Ep. 006
Hand-in-Hand Through Their Worklife
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at work-life balance, full of dubious advice and raw unchecked cynicism, please stay on the line. 
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: OMG, people. It’s work it Episode 6, where we’re talking all about Work/Life Balance.
Balance is the word. You’re like a tightrope walker. Without a net. And the crowd is chanting, “Fall! Fall! Fall!”
This show’s here just in time for the holidays. Now, I’ve heard this episode and, man, there must be some naughty listeners out there. I begged to broadcast the sound of a lump of coal. No dice.
So prepare a balanced number of laughs, ‘cause here comes the first sketch.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]
Blackout: 6 Tips for Better Work/Life Balance, part 1 (1:17)
Sam (as Voiceover): A two-thousand fourteen study by Harvard Business School found that 94% of working professionals are logging more than 50 hours a week. And many worked even more than that. Luckily, Forbes came to the rescue with a blog post entitled “6 Tips for a Better Work-Life balance.” Throughout this episode, we’ll not only be reviewing the list: we’ll give you handy-dandy examples of how to put these tips into practice. These are:  Work It presents Forbes presents 6 Tips for a Better Work-Life balance.
Sam (as Voiceover): Tip 1: Let go of perfectionism.
[Ambience of a fast-food restaurant in background: cash register, murmuring]
Janet (as Fast Food Worker): Welcome to Work It Burger, home of the Big Yuck. May I take your order?
Sam (as Customer, distorted but understandable): I’d like two Work It Burgers, a Chicken Sammy, three orders of Janet Fries, and one Big Yuck.
Janet (as Fast Food Worker): That’s too hard. I’ll give you an onion ring.
Sam (as Customer, distorted): No, it’s two Work It Burgers…
[‘Hanging up’ sound]
Janet (as Fast Food Worker): Shut up.
Sam (as Manager): Janet, my office, immediately.
Janet (as Fast Food Worker): You worry too much, Mr. Stankman. What you need is work/life balance. Here, pass me that rat trap.
Sam (as Manager): I am reluctantly passing you the rat trap.
[Creak of a rat trap opening]
Janet (as Fast Food Worker): You’re in charge now, Ratty. Mr. Stankman needs a break.
[Rat squeaking happily]
Sam (as Voiceover): Tip 2: Unplug.
[Hospital ambience in background: beeping machines; vital sign machines]
Sam (as Assistant): Doctor, the patient is stable, but he’s going to need a rigorous plan of care to pull through.
Janet (as Doctor, relaxed): Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of work-life balance?
Sam (as Assistant): Well, yes, I am, but please Doctor, focus…
Janet (as Doctor): I was reading in Forbes that overworked people need to “unplug”. So, what if, instead of that rigorous plan of boring old work, we just…
[Sound of machine being unplugged; vitals flatline]
Janet (as Doctor): “Unplug.”
Sam (as Assistant, rushing to replug machine): But Doctor, that’s murder.
Janet (as Doctor, confident): No, it isn’t.
Scene: Work It Initiative (2:53)
Janet: [cheerfully] Good afternoon, everyone!
Sam: [sighs] Yeah. Hey.
Janet: Boy do I feel great! Can’t wait to tackle this episode, churn out some really sweet sketches. You with me, Sam?
Sam: Sure, whatever, Janet.
Janet: I can’t help but notice that you seem a little down in the dumps, Sam. Isn’t the new initiative working for you?
Sam: Oh god, not you, too!
Janet: Perhaps we should explain for our listeners at home! Work It’s benevolent overlords at Widget Media have implemented a new policy to help us maintain a healthy work-life balance.
Sam: Believe me, there is nothing healthy about this.
Janet: Oh come on, we should be happy to see companies taking an interest in their employees’ well-being like this.
Sam: By having Big Brother peering into every aspect of our lives?
Janet: So here’s how it works. Following the example of several other forward-thinking companies, our kind Widget leaders have started to track certain activities to make sure we, their employees, are staying happy and healthy. That’s it!
Sam: Yeah right, happy, healthy, and constantly monitored.
Janet: Yeah! It’s really high-tech, they do all this through apps and make our data available to everyone in the company. So for example, “Hey Widgelexa, show our sleep patterns.”
Sam: Don’t you dare.
Janet (as Widgelexa): Janet. You are getting a healthy 8 hours every night. Congratulations.
Janet: No coffee for me, thanks!
Sam: Must be nice.
Janet (as Widgelexa): Sam. You slept 3 only hours. You are in last place.
Janet: How can you be your best self?
Sam: See, this is the problem! So long as I’m doing my job, what business is it of yours-
Janet: Widgelexa, check on Sam’s physical well-being. You see, we’re also tracking our exercise and caloric intake, and holding a fun intra-office weight-loss competition!
Sam: I’m fine.
Janet (as Widgelexa): Sam. You only walked 7,000 steps yesterday. This is your prerogative and we’re not here to judge, but the company average was 10,000.
Sam: Come on, I’m in perfectly good shape!
Janet: Well, you’ll get to prove it at our next office weigh-in. See, I’ve started skipping lunch to hit the gym.
