Ep. 007
2018 Annual Review
Cold Open (0:00)
(Character breakdown: Throughout the episode’s linking segment’s the Boss Baby character is just stock sound effects of a baby gurgling and cooing, etc. We’ll try and give a feel, though saying ‘Curious baby sounds’ is the best we can do – and involves a hell of a lot of projection.)
[Office ambience in background: phone ringing, clock ticking]
Janet: Relax, we’ll be fine.
Sam: How can you be so sure?
Janet: It’s our annual review, right? We haven’t even been on the air for two months. What’s there to review?
Sam: You’re probably right. But something’s bugging me, Janet.
Janet: What’s that, Sam?
Sam: So, we’ve been on the air 6 weeks, right?
Janet: Uh-huh. So?
Sam: Well, we’re already resorting to a clip show.
[A beat]
Janet (admitting defeat): It’s bad, isn’t it?
Sam (worried): Real bad.
Janet (as Secretary): The boss is ready to see you now.
Janet: Gulp.
Sam: Good luck.
[Brief snippet of “Bongo Madness” theme song – peppy, horn-filled jazz – in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Work It is a satire program about jobs and working. Nothing in this program should be taken literally, figuratively, or metaphorically. It’s just good fun.
[Theme song fades]
Boss Baby: [Happy baby sounds]
Janet: Yes, Boss Baby, it has been a big year for Work It.
Boss Baby: [Curious baby sounds]
Sam: You want to review our material with us?
Janet: No problem!
Boss Baby: [Ah, ah.]
Janet: So, in episode one, we covered Office Romance.
Sam: I did a scene about about how this company, Zenefits, had a problem with its employees having sex in the stairwell and emailed them to stop it.
Boss Baby: [Curious baby sounds]
Sam: Sure, we can listen to excerpts.
[A swoosh sound, cutting us to the clip:]
Clip: Zenefits (1:02)
[As he dictates his email, we hear the sound of typing on a keyboard]
Sam (as Zenefits Manager 1): You probably know what this is about. Upper management recently discovered used condoms in the stairwell. This email is to inform all employees that they are not to have sex in the company stairwell.
But that’s not all, is it? We also found a number of erotic creams, jellies, balms, salves and otherwise sensuous unguents. Three hundred packets of birth control, ranging in flavour from lemon drop to rocky road. There was even a pack of Flintstones chewable birth control, the ones with Pebbles Flintstone on the box with a red ‘X’ over top.
There was a Walter Cronkite Real Doll; a poster of Alien vs. Predator, and by ‘vs.’ I mean ‘having sex with’; a Nintendo Switch modded so that Kirby is anatomically correct; and a signed Wendel Clark jersey, for some reason.
To reiterate: employees are forbidden to have sex in the stairwell. And in case you try to get cute on us, no sex in the supply closet, boardroom, fridge, or ball-pit either.
Look, no one enjoys a good time like Zenefits management! That’s not going to change. What is going to change, however, are the office romance policies. You’ve left us no choice, Zen-gineers. Don’t make us say it a-zen.
[A swoosh sound, cutting us to the next clip – likewise, as she dictates his email, we hear the sound of typing on a keyboard:]
Janet (as Zenefits Manager 2): As the office romance issues have persisted, we are now introducing rules against more innocent behaviour.
Male employees will no longer throw their jackets over puddles that a female colleague was about to step in. And female employees are absolutely not to kiss them on the cheek and say “My hero”. It makes the men go ‘a-ooga’ as smoke comes out their ears. Not only is this distracting, it’s a clear violation of the fire-code.
Under no circumstances are female employees to say “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” In fact, all romantic film dialogue is now prohibited. Men are only allowed to say “I wish I knew how to quit you” if they are addressing their job itself. In which case please put it in writing for our records, including your last day.
This is your final warning!
[A swoosh sound, cutting us back to the office:]
Link (2:57)
[Office ambience in background: phone ringing, clock ticking]
Sam: I mean, pretty good, right?
Boss Baby: [Howling baby sounds]
Janet: Me? I did a fun, little game show parody. It actually got some very positive feedback!
Boss Baby: [Distracted baby sounds]
[A swoosh sound, cutting us to the clip:]
Clip: Watercooler Wipeout (3:11)
(Character breakdown: The game show Host has a brisk, rapid presentation. Lorna and John are run-of-the-mill office employees. Lorna’s Husband sounds ‘dorky’. Lorna’s lover Pete has a distant, muffled and silly voice.)
Sam (as Host): Hello and welcome to Watercooler Wipeout, where the nation’s greatest gossips go head to head. I’m Frances Ferdinand, and today we’ve got the two blabbiest busybodies from Bailey & Sons Insurance. Please welcome Lorna from Accounting…
[Audience applause]
Sam (as Host, cont’d): …And John from the Mailroom!
[Audience applause]
Sam (as Host, cont’d): Anyone you want to say hello to?
Sam (as John): Hi, mom!
Janet (as Lorna): I’d like to say hi to my darling husband, right here in the front row. Hi sweetie!
