Ep. 005
The First Job is the Deepest
Cold Open (0:00)
(Character breakdown: Some Teens (or thereabouts) in a locker room (or thereabouts) swapping gossipy stories.)
Sam (as Teen 1): My first was when I was 16.
Sam and Janet (as Other Teens): Woaaaahhh.
Sam (as Teen 1): What about you, when was your first?
Janet (as Teen 2): 14!
Sam and Janet (as Other Teens): Woaaaahhh.
Janet (as Teen 2): What about you?
Janet (as Teen 3, nervous/embarrassed): My, my first? Uh….
Sam (as Teen 1): Yeah, how old were you?
Janet (as Teen 3, nervous/embarrassed): Well, I was, ah….
Janet (as Teen 2): C’mon!
Janet (as Teen 3, nervous/embarrassed): Never.
Sam and Janet (as Other Teens): Ah ha ha, loser!
Sam (as Teen 1): Are you serious? You’ve never had a job?
Janet (as Teen 2): Dude, you’re going to die broke.
Sam and Janet (as Other Teens): Ah ha ha!
Janet (as Teen 3, nervous/embarrassed): Wait, we were talking about jobs? [Beat.] I need to make a phone call!
[Phone dialing, which segues to:]
Scene: Intro (0:46)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at first jobs, full of broken dreams and a surprising amount of slaughter. 
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Look alive, people, it's Work It, episode five, “The First Job is the Deepest.” Today, we’re talking all about first jobs. 
First jobs are special. You deal with customers for the first time and, in so doing, you get your first real sense of just how doomed we all are. What's that? Would you like a discount on this episode, I’ll need to speak with my manager. 
So dig in, start your work life, and if you're lucky, we'll see you here for the next 50 years. Hope you didn't have plans.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]
Scene: Future First Jobs, part 1 (2:03)
[Heavy rainfall and melancholy piano music in background]
Sam (as Narrator): In the future, the world will burn, cities will fall, and humanity will fight for survival. But what will we do for work? These are: Future First Jobs.
Newspaper delivery kid.
Janet (as Voiceover): Even with all printing and broadcasting infrastructure destroyed, the news still matters. You’ll go from town to town delivering pieces of paper with crude illustrations of a giant slug. If people ask, slugs are attacking us. Or we might be attacking them. Or giant slugs may hold key to cancer research. We’re not really sure. Can’t exactly call Reuters.
Sam (as Narrator): Fast food worker.
Sam (as Voiceoiver): Just because all beef and dairy farms were incinerated in World War 3 doesn’t mean you can’t get some good fast food. Responsibilities include: checking the dog traps, fly cook, and refilling the milkshake machine with fresh roach milk every day. Does the customer want a supersized order of deep fried dirt? Make sure to ask.
Sam (as Narrator): Lifeguard.
Janet (as Voiceover): It’s summer and you know what that means. Kids are flocking to the ole swimming pool, highly irradiated. Your job is to keep them safe. Children should be pulled from the water for the following reasons: pool noodles come to life and attack the children; attack of chlorine bandits; prolonged exposure to the water can lead to face-melting.
Scene: The Rookie, part 1 (3:29)
(Character breakdown: Bob and Sandy have the patter of sports broadcasters – to the point, clear; Smith is a jock, somewhat out-of-breath as if during an intermission interview.)
[Theme music: A sporty sting, reminiscent of Hockey Night in Canada or other sports broadcasts]
Sam (as Bob): Hello office fans from coast to coast, and welcome to sunny Hamilton. Today we’re following the storied Magnus Enterprises and the question on everyone’s mind is, how will the young guns perform? Sandy’s with me in the booth, what do you think, Sandy?
Janet (as Sandy): Well Bob, Magnus Enterprises is an older team, lots of veterans here. All eyes right now are on the promising new rookie, Clara Anderson.
Sam (as Bob): That’s right, Sandy, and the workers are stepping into the communal workspace now, heading to their desks. Anderson’s looking a bit confused, I think she’s lost.
Janet (as Sandy): Yeah, not the most promising start, Bob. Anderson’s been with the team for 2 weeks now, and she’s still struggling to find her spot every morning.
Sam (as Bob): Yes, well, she showed many promising traits coming up through business school. Sometimes there’s an adjustment period.
Janet (as Sandy): Absolutely, Bob.
Sam (as Bob): The clock is ticking down to 9am, everyone’s in their positions…and…
[Referee’s whistle]
Here we go!
[Ambient office noise]
Sam (as Bob, speaking quickly): Yes, the standard opening manoeuvre, Smith immediately opens emails, McLaren heads straight for the coffee machine.
