t tell me you already had one?
Janet: No, definitely not, I… Oh, I love it, Sam. Merry Christmas.
Sam: Oh, phewf. I thought maybe you already had one, in which case I would have exchanged it. By which I mean adding more adventures.
Janet: No, it’s definitely fine the way it is. Well, here’s a little something for you. I hope you like it.
[Rip, crinkle – unwrapping sounds]
Sam: Oh boy, I hope it’s a nice wine… Or maybe that I book that I said I wanted… Or maybe it’s….
[More ripping and crinkling – unwrapping sounds; box opening]
Janet: So, you know how you always look for ways to save money?
Sam: No, Janet, that’s you. I’m entirely reckless with money…
Janet: So, I figured, if anybody could get the most out of a roll of pennies, it would be you.
Sam: I already spent half my paycheck on cookies. And I got paid this morning!
Janet: You’ll see I also supplied a handy-dandy list of ways you can spend it. For instance, a single Double Bubble is only 5 cents.
Sam: Do they still make Double Bubble?
Janet: Now, if you get it first thing in the morning, that can be your breakfast. Boom: full breakfast, a nickel.
Sam: Okay.
Janet: That’s not all: they say that if you swallow your gum, it stays in your stomach for, like, 8 years.
Sam: Oh, fantastic.
Janet: So that’s your food situation taken care of for the next decade pretty much. Now, clothing’s normally pricey, right? Check this: I know a place you can buy your own silkworms. Takes a little longer, but the shirts? Ooh, they’re comfortable. Couple worms, what is that, 10 cents?
Sam: Is that right?
Janet: Now, Sam, it’s no secret we’re utterly depraved alkies with an insatiable death-drive.
Sam: Vroom-vroom.
Janet: For another 5 cents, I know a place you can buy a single grape.
Sam: Wow, a whole grape.
Janet: Bit pricey, but here me out: First you wear a pair of socks as long as you can stomach it. A month is ideal.
Sam: Okay…
Janet: Then, while wearing your socks that are themselves ripe, you stomp on the grape.
Sam: Uh-huh.
Janet: The natural properties of the grape will mix with the festering cultures of the sock to produce a wine that is both flavourful and frighteningly intoxicating.
Sam: Janet, I… I love it. You’re so thoughtful and it’s a very sweet gift.
Janet: Merry Christmas, Sam.
Sam: We are friends.
Janet: Well, let’s see what everyone else in the office got.
[Party ambience fades out; cheesy background muzak fades in]
Sam (as Office Drone 1):
A stack of post-it notes, pre-posted.
Janet (as Office Drone 2):
Stock photos of someone else’s happy family.
Sam (as Office Drone 3):
Minesweeper 2: Sweeper Cell. GamePro calls it “Mine-blowing”.
Janet (as Office Drone 4):
A stapler-stapler to staple my staplers together.
Sam (as Office Drone5):
Exploding Tupperware. When someone tries to steal my lunch, they’re filled with hundreds of ball-bearings. That’ll show ‘em.
Janet (as Accountant): Dierdre from accounting. I got a hand-crafted calculator from Etsy. Doesn’t work, and the numbers aren’t in order, but it sure is cute.
Sam (as American Rep): Chad from the American branch. I got 10% of my medical expenses on GoFundMe. Still need 90%. Normal society.
Sam (as Sales Rep): Reggie from Sales. I got a bench press with phone attachment to make sales calls while doing reps.
[Phone dealing, ringing; click as someone picks up]
Janet (as Old Lady, over phone): Hello?
Sam (as Sales Rep, straining): Hngh! Hello, ma’am. Hngh! Can I interest you in a podcast?
Janet (as Old Lady, over phone): Hello?
[We cut back to:]
Janet (as Executive):
Andrea from the Executive Office. I got a human chessboard.
[Squish – someone being stabbed, then groaning]
Janet (as Executive): There goes another pawn, tee hee.