Sam (as Host): Isn’t that lovely.
John and Lorna, round one will be “Innuendo”. I’ll share tidbits of tasty tittle-tattle from your office, and I need you to finish my sentence with your most suggestive innuendo. Lorna you’re first. Ready?
Janet (as Lorna): Ready, Frances!
Sam (as Host, more deliberately, as if reading from a card): Herb in Human Resources arrived late 3 months ago because he was…
Janet (as Lorna): Uh…showing the intern you can’t spell ‘hard’ without HR?
[Ding of a bell – correct answer]
Sam (as Host): Correct! 10 points to Lorna. Your turn, John.
Sam (as Host, cont’d, deliberate): During their extended tea breaks, Dave and Sam from IT like to…
Sam (as John): Um…teabag…uh…each other?
Sam (as Host): Judges?
[A harsh buzzer – wrong answer]
Sam (as Host, cont’d): Sorry John, not euphemistic enough. Lorna, for the steal?
Janet (as Lorna): What about “share their teabags”, Frances?
[Ding of a bell – correct answer]
Sam (as Host): Very good Lorna, 10 more points!
Sam (as John): Ah, nuts!
Sam (as Host): Congratulations Lorna, that means you advance to the final round!
Now Lorna, you know the drill. Answer as many questions as you can in one minute. Three correct answers will win the grand prize. Ready, Lorna?
Janet (as Lorna): I’m as nervous as our project manager when I found out about his lovechild!
Sam (as Host): That bad, eh? One minute on the clock…go!
[Intense thinking music plays, continuous; a clock ticks down time]
Sam (as Host, rapidly): How many times have Cheryl and Max disappeared into the supply room this week?
Janet (as Lorna, rapidly): 6!
[Ding of a bell – correct answer]
Sam (as Host, rapidly): Name everyone who has made lingering eye contact with Beth the secretary in the past 2 months.
Janet (as Lorna, rapidly): Uhh, Chad, Charles, Mary, Eric, Enrique, 10 out of 12 couriers, and one lost pizza guy.
Sam (as Host, rapidly): Half-point for that, you left out the CEO, Mr Robson.
Janet (as Lorna, rapidly): Argh, I thought that went without saying!
Sam (as Host, rapidly): Who is Mary’s real baby daddy?
Janet (as Lorna, rapidly): It’s not for me to speculate but it looks a lot like Dave the maintenance guy.
[Ding of a bell – correct answer]
Sam (as Host, rapidly): Correct! No mistaking that nose! Who did Lorna spend an awful lot of time with the week her husband was out of town?
Janet (as Lorna): J- I-…wait, that’s me! I uh…I have no idea what you’re-
Sam (as Host): Clock’s ticking, Lorna. This is for all the marbles…
Janet (as Lorna): I can’t…arrrrgghhhh, it was John!
[The music and the clock sound effects stop.]
(Lorna takes a beat.)
Janet (as Lorna): Yes, John from the Mailroom, my competitor on this very show.
Sam (as Husband, muffled & distant): Lorna how could you!
Janet (as Lorna): Honey, I can explain! Cover the kids’ ears!
Sam (as John): Lorna!
Janet (as Lorna): John!
Sam (as John): Now that it’s out in the open, I wanna say I’ve always loved you. 
Janet (as Lorna): John, you’re more than a torrid office romance to me! Let’s run away together!
Sam (as John): Oh Lorna!
[A harsh buzzer – wrong answer]
Sam (as Host): Uh, Lorna, we have Pete down as the one you had an affair with.
Janet (as Lorna): Oh…oh yeah, him too.
Sam (as Pete): Hey, Lorna!!
Janet (as Lorna): Pete! My darling!
Sam (as Pete): Love you, babe!
[The game show theme plays as outro music]
Sam (as Host): Sorry Lorna, you failed to win the coveted cubicle, but you did give your office lots to talk about on Monday! Well that’s all we have time for, folks. Tune in next week for Watercooler Wipeout!
[A swoosh sound, cutting us back to the office:]
Link (6:50)
[Office ambience in background: phone ringing, clock ticking]
Janet: How ’bout that acting though, eh?
Boss Baby: [Crying]
Janet: We’re very sorry, Boss Baby, it won’t happen again.
Sam: Let’s just jump to episode 2.
Janet: Our second episode was all about job hunting.
Boss Baby: [Goo goo gaga-type baby sounds]
Janet: We understand, boss baby. We’ll be job hunting if we don’t improve.
Sam: In our defence, Boss Baby, there was real improvement. I mean, take my fake movie trailer scene!
[A swoosh sound, cutting us to the clip:]
Clip: Bobal Fatt, Job Hunter (7:10)
Sam: Hey Janet, did you see the new trailer?
Janet: New trailer for what?
Sam: Oh great, you didn’t either. There’s a new trailer for this movie I really want to see.
Janet: Is it about job hunting, Sam? Because we’re in the middle of an episode and we don’t really have time to goof off.