Janet (as Sandy): That’s a risky move, Bob. The managers have really been cracking down on coffee fouls.
[Referee’s whistle]
Sam (as Bob): And sure enough, McLaren’s been called out.
Janet (as Sandy): That’s his second verbal warning, Bob. He’ll need to be careful now.
Sam (as Bob): Now turning our attention to the rookie Anderson, she’s got some photocopying to do.
Janet (as Sandy): This is a simple task, Bob, right in her wheelhouse. You can tell Anderson is comfortable with this one.
Sam (as Bob, increasingly excited): She’s logged on, set the correct paper size, oh! A great move selecting the staple option! The machine starts up-
Janet (as Sandy): Note that she selected the double-sided option, Bob, really eco-friend-
Sam (as Bob): Oh, and the copier has jammed!
Janet (as Sandy): I’d expect this of someone twice her age, Bob. I hope she can get it fixed.
Sam (as Bob): Anderson has called over several members of the team, they’ve opened most of the photocopier’s doors. Carter sticks a pencil in the machine..Oh, no luck this time.
Janet (as Sandy): That’s classic Carter right there. She’s been sticking pencils in copiers since the 80s.
Sam (as Bob): This jam just won’t clear up, let’s see what the managers think-
[Referee’s whistle]
Sam (as Bob): And they’ve seen enough, they’re sending everyone back to their desks. This copier jam is a real setback for Anderson, isn’t it?
Janet (as Sandy): Yeah, her position on the team is precarious as it is, Bob. She can’t be feeling good about this.
[Referee’s whistle]
Sam (as Bob): And there’s the whistle signalling lunch break. A tough first period for Magnus Enterprises. Sandy’s got Sid Smith in the break room. Sandy?
[Ambient chatter]
Janet (as Sandy): Thanks Bob, Sid Smith, what are your thoughts on this morning’s performance?
Sam (as Smith): Oh you know, we just gotta keep our heads up, you know, be proactive.
Janet (as Sandy): You managed to send some really professional emails right off the bat.
Sam (as Smith): Yeah, you know, gotta be proactive, gotta keep my head up, you know.
Janet (as Sandy): What are your thoughts on Anderson’s play at the photocopier?
Sam (as Smith): Oh you know, uh, she’s young, she’s got a lot to learn about operating office equipment. But uh, you know, that really set us back.
Janet (as Sandy): What are you expecting from the afternoon?
Sam (as Smith): Uh you know, we’re gonna keep our heads up, you know, keep it proactive.
Janet (as Sandy): Thanks, Sid.
Sam (as Smith): Thanks.
[End chatter]
Sam (as Bob): Okay, thanks Sandy, we’ll be back shortly with afternoon action.
[Theme music, which then fades out]
Scene: First Seven Jobs, intro (6:23)
Janet: Landing your first job can be daunting.
Sam: This is the first step into a much broader world.
Janet: What does it all mean? Does your first job really dictate the rest of your life? Or is it just a meaningless step along the way?
Sam: A useful insight into this comes from the recent hashtag, firstsevenjobs.
Janet: It seemed like everyone was weighing in: celebrities, billionaires, politicians, and boring shlubs no one cares about like you and me.
Sam: Some notable first jobs include Lin-Manuel Miranda cleaning slushie machines, and Erik Larson working as, quote, lab glass washer (pig sperm).
Janet: Wow, I’m learning lots already!
Sam: Let’s look at some of the business world’s most important leaders, and see what they learned from their earliest work experiences.
Janet: Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook and former vice-president of Google.
Sam: Sheryl’s first two jobs were babysitting jobs.
Janet: I’m hesitant to count babysitting as a job, since a 12-year-old can do it, but she’s the boss. And how did babysitting go for Sheryl?
Sam: She sucked. She was fired from both gigs, once for opening the door to a stranger, and once for falling asleep.
Janet: Okay. What lessons do you think she might have carried into her staggeringly successful career?
Sam: Well, she opened her social network to all sorts of strangers.
Janet: And she wasn’t sleeping, she was leaning in - to the sofa!
Janet: Jeff Bezos has a similarly unassuming origin story.
Sam: At the age of 16, he was flipping burgers at McDonald’s.
Janet: Yeah, but everyone did that, and most of us aren’t billionaire corporate warlords, with cities the world over begging us to move in and bleed them dry. What helped Bezos make that leap?
Sam: Well, he observed the importance of getting things to the buyer quickly.
Janet: Oh wow, why didn’t I think of that?
Sam: I wonder if there’s anything else he picked up from the McDonald’s experience?
Janet: How to exploit workers, duh!
Sam: Over 99 billion in corporate servitude
Janet: Aesthetic inspiration: he looks like a cold droopy french fry.
