Ep. 004
I am Woman, Pay Me More
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at women in the workplace full of dubious advice and casual misandry. 
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Hey there, folks. We're back with Work It, episode four. 
Wow! Four whole episodes! One, two, three, four: someone oughta carve them into a mountain in South Dakota for future generations to enjoy today. 
We're talking about women in the workplace. So, somebody call HR ’cause we're about to tickle your funny bone, which is a fireable offense.
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]
Scene: Apologies (1:04)
[Light, peppy background music]
Sam: Uh, so…
Janet (whispering): Go on!
Sam: Janet, do I really-
Janet (whispering): Say it!
Sam: But why? I’m not the one who-
Janet (louder): Listen, you little twerp.
Sam: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, fine!
Janet: Good. Ladies and gentlemen - well, just ladies, I guess - Sam has something he’d like to say on behalf of all men.
Sam: We’re sorry. There, can I go?
Janet: Sorry for what?
Sam: Sorry for making your working experience pretty awful. Or at least worse than it needed to be.
Janet: Go on…
Sam: Uggghhhh. We’re sorry for the pay gap, biased hiring practices, asking awkward personal questions, taking away responsibilities, inadequate parental leave policies, the whole glass ceiling thing, obviously all that sexual harassment stuff-
Janet: Including?
Sam: Including, but certainly not limited to, Louis CK, Harvey Weinstein, casino magnate Steve Wynn, Uber’s Travis Kalanick, 500 Startups Co-founder Dave McClure, Howie Rubin of Soros Fund Management…
[Sam fades out, then fades back in, indicating a long list of names in between]
Sam: …Charlie Rose, Sean Hannity, Bill O’Reilly– Janet, do I have to apologise for all of these turds? There’s hundreds of them!
Janet: Okay, I’ll let you off the hook.
Sam: Oh, thank god.
Janet: Now tell us how you’ll do better.
Sam: Seriously?
Janet: It’s not an apology if you don’t change your behaviour.
Sam: But I’m just one guy!
Janet: Fine then, we don’t accept your apology.
Sam: Oh my god. Ow, ow, ow, ow, okay, in the future, we promise to, uh, not be jerks.
Janet: AND??
Sam: Guys of the world, you’d better not make me look like a fool.
Janet: Let’s hear it.
Sam: We promise to respect your bodily autonomy, your expertise, your life choices, your career choices, your professionalism, your superior fashion sense, your…
[Sam fades out, then fades back in, indicating a long list of promises in between]
Sam: …We promise to stop calling you crazy when we’re in fact in the wrong, we promise to stop calling ourselves feminists when we’re in fact just a bit less chauvinistic than others, we promise-
Janet: Okay, we accept your apology.
Sam: Really?? Oh thank god!
Janet: It was a good apology. Not perfect, but okay.
Sam: Uh, thanks.
Janet: Now demonstrate how your behaviour has changed.
Sam: …How?
Janet: I dunno, but if you really meant it, you’d be making big changes right now.
Sam: Do you- do you want my apple?
Janet: Hm…yes. 
[Crunch of a bite of an apple] 
Janet: Good start. What else?
Sam: I’ll start writing scenes exclusively for you.
Janet: Keep it coming…
Sam: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, fine! We’ll start listing your name first in the intro! You can sit in my chair! We’ll change the name to “Janet presents Work It featuring Janet”!
Janet: More! MORE!
[The scene starts fading out]
Sam: You get a raise! You’re promoted! You’re CEO of Work It now! For life! I'll fire myself and live in a box! We're making you an astronaut!
Janet: Hehe yes, good, more!…
Blackout: A History of Women in the Workplace, part 1, Marie Curie (3:19)
Sam (as Voiceover): “A History of Women in the Workplace,” written by Sam, for Janet. Other than this part. But I'm going now.
Janet: Marie Curie is famous for her work on radium, polonium and radioactivity. In fact, Mme. Curie ultimately died from exposure to radiation. The great tragedy is that it could have been treated, had her husband and collaborator, Pierre Curie, not told her that it was “probably just in her head” and that she “always glows neon green on her period.” He advised her to put down the polonium and make him some baloney-um, by which he meant a baloney sandwich. Pierre Curie was not very funny. À bientôt, Marie Curie.