Scene: Childcare (12:19)
(Character breakdown: Mr Simmons is a sweet, gentle, frail old man; the kids – Ralphie, Jackie – all sound very cute and innocent and say their ‘r’s as ‘w’s (“we’we going to get in twouble”).)
Janet: Let’s head over to the Kids’ Corner, where our volunteer Mr. Simmons is watching over the children.
[Door open, background daycare ambience – some kids murmuring]
Janet: Mr. Simmons, hi!
Sam (as Mr Simmons): Oh, hello young lady, how do you do.
Janet: Do you remember me?
Sam (as Mr Simmons): Eh?
Janet: DO YOU REMEMBER ME, MR SIMMONS?
Sam (as Mr Simmons): Oh, about seven o’clock my dear.
Janet: HOW ARE THE KIDS BEHAVING?
Sam (as Mr Simmons): Good as gold, the little darlings.
Janet: Let’s go listen in on their games.
Sam (as Mr Simmons): Ah, the innocence of youth.
[Volume of kids playing increases]
Sam (as Ralphie): Okay everyone, I’m the boss!
Janet (as Jackie): No way, Ralphie! I’m the boss!
Sam (as Ralphie): Nuh-uh! Look, Piggy’s on my side, and he says I’m the boss.
Janet (as Jackie): That piggy’s a stuffed animal! Look at the dumb baby, everyone! Hahaha!
Sam (as Ralphie): You’re mean!
Janet (as Jackie): I’m gonna stomp on it.
Sam (as Ralphie): Stop it, meanie!
Janet (as Jackie): Okay everyone, let’s put finger paint on our faces for camouflage!
Sam (as Ralphie): We’re gonna get in trouble.
Janet (as Jackie): And now we’re gonna kill Ralphie. Let’s get him!
Sam (as Ralphie): Aaaaa!
[Baby battle cries in background]
Janet: Awww how cute, they’re playing tag.
Sam (as Mr Simmons): Heh heh. They do get a little energetic. Now now, children, simmer down dearies.
[Volume/intensity of battle increases]
Janet: What’s their favourite game?
Sam (as Mr Simmons): Well, they do seem fond of ritual dances around the bonfire.
Janet: Is that safe?
Sam (as Mr Simmons): Eh?
Janet: IS THAT BONFIRE SAFE FOR CHILDREN
Sam (as Mr Simmons): Children! Stop that now, you hear?
[Battle sounds stop]
Janet (as Jackie, panting): I was tired of this overwrought allegory for the folly of war anyway.
Sam (as Ralphie): It’s equally applicable to the horrors of capitalism, though.
Janet (as Jackie): Hey, I’ve got a fun new game! Let’s cannibalise Mr Simmons!
Sam (as Ralphie): Yeah!!
Sam (as Mr Simmons): Awww, the children are coming in for a hug now.
Janet: Isn’t that precious. Well, I wish I could stay, but I’ll leave you to it. Bye, kids! Bye, Mr Simmons!
Sam (as Mr Simmons): No biting, now…
[Ravenous eating; fades out]
Blackout: Lorna, part 2 (14:21)
Janet: Okay Sam, I hear the party’s spilled into the meeting rooms now.
Sam: Come on, Janet, let’s see what’s going on in here…
[Door open; gasps]
Sam: Oh hey, it’s Lorna the office gossip again!
Janet (as Lorna): Oh! Hello! I’m so glad you’re here.
Janet: Wow, Lorna, looks like you’ve got all the Work It interns with you here, too.
Sam: How come you’re all tangled up on the floor like that?
Janet (as Lorna): We’re, uh- we’re just, uh, playing Twister!
Janet: Oh, fun!
Sam: What happened to your clothes?
Janet (as Lorna): Oh! Well, you’re not supposed to wear shoes for Twister, you know. Or, uh, pants.
Sam: Can we play?
Janet (as Lorna): Sure, we’ll, uh, we’ll let you know when this game’s finished. Close the door on your way out. Okay girls, where were we?
[Door close]
Sam: What a fun lady.
Janet: I wonder how they play Twister without a game board.
