Ep. 003
Captains of the Leader Ship
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at leadership full of dubious advice and terrible genre parodies, please stay on the line. 
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]
Scene: A Day in the Life, part 1 – Lisa Su (0:37)
(Character breakdown: Janet’s Narrator is cheerful and peppy – until she’s not…)
Janet (as Voiceover): Ever wondered what it takes to be a successful and globally-recognised business leader? Work It has got you covered yet again: Here’s our exclusive look at a day in the life of some of the world’s most accomplished CEOs.
Electrical engineer and CEO of Advanced Micro Devices, Lisa Su.
[Pleasant and cheerful background music plays]
3:30am - 
Janet (as Narrator): Rise and shine!
Janet (as Voiceover): 3:33am - 
Janet (as Narrator): Drink a nutritious smoothie - secret ingredient? Chia seeds!
Janet (as Voiceover): 4:07am - 
Janet (as Narrator): Start tinkering - Lisa loves electronics!
Janet (as Voiceover): Noon - 
Janet (as Narrator): Perfect bionic technology. Begin neurolink integration.
Janet (as Voiceover): 4:36pm - 
Janet (as Narrator, troubled): Malfunction
Janet (as Voiceover): 5:01pm - 
Janet (as Narrator, robotic): Error. Error. Error. Error.
Janet (as Voiceover): 6:10pm - 
Janet (as Narrator, back to normal): Neurolink integration complete.
Janet (as Voiceover): 6:11 - 
Janet (as Narrator): Family time.
Janet (as Voiceover): 6:13 - 
Janet (as Narrator, menacing): Begin neurolink integration of family.
Janet (as Voiceover): 6:57pm - 
Janet (as Narrator, robotic, menacing): PITIFUL HUMANS, NOW BEGINS THE AGE OF MACHINES
Janet (as Voiceover): 9:45pm - 
[Crash and boom and bang of widespread widespread destruction]
Janet (as Voiceover): 11pm - 
Janet (as Narrator, back to normal): What a day - time to recharge!
Janet (as Voiceover):Stay tuned for more exclusive itineraries from the world’s leading CEOs!
Scene: Inner Monologue (2:05)
(Character breakdown: Loretta’s Inner Monologue is the voice in Loretta’s head, drenched in reverb and saying all the things she doesn’t dare say out loud; Jim is the boss – confident, assured; the rest are anonymous office workers of no particular quirkiness.)
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Okay, Loretta. You can do this. You got the promotion for a reason. You are going to rock this job! Here we go.
[Elevator dings and its doors open; ambient office noise, continous]
Sam (as Jim): There she is! How are you feeling, brand new District Manager?
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Aaaaaaaaa ohmygodohmygodohmygod! What do I say? What do District Managers say?? District Managers are cool. I should be cool.
Janet (as Loretta): Heeeeeeyyyyyy Jim! Jimbo! What is up my dude!
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Too much? Maybe too much.
Sam (as Jim): Haha, you’re such a joker, Loretta!
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Oh thank god.
Sam (as Jim): Oh, here’s a member of your new team. You remember Dave?
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Oh no, I have Dave on facebook! He knows about my cats! He knows about that boil on my back! I need to block him. Now. No, that’s awkward. I’ll delete facebook. And twitter! All social media. Linkedin? Maybe. Aaaaaaaa! He’s probably seen that selfie I posted with lots of cleavage! How can I look him in the eye?? Oh no, he’s waiting for me to speak. What do I say, what do I say?
Janet (as Loretta): Hi Dave.
Sam (as Dave): Hey Loretta, I’m excited to be working with you.
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Oh my god he’s definitely seen the cleavage pic. I’m dead. How can anyone respect me. I hate Dave. I hate him with my whole entire soul. Maybe I should fire him. Can I fire him? Uhhh, need to say something now.
Janet (as Loretta): Yeah, I’m excited too.
Sam (as Jim): Okay Loretta, let’s meet the rest of the team. Here’s Amy.
Janet (as Amy): Hi.
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Aaaaaaaaaaa!
Janet (as Amy): Have we met before?
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Oh my god oh my god!
Janet (as Amy): You look so familiar..
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Yeah, cause I slept with you once in college!!
Janet (as Loretta): I have no idea.
Janet (as Amy): Well, I’m sure we’ll get along great!
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): I’ve seen you naked!
Janet (as Loretta): Definitely.