Scene: Old Boys Club (3:58)
(Character breakdown: Very Old Boy (Very) is a croaking, ancient, not-all-there ‘old boy’; Rich Old Boy (Rich) is a wealthy, “Tennis, anyone?” type of ‘old boy’; Alpha Old Boy (Alpha) is a Phil self-assured, jock-y ‘old boy’; Sally is a 30-something, highly professional woman – she obviously deserves better than the Old Boys Club.)
[Chatter amongst the group; a gavel hits the table – conk, conk, conk! – to announce commencement of the meeting]
Sam (as Rich): I hereby call to order this meeting of the Old Boys Club. Todd, the club mantra if you please.
Sam (as Alpha): The Old Boys Club has existed since time immemorial – which is basically, like, forever – to celebrate the interests of boys around the world. Huzzah!
All: Huzzah!
Sam (as Rich): Next, the minutes. Ebenezer?
Janet (as Very): The last meeting occurred in 1938. Lillian Gish was there. She was doing the Charleston!
Sam (as Rich): Onto today’s business. Todd?
Sam (as Alpha): Thank you, Shackleford. As you all know, my father left me this clubhouse for our meetings.
Janet (as Very): Which have only one rule.
Sam (as Alpha): No girls allowed! But fellas, bad news. My mom says I’ll be grounded if I don’t let my dumb sister play too.
[Grumbling, booing]
Sam (as Alpha): Her name’s Sally, Sally, Lives in the Alley.
Sam (as Rich): The floor recognizes Sally from the Alley.
Janet (as Sally): Uh, okay. Well, like Todd said, my name’s Sally. I have an MBA and a PhD in European History. Though I run a major corporation, I am far more proud of my volunteer work with underprivileged youth.
Sam (as Rich): Fine, fine. The first item being voted on today is:
Sam (as Alpha): Toads!
Janet (as Sally): Toads?
Janet (as Very): Bufonidae, madam!
Sam (as Alpha): I think they’re cool.
Sam (as Rich): Yes, they are slimy and cool, and they gross out the girls.
Janet (as Very): I once caught a toad by the creek and put it in Betty June’s hair.
Sam (as Alpha): Then what happened?
Janet (as Very): My boy, she screamed like a striker beneath a Pinkerton’s boot!
Sam (as Rich): Well, what do you think, Sally?
Janet (as Sally): I don’t really have an opinion…
Sam (as Alpha): She thinks they’re gross!
Sam (as Rich): That’s 3 votes that toads are cool and one that they’re totally gross.
Janet (as Very): Typical!
Sam (as Alpha): Next up: GI Joes. I think they’re cool.
Janet (as Very): My favourite is Snake Eyes.
Sam (as Alpha): No way, Hawk is better!
Janet (as Very): Not on your life, whippersnapper!
Sam (as Rich): Gentleman, they are both cool.
Janet (as Sally): Are you serious?
Sam (as Rich): She probably likes dumb Barbies.
Janet (as Very): Pat Nixon dolls.
Janet (as Sally): I… what? Are we seriously talking about toys?
Sam (as Rich): “GI Joes are cool” carries with one abstention from the gross girl.
Janet (as Very): Be it noted that girls are gross.
Sam (as Rich): Noted.
Sam (as Alpha): What about baseball cards?
Janet (as Very): Stupendous! Superman cartoons?
Sam (as Rich): Awesome! Burps?
Sam (as Alpha): Hilarious! But what about snips?
Janet (as Very): And snails?
Sam (as Rich): And puppy-dog tails?
Sam (as Rich): Sally probably thinks they’re gross.
Janet (as Sally): Of course I do! They are gross.
Sam (as Alpha): Why don’t you just leave us alone, Sally, you big, dumb girl?
Janet (as Sally): Look, I thought I could make a difference by joining the Old Boys Club. But it’s so childish!
Sam (as Rich): Well, madam, if we’re so terribly puerile, why don’t you tell us what we should vote on?
Janet (as Sally): Well… I’ve always been partial to sugar and spice and everything nice.
[Loud groaning from the Old Boys]
Scene: PSA: How to Dress at Work ()
[The overall sound is staticy, like an old film; voices are a bit muffled and scratchy; there is  unobtrusive background music of hokey old jazzy muzak]
Sam (as Narrator): Hundreds of single girls in America today have to work to make ends meet. Are you one of them? Then you’ll need to learn how to dress for the office. Let’s see how Janey starts her day.