Sam: If we’re talking precocious beginnings, you can’t get much more precocious than legendary investor Warren Buffett, who started hustling at 6 years old.
Janet: This tiny child, who presumably should have been in school, was selling chewing gum and Coca-Cola door to door for a tidy profit.
Sam: Soon enough, he was a bright-eyed young man getting rejected from Harvard.
Janet: What do you think those early days taught him?
Sam: There’s more profit in selling marked-up junk food to morons than in an ivy league education.
Janet: (Stay in school, kids.)
Scene: First Seven Jobs, ‘testimonials’ (8:51)
(In this scene, Sam and Janet share ‘testimonials’ from spliced clips from actual interviews with the celebrities mentioned.)
Janet: In honour of our First Jobs episode, Work It has reached out to some of these celebrities to learn more about the humble starts of their impressive careers.
Sam: Buzz Aldrin:
Janet: Buzz, you got your start as a dishwasher. What was that like?
Buzz: The promotion policy that President Johnson put forth rewarded some people with almost a double promotion...
Sam: Lin-Manuel Miranda:
Janet: So, Lin-Manuel, your first job was working the Slushee machine – what do you remember about that job?
Lin-Manuel: You know, that's not a job that's around much anymore, but back in the day, these were the guys who turned on the lights and took care of the lights.
Janet: Wow, that was informative, but it makes me wonder: what was your first job, Janet?
Sam: Great question. Janet. Blackmailer specializing in campus radio program directors. How about you?
Janet: Yeah, me too.
Scene: Fake It Till You Make It (9:41)
(Character breakdown: Janet’s Bartender feigns confidence but, as her Brain – i.e., her inner voice – shows us, it’s all put on; the Supervisor is trusting, probably too trusting; the Patron has a rich guy, ‘country club’ voice.)
Sam (as Voiceover): Some people say, when looking for your first job, you should “fake it till you make it.” Well listeners, brace yourself for a cautionary tale about how this advice can go terribly wrong.
[Ambience of a gala, bar, party atmosphere]
Sam (as Supervisor): So, Janet, first night on the job, eh?
Janet (as Bartender): First night on my first job, sir.
Sam (as Supervisor): Really, so you’ve never bartended before?
Janet (as Bartender): No, sir, but don’t worry. I’ve got everything under control.
Sam (as Supervisor): You’re absolutely sure? I could pull one of the other bartenders to help you out at this table.
Janet (as Bartender): That won’t be necessary, sir. I am extremely comfortable
Sam (as Supervisor): So long as you’re sure, since here comes your first customer now.
Sam (as Patron): Good evening, barkeep.
Sam (as Supervisor): Well, I’ll get going and leave you to it.
Janet (as Bartender): What’ll it be, sir?
Sam (as Patron): A whiskey sour.
Janet (as Bartender): One whiskey sour, coming up.
Janet (as Bartender’s Brain): Whiskey sour? What the hell’s that? What are you going to do, you don’t know how to tend bar. You’re a fraud, a gigantic fraud. Calm down, Janet, calm down. Fake it till you make it, remember? Fake it till you make it. Okay. We can whip up a whiskey sour. No problem. Fake it till you make it. Alright, what do we have back here? Ah, here’s the whiskey. And a whole lot of paint thinner. And…
Janet (as Bartender): One whiskey sour.
Sam (as Patron): Thank you, madam.
[Sipping]
I… Oooh.
[Klonk. Sound of his body slumping to the ground. Footsteps as the supervisor runs back to the scene]
Sam (as Supervisor): What the hell happened?
Janet (as Bartender): Uh, he started drinking the paint thinner. I tried to stop him!
Sam (as Supervisor): Oh my god, someone needs to drive him to the hospital.
Janet (as Bartender): Sir, it would be my honour to drive this man to the hospital.
Sam (as Supervisor): No, no, let me get one of our drivers.
Janet (as Bartender): Sir, I really must insist that you let me drive this man to the hospital. Please.
Sam (as Supervisor): You’re absolutely sure?
Janet (as Bartender): I am.
Sam (as Supervisor): You have your license and a car?
Janet (as Bartender): I certainly do, it’d be pretty silly to offer otherwise, wouldn’t you say?
Sam (as Supervisor): Yes, I – I suppose so. Okay, well take him to your car and I’ll find someone to cover for you.
Janet (as Bartender): Sounds good and…Whupsy-daisy, here we go, we’re taking you to the hospital.
[Ambient exterior noise: crowd murmuring, car horns]
Janet (as Bartender’s Brain): You don’t have your license, you liar. And a car? You’re out of your mind. Settle down, Janet. Settle down. Fake it till you make it, remember? How hard can it be. Just got to find a nice looking car, nothing too crazy. This should do. – Oof!