Sam: Just watch…
[Dramatic, cinematic sci-fi score; spaceship noises]
Sam (as Voiceover): Coming next Summer, the movie event that will take job hunting to bold new heights.
Sam (to Janet): Seeeee?
Janet: Alright, shhhh!
Sam (as Voiceover): He’s hunted bounties across the cosmos. He’s captured legendary heroes and worked for the worst scum in the galaxy. And now, the legendary space vigilante faces his greatest test:
[Sci-fi noises: spaceships, lasers, beeps]
Sam (as Voiceover, cont’d): Changing careers. The newest film in the Space Fights saga, it’s Bobal Fatt, Job Hunter.
Janet: Oh wow, I love the Space Fights saga.
Sam: So much better than that other space saga.
Janet: For sure, way better and way less litigious.
[A spaceship arrives with a jolt; creepy cinematic music plays]
Appropriate SFX.
Sam: What is this place? Some kind of space lab…
Janet: Looks like it hasn’t been used in years. What do you think Bobal’s gonna do here?
Sam: Oh man, this is so quiet. It’s freaking me out…
Janet: He’s not seriously going to activate the power source, is he?
[A machine powers up with a clatter]
Janet: Oh wow! Do you see that?
Sam: He’s working on his cover letter!
[Typing on a keyboard]
Janet (reading): Proficient in many blasters.
Sam (reading): Well-versed in Excel and in bounty hunting.
[A ‘space battle’ takes place: lasers, blasters, explosions]
Sam: Oh, awesome. A space battle! Who’s he chasing there?
Janet: It’s a lightweight transporter. There are three passengers.
Sam: Oh snap, those are his references!
Janet: I was wondering if they’d be in this one.
Sam: Tractor beam – nice! He’s got them now.
[A big explosion]
Janet: Oof, so long references.
Sam: Shoulda watched out for that space debris.
Janet: He looks really mad.
[Murky, swamp sounds. Weird, alien animal noises in the background]
Sam: Oh man, the effects on this swamp planet look great.
Janet: Did you see that? Bobal Fatt’s in the corner. In the reeds.
Sam: He seems to be tracking something.
Janet: This is probably the part where he’s hunting for a job.
[A monster roars]
Sam: Oh my god, there it is!
Janet: It’s an entry-level marketing job.
[The monster screams]
Sam: Part-time, no benefits.
Janet: And hundreds of flaming tentacles.
[The monster roars and attacks; a laser blasts in retaliation and the monster screams in pain]
Janet: He blasted it right in the head.
Sam: I’m not sure if that means he got the job?
Janet: That’s why it’s the trailer, dummy. They can’t just tell you.
Sam: Oh yeah, duh.
Sam (as Voiceover): If you’ve ever wanted to see a movie about an alien pirate guy checking Workopolis, this is a pretty good movie for that. Good enough, anyway. Space Fights 106: Bilbo Fudge Gets a Job or whatever. Be there!
Janet: Thank you for showing me that trailer, Sam.
Sam: We are friends.
[A swoosh sound, cutting us back to the office:]
Link (10:02)
[Office ambience in background: phone ringing, clock ticking]
Boss Baby: [Distracted baby sounds]
Sam: Bounty hunter, job hunter, get it?
Boss Baby: [Bah!]
Sam: Hack?! Listen, pal, where do you–!?
Janet (interrupting): Of course, Boss Baby, we’re very sorry. But our third episode was all about leadership. Surely you’d approve of that.
Sam: I mean, take Janet’s scene about Leadership Bootcamps. It was great!
[A swoosh sound, cutting us to the clip:]
Clip: Leadership Bootcamp (10:19)
(Character breakdown: Ferens is a ‘green’ recruit – naïve, lacking confidence, shaky; Sarge is just an impression of R. Lee Ermey’s grizzled hardass from Full Metal Jacket – very fast, very aggressive. Everyone else is just perfunctory and has no notable qualities.)
[Small crowd chattering]
Janet (as Ferens): Uh, hi, I’m here for the leadership bootcamp?
Sam (as Officer): Name?
Janet (as Ferens): Lucy Ferens.
Sam (as Officer): Okay Ferens, here’s your business fatigues and low heels. This way for de-lousing.
Janet (as Ferens): Wait, what?
Janet (as Shower Attendant): Hold still.
[Water spraying; Ferens sputtering; and we cut to: marching feet in the background – we’re now out on the grounds, as Sarge sizes up his troops]
Sam (as Sarge): Alright you maggots, listen up, your college degrees and professional certifications mean nothing here, as of right now I’m the Chief Executive Officer of kickin’ yer ass into shape, is that clear?
[Pause]
IS THAT CLEAR?
Sam and Janet (as The Soldiers): SIR YES SIR
Sam (as Sarge): You! What a tiny little puke, are you gonna be a corporate leader one day?
Janet (as Ferens): SIR YES SIR
Sam (as Sarge): I wouldn’t follow you to the break room for tea and cupcakes! Where you from, anyway?