[Birds chirping]
Rise and shine, sleepyhead! Do you know what today is?
Janet (as Janey): Gee! It’s my first day as a girl worker!
Sam (as Narrator): That’s right, Janey! How will you get ready for work?
Janet (as Janey): Well, since cleanliness is next to godliness, I guess I ought to wash my face first.
[Water running]
Sam (as Narrator): You betcha! 5 minutes with a potscrubber will stimulate blood-flow and give your cheeks that healthy flush.
Janet (as Janey): And now for lipstick!
Sam (as Narrator): Not so fast, Janey! Makeup is for streetwalking trollops.
Janet (as Janey): You're right, I need to stay modest. Hm…what to wear? Maybe this dress?
Sam (as Narrator): Uh-oh, Janey. That dress shows off your shapely ankles.
Janet (as Janey): Gee! Is that bad?
Sam (as Narrator): You see, Janey, men can’t control themselves around pretty young things like you.
Janet (as Janey): Gracious, why not?
Sam (as Narrator): Powerful men are too important to waste their time with professionalism.
Janet (as Janey): And so many of them have odd sexual proclivities!
Sam (as Narrator): Now you're talking like a woman of the world!
Janet (as Janey): How do I avoid tempting them?
Sam (as Narrator): First of all, try putting a bag on your head.
Janet (as Janey, muffled): Like this?
Sam (as Narrator): Great start! Now, why not wear this suit of armour?
[Metal creaking]
Janet (as Janey): Golly, being a working girl is a lot harder than I thought.
Sam (as Narrator): It’s only until you find a husband, Janey.
Scene: Behind Every Great Man… (8:39)
(Character breakdown: The Grande Priestess is very serious and imperious; Bernice is a sweet, gentle, naïve middle-aged lady; the Mage is somewhat generic – a bit bureaucratic and agitated.)
[Diner sounds: cups and plates tinkling and rattling, some ambient chattering]
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Bernice Knight?
Sam (as Bernice): Yes, dear?
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Forgive me for interrupting your coffee. You have been chosen.
Sam (as Bernice): Do I know you?
Janet (as Grande Priestess): I am the Grande Priestess. Follow me please.
[Footsteps; a door opens; faint sound of chanting, ominous music]
Sam (as Bernice): Oh my golly, this is no janitor’s closet!
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Bernice, welcome to the Order of the Great Women.
Sam (as Bernice): There must be some mistake, dear.
Janet (as Grande Priestess): We don’t make mistakes. The Order has existed for millennia, placing women into secret positions of untold power. Hold still, I must brand you.
[Sizzle]
Sam (as Bernice): Ouch!
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Slowly, we have been sucking away the men’s ability to lead, so that today even the strongest men are mere shells. We control their every move.
Sam (as Bernice): Gosh!
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Here, drink this elixir of feminine wiles. [resuming the narrative] Soon, at last, our project will be at an end. We shall cast off the veil of secrecy, and women will rule the world!
[Thunder]
Sam (as Bernice): Is this why they say ‘behind every great man is a great woman’?
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Yes. That saying arose in the mid-1940s and nearly exposed us all. We had to orchestrate the Cold War as a distraction.
Sam (as Bernice): But what do I, Bernice Knight, have to do with this?
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Bow your head while the Mage recites the blessing of initiation.
[Background muttering in Latin]
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Bernice, we have chosen you because you are dull and inconspicuous.
Sam (as Bernice): Oh.
Janet (as Grande Priestess): The exact qualities we look for. Some initiates in the past have been rather too ambitious.
Sam (as Bernice, realizing): Joan of Arc!
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Yes, and Cleopatra. Regrettable rogue agents who nearly seized power before the men were properly groomed. I will now wrap you in the cosy shawl of sisterhood.
Sam (as Bernice): So…we secretly control the world, but we’re letting the men think that they have the power because they’re not ready to be led by women yet.
Janet (as Grande Priestess): In a word, yes. Please don the platform shoes of fabulousness.
Sam (as Bernice): This master plan-
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Mistress plan.
Sam (as Bernice): Mistress plan, excuse me. It has a number of holes, dear. I’m sure you’ve worked very hard…
Janet (as Grande Priestess): You dare to insult the mistress plan?!