[Car window smashed, car alarm]
Janet (as Bartender): (exerting)
And let’s just get you buckled in, sir, and off to the hospital we go.
[Screech of car peeling out]
Janet (as Bartender’s Brain): Now then, which way to the hospital. Fake it till you make it, Janet. Why, I bet it’s off the side of this bridge?
Janet (as Bartender): Are you sure?
Janet (as Bartender’s Brain): I’ve got a good feeling about it.
Janet (as Bartender): Well, okay.
[Crash of car crashing through highway barrier; a huge splash as it falls in the ocean below; sirens of emergency vehicles arriving on the scene; we cut to: the beach at night – seabirds, water lapping the shore]
Sam (as Supervisor): Janet, thank god you’re alright. I got here as fast as I could.
Janet (as Bartender): I was driving our customer to the hospital like we discussed, sir, and out of nowhere the car skidded out and crashed through the railing.
Sam (as Supervisor): And your passenger – did he make it?
Janet (as Bartender): He’s hanging by a thread, but he’s going to need some CPR.
Sam (as Supervisor): Thank god, I’ll get one of the EMTs here at once –
Janet (as Bartender): Sir, I feel it’s my duty to perform life saving CPR.
Sam (as Supervisor): Really, it’s no problem –
Janet (as Bartender): Sir, it’s my duty to perform all tasks asked of me.
Sam (as Supervisor): But really, no one’s asking.
Janet (as Bartender): Well, in any event, it would mean a lot. It’s my first day, sir, and I want to do my part.
Sam (as Supervisor): Now you’re absolutely sure?
Janet (as Bartender): I am.
Sam (as Supervisor): Because when I asked you if you can mix drinks, he ended up with paint thinner, and when I asked if you can drive, he ended up in the ocean.
Janet (as Bartender): That’s right, but this time I’m sure nothing will go wrong.
Sam (as Supervisor): You’re sure?
Janet (as Bartender): Absolutely, 100% certain.
Sam (as Supervisor): Well, okay… and I’ll just pop over and get an EMT just in case.
Janet (as Bartender): If that makes you feel better, sir, I won’t stop you.
Sam (as Supervisor): Okay, be right back. Uh, okay. Be careful.
Janet (as Bartender’s Brain): First-aid?! You don’t know first aid. No big deal, Janet, no big deal. Fake it till you make it, remember? Okay, let’s see: he’s not breathing. Well, that seems easy enough. I’ll just knock some sense into him, he’ll be breathing again in no time. Let me grab this rock.
[Repeated sounds of a rock striking meat – a thwack and a squish together – as the Bartender strikes the Patron repeatedly with a rock]
Sam (as Supervisor): Janet, for the love of god, what are you doing?
Janet (as Bartender): Fake it till you make it, sir.
Sam (as Supervisor): Well, so long as you’re absolutely sure.
[These sounds continue – it’s quite gruesome – until...]
Sam (as Patron): You saved me! Boy, that whiskey sour packs of punch. 
[Ba-dump-ching! A drum rimshot commends us on another joke well done]
Scene: So You’re a Grown-Up Now (13:31)
[The overall sound is staticy, like an old educational film; voices are a bit muffled and scratchy; there is  unobtrusive background music of hokey old jazzy muzak]
Sam (as Voiceover): Here comes Sally, after her first day of work.
[Door shuts]
Janet (as Sally): Golly, what a day!
Sam (as Voiceover): Did you enjoy work, Sally?
Janet (as Sally): I sure did! But gee whiz, am I tired.
Sam (as Voiceover): Well, get used to it. You’re…a grown-up now!
[A little ‘retro futuristic’ musical sting; a phone rings]
Janet (as Sally): Hello?
Sam (as Billy): Hiya Sally, it’s Billy. Say, can I take you to the movies tonight? Root beer floats on me!
Janet (as Sally): I’m real sorry, Billy, but I’ve got to get my things ready for work tomorrow.
Sam (as Billy): Aw, rats!
Sam (as Voiceover): That’s the spirit, Sally! Now that you’re a grown-up, you have no time for childish distractions like a social life.
Janet (as Sally): Well jiminy crickets, at least I’ll get a nice big paycheque soon!
Sam (as Voiceover): Great news, Sally! Any plans?
Janet (as Sally): Well, once I’ve paid off my bills and bought groceries, I’ll have just a little left over to enjoy myself with!
Sam (as Voiceover): Oh but Sally, aren’t you forgetting something?
Janet (as Sally, less upbeat): Oh shucks! Savings! Well, I suppose I-
Sam (as Voiceover, ominously): That’s not all, Sally…
Janet (as Sally): Wait, wh- what’s happening?