Scene: Work It Saloon (15:08)
(Character breakdown: All the characters in the ‘world’ of Work It Saloon are parodies of Red Dead Redemption 2: the bartender is grizzly; Jenny is a keen girl from town; the O’Driscolls have over-the-top (and bad) Irish accents.)
Janet: I need another drink. I think I’ll pop over to the bar area.
Sam: Oh, you mean Work It Saloon?
Janet: Is that still a thing here?
Sam: You know it. It’s not enough for the company to give out free drinks, it’s got to be cute and fun
Janet: So Work It Saloon.
Sam: Yuppers.
Janet: Well then, pardner, I guess I’m grabbing a pint from Work It Saloon. Want anything?
Sam: I’m good, I brought my flask. You want any? Flask and ye shall receive.
Janet (saying the words): Audible groan.
Sam: Suit yourself. Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
[Footsteps of Sam and Janet walking towards saloon; volume of ambient conversation increases]
Janet: Ah, here’s the open bar. I mean “Work It Saloon”.
[Old-timey honky tonk piano “Maple Leaf Rag” in background, alternating with “Jazz Me Blues”; saloon doors swing open; cowboy boot footsteps as Janet enters the saloon; ambient barroom chatter in background.]
Sam (as Barkeep): Howdy there, miss, and welcome to Work It Saloon, the best darn suds in the county.
Janet: Oh, wow, the Widget Media Party Planners really went all out….
Sam (as Barkeep): I don’t know nothin’ ‘bout that, but we try n’ run a classy operation here, iffin’ that’s what you mean. Now what can I do ya for?
Janet: Ooh, do you have any hoppy IPAs?
Sam (as Barkeep): No, ma’am, I don’t reckon we do. I could do ya a Budweiser.
Janet: Fine.
[Saloon doors slam open]
Janet (as Jenny, breathless): The O’Driscoll boys is starting they own podcast! They’s fixin’ to run Work It out of town.
Sam (as Barkeep): Well, where they at, Jenny?
Janet (as Jenny): I seen ‘em down at Podcast Gulch, talkin’ to them city folk from the Johns podcast.
Sam (as Barkeep): That show where them dimwit speechwriters give tedious, élitist analysis and misappropriate popular unrest?
Janet (as Jenny): The very same!
Sam (as Barkeep): Well, grab yer rifles and saddle up. You in or out, Miss Janet?
Janet: Sorry?
Sam (as Barkeep): Tell me, Miss Janet. What’s the best thing about yer little Work It programme?
Janet: It’s fun. And funny. And we can do what we want.
Sam (as Barkeep): God’s honest truth, ma’am. Now, how’d you like it folks start comin’ round here, spreading their middle-of-the-road content to the oinking yuppie dullards?
Janet (piecing it together): You’re asking what I’d do if Work It were confronted by a bunch o’ yella-bellied…
Sam (as Barkeep): Yeah.
Janet: Lily-livered…
Janet (as Jenny): Yup.
Janet: …Mealy-mouthed nerds?
Sam (as Barkeep): Yes, ma’am.
Janet (serious): Let’s ride.
Sam (as Barkeep): Yee-haw!
[Guns being loaded (chk-chk), horses galloping, nice spaghetti western music (“Horses to Water” on YouTube). The horses coming to a stop, neighing, and we cut to: night-time noises – wind, crickets]
Sam (as Barkeep): Hitch your horses by the oak there.
Janet: Comin’.
Sam (as Barkeep): See ‘em there? Just over yonder?
Janet: Looks like they got a bootleg supply of Yeti microphones.
Sam (as Barkeep): Even iffin’ they fence most of them, they only need a couple to do some major damage.
Janet: Let's listen and see what they're saying...
Sam (as O’Driscoll Guy): Good work, laddies, good work t’all o’ ye.
Janet (as O’Driscoll Gal): We’s proud o’ ye, Seamus.
Sam (as O’Driscoll Guy): Now’s for dis first program, I’s t’inkin we could discuss the liberal case for border security.
Janet (as O’Driscoll Gal): Dat sounds a mighty fine podcast, Seamus. Da folks’ll love it!