Sam: That’s not healthy, Janet!
Janet: But it pleases our bosses, Sam. What could be healthier than that?
Sam: Pitting co-workers against each other in a competition with real health implications??
Janet: Boy, someone’s grumpy! Widgelexa, what’s wrong with Sam?
Janet (as Widgelexa): Constipation alert. Only 2 bowel movements this week.
Sam: What??
Janet: Wow, okay, as your friend, I have to tell you that 3 bowel movements a week is the bare minimum. I don’t wanna make you feel inadequate or anything, but-
Sam: That’s none of your business!
Janet: Sure, fine, maybe it’s not that. Let’s see what else
Janet (as Widgelexa): Alert. Athlete’s foot.
Sam: Stop it!
Janet: Oh, and management wanted me to have a word with you about your love life.
Sam: No.
Janet: We have some thoughts on how you can spice things up.
Sam: No!
Janet: What’s the matter, Sam? Don’t you want to maintain a healthy work-life balance?
Sam: I want my private life and my work life to be separate! That’s it! No competitions, no Widgelexa, no sex tips from management.
Janet: Hm.
Sam: Okay???
Janet (as Widgelexa): Alert. Thought crimes. Stand by.
[SFX marching feet]
Sam: What’s going on?
Janet: It’s for your own good, Sam. Widget Media just wants what’s best for their employees.
[SFX door opens]
Janet: Ah, hello again, guards.
Sam: Not this again!
Janet: Don’t worry, Sam, your re-education will make everything right.
[SFX door closes, machine gun à la Sam’s sketch in this vein]
Scene: Executive Time (5:48)
(Character breakdown: The President’s Assistant is a ‘generic’ millennial worker – she just sounds like Janet’s peaking voice; his Legal Advisor (Legal) is by-the-book and nerdy; his Military Advisor (Military) is gruff, like a cartoon sergeant; his Culture Advisor (Culture) is pompous; his Magician sounds highly ostentatious; the Delivery Guy is a sort-of dopey slacker type.)
Sam (as Voiceover): Even the president needs work-life balance.
[Brief clip of grainy, old recording of “America the Beautiful”]
Sam (as Legal): Good morning, Thomas. They’ve got you posted here at the door, eh?
Janet (as Assistant): Indeed they do, Ma’am. I don’t mind. Whatever’s needed, I’m just happy to be here.
Sam (as Legal): Assistant to the President. Not an easy job.
Janet (as Assistant): Honestly, it’s been a pleasure. Dealing with all the advisors is just so interesting – discussing world conflict with the military secretary, theatre with the culture secretary, or law with yourself.
Sam (as Legal): Fantastic. Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have some documents for POTUS.
Janet (as Assistant): Oh, I’m afraid it will have to wait, Sir. The President’s on Executive Time.
Sam (as Legal): Right, right. Executive time. How long is the current block?
Janet (as Assistant): Let me check the schedule… Executive time, executive time, lunch, more e.t. after lunch – buh, buh, buh... How’s next Thursday for you? Say, 9?
[Enter Military:]
Sam (as Military): Look alive, people.
Sam (as Legal): Morning, Dwight.
Janet (as Assistant): Sir, good morning, sir.
Sam (as Military): Good morning, Thomas. Now step aside, I’ve got an urgent matter to discuss with the President. I – Oh, don’t tell me…
Sam (as Legal): Executive time.
Sam (as Military): Damn it, Thomas, this is urgent: the East Germans have re-declared sovereignty! –
Janet (as Assistant): I can slot you in three Thursdays from now. 9?
[Enter Culture:]
Janet (as Culture): Morning, Thomas. Time to discuss the culture portfolio with – oh no, really?
Sam (as Military): What do you think?!
Janet (as Assistant): How’s next month?
Sam (as Military): This is really absurd.
Janet (as Assistant): Here’s what I can do, I’ll bring up the calendar here on my tablet and – 
[Tablet notification sound]
Janet (as Assistant): Ooh! A voice memo.
[The DDR national anthem plays in background]
Sam (as East German Dictator, from tablet with ‘telephone’-type effect): Wilkommen to zie new age. Ve vill conquer ze vurld, vhile ze President iz on Executive Time. Ho ho ho!
Sam (as East German Dictator): Auf wiedersehen!
[End anthem and message; enter Magician with a chime and a poof! of smoke]
Sam (as Magician): Hey folks, I’m the magician the President ordered, and – you’re kidding.
Sam and Janet (as All): Executive Time.
Sam (as Magician): So I packed his favourite ribbons for nothing. Well, what’s free?
Janet (as Assistant): This year is filling up. How about next year? What time is good for you?
Sam (as Magician): 9?
Janet (as Culture): A spy.
Sam (as Military): Get him.
[Footsteps of Magician and Advisors running away; as they do, their voices getting quieter]
Sam (as Magician): Ach du lieber!
Sam (as Legal): You’ll need a warrant, Dwight!
Janet (as Assistant, still ‘close’): Gosh, being the President must be a lot of work! Oh, hello.