Sam (as Voiceover): Feeling a little twinge in your mouth?
Janet (as Sally): A toothache! No, don’t do this to me!
Sam (as Voiceover): Oh, but surely you have dental benefits in your 29.5-hour-a-week quote-unquote part-time job…
Janet (as Sally): Please no, I can’t afford the dentist!
Sam (as Voiceover): Guess those groceries will have to wait, Sally.
Janet (as Sally, weeping): Oh god it hurts!
Sam (as Voiceover, ominous): Get used to it, Sally.
Sam (as Voiceover, suddenly cheerful again): You’re…a grown-up now!
[The scene begins fading out]
Janet (as Sally): I don’t wanna be an adult!
Sam (as Voiceover): [Laughs maniacally]
Scene: Overqualification (15:37)
[Some quirky muzak in the background, as bed music]
Sam: So, here’s a harrowing item about education and first jobs.
Janet: As summarized in Fortune, a recent study of 4 million US workers found that graduates whose first jobs out of college don’t require their degree are five times more likely to remain underemployed in the long term.
Sam: Like Sisyphus rolling his boulder up the hill.
Janet: As two Classics PhD dropouts, we are five times more likely to make that reference.
Sam: We’re also 100% more likely to remain underemployed than anyone else on earth.
Janet: We women have it extra rough: nearly half of us start our post-college life underemployed – compared to 37% of men – we’re also more likely to remain so. Well, except for Engineers.
Sam: Damn it, Janet….
[Very brief clip of Rocky Horror Picture Show song “Dammit Janet”]
Janet: Not again.
Sam: I mean, darn it, Janet. Why don’t you go back and study Engineering? You could finally make that Podcast Château I’ve been sketching…
Janet: No thanks, Sam, and if you’re done sketching please put your crayons away.
Sam (mouth full): Okay.
Janet: And don’t eat them – remember last time!?
Sam: [Ptoo!, he spits.] Moreover, it’s not simply disheartening for people in these positions; it’s downright expensive.
Janet: Recent, twenty-something college grads working jobs at a non-bachelor’s level make ten thousand dollars less than their peers whose work is commensurate with their education.
Sam: Ten thousand dollars – think of all the crayons you could eat – er, buy.
Janet: In an effort to be more practical, many students have turned away from the humanities towards so-called ‘practical’ fields like business.
Sam: Apparently, learning how to give a presentation confidently isn’t sufficient. It’s supposed to have ideas too.
Janet: Those poor business students.
Sam: Well, as for us humanities students, maybe we’d have benefitted from a close reading of some PowerPoints. Or whatever the hell they do.
Janet: Ruin the world. And doubtful. Now there are a few factors explaining why this is all happening. As to why college grads aren’t getting appropriate jobs, it could be that their degree simply didn’t prepare them for the workplace.
Sam: And how can we truly be prepared for the workplace without rigorous study of gossipping, second-guessing management, and seeing what weird twitter is up to today?
Janet: Foundational skills of the modern workplace. And as far as the gender gap goes, some familiar, gendered norms are our best guess.
Sam: First, men tend to be more assertive in going for positions for which they’re only partially qualified.
Janet: As the saying goes, “Lord give me the confidence of a mediocre white man.”
Sam: Which is such a joke, I’m not confident at all.
Janet: And second, men just have access to better professional and mentorship networks out of school. The world is their oyster.
Sam: Or “boyster,” per last week’s scene on portmanteaus.
Janet: And you thought “bro pas” was bad.
Sam: Now, ignoring automation and the constraints imposed by a slashed social safety net…
Janet: Because not ignoring them is a path to utter despair.
[Rimshot]
Sam: Ignoring those factors, why would someone apply for a job beneath their education? And when is it right to hire them?
Janet: Well, folks, Work It has got you covered with a few helpful mock-interview scenarios to help answer these questions.
Sam (as Voiceover): Scenario one.
Sam: So, how does your work as a brain surgeon prepare to work at H&M?
Janet: Well, I work well under pressure and I’m extremely reliable.
Sam: I see, and what if a man comes in asking for a nice, new shirt? How would you handle that?
Janet: Well, I’d probably drill into his head.
Sam (as Voiceover): Scenario two.
Sam: So, how does your work as a cardiologist prepare you to work at McDonalds?
Janet: Well, in my medical training, I learned a fair bit about food and nutrition.
Sam: So, let’s say a man has difficulty choosing between the number 1 combo and the number 3, what would you do then?
Janet: Well, I’d probably remove his heart and replace it with a baboon’s heart.
Sam (as Voiceover): Scenario three.