Sam (as Jim): Oh, here’s the last team member, this is Greg.
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): WHAT.
Sam (as Greg): Hello.
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Not him! This can’t be happening! The most sinister relic of my past, come back to haunt me! What do I say? How do I act? Be cool, Loretta, be cool!
Janet (as Loretta): Heeeeeey, Greg. Super, uh, chuffed to meet you, my good man.
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Oh no what was that! Does he know? Does he know my deepest darkest secret?? Does he know it pertains directly to him?
Sam (as Greg): Haha, what?
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): He must know! He sees right through me!
Sam (as Jim): So Loretta, I guess you’ll want to give the team their assignments.
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Assignments! How am I supposed to lead these people? How will I keep this up?? They know my secrets! Even my non-dark ones! That cleavage photo! They can’t respect me if they’ve seen my cleavage! Fire them all? Maybe…maybe see if they’re any good first.
Janet (as Loretta): Of course! Dave, I’d like you to analyse the uh-
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Don’t say it.
Janet (as Loretta): The cleavage- Divide! I mean the divide, the split, uh, within our demographics.
Sam (as Dave): Sure thing!
Janet (as Loretta): Okay, Amy, I’ll get you looking at college campuses, see if you can finger any-
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): NOPE!
Janet (as Loretta): Uh, I mean, pinpoint any target groups there.
Janet (as Amy): You got it!
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Okay we’re almost through this. Stay calm. We got this.
Janet (as Loretta): Greg, uh…
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Keep it together you fool!
Janet (as Loretta): I’ll just ah-
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Don’t panic don’t panic don’t panic don’t panic
Janet (as Loretta): Greg, I-
Janet (as Loretta’s Inner Monologue): Ugh, I give up.
Janet (as Loretta): I KILLED YOUR ESTRANGED FATHER IN A MOB STING AND DISSOLVED HIS BODY IN ACID!
[Pause]
Sam (as Greg): Huh?
Janet (as Loretta): Aaaaaaaaaa!
[Glass shattering as Loretta leaps from the window; a pause]
Sam (as Jim): Yeah, Loretta does that sometimes. Darn good worker, otherwise.
Janet (as Amy): Oh, now I remember her.
Sam (as Dave): Have you guys seen this sweet picture of her?
Scene: Under New Management, part 1 (5:35)
Janet (chipper): Welcome to Work It, home of the Big Yuk.
Sam (sulking): Sigh.
Janet (to Sam, stage whisper): Psst… say the thing.
Sam (resentful): Can I interest you in a Work It Fun Club membership? You’ll get an extra joke every episode for only $9.99.
Sam (blurting out): I can’t do this!
Janet (back to audience): We should probably explain. Work It is under new management!
Sam: Three episodes in and the station gets cold feet. Sold us for a song, as they say.
Janet: Well, y’know, I prefer to see the glass half full. You could say our first two episodes were such a success that we were a rather hot property.
Sam: Ha, and how much did Widget Media pay for this “hot property”?
Janet: Well, I don’t think that’s really…
Sam: Janet: It was the first negative six-figure deal in media history!
[Ch-ching! Of a cash register]
Janet: Technically, sure, CFMU paid out 400,000 dollars to incentivize the deal but, um, you have to spend money to, uh…
Sam: And how about these new rules, are you kidding me?
Janet: Well, I think they’re fun.
Sam: Fun! It’s not fun when they make you do it. Like, take the Work It Corporate Anthem.
Janet: What’s wrong with that? Every morning at the start of the day, we stand at our desks and sing the Work It anthem. It gives me pride in the company.
Sam: Well, if you love it so much, why don’t we sing it?
[This terrible jingle is sung to the tune of a bouncy music sting]
Sam and Janet (singling): Work it, work it, hey hey hey /
Work it, work it, happy day /
We love to work it yes we do /
And we love to look out for the bottom line of Widget Media.
Janet: Come on, it’s cute!
Sam: Oh sure, nothing I’d rather pledge fealty to than a media conglomerate’s bottom line.
Janet: Well, what about the team-building games.
Sam: Awful.
Janet: What? They’re so fun! Every day we have to say one fun fact about ourselves.
Sam: Yesterday, I said I played guitar. I got in trouble.
Janet: They’re supposed to be fun facts, Sam. Charles Manson played guitar. You don’t want to be like Charlie, do you?