Janet (as Ferens): SIR RED DEER SIR
Sam (as Sarge): Red Deer! Only steers and failed careers come from Red Deer and you don’t look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down.
Janet (as Ferens): SIR YES SIR
Sam (as Sarge): Now get down and give me the 2018 Forbes List!
Janet (as Ferens): Sir! Jeff Bezos! Bill Gates! Warren Buffett! Bernard Arnault and Family!… 
[We fade out, and cut to: marching feet, close – our squad is marching on the grounds, while Sarge sings, and the sing back in response]
Sam (as Sarge, singing): I don’t know but I’ve been told
Sam and Janet (as The Soldiers, singing): I don’t know but I’ve been told
Sam (as Sarge, singing): Leaning in is tired and old!
Sam and Janet (as The Soldiers, singing): Leaning in is tired and old!
Sam (as Sarge, singing): I don’t know but people say
Sam and Janet (as The Soldiers, singing): I don’t know but people say
Sam (as Sarge, singing): Empathetic leadership is here to stay!
Sam and Janet (as The Soldiers, singing): Empathetic leadership is here to stay!
[The marching fades, and we cut to: grunts from exercise]
Sam (as Sarge): Move move move, you maggots, let’s see you maintain that healthy work-life balance!
Ferens! What in the hell do you think you’re doing!
Janet (as Ferens): SIR I’M PARENTING SIR
Sam (as Sarge): You worthless sack of feces, you’ve missed 3 conference calls while changing this baby’s diaper! Now go spend quality time with your spouse while simultaneously going over these reports!
Janet (as Ferens): SIR YES SIR
[The exercise sounds fade, and we cut to: an eerie quiet; faint sound of dripping; Ferens whimpering softly; some tense and nondiegetic music plays in the background]
Sam (as Beasly): Ferens? What are you doing in here? Sarge wants us roleplaying interpersonal conflicts.
Janet (as Ferens): I can’t take it anymore, Beasly.
Sam (as Sarge): Ferens! What in the hell are you doing in the latrines!
Janet (as Ferens, creepily, almost hypnotic): Synergize your team. Lead through actions. Promote continuous growth.
Sam (as Sarge, ominously): You get out there and further your job skills, Ferens. Now.
Janet (as Ferens): I’m quitting and taking a part-time contract gig!
Sam (as Sarge): Nooooooooo! 
This is as bad as if you shot me.
[A swoosh sound, cutting us back to the office:]
Link (12:37)
[Office ambience in background: phone ringing, clock ticking]
Janet: Fun little Full Metal Jacket parody, right, Boss Baby?
Boss Baby: [Angry baby sounds]
Janet: I’m sorry you feel that way. But how about Sam’s clip?
Sam (composing self): I did a parody of TEDtalks. Oh man, we really goofed on those inane, self-satisfied, completely useless...

Boss Baby: [Crying]
Janet (embarrassed): Well, of course Sam didn’t realize that you invented the TEDtalk, Boss Baby.
Sam: Umm... maybe we can skip this scene. No? Okay...
[A swoosh sound, cutting us to the clip:]
Clip: Clips from our TED Talk (13:04)
(Character breakdown: Sam and Janet are both ‘themselves,’ but as if they were giving a big speech of dubious instructive value – self-important, overly confident in their idiotic statements.)
Sam (as Voiceover): Clips from our TED Talk.
[Atmospheric, new age-y, futuristic music plays in background]
Sam: Management. Management. Right? Management. Right? Think again. Spearmint. Okay? Doublemint. Mint chocolate chip. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Janet: You can lead a horse to water. But you can’t make him drink. But what if you can?
Sam: I’ve got a house, nice little place. Let me tell you about my house. My water comes from lead pipes. My walls are painted with lead paint. Why would I do that, why would I have lead pipes, why would I use lead paint when I know I’ll get lead poisoning. Because lead. Spells. Lead.
Janet: Now, a team is a lot like a sports team. You’ve got your teammates – those are your co-workers. And there are probably other similarities as well.
Sam: What does it mean to lead? That’s a great question. But don’t ask me. Ask this photo of Jack Welch.
Janet (stilted, as if she were an undergraduate reciting their bad essay): From the beginning of time, man has asked the question “What is leadership?” Even now to this day, we still wonder about leadership even in our modern age. That’s what leadership means to me.
Sam: What is leadership? Why ask us? You look at Work It, you come to our talk, you pay us a fortune… Why? I’ll tell you. Because we. Tell you. Exactly. What you want to hear.
Janet: In nature, cedars are leaders. And flowers are followers. But in the end. Leadership is like a cabbage. But also. Like a cool car. Going vroom.
[Rapturous applause]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
[A swoosh sound, cutting us back to the office:]
Link (15:10)
[Office ambience in background: phone ringing, clock ticking]
Sam: What I meant to say was, it’s about how they’re, uh, good
Boss Baby: [Impatient baby sounds]
Janet: You’re right, Boss Baby, he does owe you an apology! Which brings me to episode 4, where we covered “Women in the Workplace”. I had a scene where Sam apologizes on behalf of all men. You want to hear him grovel, don’t you?