Sam: So, how does your work as an orthopaedic surgeon prepare you for co-hosting a comedy podcast?
Janet: Well, in the course of my work, you really learn the importance of a good laugh.
Sam: I see, and how would you end this sketch?
Janet: Well, I’d probably saw through your bones.
[Gruesome sawing sound]
Sam: You’re hired! Ow – you’re hired!
Janet: I can’t hear you! Bone-saw, you see.
Sam: I said you’re hired, you’re hired. Oh no, my bone!
[Splat! A body part hits the ground]
Scene: The Rookie, part 2 (19:24)
(Character breakdown: Bob and Sandy are as before; Anderson is an athlete, winded as if during an intermission interview; Schwartz is a manager/coach type – a bit pushy, stubborn.)
[Theme music: A sporty sting, reminiscent of Hockey Night in Canada or other sports broadcasts]
Sam (as Bob): Welcome back to Magnus Enterprises, lunch break is just about up. The workers are heading back to their desks, and here comes the second half of the workday.
[Referee’s whistle]
Sam (as Bob): And here we go! McLaren goes straight to the coffee machine-
[Referee’s whistle]
Sam (as Bob): And immediately gets called for it!
Janet (as Sandy): That’ll be a major, Bob. He can’t be happy about that.
Sam (as Bob): Anderson’s in charge of changing the big water cooler bottle. This is a new role for her.
Janet (as Sandy): Yes, definitely outside her comfort zone, Bob.
Sam (as Bob): [increasingly excited] Anderson shrugs off offers of assistance, hoists the bottle on her shoulder, ohhh she’s a little off-balance here, shrugs off another offer of assistance-
Janet (as Sandy): Really great confidence from the rookie here, Bob.
Sam (as Bob): She’s at the water cooler, time to install the bottle, and-
[Water rushing]
Sam (as Bob): Oh, the rookie has dropped the bottle, and somehow sent water cascading all through the office.
[Electric equipment fritzing out – bzzz, crackle]
Janet (as Sandy): This is a nightmare, Bob, electronics shorting out everywhere. Anderson is soaking wet. Could this get any worse for the rookie?
[Door slams]
Sam (as Bob): It looks like it just did, Sandy. Here comes Mr Schwartz the CEO, he’s got a bone to pick with Anderson.
Janet (as Sandy): Anderson’s not usually one for confrontation, we’ll see how this goes for her.
Sam (as Bob): The other workers have gathered around, they’re fired up! Mr Schwartz leans in close…Anderson’s desperately trying to explain herself…And Mr Schwartz says he’s not mad, he’s just disappointed!
Janet (as Sandy): Oh a devastating blow to the rookie! Her self-esteem will never recover.
Sam (as Bob): Well that altercation seems to have had the desired effect - the rest of the staff are back at their desks, working furiously.
Janet (as Sandy): That’s the power of second-hand embarrassment, Bob. They’ll all be talking about this around- well, what’s left of the water cooler.
Sam (as Bob): Anderson’s just playing with her hair now, letting the clock run down…
[Referee’s whistle]
Sam (as Bob): And that’s it for this workday, folks. Let’s see if we can get a word with Clara Anderson here…Clara! Just over here, thanks.
Janet (as Anderson): Uh, yeah, hi Bob.
Sam (as Bob): Anderson, can you take us through what happened out there?
Janet (as Anderson): Ugh, that was bullsh–[censor beep]!
Sam (as Bob): Are you having trouble adjusting to the workplace environment?
Janet (as Anderson): I’m done, no questions, let me through.
Sam (as Bob): Okay, well, let’s go over to Sandy, who’s with Mr Schwartz.
Janet (as Sandy): Mr Schwartz, your thoughts on Anderson’s performance today?
Sam (as Schwartz): Uh yeah, Sandy, we’re gonna benching her for the next little while. Kid’s just not ready yet, you know, these things take time.
Janet (as Sandy): Thoughts moving forward?
Sam (as Schwartz): Yeah, stop hiring business school hot shots with no real-world experience.
Janet (as Sandy): Okay, that’s it for us here. Thanks for watching, folks, and see you next week.
Scene: Future First Jobs, part 2 (21:48)
[Heavy rainfall and melancholy piano music in background]
Sam (as Narrator): Babysitter. Posted by Cormac McCarthy.
Sam (as Voiceover): “You walk the road. You walk and you protect the child. That is your task. Keep the fire. Keep the old tales. Embers of a dying world. Also, no sweets after bed time, and make sure he does his homework.”
Sam (as Narrator): Cashier.
Janet (as Voiceover): The Barter Station needs a cashier. Is it you? In this role, you’ll need to know the conversion rates like the back of your hand: how many shiny buttons can you get for 20 soda cans? How many pebbles in a stone? How many rats for a Nutri-Pak? Twelve.