Sam (as Food Delivery Guy): Yeah, three buckets of deep fried turkey parts.
[Door opening]
Janet (as Assistant): Go ahead. He’s been expecting you.
[Brief clip of grainy, old recording of “America the Beautiful”]
Blackout: No-Man, part 1 (8:03)
(Character breakdown: Boss speaks quickly and insistently in a gruff voice; No-Man is bombastic and heroic, like an archetypal Superman caricature; Hewett is a browbeaten, desperate worker.)
[Theme music: ‘soaring’ superhero music, something that makes you think of Superman; fade into: ambient office noise]
Janet (as Narrator): A typical office on a typical work day. But what’s this?
Sam (as Boss): Okay Hewett, here’s what I need you to do. You’re gonna put in as many hours as it takes to get this report finished, I don’t care how tired you are! We don’t pay overtime here, it’s all about the team. You got it?
Janet (as Hewett): Uh…uh, okay, boss…
Janet (as Narrator): A worker in trouble! Who will save her from this demanding boss?
Sam (as Boss): Good! You’re gonna eat here, sleep here, whatever it takes! I don’t care if your kid’s got a soccer game, your wife leaves you, none of that matters! It’s all about the report…
Janet (as Hewett): Oh no…
Janet (as Narrator): This looks like a job for…
[SFX wall crashing down or something; theme music]
Sam (as No-Man): Stop right there, Boss!
[SFX gasps]
Sam (as Boss): Who in the heck are you?
Sam (as No-Man): I’m…No-Man!
Janet (as Hewett): Help me, No-Man! I’m powerless to refuse!
Sam (as Boss): This can’t be!
Sam (as No-Man): Boss, I have one thing to say to your unfair demands: No.
[Pow! – a punch sound effect]
Sam (as Boss): Arrrggghhhhh!
Janet (as Hewett): No-Man! You’ve saved me from a weekend of misery!
Sam (as No-Man): It’s all in a healthy, 8-hour-day’s work for…No-Man.
Janet (as Narrator): Yes, No-Man’s power to say no is the scourge of unreasonable employers everywhere. Where will No-Man’s next adventure take him? Stay tuned!
Scene: After Hours (9:19)
Sam (as Voiceover): The new job. Monday.
[Mellow, loungey jazz in background]
Janet (as Wife, interested): So…?
Sam (as Husband): So what?
Janet (as Wife): Cut it out, Roger, how was your first day at work?
Sam (as Husband): It was good. They seem to have a really good culture.
Janet (as Wife): You told them about the importance of work/life balance, right?
Sam (as Husband): I did and he totally get it, I –
[Ping! A phone alert]
Sam (as Husband): Oh, speak of the devil. There’s an email from him now.
Janet (as Wife): Emailing after hours… That’s a big red flag, honey.
Sam (as Husband): Don’t be silly, look.
Janet (as Wife, reading aloud): Hey Roger…
[And we cut to:]
Janet (as Boss, voiceover): Welcome aboard! Can’t wait to have you on the team. P.S. Don’t worry, these late night emails won’t be a pattern, lol, wink emoticon.
Sam (as Husband): See? Nothing to worry about.
Janet (as Wife): We’ll see.
Sam (as Voiceover): Tuesday.
[Door closing]
Sam (as Husband): Hey, honey. Sorry I’m late.
Janet (as Wife): Was it your job?
Sam (as Husband): No. Sort of. We’re just playing catch up since it took them a while to hire me.
Janet (as Wife): Roger, we talked about this. You can’t let them walk all over you.
Sam (as Husband): They won’t, we’re nearly caught up now.
Janet (as Wife): Well, come on, I made Mr. Noodles salad.
Sam (as Husband): My favourite!
[Bzzt – a phone notification]
Sam (as Husband): A voice memo.
Janet (as Boss): Great work today, Roger. Really great. Can’t wait to see your revisions in the morning.
Sam (as Husband): The morning? They weren’t supposed to be due till the afternoon…
Janet (as Wife): Why are you grabbing your laptop? You’re not doing them now are you?
Sam (as Husband): I can work while we eat… How was your day?
[Typing , continuous in background till end of ‘day’]
Janet (as Wife): Good night, dear.
Sam (as Husband, distracted): Night! Are you gonna finish your salad?
[Door closing ‘upstairs’]
Sam (as Husband, cheeky): That’s a no. Mmm, crunchy.
Sam (as Voiceover): Wednesday.
[Restaurant ambience – they’re out for dinner]
Sam (as Husband): So, I’m really sorry about last night.
Janet (as Wife): It’s fine. I just really want to make sure we get time together for things like this.
Sam (as Husband): Of course, Date Night is important to me too.
Janet (as Wife): I’m glad to hear it. What are you having?
Sam (as Husband): I might ask if they could do some kind of Mr Noodle salad but I’m still thinking.
Janet (as Boss): Hope I’m not interrupting.
Sam (as Husband): Oh, no. Not at all. Uh, honey, this is my new boss.
Janet (as Wife): Pleasure to meet you.