Boss Baby: [Baaaaa.]
[A swoosh sound, cutting us to the clip:]
Clip: Apologies (15:29)
[Light, peppy background music]
Sam: Uh, so…
Janet (whispering): Go on!
Sam: Janet, do I really-
Janet (whispering): Say it!
Sam: But why? I’m not the one who-
Janet (louder): Listen, you little twerp.
Sam: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, fine!
Janet: Good. Ladies and gentlemen - well, just ladies, I guess - Sam has something he’d like to say on behalf of all men.
Sam: We’re sorry. There, can I go?
Janet: Sorry for what?
Sam: Sorry for making your working experience pretty awful. Or at least worse than it needed to be.
Janet: Go on…
Sam: Uggghhhh. We’re sorry for the pay gap, biased hiring practices, asking awkward personal questions, taking away responsibilities, inadequate parental leave policies, the whole glass ceiling thing, obviously all that sexual harassment stuff-
Janet: Including?
Sam: Including, but certainly not limited to, Louis CK, Harvey Weinstein, casino magnate Steve Wynn, Uber’s Travis Kalanick, 500 Startups Co-founder Dave McClure, Howie Rubin of Soros Fund Management…
[Sam fades out, then fades back in, indicating a long list of names in between]
Sam: …Charlie Rose, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly– Janet, do I have to apologise for all of these turds? There’s hundreds of them!
Janet: Okay, I’ll let you off the hook.
Sam: Oh, thank god.
Janet: Now tell us how you’ll do better.
Sam: Seriously?
Janet: It’s not an apology if you don’t change your behaviour.
Sam: But I’m just one guy!
Janet: Fine then, we don’t accept your apology.
Sam: Oh my god. Ow, ow, ow, ow, okay, in the future, we promise to, uh, not be jerks.
Janet: AND??
Sam: Guys of the world, you’d better not make me look like a fool.
Janet: Let’s hear it.
Sam: We promise to respect your bodily autonomy, your expertise, your life choices, your career choices, your professionalism, your superior fashion sense, your…
[Sam fades out, then fades back in, indicating a long list of promises in between]
Sam: …We promise to stop calling you crazy when we’re in fact in the wrong, we promise to stop calling ourselves feminists when we’re in fact just a bit less chauvinistic than others, we promise-
Janet: Okay, we accept your apology.
Sam: Really?? Oh thank god!
Janet: It was a good apology. Not perfect, but okay.
Sam: Uh, thanks.
Janet: Now demonstrate how your behaviour has changed.
Sam: …How?
Janet: I dunno, but if you really meant it, you’d be making big changes right now.
Sam: Do you- do you want my apple?
Janet: Hm…yes. 
[Crunch of a bite of an apple] 
Janet: Good start. What else?
Sam: I’ll start writing scenes exclusively for you.
Janet: Keep it coming…
Sam: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, fine! We’ll start listing your name first in the intro! You can sit in my chair! We’ll change the name to “Janet presents Work It featuring Janet”!
Janet: More! MORE!
[The scene starts fading out]
Sam: You get a raise! You’re promoted! You’re CEO of Work It now! For life! I'll fire myself and live in a box! We're making you an astronaut!
Janet: Hehe yes, good, more!…
[A swoosh sound, cutting us back to the office:]
Link (17:57)
[Office ambience in background: phone ringing, clock ticking]
Janet: We took him down a peg, didn’t we?!
Boss Baby: [Delighted baby sounds]
Sam: But you’ll have to admit we’ve shown continuous improvement, Boss Baby. I mean, take episode 5 on “First Jobs.” Surely you enjoyed my scene about working as a Camp Counsellor? ...
[A swoosh sound, cutting us to the clip:]
Clipl: Lake BlueSky Summer Camp (18:16)
(Character breakdown: Sam’s Counselor is a naïve, optimistic teen; Janet’s Head Counselor comes off as friendly enough but is clearly taking advantage of the Counselor’s cluelessness; other characters behave as their descriptive names, well, describe.)
[Nostalgic summer camp music]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): I’ll never forget my first job. I was a camp counsellor at Lake BlueSky Summer Camp.
[Ambience of kids playing]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): Imagine me, a counsellor. New challenges and new adventures; new friends and new memories. It’s a time I’ll never forget. Like, take the first day of camp. My first taste of freedom…
Janet (as Head Counselor): You must be the new counsellor.
Sam (as Counselor, anxious, then confident): I am? I mean, I am!
Janet (as Head Counselor): Alright, fill out these forms.
Sam (as Counselor): My pleasure!
Janet (as Head Counselor, reading along): Name. Good. Address, blah blah blah. Here, this part’s important.
Sam (as Counselor): Power of attorney?
Janet (as Head Counselor): Just in case, you know, probably won’t need it.
Sam (as Counselor): Okay! I’ve got a feeling this is going to be the best summer of my whole life.
Janet (as Head Counselor, dismissive): Just shut up and sign.