Sam (as Narrator): Bank teller.
Sam (as Voiceover): In this role, you will tell people about banks. If they ask, “So people in the before-time would store their buttons and pebbles in these so-called… banks?”, tell them about fiat currency and the things men did to amass it.
Sam (as Narrator): Unpaid intern.
Janet (as Voiceover): You will contribute to the overall mission of Fallout Shelter 7A. Although an unpaid role, think of the exposure. (Which may, admittedly, lead to face-melting.)
Scene: Lake BlueSky Summer Camp ()
(Character breakdown: Sam’s Counselor is a naïve, optimistic teen; Janet’s Head Counselor comes off as friendly enough but is clearly taking advantage of the Counselor’s cluelessness; other characters behave as their descriptive names, well, describe.)
[Nostalgic summer camp music]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): I’ll never forget my first job. I was a camp counsellor at Lake BlueSky Summer Camp.
[Ambience of kids playing]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): Imagine me, a counsellor. New challenges and new adventures; new friends and new memories. It’s a time I’ll never forget. Like, take the first day of camp. My first taste of freedom…
Janet (as Head Counselor): You must be the new counsellor.
Sam (as Counselor, anxious, then confident): I am? I mean, I am!
Janet (as Head Counselor): Alright, fill out these forms.
Sam (as Counselor): My pleasure!
Janet (as Head Counselor, reading along): Name. Good. Address, blah blah blah. Here, this part’s important.
Sam (as Counselor): Power of attorney?
Janet (as Head Counselor): Just in case, you know, probably won’t need it.
Sam (as Counselor): Okay! I’ve got a feeling this is going to be the best summer of my whole life.
Janet (as Head Counselor, dismissive): Just shut up and sign.
[Nostalgic music sting, and we cut to:]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): It was magical, I was filled with a feeling that… that the summer would never end. And maybe a part of me knew I was growing up and maybe a part of me knew that it wouldn’t last forever. But for that summer, Lake BlueSky was everything to me. I remember bonding with my fellow counsellors – those connections, those shared moments.
Sam (as Counselor): Boy, what a magical place.
Janet (as Mean Girl): “Magical,” what are you – 5?
Sam (as Jock): Yeah, what are you a f–[long string of censor beeps] or something?
[Beat]
Sam (as Counselor): Yeah, I’ll never forget you guys either.
[Nostalgic music sting, and we cut to:]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): And then there were the campers. Oh, the campers. Was I ever so young? When all they had to think about was Nintendo, or the latest Madonna song. That sweet, simple age. Boy, me and those campers had some fun times. And I took pride in leading the activities. Even when the activities got a little… spooky!
[Ambience of the woods at night – campfire crackling, owls]
Sam (as Counselor): You know, some people say, on nights like this, the old ghost can still be heard in these woods, crying out his dying words…
Janet (as Bully Girl): Give me your money.
Sam (as Counselor): No, they were “I’m right behind you,” remember? From the story?
Sam (as Bully Boy): She’s not playing, give us your money.
Janet (as Bully Girl): That’s it, pass me that log.
[Klonk! Klonk! Klonk! as the Counselor is struck by a log]
Sam (as Counselor, getting struck): Oof! Ow! Ugh!
Sam (as Bully Boy): Cut it out.
[Beat]
Use this flaming one.
[Klonk! Klonk! Klonk!, plus the sound of flames, as the Counselor is struck by a flaming log]
Sam (as Counselor, getting struck): Oof! Ow! Ugh!
[Nostalgic music sting, and we cut to:]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): In the end, I learned just as much from those kids as campers as they did from me as counsellor. Those days at Camp BlueSky seemed like they’d be with me forever. But before you knew it, it was my last day. I still remember it…
Sam (as Counselor): Wow, gang, can you believe it’s the last day?
Janet (as Head Counselor): Put the gag back on.
Sam (as Bully Boy): Tie it tighter!
Sam (as Counselor, muffled): Hmf, gnf, hnng!
Janet (as Bully Girl): That should do it.
Sam (as Bully Boy): Let’s sacrifice this b–[censor beep] to Baal.
Janet (as Bully Girl): Yeah, let’s spill his blood for Baal.
Janet (as Head Counselor): That’s the plan!
[Chainsaw; splattering; screaming]
Sam (as Counselor’s Voiceover): Even though I was brutally murdered there and my remains never discovered, I’ll still always have a special place in my heart for Lake BlueSky Summer Camp. My first – and last – summer job.