Sam (as O’Driscoll Guy): Soon, Work It will be no more!
Janet (as O’Driscoll Gal): And 3-2-1, we’re rolling.
[Brief podcast theme]
Sam (as O’Driscoll Guy): Top o’ the morning, and welcome to Pod Bless the O’Driscolls. Folks, I wanna tells ye about Squarespace…
[We cut back to:]
Janet: Oh no, they’re live!
Sam (as Barkeep): We’ve got to move now!
Janet (shouting): Hey, O’Driscolls! This town ain’t big enough for both our shows!
Sam (as O’Driscoll Guy): Oh no, it’s the Work It clan!
Janet (as O’Driscoll Gal): Wipe ‘em out, Seamus! Podcast glory will be yours!
Janet: Eat let, pod-trash!
[A big shootout as Janet unloads hell on these interlopers]
Janet (laughing evilly): This here is Work It turf!
Sam (as Barkeep): Okay, okay, Ms. Janet. They’re all dead.
Janet (panting): Yes, yes, they are.
(Catching breath:)
Let’s burn this place to the ground. And post their heads out front. Send a message to the other podcasters.
Sam (as Barkeep): Good lord. Alright, fellers, do what the lady says.
[Sounds of rushing around – footsteps, clatter – followed by a big bonfire]
Janet: Alright, boys, you done good. Let’s get back to the party.
Sam (as Barkeep): Yes ma’am, Ms. Janet.
[Galloping, spaghetti western music; as it fades out, we fade in dinner party ambience again]
Janet: Well, Barkeep, I think we did good. Drove off the pod-poachers and protected our turf.
Sam (as Barkeep): Yes, ma’am.
Janet: Now give me a drink.
Sam (as Barkeep): Whatever you say, Ms. Janet. Just please don’t hurt me.
Janet: Keep ‘em coming and we won’t have a problem.
[Saloon doors swing open, footsteps enter]
Sam: There you are. The party’s really kicking into high gear. Ya know, I love that we can do Work It podcast without people messing with us.
Janet: All in a day’s work for “Mad Dog” Mowat, the Rootinest Tootinest Podcaster in the North.
Sam: Huh? Anyways, let’s see what else is going on.
[Cowboy boot footsteps fade out]
Scene: Company Speech (19:31)
[Background company ambience]
Janet: Oh wow, Sam, it’s just about time for our annual year-end speech. Do you have your notes?
Sam: Uh…yeah. You ready, Janet?
Janet: Ready as I’ll ever be.
Sam: Don’t worry, we got this!
[Game show theme-style music starts up]
Janet: I sure hope so. Here we go!
Sam (as Voiceover): And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for…the stars of Work It…Janet and Sam!
[Music swells, applause; brief pause, slight mic feedback]
Janet (stilted, obviously reading):  Good evening everyone. I just flew in from the lobby and boy are my arms tired!
Sam: Hey everyone, do you know why cool kids like Work It?
Janet: Why, Sam?
Sam: Because we’re Work-LIT!
Janet: And that’s why we’re a Work-HIT!
[Crickets]
Sam: But seriously folks, we’re so proud of your hard work this year.
Janet: Without you, the Work It staff, this show would just be me and Sam writing, recording, and editing a full half-hour of scripted comedy every week.
Sam: And that’s just crazy!
Janet: Unthinkable! Let’s take a look at some of our accomplishments this past year.
Sam: We were named People Magazine’s sexiest podcast for the 2nd year in a row, despite debuting 7 weeks ago.
Janet: We briefly won an Academy Award, after Faye Dunaway read the wrong card.
Sam: PETA named us “most murderous podcast”.
Janet: Perhaps because I ritually adorn my entire body with raw chicken livers to record each episode.
Sam: We were briefly in the running for Toronto city council before the number of seats was slashed.
Janet: And we’re just getting started. Work It is developing plans to colonise Mars.
Sam: We pitched a perfect game while high on LSD.
Janet: We found the Lindbergh baby.