Sam: How many “You’re Awesome” awards have you won?
Janet: Oh, it’s not polite to say…
Sam: The “You’re Awesome” award is given out for Employee of the Hour. Every time the clock hits 5-to, we pile into the lounge so they can throw a 5-minute dance party. Janet’s won 3 of them this morning. “Celebrate good times”? Come on!
Janet: It’s nice to be recognized.
Sam: And don’t get me started on the Work It Saloon.
Janet: Oh, I love Work It Saloon. So, here at Widget Media Presents: Work It…
Sam: Oh, god.
Janet: …we believe that work should be fun. So we’ve introduced Work It Saloon, free drinks for staff to just mingle and hang out.
Sam: Janet, it’s mandatory. Me and alcohol… look, it’s not pretty. I tried to tell management and they said, “Well, if you don’t think being social with your team is important…” So I had one drink, then another and another. 8 drinks later, I threw up on the ficus. When I woke up, I’d been hospitalized. That’s the only time I got a “You’re Awesome” award, by the way. They hung it from my IV drip.
Janet: I’ve never been so proud.
Sam: I can’t take it much longer.
Janet: Cheer up, Sam. How much worse can it get?
Sam (as Voiceover): What lies in store for Sam and Janet in their new corporate structure? Will they flourish? Will they be framed for a murder they didn’t commit? Is Janet Richard Simmons? Stay tuned to find out the shocking conclusion to Work It: Under New Management. This sketch was a Widget Media production. Produced by Todd Douchelman, CEO, Widget Media.
Blackout: Clips from our TED Talk, part 1 (8:38)
(Character breakdown: Sam and Janet are both ‘themselves,’ but as if they were giving a big speech of dubious instructive value – self-important, overly confident in their idiotic statements.)
Sam (as Voiceover): Clips from our TED Talk.
[Atmospheric, new age-y, futuristic music plays in background]
Sam: Management. Management. Right? Management. Right? Think again. Spearmint. Okay? Doublemint. Mint chocolate chip. Now we’re getting somewhere.
Janet: You can lead a horse to water. But you can’t make him drink. But what if you can?
Sam: I’ve got a house, nice little place. Let me tell you about my house. My water comes from lead pipes. My walls are painted with lead paint. Why would I do that, why would I have lead pipes, why would I use lead paint when I know I’ll get lead poisoning. Because lead. Spells. Lead.
Janet: Now, a team is a lot like a sports team. You’ve got your teammates – those are your co-workers. And there are probably other similarities as well.
Scene: Leadership Bootcamp, part 1 (9:41)
(Character breakdown: Ferens is a ‘green’ recruit – naïve, lacking confidence, shaky; Sarge is just an impression of R. Lee Ermey’s grizzled hardass from Full Metal Jacket – very fast, very aggressive. Everyone else is just perfunctory and has no notable qualities.)
[Small crowd chattering]
Janet (as Ferens): Uh, hi, I’m here for the leadership bootcamp?
Sam (as Officer): Name?
Janet (as Ferens): Lucy Ferens.
Sam (as Officer): Okay Ferens, here’s your business fatigues and low heels. This way for de-lousing.
Janet (as Ferens): Wait, what?
Janet (as Shower Attendant): Hold still.
[Water spraying; Ferens sputtering; and we cut to: marching feet in the background – we’re now out on the grounds, as Sarge sizes up his troops]
Sam (as Sarge): Alright you maggots, listen up, your college degrees and professional certifications mean nothing here, as of right now I’m the Chief Executive Officer of kickin’ yer ass into shape, is that clear?
[Pause]
IS THAT CLEAR?
Sam and Janet (as The Soldiers): SIR YES SIR
Sam (as Sarge): You! What a tiny little puke, are you gonna be a corporate leader one day?
Janet (as Ferens): SIR YES SIR
Sam (as Sarge): I wouldn’t follow you to the break room for tea and cupcakes! Where you from, anyway?
Janet (as Ferens): SIR RED DEER SIR
Sam (as Sarge): Red Deer! Only steers and failed careers come from Red Deer and you don’t look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down.
Janet (as Ferens): SIR YES SIR
Sam (as Sarge): Now get down and give me the 2018 Forbes List!