Janet (as Boss): Roger’s been a great addition at the office.
Janet (as Wife, not ecstatic): I’m ecstatic to hear it.
Janet (as Boss): You know, I’m here on my own. Do you mind if I join you?
Sam (as Husband): No, of course not. We don’t mind, do we honey?
[Beat – no answer]
See, pull up a seat.
Janet (as Boss): Great. I’ve got some mockups back at my table I’ll just bring over. Back in a sec.
Sam (as Husband): Great. We can look at mockups. During Date Night.
Janet (as Wife): See you at home, Roger.
[Footsteps; the ‘jangle’ of the restaurant‘s door opening and closing]
Janet (as Boss): Hope I didn’t scare her off. Now, I like the blue version here, but the light blue is nice too…
Sam (as Voiceover): Thursday.
Sam (as Husband): It won’t happen again.
Janet (as Wife, distracted): It better not.
Sam (as Husband): I told him, I said, sir, I really need to stress that work/life balance is important to me.
Janet (as Wife): Good.
Sam (as Husband): Hey, what are you looking at?
Janet (as Wife): Come to the window. That car’s been across the street all night.
Sam (as Husband): It’s probably the Allens’ car.
Janet (as Wife): I know their car, I haven’t seen this car on this block before.
Sam (as Husband): It’s nothing, now come back to the couch, your Mr. Noodles salad is getting cold.
Janet (as Wife): I might just stick to crackers.
Sam (as Husband): Okay, more for me.
[Knock, knock, knock on the door]
Janet (as Boss, muffled, from outside): Roger, I was just in the neighbourhood and saw your lights were on.
Sam (as Husband, whispering): Be totally quiet!
Janet (as Wife, whispering): Tell him to leave!
Sam (as Husband, whispering): He’ll leave in a second.
Janet (as Boss): I know you’re in there.
Sam (as Voiceover): Friday.
Sam (as Husband): Are you coming to bed?
Janet (as Wife): First, I want you to promise.
Sam (as Husband): Absolutely: I’ll quit on Monday.
Janet (as Wife): You promise.
Sam (as Husband): I do, I promise.
Janet (as Wife): Your work/life balance is really suffering, honey. It’s affecting our relationship.
Sam (as Husband): I know, and last night was the last straw.
Janet (as Wife): Well… good. I want you to be happy.
Sam (as Husband): Love you, honey.
Janet (as Wife): Night, Roger.
[Click of light switch]
Sam (as Husband): [Snoring]
[The sound of a harp whisks us away to dreamland – jolly, fairytale, lullaby music plays in background]
Janet (as Munchkin): Welcome back, Roger. Princess Sugarplum is waiting for you.
Sam (as Husband, dreamily): Ah, the Candy Kingdom dream again. Well, I don’t want to keep the princess waiting.
Janet (as Munchkin): Who’s your friend?
Sam (as Husband): Huh?
Janet (as Boss): Hi Roger, I thought I’d find you here.
[Music fades out]
Blackout: 6 Tips for Better Work/Life Balance, part 2 (12:37)
Sam (as Voiceover): Tip 3: Exercise and meditate.
[Office ambience]
Sam (as Employee One): Hey, check it out.
Janet (as Employee Two): Wow, I've never seen a desk like that!
Sam (as Employee One): I’ve been thinking I need some more work-life balance, so I’m going to start exercising while I’m at my desk.
Janet (as Employee Two): So you got yourself a stationary-bike desk. I didn’t know they made those.
Sam (as Employee One): Stationary?
[Bike bell; crash as bike plows into things and knocks desks over, etc.]
Sam (as Voiceover): Tip 4: Limit time-wasting activities and people.
[Office ambience]
Sam (as Manager): Morning, Jenkins.
Janet (as Jenkins): Morning, Sir/Ma’am.
Sam (as Manager): Say, what’s that little doo-dad on your desk?
Janet (as Jenkins): It’s an egg-timer. See, I’m trying to get a better work/life balance. I just need to limit the things that waste my time.
Sam (as Manager): Efficiency, I like it. So, let’s talk about our targets this quarter.
Janet (as Jenkins): Fantastic!
[Winding up egg-timer multiple times; tick-tick-tick of it running]
Janet (as Jenkins): Go ahead.
Sam (as Manager): Don’t worry, this won’t be a waste of time.
Janet (as Jenkins, not convinced): Mm-hm.
Sam (as Manager): So, this target, we’re aiming to get revenue…
[Ding! of the timer goind off]
Janet (as Jenkins): Time!
Sam (as Manager): But seriously, this target…
Janet (as Jenkins, plugging ears, sing-song): La, la, la. I can’t hear you.
Scene: How to Have it All (13:37)
[Some bland muzak in background]
Janet: Elon Musk, billionaire CEO of Tesla and SpaceX, and possible supervillain, recently argued that no one ever changed the world by working only 40 hours a week.
Sam: When asked on twitter how long his ideal work week was, he said it “varies per person, but about 80 sustained, peaking above 100 at times.”