Janet (as Mage): Grande Priestess!
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Yes, Mage?
Janet (as Mage):There’s been a malfunction!
Janet (as Grande Priestess): What! Who?
Janet (as Mage): Shelon Musk!
Janet (as Grande Priestess): No!
Sam (as Bernice): Isn’t it ‘Elon’?
Janet (as Grande Priestess): The man you know as Elon is in fact two small women in an intricate disguise. Shelon, as we call them, has been our most valuable mind control asset against the men.
Sam (as Bernice): That explains so much.
Janet (as Grande Priestess): Initiate Shelon’s self-destruct sequence! This cannot continue!
[A brief clip of Elon Musk speaking, his voice cutting into a woman’s; an explosion]
Blackout: A History of Women in the Workplace, part 2, Ada Lovelace (11:20)
Sam (as Voiceover): A History of Women in the Workplace.
Janet: Ada Lovelace is credited as one of, if not the first, computer programmers. Her male colleagues in computer research, believing a woman incapable of such things, ignored her work and continued their own research: seeing what happens when an abacus is struck by lightning. Today, she is honoured for her contribution to computer science, while most of her male contemporaries were struck and killed by lightning.
Scene: Women in Leadership (11:52)
(Character breakdown: Sandra talks like a rugged ‘dude’ or tomboy; Jane is unintelligible, just the sound of vocal fry; Steve is a ‘girly girl’.)
Janet: And now for a Work It investigative report. It’s a well-known fact that business leadership has always skewed male, and even today in the GTA, women make up under 20% of corporate board and senior management positions. How can we improve this situation? Here’s Sam Allemang with more.
[Some slow and pensive background music]
Sam: It’s been proven time and time again that diversity in business leadership improves financial performance. And yet women are underrepresented in these roles. I spoke with three female executives who are bucking the trend. What I want to learn from them is: what does it take for women to advance in the business world?
[Music ends, we cut to: ambient street noise]
Sam (via Voiceover): First I head to a King St patio, where I meet up with Sandra Larson, CFO of the growing startup TechBros International.
Janet (as Sandra): Hey man what’s up! Lemme get you a beer, bruh!
Sam (via Voiceover): As Sandra chugged her tall can, I couldn’t help but bring up the obvious.
Sam: So Sandra, you don’t quite look how I expected.
Janet (as Sandra): Yeah man, the gross t-shirt and ripped jeans you mean?
Sam: Yeah, and the fact that you’re spinning a basketball on one finger.
Janet (as Sandra): It’s office protocol, my dude. I used to wear dresses and whatever, but kinda didn’t fit in with the TechBros team.
Sam: Were there any other adjustments you had to make when you started there?
Janet (as Sandra): Uh…well, I watch hockey and drink beer now. I used to do crochet n whatever. But now I have stuff to talk to my coworkers about, eh?
Sam: Sure, so your coworkers wear jeans and watch sports and drink beer a lot, so you adapted to fit in.
Janet (as Sandra): Yeah. And I got a wife so I could complain about her to the guys.
Sam: So what do you think makes you different from other business women? How did you climb the TechBros ladder while so many others have failed?
Janet (as Sandra): Uh, I dunno, haven’t thought about it that much. Hey you wanna see me shotgun this?
[End street noise]
Sam (via Voiceover): My discussion with Sandra was interesting, but I felt like I hadn’t found all my answers. What are corporations really looking for in female leaders?
[Ambient office noise]
Sam (via Voiceover): My next stop was Garland & Sons Insurance, where Jane Smith serves as the company’s first ever female Operations Manager.
Sam: Ms Smith, hello. Thanks for taking the time to meet with me.
Janet (as Jane): [vocal fry greeting]
Sam: So tell me how you started here at Garland & Sons.
Janet (as Jane): [vocal fry]
Sam: What an impressive voice. What made you stand out from other female candidates, do you think?
Janet (as Jane): [vocal fry]
Sam: Yes, you certainly do sound more assertive to me than most women. I hope it’s okay for me to say that.
Janet (as Jane): [vocal fry]
Sam: I can’t put my finger on it, but yes, exactly. When you speak, I respect you.