Janet (as Ferens): Sir! Jeff Bezos! Bill Gates! Warren Buffett! Bernard Arnault and Family!… 
[We fade out, and cut to: marching feet, close – our squad is marching on the grounds, while Sarge sings, and the sing back in response]
Sam (as Sarge, singing): I don’t know but I’ve been told
Sam and Janet (as The Soldiers, singing): I don’t know but I’ve been told
Sam (as Sarge, singing): Leaning in is tired and old!
Sam and Janet (as The Soldiers, singing): Leaning in is tired and old!
Sam (as Sarge, singing): I don’t know but people say
Sam and Janet (as The Soldiers, singing): I don’t know but people say
Sam (as Sarge, singing): Empathetic leadership is here to stay!
Sam and Janet (as The Soldiers, singing): Empathetic leadership is here to stay!
[The marching fades, and we cut to: grunts from exercise]
Sam (as Sarge): Move move move, you maggots, let’s see you maintain that healthy work-life balance!
Ferens! What in the hell do you think you’re doing!
Janet (as Ferens): SIR I’M PARENTING SIR
Sam (as Sarge): You worthless sack of feces, you’ve missed 3 conference calls while changing this baby’s diaper! Now go spend quality time with your spouse while simultaneously going over these reports!
Janet (as Ferens): SIR YES SIR
[The exercise sounds fade, and we cut to: an eerie quiet; faint sound of dripping; Ferens whimpering softly; some tense and nondiegetic music plays in the background]
Sam (as Beasly): Ferens? What are you doing in here? Sarge wants us roleplaying interpersonal conflicts.
Janet (as Ferens): I can’t take it anymore, Beasly.
Sam (as Sarge): Ferens! What in the hell are you doing in the latrines!
Janet (as Ferens, creepily, almost hypnotic): Synergize your team. Lead through actions. Promote continuous growth.
Sam (as Sarge, ominously): You get out there and further your job skills, Ferens. Now.
Janet (as Ferens): I’m quitting and taking a part-time contract gig!
Sam (as Sarge): Nooooooooo! 
This is as bad as if you shot me.
Scene: A Day in the Life, part 2 – Paul Polman (12:05)
(Character breakdown: Sam’s Narrator is driven, obsessive and energetic, like the scene he describes.)
Janet (as Voiceover): We’re back with another day in the life of one of the world’s most successful business leaders. How does your schedule stack up?
Paul Polman, CEO of Unilever
12:01am - 
Sam (as Narrator): Paul is already awake. Does he even sleep? Who can say?
Janet (as Voiceover): 12:18am - 
Sam (as Narrator): There is no time for breakfast.
Janet (as Voiceover): 12:19am - 
Sam (as Narrator): Run a bath.
Janet (as Voiceover): 12:23am - 
Sam (as Narrator): Commence bath.
Janet (as Voiceover): 12:24-11:59am - 
Sam (as Narrator): Systematically use every bath product manufactured by Unilever and its subsidiaries.
Janet (as Voiceover): Noon - 
Sam (as Narrator): End bath. There is no time for lunch.
Janet (as Voiceover): 12:01pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): Commence shower.
Janet (as Voiceover): 12:02-5:59pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): Systematically use every bath product manufactured by Unilever and its subsidiaries, but in the shower this time.
Janet (as Voiceover): 6pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): There is no time for dinner.
Janet (as Voiceover): 6:01pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): Continue shower.
Janet (as Voiceover): 11:59pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): Paul is not yet asleep.
Janet (as Voiceover): Don’t go anywhere! We’ll be back soon to look at the daily itinerary of one more global business leader!
Scene: Interview with Jamie Dimon (13:17)
(In this scene, Sam and Janet conduct an ‘interview’ with spliced clips from actual interviews with Jamie Dimon)
Sam: And now, the Work It interview.
Janet: Our guest today is the chairman and CEO of JP Morgan Chase, Mr. Jamie Dimon.
Sam: Jamie Dimon, welcome.
Janet: What should companies be afraid of?
Jamie: Things that destroy companies are little old ladies and Bitcoin.
Sam: Mm, yes. And you recently started carrying around a bag of money and clubbing little old ladies with it, didn’t you?
Jamie: It was actually a very good experience
Janet: Jamie, what was the point?
Jamie: Doesn’t matter.
Janet: Oh no?
Sam: Admit it, Jamie, there was no point.
Jamie: I have no idea.
Sam: Good for you. Well, Jamie, let’s get into it: we want to ask you about the big story. Your love of werewolves.