Janet: Many of us scoff at such a notion. Hell, I’m not even awake for 80 hours a week.
Sam: So surely we can all learn valuable lessons from everyone’s favourite megalomaniacal man-child. Let’s take a look at how Elon manages to have it all on 80 hours a week
Janet: Take relationships. Your time with your romantic partner is limited, so remember: communication is key! Elon showed the power of honesty when he told his wife “I am the alpha in this relationship” (on their wedding day) and “If you were my employee, I would fire you.”
Sam: Truly, seeing every interaction with your life partner as a high-stakes power struggle is the path to happiness. Another trick is to find those little opportunities to show how you prioritise your relationship over your career.
Janet: For example, Elon made a cute little 420 joke for his girlfriend Grimes recently, tweeting that he would make Tesla private for $420 a share.
Sam: That adorable interaction cost Elon $20 million in government-issued fines and the position of chairman of Tesla’s board.
Janet: What a charmer!
Sam: The next trick to having it all: surround yourself with a loyal support network.
Janet: In Elon’s case, his closest friends are his 23 million Twitter followers, every single one of whom is a white, cishet man with bad facial hair.
Sam: And they’re the sort of fiercely devoted, cult-like worshippers we all need in our lives!
Janet: When one twitter commenter suggested that Elon donate to a food bank instead of building more rocketships, hundreds of enlightened beings piled on to defend their hero from this unthinkable besmirching of his name.
Sam: It’s like I always say, get yourself 23 million friends who will respond to innocuous criticisms with virulent attacks. And when that’s not enough, here’s Elon’s next lesson: be your own biggest cheerleader.
Janet: After Elon personally saved the world by sending an unwanted submarine to Thailand to assist with a cave rescue, one of the rescue workers had the gall to describe Elon’s intervention as ‘useless’.
Sam: We all know what happened next. Elon carved out time from his busy schedule to stand up for himself and bravely call this rescuer a ‘pedo’.
Janet: Which leads to Elon’s next trick for having it all on 80 hours a week: make time for yourself.
Sam: Uh-oh, you just made a public commitment to do something time-consuming which earned you loads of praise and admiration. How can you prioritise your me-time now?
Janet: Easy: skip out on your commitments! When reports of injuries in Tesla factories emerged, Elon went straight to the press, pledging to meet personally with every injured worker.
Sam: The public ate it up, but Elon’s true feat of work-life balance came next, when he didn’t, in fact, meet with injured workers.
Janet: Which would have been impossible, considering his workers are constantly getting injured. Brilliant time management skills!
Sam: And with all that spare time he’s saved, Elon is free to pursue side projects.
Janet: Who can forget that perfectly logical use of his precious time, sending his own Tesla car into heliocentric orbit?
Sam: Or his pet project, the Boring Company, which was ostensibly created to solve LA’s traffic problems by digging tunnels, but actually seems to be an excuse to crack boring puns.
Janet: And only a man who has absolutely not gone mad from stress and overwork can come up with the idea of selling 20,000 flamethrowers to fans for no apparent reason!
Sam: The billionaire who has it all needs to have fun.
Janet: Speaking of which, when overworked Tesla employees started to talk about unionising, Elon nipped that chatter right in the bud with extravagant promises - why would they want to ruin his fun by unionising, when they, too, can have it all?
Sam: And by “all”, we mean frozen yogurt and roller coasters.
And there it is. The haters and doubters out there thought it was impossible to work 80 hours a week and still have it all, but Elon Musk is living proof that they were wrong.
Janet: Follow Elon’s balanced example, and you too can change the world, one union-busting froyo stand at a time.
Blackout: No-Man, part 2 (16:38)
(Character breakdown: No-Man is as above; Hireling is a bit of a sad jellyfish, easy to push around; Mom is pushy and doesn’t listen.)
[Theme music: ‘soaring’ superhero music, something that makes you think of Superman; fade into: ambient office noise]
Janet (as Narrator): Welcome back to the adventures of No-Man! It looks like another overworked hireling is in trouble.
Sam (as Hireling): Oh, hi mom.
Janet (as Mom, over phone): Sweetie, listen, I’m coming to visit this weekend. I want to check up on you, we can go see Uncle Merle while I’m there, and I can’t wait to spend time with my baby!
Sam (as Hireling): Look, work’s been crazy, I really need a rest-
Janet (as Mom): You mean you don’t want to see me??
Janet (as Narrator): This looks like trouble. How can he possibly get out of this situation?
Sam (as Hireling): Oh, of course I want to see you. It’s just-
Janet (as Mom): Good. I’m gonna take you shopping while I’m there, and we should paint your hideous living room, too
Janet (as Narrator): This looks like a job for…
[Crash as No-Man bursts through wall]
Sam (as Hireling): Gasp! It’s No-Man!
[Brief organ fanfare]
Janet (as Mom): What? Are you having strange men over now? Who is that-
Sam (as No-Man): Hand over the phone, citizen.
Sam (as Hireling): Sure.
Sam (as No-Man): Good evening, ma’am. I have something to say on your son’s behalf.