[Nostalgic summer camp music fades out]
Scene: Mama’s Boy (25:49)
(Character breakdown: Mom and Dad are sort of throwbacks from, like, a 1950s sitcom – Mom is overbearing and supportive, Dad is tough and proud; Jr., despite being a grown-up (I think?) talks in baby talk – instead of saying ‘flirt,’ he says ‘fwirt’; the Boss is a tough, scolding old schoolmarm type.)
Janet (as Mom): Oh, my little sweetie’s all grown up! I’m so proud of you, Junior.
Sam (as Dad): Yep. Go get’em, son.
Janet (as Mom): Our little boy’s first day of work! Oh, let me take a picture of you!
Sam (as Jr.): Okay, mommy! Cheese!
[Camera snaps]
Janet (as Mom): Oh aren’t you handsome! Now, do you have your lunch bag?
Sam (as Jr.): Yes, Mommy.
Janet (as Mom): And a snack? You know how grumpy you get when you’re hungry.
Sam (as Jr., impatient): Yes, Mommy.
Janet (as Mom): Here, wear this scarf in case you get cold.
Sam (as Dad): Geez, Linda.
Janet (as Mom): Ignore your father’s cussing, sweetie. Now, I’ve phoned your boss and told her that when you say you have to make doody, you have to go to the bathroom, so we shouldn’t have any problems there…
Sam (as Jr.): Mooom!
Sam (as Dad): Linda, are you trying to smother the boy? He’s fine, aren’t you, Junior?
Sam (as Jr., proud): Yeah! I’m fine!
Janet (as Mom): That’s what you said on the first day of kindergarten, Gerald, and remember how that went?
Sam (as Dad): That was 20 years ago!
Janet (as Mom): 17 years. Shows how much you know. [to Jr] Now listen, if any of those IT boys give you trouble, you come straight to me, okay?
Sam (as Jr.): Okay, Mom- I mean, ugh, leave me alone! I can take care of myself, right, Dad?
Sam (as Dad): That’s my boy! Now listen - anyone gives you trouble, you sock’em right in the jaw.
Sam (as Jr.): Okay!
Janet (as Mom): Gerald!
Sam (as Dad): Quiet, Linda, he’s a man now.
Janet (as Mom): This is not teaching our son to behave like a gentleman!
Sam (as Dad): And what do you do if clients are playing hard to get?
Sam (as Jr.): Um…sock’em in the jaw?
Sam (as Dad): Heheh, that’s my boy! With clients, charm is best. Firm handshake, big smile, flirt with the hot ones.
Sam (as Jr.): Flirt with the hot ones. Got it!
Janet (as Mom): Gerald!
Sam (as Dad): What!
Janet (as Mom): What on earth are you telling our boy? These are the exact tactics that got you fired 32 times-
Sam (as Jr.): It’s okay, Dad. I’ll make you proud!
Sam (as Dad): That’s my boy! Now I’m off to the job bank.
Janet (as Mom): We’ll discuss this later, Gerald.
[Door slam; a beat]
Sam (as Jr.): Hey Mom?
Janet (as Mom): Yes, darling.
Sam (as Jr.): What should I actually do if someone crosses me at work?
Janet (as Mom): You just tell me, sweetie, and I’ll talk to their parents.
Sam (as Jr.): Mooooooom don’t embarrass me!
Janet (as Mom): Are you all set now, sweetie?
Sam (as Jr.): Yeah, I think so.
Janet (as Mom): Okay, let’s hop in the car.
[Clock ticking; fade in ambient street noise]
Janet (as Mom): Now give me a kiss.
Sam (as Jr.): Moooooooom!
[Car door slam; car drives away]
Sam (as Jr., under his breath, to self): Okay, Gerald Jr., you got this. Firm handshake, flirt with the hot ones…
[Door opens; end street noise; ambient office noice]
Janet (as Boss): Ah, Gerald Jr., welcome.
Sam (as Jr., timid): Hi, Mrs Bennett.
Janet (as Boss): I’ll show you to your desk. We’ve got some assignments lined up for you. Jenkins here will get you up to speed.
Sam (as Jr., timid): Okay.
Janet (as Boss): Is everything okay? You seem unsure.
Sam (as Jr., timid): Uh, Mrs Bennett, I have to make doody.
Janet (as Boss): Sigh. Here’s your hall pass, second door on the left.
Scene: Outro (28:53)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: Don’t think of this as the end of another episode of Work It. Think of it as the first day in the rest of your podcast listening life. 
And don’t punch out just yet: did you make sure to follow us on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram at @WorkItPod? Check out our site at workitpod.com? Subscribe to the podcast, with a rating and a review? 
Okay, you’re free to go. Overtime? Boy, rookie, you’ve got a lot to learn...
[The music fades out]