Janet (as Jane): [vocal fry]
[End office ambience]
Sam (via Voiceover): Having met with two very different female execs, I still felt no closer to pinpointing what qualities united them. My final stop was Hamilton Truck Sales, where I met with company president Steve Anderson.
[Ambience of a auto body shop]
Sam: Good morning, uh-
Janet (as Steve): Oh, call me Steve! None of this Ms Anderson stuff!
Sam: Sure, uh, Steve. That’s a really interesting name.
Janet (as Steve): Well I was born Claire Anderson, but legally changed my name on a whim.
Sam: Your pronouns are still-
Janet (as Steve): Oh I’m a she! Hahaha, I guess that could be confusing!
Sam: And when did you change your name, Steve?
Janet (as Steve): Right before applying for this job, actually.
Sam: What a funny coincidence.
Janet (as Steve): Yeah, it’s weird. I was having a hard time finding work I knew I was qualified for, but then I changed my name and here we are!
Sam: Do you think changing your name to Steve could have affected things?
Janet (as Steve): Well that would be weird!
Sam: Yeah, I don’t know why I brought it up.
[End auto body ambience; pensive music starts again]
Janet: Thanks Sam, what fascinating interviews. The burning question is, have you figured out why these companies chose these specific women for leadership roles?
Sam: Janet, I’d say the jury’s still out on what sort of qualities companies are looking for. I’ll say this, though. All three of them were pretty bossy.
Janet: That must be it.
Sam: And emotional.
Janet: There you have it, ladies. High-ranking women are bossy and emotional. Thanks for listening!
Sam: Smokin’ hot, too. See, this is why you’ll never–
Blackout: How I’m Spending My Pay Gap! (16:11)
Sam: It’s been estimated that, as recently as 2016, women in Canada make on average 69 cents from every dollar made by a man. That means 31 extra cents for me on every dollar I make. Sweet! Here’s how I’m spending my pay gap:
Pamela Anderson poster.
Tucker Max colouring book.
Joe Rogan brain pills.
Ticket to new Jason Statham movie, The Car Chase Doer Man.
Another Pamela Anderson poster.
John Kruk’s authentic, game-worn cup.
Joe Rogan muscle tonic.
A book about how, when my girlfriend tells me to shower, it means she’s the dragon of chaos.
Joe Rogan serpent extract. Ha ha, smart guy, no, it’s not snake oil. It’s oil that happens to come from a snake. Big difference.
Really hot Pamela Anderson poster.
Other stupid garbage for dumb little boys like me.
Scene: Cassandra (17:16)
(Character breakdown: ‘President’ is a corporate Board President, a fatuous, stubborn, and overly self-assured old fool; Cassandra’s voice is a generic millennial woman’s – the ‘joke’ is she’s like the mythical Cassandra and can see the future, but no one listens to her.)
[Ambient hubbub of a board meeting about to start]
Sam (as President): Alright, everyone. Let’s get this Board Meeting underway. Today, the board of Widget HyperGlobal welcomes a new member: Cassandra. Now I know what you’re thinking: this is the same premise as the Old Boys Club sketch a few minutes ago. Yeah, well… And I know what else you’re thinking: a female board member? Well, I assure you, Cassandra will bring a valuable, diverse perspective to our decision making. Isn’t that right, Cassandra?
Janet (as Cassandra): Quite so, sir. I expect that I will offer sound advice to the board, given my unique perspective, and I especially expect that the board will listen to my advice.
[Beat]
Unlike that other Cassandra.
Sam (as President, aside, breaking the fourth wall): They get it, they get it.
Sam (as President, back ‘in’ the scene): Well, first order of business, we have an exciting, new product to discuss. Our new line of tank-tops – for women. Now whereas most tank-tops are just boring and white and plain, these ones are covered with photos of sexy broads. So when do we start production?
Janet (as Cassandra): Can I offer a suggestion?
Sam (as President): Of course, that’s why you’re here, Cassandra. We welcome your input!
Janet (as Cassandra): Women don’t like being called “broads”, so first off some – okay, all – of the marketing material could use another look. But bigger picture, most women don’t want to wear tank-tops with pictures of other women on them, no matter how sexy. I just don’t think these will sell.
Sam (as President): Cassandra, if you had been here last meeting, you’d recall our thinking: what’s better than ogling one broad? Ogling a buncha broads while ogling one broad! So we’re agreed: Production starts immediately!