Janet (as Mom): What’s there to say? I’m coming over this weekend and that’s that!
Sam (as No-Man): No.
[Pow!]
Janet (as Mom): WHAT?!
[Phone hanging up; dial tone]
Sam (as Hireling): No-Man! You’ve saved my weekend!
Sam (as No-Man): Enjoy your restorative break, citizen.
[Theme music]
Scene: Kafka’s “A Man of Balance” (17:46)
Sam (as Voiceover): And now, Work It presents a lost story of Franz Kafka, “A Man of Balance.”
[Melancholy piano music in background]
Sam: On a chill winter day, in a small town near our own, Jakub F. entered the office tower where he would begin his first job. 
Jakub F. considered himself a man of balance, you see. He esteemed that a life must contain equal parts of work and leisure to be well lived.
As he entered his place of work, an eager and not unattractive young man introduced himself as Middle Manager Tomas. His suit was large and hung off him, but he had a charming enthusiasm for work that could not but encourage Jakub F. as well. Middle Manager Tomas excitedly told Jakub F. how much he’d heard about him. 
Jakub F. inquired how he was to begin. Middle Manager Tomas said, “Of course, of course,”  and directed Jakub F. to consult with Human Resources. “Where is it?” asked Jakub F. “You can’t miss it,” replied Middle Manager Tomas. And with that, he ducked behind the heavy doors of the boardroom.
Jakub F. searched the floor, and wove his way among the cubicle for Human Resources, but the office failed to reveal itself.
The day came to an end and Jakub F. still had had no luck. Putting on his coat to head home, Jakub F. was pleased to see Middle Manager Tomas approaching him. “Heading home after a good day of work, I see?” Jakub F. replied, “My good man, that was my sincere intent, but in truth I could not find Human Resources.”
Middle Manager Tomas was seized by a tragic look. “Oh dear,” he said. “Oh dear. You strike me as a man of balance, Jakub F. And yet here you are, preparing to go live your life, when you have yet to complete even the simplest task assigned to you.”
“The imbalance is sitting poorly with me as well.”
“But what do you propose?” replied Middle Manager Tomas.
“I shall stay late – just a little – and put in ample work that I might enjoy ample leisure.” Middle Manager Tomas' expression was utterly revitalized, and he grasped Jakub F.’s arm and shook it vigorously and amiably.
In a moment, Middle Manager Tomas had departed and the office was quiet as a mausoleum. “I shall find work to do,” Jakub F. told himself. And so he began his search for meaningful work around the office. He would search every corner if he had to. Work/life balance was surely hiding just around the corner.
Scene: Angel/Demon (20:11)
(Character breakdown: Rosie is the latest in this episode’s long line of desperate millennial workers; and Boss is the same, but for gruff and pushy and exploitative bosses; Angel is sweet and innocent, Demon is nasty and manipulative – they’re both soaked in reverb effect and panned in the speakers; Ghost is a typical ‘stoner’ caricature.)
[Phone rings]
Janet (as Rosie): Hello?
Sam (as Boss, over phone): Yeah hey, Rosie, Sherman here. Listen, I know it’s your day off today, but we’ve got no one to cover for Troy. Can you come in?
Janet (as Rosie): Oh. Uhh, I’ve already got some pretty important stuff booked for today…
Sam (as Boss): Listen, I get it, you need to live your life. But you know, I’m gonna be thinking about promotions soon, and a little team effort can go a long way, so…
[Harp flourish; poof!]
Sam (as Demon): Ooooo, that sounds good, doesn’t it, Rosie?
Janet (as Rosie): [gasp] What are you? Why are you on my shoulder?
Sam (as Demon): I’m the Work Demon, Rosie. Don’t let the name fool you, I’m just here to further your career.
Janet (as Rosie): But I’m exhausted, Demon! I need a day off!
Sam (as Demon): Think of the prestige, though. You could finally get your big raise out of this. Just in time for the holidays…
Janet (as Rosie): I dunno…
[Harp flourish; poof!]
Janet (as Angel): Rosie! Stop! Think of your mental health!
Janet (as Rosie): Gah! Are…are you an angel?
Janet (as Angel): That’s right, my child. I’m the Life Angel, here to save you from the corrupting influence of the Work Demon.
Sam (as Demon): Get outta here, you career saboteur!
Janet (as Angel): Rosie. Think of all the important tasks you were planning today. Sorting out your taxes, doing the laundry, cooking lots of healthy food to get you through the week…
Janet (as Rosie): Maybe you’re right. I really need this time to get my life in order.
Sam (as Demon): You’re listening to her?? You wanna be stuck with minimum wage forever??
Janet (as Rosie): Well…I guess I can work just this once, get in the boss’s good books…This could be my ticket out of menial labour!
Janet (as Angel): Rosie, I beg you! What about that dentist appointment? You know you need to get that checked!
Janet (as Rosie): Oh no oh no, I really do need those fillings! I don’t know what to do!!
Sam (as Boss): Uh, Rosie? You still there?
Janet (as Rosie): Do I choose work? Or life??
[Harp flourish; poof!]