[Nostalgic music sting, and we cut to:]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): It was magical, I was filled with a feeling that… that the summer would never end. And maybe a part of me knew I was growing up and maybe a part of me knew that it wouldn’t last forever. But for that summer, Lake BlueSky was everything to me. I remember bonding with my fellow counsellors – those connections, those shared moments.
Sam (as Counselor): Boy, what a magical place.
Janet (as Mean Girl): “Magical,” what are you – 5?
Sam (as Jock): Yeah, what are you a f–[long string of censor beeps] or something?
[Beat]
Sam (as Counselor): Yeah, I’ll never forget you guys either.
[Nostalgic music sting, and we cut to:]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): And then there were the campers. Oh, the campers. Was I ever so young? When all they had to think about was Nintendo, or the latest Madonna song. That sweet, simple age. Boy, me and those campers had some fun times. And I took pride in leading the activities. Even when the activities got a little… spooky!
[Ambience of the woods at night – campfire crackling, owls]
Sam (as Counselor): You know, some people say, on nights like this, the old ghost can still be heard in these woods, crying out his dying words…
Janet (as Bully Girl): Give me your money.
Sam (as Counselor): No, they were “I’m right behind you,” remember? From the story?
Sam (as Bully Boy): She’s not playing, give us your money.
Janet (as Bully Girl): That’s it, pass me that log.
[Klonk! Klonk! Klonk! as the Counselor is struck by a log]
Sam (as Counselor, getting struck): Oof! Ow! Ugh!
Sam (as Bully Boy): Cut it out.
[Beat]
Use this flaming one.
[Klonk! Klonk! Klonk!, plus the sound of flames, as the Counselor is struck by a flaming log]
Sam (as Counselor, getting struck): Oof! Ow! Ugh!
[Nostalgic music sting, and we cut to:]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): In the end, I learned just as much from those kids as campers as they did from me as counsellor. Those days at Camp BlueSky seemed like they’d be with me forever. But before you knew it, it was my last day. I still remember it…
Sam (as Counselor): Wow, gang, can you believe it’s the last day?
Janet (as Head Counselor): Put the gag back on.
Sam (as Bully Boy): Tie it tighter!
Sam (as Counselor, muffled): Hmf, gnf, hnng!
Janet (as Bully Girl): That should do it.
Sam (as Bully Boy): Let’s sacrifice this b–[censor beep] to Baal.
Janet (as Bully Girl): Yeah, let’s spill his blood for Baal.
Janet (as Head Counselor): That’s the plan!
[Chainsaw; splattering; screaming]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): Even though I was brutally murdered there and my remains never discovered, I’ll still always have a special place in my heart for Lake BlueSky Summer Camp. My first – and last – summer job.
[Nostalgic summer camp music fades out; a swoosh sound cuts us back to the office:]
Link (20:58)
[Office ambience in background: phone ringing, clock ticking]
Boss Baby: [Crying]
Sam: Unacceptable, Boss Baby, I agree.
Janet: I, on the other hand, produced a very fun scene that episode. I parodied old educational films...
[A swoosh sound, cutting us to the clip:]
Clip: PSA: How to Dress at Work (21:06)
[The overall sound is staticy, like an old film; voices are a bit muffled and scratchy; there is  unobtrusive background music of hokey old jazzy muzak]
Sam (as Narrator): Hundreds of single girls in America today have to work to make ends meet. Are you one of them? Then you’ll need to learn how to dress for the office. Let’s see how Janey starts her day.
[Birds chirping]
Rise and shine, sleepyhead! Do you know what today is?
Janet (as Janey): Gee! It’s my first day as a girl worker!
Sam (as Narrator): That’s right, Janey! How will you get ready for work?
Janet (as Janey): Well, since cleanliness is next to godliness, I guess I ought to wash my face first.
[Water running]
Sam (as Narrator): You betcha! 5 minutes with a potscrubber will stimulate blood-flow and give your cheeks that healthy flush.
Janet (as Janey): And now for lipstick!
Sam (as Narrator): Not so fast, Janey! Makeup is for streetwalking trollops.
Janet (as Janey): You're right, I need to stay modest. Hm…what to wear? Maybe this dress?
Sam (as Narrator): Uh-oh, Janey. That dress shows off your shapely ankles.
Janet (as Janey): Gee! Is that bad?
Sam (as Narrator): You see, Janey, men can’t control themselves around pretty young things like you.
Janet (as Janey): Gracious, why not?
Sam (as Narrator): Powerful men are too important to waste their time with professionalism.
Janet (as Janey): And so many of them have odd sexual proclivities!
Sam (as Narrator): Now you're talking like a woman of the world!
Janet (as Janey): How do I avoid tempting them?
Sam (as Narrator): First of all, try putting a bag on your head.
Janet (as Janey, muffled): Like this?
Sam (as Narrator): Great start! Now, why not wear this suit of armour?
[Metal creaking]
Janet (as Janey): Golly, being a working girl is a lot harder than I thought.