[Harp sting]
Sam (as Voiceover): One meeting later.
Sam (as President): Our shares are in the toilet!
Janet (as Cassandra): I tried to warn you.
Sam (as President): This time, we’ll definitely listen. Though I doubt an idea this good will be controversial: our new product is baseball cards – for women. They’re just like normal baseball cards, but they’re pink. Chicks’ll love ‘em!
Janet (as Cassandra): If I may, a lot – okay, all – of what I said about “broads” applies to the word “chicks” as well. And second, I just don’t see the product-market fit. Sure, there are plenty of women sports fans. I’m one of ‘em! But the point is, you don’t have to ‘trick’ us into liking sports by putting a pink coat of paint on top. We’re not idiots!
Sam (as President): Cassandra, it’d be one thing if all the players looked like vintage Ryne Sandberg – you ladies would be our number one customers then, I’m sure. But the fact is, some of these players aren’t exactly what you’d call dreamboats. So we’re agreed: production starts immediately!
[Harp sting]
Sam (as Voiceover): One meeting later.
Sam (as President): Well, we really took a bath on that one!
Janet (as Cassandra): (sarcastic)
Who could have seen this coming?
Sam (as President): Exactly, Cassandra. Who? Who? No one. Market forces. What can you do?
Janet (as Cassandra): Quite.
Sam (as President): But this product here is definitely going to turn things around. It’s a day planner, but this one’s special.
Janet (as Cassandra): You don’t say.
Sam (as President): It’s a day planner – for women.
Janet (as Cassandra): So, I gave this a look.
Sam (as President): And?
Janet (as Cassandra): I really want you to listen to me.
Sam (as President): We’re listening, Cassandra.
Janet (as Cassandra): I mean it. Because I tried to warn you about the tank-tops and I tried to warn you about the baseball cards.
Sam (as President): You’re absolutely right, but this time we’ll listen.
Janet (as Cassandra): I hope you’re listening.
Sam (as President): We are, Cassandra, we are!
Janet (as Cassandra): Okay. Good. So, this day planner. It is unacceptable that every day is pre-filled with messages like “Get a husband” and “Already got one? Great! What’s for dinner?”
Sam (as President): I was hoping for meatloaf. I see a lot of nodding around the table. So we’re agreed: Meatloaf for dinner.
Janet (as Cassandra): No, we’re not agreed. This product is sexist, stupid and, more to the point, will not sell at all. No one wants this! Women don’t want this, no one wants this, and you’re all terrible at your jobs! Listen to me!
Sam (as President): Respectfully, Cassandra, since you’ve been here we’ve had nothing but setbacks. Look, the Board values your input. Appearing diverse is very important to us. But if you don’t think you can correct the ingrained prejudices and bad judgment of your 15 old, white, cishet male board-mates, well maybe you’re not the right person for the job.
Janet (as Cassandra): Well, maybe I’m not.
[Door slams]
Sam (as President): Emotional much? Pretty cute though.
[Hubbub of the Board members, and we cut away to:]
Sam (as Voiceover): Cassandra went on to start her own company, creating products by and for women, and soon became one of the most powerful – not just women, but people in the world of business. As for her former board members, well, they drowned in the ocean trying to meet Aquaman.
Blackout: A History of Women in the Workplace, part 3, Emily Dickinson (21:36)
Sam (as Voiceover): A History of Women in the Workplace.
Janet: Emily Dickinson was one of history’s greatest poets. She is also notable for living much of her life in isolation. Indeed, at no point did Emily Dickinson work in a workplace with male colleagues, nor spending much time with men whatsoever. In so doing, she is widely considered the happiest woman who ever lived. Because men at work are a pain in the ass. 
Scene: How to Talk to Women at Work (22:01)
[Some quirky muzak in the background, as bed music]
Sam: Sigh.
Janet: What’s wrong, Sam?
Sam: Oh, I’m just frustrated.
Janet: Come on, tell your buddy Janet what’s up.
Sam: Well, see, we’ve got a new lady here at Work It HQ, and I don’t know how to talk to her.
Janet: Oooo, someone has a crush!
Sam: No, I mean I literally don’t know how to talk to her. Like, what if she wants to talk about feelings or whatever. What if she’s on her period? What if she cries?
Janet: You can’t be serious.