Sam (as Ghost): Hey man.
Janet (as Rosie): What- what on earth are you??
Sam (as Demon): Oh no!
Janet (as Angel): Not him!!
Sam (as Ghost): Uh, I’m the Lazy F-[censor beep]-cker Ghost.
Janet (as Angel): Rosie, don’t listen to him!
Sam (as Demon): Think of your future!
Sam (as Ghost): So like, I say, screw work and life, man. Why not just smoke a blunt and play Zelda in your underwear all day, man?
Janet (as Rosie): Hm…
Janet (as Angel): My child! Think of your laundry!
Sam (as Demon): Think of your earnings!
Janet (as Rosie): Sorry, Sherman, I can’t make it today. 
[Click as phone is hung up] 
Come on guys, let’s get baked.
Blackout: 6 Tips for Better Work/Life Balance, part 3 (22:33)
Sam (as Voiceover): Tip 5: Change the structure of your life.
[Office ambience]
Janet (as Manager): Williams, I need to talk to you about your whole desk situation.
Sam (as Williams): Desk, Ma’am? No, no, no. After a full day of hard work, I’ve reimagined my work station as a highly secure fort. Well, desk-fort.
Janet (as Manager): Yes, I can see that.
Sam (as Williams): It’s called work/life balance. Did you notice the towers?
Janet (as Manager): You mean the stacks of post-its?
Sam (as Williams): And how about the moat?
Janet (as Manager): What moat?
Sam (as Williams): Oh, it must have dried up. One sec…
[Pisssss – get it? He’s urinating]
Sam (as Voiceover): Tip 6: Start small. Build from there.
Sam: Janet, I’m trying to write this scene and it’s messing with my work/life balance.
Janet: Well okay, let’s get to work on a draft?
Sam: Start smaller.
Janet: Do you have a premise? We could brainstorm.
Sam: Smaller.
Janet: Is your writing software even open? Let’s break the story.
Sam: Uh-uh. Smaller.
Janet: How much smaller can you get?
Sam: Atoms, Janet. Atoms. Now I’ve this tiny hammer and…
[Ka-boom! A huge explosion]
Janet: Fine, you’ve obliterated the planet. Can we get to work?
Sam: Eh, after lunch.
Scene: Ask the Experts (23:42)
(In this scene, Sam and Janet conduct ‘interviews’ with spliced clips from actual interviews with the moguls in question.)
[Innocuous muzak in background]
Sam (as Voiceover): Ask the Experts.
Janet: Jeff Bezos, what are your thoughts on work-life balance? 
Jeff Bezos: The number one thing that people are doing on their iPad right now, if you look at the rankings, they're playing a game called Angry Birds where you throw birds at pigs and the pigs blow up.
Janet: How about you, Jamie Dimon?
Jamie Dimon: Do you know what? I'm going to leave the room. You guys stay here for 10 minutes. I'm going to come back.
Janet: Jack Dorsey, what do you have to say about work-life balance?
Jack Dorsey: We put structure in place recently that, uh, really merge product engineering and design so we can increase our ship and cadence and we can really deliver on the five priorities we laid out–
[His voice becomes reversed and increasingly distorted in a bit of psychedelic nightmare fuel]
Janet: Tim Cook, do you want to weigh in on work-life balance?
Tim Cook: You can't have a backdoor that's only for the good guys. Any back door is something that bad guys can explore.
Janet: So, what do you think, Elizabeth Holmes?
Elizabeth Holmes: This is what happens when you work to change things, and first they think you're crazy, then they fight you, and then all of a sudden, you change the world. And up–
Sam: Sheldon Adelson, what do you think about work-life balance?
Sheldon Adelson: I don't necessarily want to build a dynasty. So when you think ahead, in three generations from now, my children's children’s children. Do I really care about them? I don't even know who they are. They don't exist.
Sam: Zuck, my man, you must have something to say about work-life balance.
Mark Zuckerberg: I believe so. And I want to be careful here, because our work with the special counsel is confidential
Scene: Mommy Blogger (25:16)
(Character breakdown: Andy is a unremarkable talk show host – fairly sedate; Missy is a peppy, has-it-all girl boss type – or so it seems.)
[Daytime talk show theme music; audience applause]
Sam (as Andy): Hello everyone, welcome back to The Andy Show! My next guest needs no introduction. She’s the creator of the popular blog Power Mom, author of 71 books, including her latest bestseller, Mom’s Rules, and proud mother of 6 kids. Please welcome Missy the Mom!
[Audience applause]
Janet (as Missy): Thank you! Thanks, hi Andy.
Sam (as Andy): Missy, thanks so much for joining us.
Janet (as Missy): It’s my pleasure, Andy. What a joy to be here.
Sam (as Andy): So Missy, you’re an icon to all busy moms out there. You have a big family, a happy marriage, a successful career - how do you manage it all?
Janet (as Missy): Well, I’m glad you asked, because that’s really the focus of my latest book, Mom’s Rules.
Sam (as Andy): And the 70 books you wrote before that.