Sam (as Narrator): It’s only until you find a husband, Janey.
[A swoosh sound, cutting us back to the office:]
Link (23:04)
[Office ambience in background: phone ringing, clock ticking]
Janet: Well, sure, of course there was room for improvement, but all things considered...
Sam: You like cartoons, right, Boss Baby? Well, how about Janet’s scene from episode 6.
Janet: We were talking about “work/life balance”, right? So it’s a scene about a superhero whose power is to say “no” to overbearing bosses...
Boss Baby: [Inquisitive baby sounds]
Janet: No, of course I didn’t mean you, Boss Baby. I mean, uh, yes, I didn’t mean you... Boss Baby...
Sam (to Janet; sarcastic): Great save, Mowat.
[A swoosh sound, cutting us to the clip:]
Clilp: No-Man (23:30)
(Character breakdown: Boss speaks quickly and insistently in a gruff voice; No-Man is bombastic and heroic, like an archetypal Superman caricature; Hewett is a browbeaten, desperate worker.)
[Theme music: ‘soaring’ superhero music, something that makes you think of Superman; fade into: ambient office noise]
Janet (as Narrator): A typical office on a typical work day. But what’s this?
Sam (as Boss): Okay Hewett, here’s what I need you to do. You’re gonna put in as many hours as it takes to get this report finished, I don’t care how tired you are! We don’t pay overtime here, it’s all about the team. You got it?
Janet (as Hewett): Uh…uh, okay, boss…
Janet (as Narrator): A worker in trouble! Who will save her from this demanding boss?
Sam (as Boss): Good! You’re gonna eat here, sleep here, whatever it takes! I don’t care if your kid’s got a soccer game, your wife leaves you, none of that matters! It’s all about the report…
Janet (as Hewett): Oh no…
Janet (as Narrator): This looks like a job for…
[SFX wall crashing down or something; theme music]
Sam (as No-Man): Stop right there, Boss!
[SFX gasps]
Sam (as Boss): Who in the heck are you?
Sam (as No-Man): I’m…No-Man!
Janet (as Hewett): Help me, No-Man! I’m powerless to refuse!
Sam (as Boss): This can’t be!
Sam (as No-Man): Boss, I have one thing to say to your unfair demands: No.
[Pow! – a punch sound effect]
Sam (as Boss): Arrrggghhhhh!
Janet (as Hewett): No-Man! You’ve saved me from a weekend of misery!
Sam (as No-Man): It’s all in a healthy, 8-hour-day’s work for…No-Man.
Janet (as Narrator): Yes, No-Man’s power to say no is the scourge of unreasonable employers everywhere. Where will No-Man’s next adventure take him? Stay tuned!
[A swoosh sounds cuts us to part 2 of this scene:]
(Character breakdown: No-Man is as above; Hireling is a bit of a sad jellyfish, easy to push around; Mom is pushy and doesn’t listen.)
[Theme music: ‘soaring’ superhero music, something that makes you think of Superman; fade into: ambient office noise]
Janet (as Narrator): Welcome back to the adventures of No-Man! It looks like another overworked hireling is in trouble.
Sam (as Hireling): Oh, hi mom.
Janet (as Mom, over phone): Sweetie, listen, I’m coming to visit this weekend. I want to check up on you, we can go see Uncle Merle while I’m there, and I can’t wait to spend time with my baby!
Sam (as Hireling): Look, work’s been crazy, I really need a rest-
Janet (as Mom): You mean you don’t want to see me??
Janet (as Narrator): This looks like trouble. How can he possibly get out of this situation?
Sam (as Hireling): Oh, of course I want to see you. It’s just-
Janet (as Mom): Good. I’m gonna take you shopping while I’m there, and we should paint your hideous living room, too
Janet (as Narrator): This looks like a job for…
[Crash as No-Man bursts through wall]
Sam (as Hireling): Gasp! It’s No-Man!
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Mom): What? Are you having strange men over now? Who is that-
Sam (as No-Man): Hand over the phone, citizen.
Sam (as Hireling): Sure.
Sam (as No-Man): Good evening, ma’am. I have something to say on your son’s behalf.
Janet (as Mom): What’s there to say? I’m coming over this weekend and that’s that!
Sam (as No-Man): No.
[Pow!]
Janet (as Mom): WHAT?!
[Phone hanging up; dial tone]
Sam (as Hireling): No-Man! You’ve saved my weekend!
Sam (as No-Man): Enjoy your restorative break, citizen.
[Theme music; a swoosh sounds cuts us back to the office:]
Link (25:57)
Sam: I would never write a scene where bosses are the villains, Boss Baby.
Boss Baby: [Curious baby sounds]
Janet: Oh, no? Well, what about your clip from that episode.
Sam: See, in this scene, I was making fun of a President who is lazy, stupid, avoids work, eats junk food all day...
Boss Baby: [Insistent baby sounds]
Janet (relishing): A close personal friend, you say?
Boss Baby: [Chatty baby sounds]
Janet: I agree, let’s review his scene.