Sam: It’s like a frickin obstacle course.
Janet: Sam, I’m a woman!
Sam: Yeah but you don’t count. You drink beer. Lots and lots and lots of-
Janet: Well fortunately for you, it’s time for another edition of Best Practices!
[2 seconds of cheesy theme music]
Sam: Oh! You mean the segment where we, the least qualified people on earth, discuss how to navigate thorny workplace issues?
Janet: That’s right! And today we’re talking about How to Talk to Women at Work!
[2 more seconds of cheesy theme music]
Sam: Gosh, it’s as if you planned it this way, Janet!
Janet: Alright, shut up and read the script.
Sam: Right, sorry. Ahem. There are many ways in which men suck at talking to women at work.
Janet: Cis men, we should say. The rest are okay.
Sam: Cis men, yes.
Janet: Like you.
Sam: Just like me.
Janet: Yes, many ways in which cis men suck at talking to women at work. We don’t even mean in the romantic sense.
Sam: We opened that can of worms in episode 1!
Janet: Opened it, dumped it out, and smeared it all over our disgusting faces.
Sam: Gross. What?
Janet: Yes, today it’s all about platonic conversations.
Sam: ναὶ μὰ Δία!
Janet: Platonic in the sense of normal, everyday, human interactions. Not Platonic from Platonic dialogues.
Sam: Oh.
Janet: So, fellas, pay attention. How to talk to women at work.
Number one: Don’t ask about marital status.
Sam: Why not?
Janet: Well, let’s see where this goes. Pretend she says she’s not married. How do you respond?
Sam: How you doin’?
Janet: Okay. Bad. Don’t do that. What if she says she’s married?
Sam: Uh, I dunno, probably ask her if she has kids?
Janet: Right, and there are a few problems with that. What if she doesn’t have kids? Are you assuming she’s probably going to get pregnant soon?
Sam: Yeah, or I might start asking intrusive questions about why she doesn’t have kids yet.
Janet: Because a woman’s fertility is everyone’s business.
Sam: Especially mine.
Janet: Like what if we talk to men like that? Sam, you're 30 something with no kids. Are you shooting blanks?
Sam: No, I'm not. Am I? Oh, no!
Janet: Exactly!
Sam: So, what if a lady does have kids? That’s impressive, working and being a mom and stuff.
Janet: Well, that leads us to number two: Don’t ask a woman how she manages to ‘have it all’.
Sam: Isn’t that flattering, though?
Janet: How often do people ask men how they manage to balance working and taking care of kids and still having perfect skin and whatever else?
Sam: Okay, well, as far as the perfect skin goes, it's important to always wear a strong suntan lotion. And then of course there's retinol.
Janet: Ah. That brings me to our next piece of advice. Number three: Don’t mansplain. Furthermore, don’t-
Sam: See I knew you were going to say that. Mansplaining is super annoying.
Janet: Yes, it is.
Sam: Dudes just need to learn to shut up and listen.
Janet: Quite right, Sam.
Sam: Respect the expertise of women, give them space, let them speak-
Janet: Sam, I’m going to rip your tongue out and beat you to death with it.
Sam: Why?
Janet: So further to mansplaining, we have some more super-fun portmanteaux, such as manterrupting.
Sam: Okay but can I at least manterrupt this man-gling of the English language?
Janet: Another one is ‘bropropriation,’ where men - bros, if you will - appropriate women’s ideas.
Sam: Don’t worry, I’m happy to leave credit for that one with womankind.
Janet: Conveniently, you can shoehorn ‘man’ and ‘bro’ into just about every conceivable conversational faux pas.
Sam: Don’t you mean BRO pas?
Janet: Now you’re getting it!
Sam: Okay, well, let's come up with a few more of these: How about ‘one-up-man-ship’?
Janet: ‘Bro-recting’ grammar?
Sam: Janet, this list sucks. It’s just a bunch of stuff that I can’t talk about with women!
Janet: Well, what do you talk about with your male coworkers?
Sam: Work.
Janet: Then talk about work.
Sam: Sometimes hockey.
Janet: Fine, that too.
Sam: Who’s the handsomest Leaf.
Janet: Okay that's it, folks. Thanks for listening to another edition of Best Practices!
Sam: Patrick Marleau sure is dashing.