Sam: Deciphered Linear A.
Janet: Briefly seized control of the world, before we were thwarted by those meddling kids.
Sam: And finally, won the Nobel Prize in Comedy.
Janet: Beating out Henry Kissinger. But most surprising of all, we’ve somehow managed not to get cancelled.
Sam: Here’s to another 8+ episodes without getting cancelled!
Janet: To show our gratitude to our completely non-imaginary staff, Sam and I are proud to present our annual employee prizes!
[Applause]
Sam: First up, we have Best Edward G. Robinson impersonation.
Janet: And the winner is…
[Drumroll] 
Sam!
Sam (doing impersonation): Nyah, see? I’m overwhelmed, see?
Janet: Next, we have the prize for best hydrated employee.
Sam: And the winner is…Janet!
Janet: Oh wow! Gotta keep my kidneys healthy! Thank you so much!
Sam: Our final prize of the evening is everyone’s favourite: the Face for Radio prize!
Janet: And the winner is…well here’s a shocker - it’s a tie! The winners are you and me, Sam!
[Applause]
Sam: Well folks, we’re just about ready to-
[Sleigh bells, ho ho hos]
Janet: Wait– who could that be?…
Sam: I think I know that voice…it’s Santa!
Sam (as Santa): Hohoho Merry Christmas everyone!
[Applause]
Sam: Wow, thanks for coming to our party, Santa!
Sam (as Santa): Hohoho!
Janet: Are you here to bring presents to all the good Work It staff?
Sam (as Santa): That’s right, Janet! I’ve made my list and checked it twice! Hohoho!
Sam: Here, Santa, have a glass of punch.
Sam (as Santa): Oh, don’t mind if I do. [SFX slurp] Hm…very tasty…hohoho.
Janet: Okay, everyone, that’s it for our year-end speech. Enjoy the rest of the party!
[Applause; exciting music that fades out]
Janet: Hey Sam, that was pretty awesome of you to invite a Santa impersonator this year.
Sam: Wait…I thought you invited him!
Sam and Janet: Huh???
Blackout: Lorna, part 3 (22:54)
[Background party ambience]
Janet: Wow, Sam, there’s been so much excitement, I’ll bet the party’s spread all the way to the mailroom.
Sam: Let’s check it out, Janet!
[Door opening, gasps]
Sam: Oh, hey, it’s Lorna!
Janet (as Lorna): Oh for f–[censor beep]cks sake.
Sam (as Santa): Oh ho ho ho no.
Janet: And…Santa? What are you doing in here?
Sam (as Santa): We’re just…ah…delivering some presents through intra-office mail.
Sam: What happened to your clothes?
Janet (as Lorna): Oh, you know, we just…uh…
Sam (as Santa): Look, Santa’s had a little too much happy juice tonight. Just don’t tell anyone about this, and I’ll take good care of you Christmas morning. Capisce?
Sam: Sure, Santa!
Janet: We’ll keep this just between me and Sam. And all our listeners.
Sam: So, just between me and Janet.
Janet (as Lorna): Listen, if you could make sure my husband doesn’t hear about this…
Sam (as Santa): Oh ho ho ho someone’s been naughty.
Janet (as Lorna): You wanna put some coal in my stocking?
Sam (as Santa): I’ll climb up your chimney…
Janet (as Lorna): Ooo! Okay get out of here you guys.
[Door slam]
Sam: Have fun delivering your packages!
Blackout: Karaoke (24:07)
Sam (as MC): Hey folks, it's time for Work It Karaoke. Up first is Janet with a traditional country waltz.
[Polite applause; first song is to tune of Tennessee Waltz]
Janet: I was glancing / at the wiki / of NHLer / Wes Walz / former captain / of the Minnesota Wild / he was drafted / by the Bruins / and had a hundred / and nine goals / do you get the joke? / It’s ‘Walz’ sounds like ‘waltz’.
Sam (as MC): Terrific! Up next is Sam with a love song for the modern man.