Janet (as Missy): That’s right, yes, so I’d say I’m an expert at this point! [laughs]
Sam (as Andy): But seriously, you’re constantly working, you’re constantly on book tours. What advice do you have for other busy moms?
Janet (as Missy): For starters, I’d tell all you moms out there to run a tight ship. Plan every moment of your family’s day.
Sam (as Andy): Uh-huh.
Janet (as Missy): Prepare all meals in advance. Carve out lots of time to spend with your kids, quality time with your spouse, and of course lots of me-time!
Sam (as Andy): Wow, you make it all sound so easy.
Janet (as Missy): Oh it’s a breeze!
Sam (as Andy): Does your husband help out at all?
Janet (as Missy): Oh nononono, I’d never ask him to have any involvement in his kids’ lives. How emasculating!
Sam (as Andy): It’s…honestly, it’s still kind of hard to see how you manage to find all this time. There’s only so many hours in a day!
Janet (as Missy): Oh well, you know. We all cut corners where we can, right moms?
[Audience applause]
Janet (as Missy): Only two of my kids are getting much engagement on social media, so the other 4 are no longer with us.
Sam (as Andy): I still can’t figure out your schedule. I mean, here’s an instagram of you in Australia…and then a picture of you with your two popular kids in Oregon later that day.
Janet (as Missy): Oh! Well you know-
Sam (as Andy): And based on the release schedule of your books, you’re writing roughly 150 pages a day.
Janet (as Missy): Well, when you’re inspired-
Sam (as Andy): It’s impossible, Missy! It’s physically impossible to live your life! How are you doing it??
[Beat]
Janet (as Missy): I’m not sure the world is ready to hear my secret.
Sam (as Andy): I think we’re pretty ready. Right, audience?
[Audience applause]
Janet (as Missy): Well, you asked for it.
[Creaky wheels]
Janet (as Missy): Behold! My machine.
[SFX audience gasp]
Janet (as Missy): A tremendous feat of engineering by the brilliant minds at Tesla. I step inside, and with the flick of a switch it creates a precise duplicate of me.
Sam (as Andy): A cloning machine??
Janet (as Missy): In a word, yes. Through the magic of technology, I am everywhere at once, raising children, writing books, and chatting with you on daytime television.
Sam (as Andy): But…but why is the world not overrun with your clones? We’ve never seen two of you in the same place.
Janet (as Missy): Oh it’s simple, Andy. Once a duplicate has performed her task, she is…disposed of.
Sam (as Andy): You mean-
Janet (as Missy): Yes. Drawing inspiration from Christopher Nolan’s 2006 blockbuster The Prestige, I drown them in a tank of water and stash them in an abandoned cellar. Top tip, moms: use blind assistants to help out! They’ll never know your secret.
Sam (as Andy): You’re- you’re a monster!
Janet (as Missy): Am I, Andy?
Janet (as Missy, brightly): Or am I the best darn mommy blogger there ever was??
[Audience applause; theme music fades in, as dialogue begins fading out]
Sam (as Andy): Wait, is that the one with Edward Norton?
Janet (as Missy): No, idiot, that’s the Illusionist.
Sam (as Andy): Kinda like an Armageddon/Deep Impact situation.
Blackout: No-Man, part 3 (27:51)
(Character breakdown: No-Man is as before; Manager is gruff and pushy, Employee is cowed and simpering; Yes-Man is weasley and ingratiating.)
[Theme music: ‘soaring’ superhero music, something that makes you think of Superman; fade into: ambient office noise]
Janet (as Narrator): Another day, another unreasonable manager throwing their weight around.
Sam (as Manager): This project needs to be done in precisely the way I tell you! I don’t care if you think it’s inefficient or a waste of time, you’ll do as I say!
Janet (as Employee): Uh…I guess you know best…
Janet (as Narrator): This looks like a job for…
[Crash as No-Man bursts through wall]
Sam (as No-Man): Not so fast, Manager!
Janet (as Narrator): But wait!
Janet (as Yes-Man): Oh yes, Mr Carlton, you absolutely do know best. The other staff don’t think so, you know, but I’m always defending you! [Evil cackle]
Sam (as No-Man): Oh no!
Janet (as Narrator): It’s No-Man’s arch-nemesis: Yes-Man!
Sam (as Manager): Tell me more.
Janet (as Yes-Man): Your instructions are always crystal-clear and reasonable! [evil cackle]
Janet (as Employee): No-Man! Please help!
Sam (as No-Man): The…brown-nosing…it’s too powerful!
Janet (as Narrator): Is this the end of No-Man??? Tune in next week and find out!
[Theme music]
Scene: Outro (28:53)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: Thus concludes the episode, but let me leave you with this thought: if it felt like a lot of work to get through this show, you’re welcome. You are now entitled to one half-hour of life.
Work It is part of a healthy, balanced podcast. Now with marshmallows.
In order to live a fully balanced life, make sure to follow us across social media: we’re @workitpod on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. Visit workitpod.com for more info. And give us a 5-star review, that most balanced of ratings.
Happy holidays, folks. 
[The music fades out]