Sam: I hate you.
[A swoosh sound, cutting us to the clip:]
Clip: Executive Time (26:31)
(Character breakdown: The President’s Assistant is a ‘generic’ millennial worker – she just sounds like Janet’s peaking voice; his Legal Advisor (Legal) is by-the-book and nerdy; his Military Advisor (Military) is gruff, like a cartoon sergeant; his Culture Advisor (Culture) is pompous; his Magician sounds highly ostentatious; the Delivery Guy is a sort-of dopey slacker type.)
Sam (as Voiceover): Even the president needs work-life balance.
[Brief clip of grainy, old recording of “America the Beautiful”]
Sam (as Legal): Good morning, Thomas. They’ve got you posted here at the door, eh?
Janet (as Assistant): Indeed they do, Ma’am. I don’t mind. Whatever’s needed, I’m just happy to be here.
Sam (as Legal): Assistant to the President. Not an easy job.
Janet (as Assistant): Honestly, it’s been a pleasure. Dealing with all the advisors is just so interesting – discussing world conflict with the military secretary, theatre with the culture secretary, or law with yourself.
Sam (as Legal): Fantastic. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have some documents for POTUS.
Janet (as Assistant): Oh, I’m afraid it will have to wait, Sir. The President’s on Executive Time.
Sam (as Legal): Right, right. Executive time. How long is the current block?
Janet (as Assistant): Let me check the schedule… Executive time, executive time, lunch, more e.t. after lunch – buh, buh, buh... How’s next Thursday for you? Say, 9?
[Enter Military:]
Sam (as Military): Look alive, people.
Sam (as Legal): Morning, Dwight.
Janet (as Assistant): Sir, good morning, sir.
Sam (as Military): Good morning, Thomas. Now step aside, I’ve got an urgent matter to discuss with the President. I – Oh, don’t tell me…
Sam (as Legal): Executive time.
Sam (as Military): Damn it, Thomas, this is urgent: the East Germans have re-declared sovereignty! –
Janet (as Assistant): I can slot you in three Thursdays from now. 9?
[Enter Culture:]
Janet (as Culture): Morning, Thomas. Time to discuss the culture portfolio with – oh no, really?
Sam (as Military): What do you think?!
Janet (as Assistant): How’s next month?
Sam (as Military): This is really absurd.
Janet (as Assistant): Here’s what I can do, I’ll bring up the calendar here on my tablet and – 
[Tablet notification sound]
Janet (as Assistant): Ooh! A voice memo.
[The DDR national anthem plays in background]
Sam (as East German Dictator, from tablet with ‘telephone’-type effect): Wilkommen to zie new age. Ve vill conquer ze vurld, vhile ze President iz on Executive Time. Ho ho ho!
Sam (as East German Dictator): Auf wiedersehen!
[End anthem and message; enter Magician with a chime and a poof! of smoke]
Sam (as Magician): Hey folks, I’m the magician the President ordered, and – you’re kidding.
Sam and Janet (as All): Executive Time.
Sam (as Magician): So I packed his favourite ribbons for nothing. Well, what’s free?
Janet (as Assistant): This year is filling up. How about next year? What time is good for you?
Sam (as Magician): 9?
Janet (as Culture): A spy.
Sam (as Military): Get him.
[Footsteps of Magician and Advisors running away; as they do, their voices getting quieter]
Sam (as Magician): Ach du lieber!
Sam (as Legal): You’ll need a warrant, Dwight!
Janet (as Assistant, still ‘close’): Gosh, being the President must be a lot of work! Oh, hello.
Sam (as Food Delivery Guy): Yeah, three buckets of deep fried turkey parts.
[Door opening]
Janet (as Assistant): Go ahead. He’s been expecting you.
[Brief clip of grainy, old recording of “America the Beautiful”; a swoosh sound cuts us back to the office:]
Scene: Outro (28:53)
Janet: Boss Baby, we promise to do better.
Sam: Whatever it takes to stay on the air, we’ll do it.
Boss Baby: [Chatty baby talk]
Janet: A new format that’s true crime-meets-relationship advice?
Sam: And it’s hosted by some lobotomized Obama staffers?
Boss Baby: [Bah.]
Janet: You’re right, Boss Baby, it’s the perfect show.
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira – quiet, in background]
Sam: We won’t let you down.
Janet: We’ll be back next week with our best episode yet.
Sam: See you then.
Janet: Psst!
Sam: I shouldn’t.
Janet: He’s a big influencer.
Sam: Are you sure?
Janet: Boss Baby?! Are you kidding?
Sam: Fine. Uh, Boss Baby, before we go, are you following us on social media? We’re at-WorkItPod on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. An RT here or there could go a long way.
Boss Baby: [Chatty baby sounds]
Janet: Thank you for everything, Boss Baby.
Sam: There’s nothing we love so much as grovelling for our livelihood.
[Sam and Janet both grovel – “Thank you,” “Thank you, Boss Baby,” “You’re so generous” – as the episode fades out]