[Polite applause; next song is to tune of a mellow, shuffling country-rock song]
Sam: Hey, little mama, it’s me again / I’m hoping we can maybe be more than friends / do you have a private Snapchat that I can follow? // I’ll ‘heart’ all your photos from your trip last June to Cabo / mama, can we please be more than friends? / you haven’t replied [to] any of my DMs
Sam (as MC): Wow! Up next is Janet with an original composition called funky Janet.
[Polite applause; next song is to tune of a sort-of contemporary funk-disco track]
Janet: Hi, my name is Janet / the funkiest girl around / I come from Manitoba / where we really get down // I like to read Demosthenes / I am the queen of funk / I’m into Buster Keaton films / and other funky junk
Sam (as MC): Well, how about that?! Up next, it's the work at office dog, Ballard Barkley.
[Polite applause; next song is a brief generic blues rock song, with a dog barking along]
Sam (as MC): How great was that up next to Sam with a classic eighties anthem.
[Polite applause; next song is to tune of a generic, riff-heavy 80s action theme]
Sam: You’ve got to take it to the edge / and reach for the top / go for the gold / give it all you’ve got / take it to the limit / turn it to the max / to be a winner // do a bunch of blow / if that’s what it takes / get yourself psyched / do some more blow / cocaine is your friend / your very best friend / to be a champion…
Sam (as MC): What a terrible message! Here's Janet with a song by the German Billy Joel.
[Polite applause; next song is to tune of a polka that sounds vaguely like Piano Man]
Janet: It’s nine o’clock on the Borscht Belt / The klogs have come stomping on in / Herr Schneiderhardt’s sitting next to me / With sauerkraut stuck to his chin // He says, “Frau, can you play me a memory / I’m not really sure how it goes / But it’s sad and it’s stark like a page from Remarque / When I wore my nice leiderhosen” // La la la, di da da / La la, di da da da dum // Sing us a song, you’re the accordion gal / Sing us a song meine frau / Well, we’re all in the mood for accordion / And we’ve had like twelve schnitzerbrau
Sam (as MC): Our final song is Sam and Janet doing the greatest song ever, “Bongo madness!”
[And we cut to:]
Scene: Outro (27:46)
(Character breakdown: Sam and Janet are very drunk and slurring here.)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira – with Sam and Janet singing gibberish along with it; after a few seconds, it fades quite low]
Sam: Well, I gesh itsh about time to head home.
Janet: Shome party. Woo-ee. I think I barfed on the ficush plant.
Sam: Oh, jeezh. We should probably set our autoreshponders.
Janet: Genius, Sham. You’re a regular Bob Einstein.
Sam: You’re not sho bad yourshelf.
[The sound of typing as they type out their out-of-office emails]
Janet: Dear pershon, we can’t come to the email right now. It’sh the holidaysh.
Sam: Happy new year! Whooooo!
Janet: How many oo’s in “whoo”?
Sam: One… two… ten! No, besht make it tenty.
Janet: Better shafe than shorry. If thish ish an urgent matter, contact someone elsh.
Sam: We don’t care.
Janet: Work is boring and you’re probably boring too.
Sam: What’d you even emailing for? Don’t you know the world ish dying from climate inequality and income change. Attach that article I shent you?
Janet: Oh yeah… which one wash it? Was it thish one? Angela Strawberry Kissing Teasing Licking & …
Sam (interrupting): That’sh probably it.
Janet: Control, V, pasted.
Sam: In conclushion, … uh what were we writing again?
Janet: I forget. Was it an undergraduate paper?
Sam: No problem, I wrote a million of theshe thingsh drunk: In conclushion, Achillesh is a complexh hero with many virtuesh that are not heroic in our modern day.
Janet: Thank you for your email.
Sam: We love you shoooo much.
Janet: You’re besht friendsh.
Sam: Sham…
Janet: ..And Janet…
Sam and Janet: …From Work It.
Janet: How do I shave this?
Sam: Let’sh go to the sherver room. Grab thosh hammersh.
Janet: Got it…
[Music fades in; we hear the sounds of hammers bashing metal before it all fades out]