Scene: The Leaked Work It Memo (25:04)
Sam: In July 2017, a Google Engineer, one James Damore, posted an internal memo that thrust the topic of “women in the workplace” into the spotlight.
Janet: Damore’s central argument was that Google management were papering over innate differences between men and women in their efforts to create a more inclusive, more gender-balanced workforce.
Sam: A manifesto of sorts, Damore’s memo was a mix of debatable or pseudo-science, sex-based essentialism, and anti-PC agitprop. Dismissed shortly thereafter, Damore became a momentary cause célèbre for the extremely online free speech crowd.
Janet: Well, we at Work It have been scrutinizing this story carefully once again as we have also been rocked by a similar email scandal. Someone at Work It… I won’t say who… recently shared a memo along similar lines.
Sam: We now share with you excerpts from this anonymous truth-teller.
Janet: It was you, Sam, you f[censor beep]cking moron, the show is just the two of us.
Sam: Enjoy!
[As Sam writes his letter, and we hear his internal dictation, there’s the clacking of a keyboard]
Sam (via Voiceover): To the valued members of the Work It team,
I have watched in silence as P.C. culture has run amok at Work It and I can no longer sit idly by in silence. I am a youngish, educated, white man, and I will be heard!
Work It has become dominated by a culture that treats women and men as indistinguishable. But it is important to look at the science.
Science tells us that women are less funny than men and should not be writing sketch comedy on CFMU. You may not believe me. You may ask for my citation. To which I say, science needs no citation. Facts don’t care about your feelings, snowflake.
Women are more interested in people rather than things. This is most likely due to increased people-molecules in their DNA or something like that – something to do with science. I am very rational, whereas everyone else is a cultural Marxist, which is another word for “mean to me”. 
Here are some other differences: women are more interested in oranges than in apples, in novellas than in short stories, in bicycles than in Segways, in Herman’s Hermits than in Jan & Dean … I could go on. Science tells us this is so – I read it on a message board.
What explains this peculiar behaviour? Again, we turn to the abstract and catch-all word of “science”. 
Most likely they fear me as a hunter and provider, as demonstrated in my current play-through of Civ VI. No, I don’t save scum. I am just that good.
In short, I don’t think women should be allowed to work on the show until they agree to listen as I rank Game of Thrones seasons, compare dex and faith builds in Dark Souls, and explain why I should be able to say racial slurs if we’re talking about the words. I mean, they’re just words. Also, I have self-diagnosed depression and a mild tummy ache, so nothing I say is my fault and you can’t be mad at me.
Yours, Dark Prophet Maximus. No wait, Optimus, Speaker of Truth. No! Sephiroth Maximus, Child of the Nightmare. Yeah, that! That rocks.
[As above, keyboard sounds coinciding with Janet’s typing]
Janet (via Voiceover): Dear… Sephiroth Maximus.
Sam: Oh hey, Janet!
Janet (via Voiceover): Your memo is unwelcome at Work It and, frankly, completely ignorant and stupid. But I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised.
You did, after all, previously email the team – which, as you’ll recall, is just the two of us – but regardless, you emailed the “team” to explain that women don’t understand Bitcoin because they’re biologically inferior. You emailed to explain that a neckbeard is actually the clearest expression of male excellence. You emailed with the preposterous claim that Jordan Peterson is for grown-ups, and not the little bitty crybabies that we know he’s actually speaking to. 
In sort, you’ve demonstrated a pattern of ignorance, stubbornness and a consistent lack of empathy. Unlike you, however, I don’t chalk this up to science, biology or other inalienable truths: I just think you’re a f[censor beep]cking moron.
In conclusion: stop whining, hit the gym, read a book, stop blaming others, celebrate diversity, get out of your bubble or, in a word, grow up.
Yours, Janet.
[As above, keyboard sounds coinciding with Sam’s brief typing]
Sam (via Voiceover): To the valued members of the Work It team,
But I don’t wannnnnaaa!
[Fade in crying babies]
Scene: Outro (29:04)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: Holy guacamole, Work It four is in the can. I think we all learned a lot. For example, workplace sexism deserves to be discussed by programs way smarter than ours. Way, way smarter. Oh, before you go, find us at @WorkItPod on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram, and on the web at workitpod.com. See you in the bread line, folks.
[The music fades out]