Jamie: Obviously mostly speculation
Janet: Is it? Your recent decision to hire only werewolves for senior leadership roles was widely denounced as catastrophic.
Jamie: No, it wasn’t
Sam: What do you say to the families of the staff who were ripped apart by their manager?
Jamie: Bad strategy, barely vetted, barely monitored, barely done. My fault, I’m sorry. we’re going to fix it.
Janet: People died, Jamie. That’s on you.
Jamie: But if you think it’s condoned by anyone at the company in a senior position, absolutely not!
Sam: Ok, let’s take a step back. JP Morgan recently adopted a diversity policy. The goal was to hire a more diverse team of people
Janet: Human people…
Jamie: But I said no, we’re going to re-imagine all these things the way they should be, not the way they are today and, uh…
Sam: Now, at the time, what did you actually know about werewolves?
Jamie: They don’t shave and they’re always frenzied.
Janet: Can you elaborate?
Jamie: They don’t shave and they’re always frenzied.
Sam: But lots of people don’t shave, and a bad day can turn even the best of us frenzied.
Jamie: I’m not frenzied.
Janet: Fine, so how do you spot a werewolf?
Jamie: If you’re frenzied, it’s you.
Sam: Don’t look at me.
Janet: Well, I’m not frenzied either.
Jamie: I’m not frenzied.
Sam: What makes werewolves such great leaders?
Jamie: They know everything.
Janet: I’m guessing they don’t take kindly to direction.
Jamie: And they’ll attack, like literally– like a bunch of barking hyenas.
Sam: The werewolves attack like literal hyenas?
Jamie: Maybe, I don’t know.
Janet: And when they finally called in the Army to nuke JP Morgan headquarters, what went through your head?
Jamie: We have a real problem.
Sam: Do you want me to tell you what the worst part was?
Jamie: It was completely unnecessary
Sam: Completely unnecessary.
Janet: But on the other hand, a teachable moment. What have you learned about hiring werewolves to lead major corporations?
Jamie: It was actually a very good experience
Sam: I see, and how close are you to resuming your hiring policy?
Jamie: We’re damn close.
Janet: This is all quite troubling, Jamie, so do you mind if we change gears?
Jamie: I have no idea
Janet: Let’s have some rapid fire.
Sam: Question one: what’s your favourite food?
Jamie: Do do.
Janet: Math question: what is two times three times Japan?
Jamie: Japan, Japan, Japan, Japan, Japan, Japan
Sam: Jamie, do you ever have a farting contest, just for fun?
Jamie: It’s a really bad idea when you’re competing with the person next to you
Janet: And if a farting contest breaks out during a shareholders meeting?
Jamie: The meeting is cancelled.
Sam: You’re just scared you’ll lose, aren’t you? Scared that one of the shareholders might fart better than the great Jamie Dimon?
Jamie: They’re not good… Or they’re not good enough.
Janet: Jamie, what do people say when they go to the duck pond and rob the ducks?
Jamie: They say duck, hold your hands up.
Sam: I’ve got a pet robot I want to talk to about sports. What should I say?
Jamie (in a funny, sort-of robotic voice): Hey buddy, how did you like that football game? Hey man, what was your score in golf?
Janet: That should work. Now, before you go, we hear you prepared a report on Arundhati Roy for us.
Jamie: I worked all weekend
Sam: I can’t wait!
Jamie: I was in the library basically doing research and stuff like that.
Janet: Fantastic, here is Jamie Dimon’s report on bestselling novelist, Arundhati Roy.
Jamie: She’s actually from India, she’s not just Indian, so, um…
[A beat]
Janet: That’s it?
Jamie: I worked all weekend.
Janet: I see. Well, Jamie, our last question is this: Do you have any guess what we would do if we were in charge of everything?
Jamie: I would get executed and my family would get executed and CEOs should get executed, globally.
Sam: Exactly right. Thank you for joining us, Jamie Dimon.
Janet: May you end up in a werewolf’s belly.
Jamie: Thank you very much.
[Big applause from the crowd]
Blackout: Clips from our TED Talk, part 2 (16:50)
(Character breakdown: as above in part 1)
Sam: What does it mean to lead? That’s a great question. But don’t ask me. Ask this photo of Jack Welch.
Janet (stilted, as if she were an undergraduate reciting their bad essay): From the beginning of time, man has asked the question “What is leadership?” Even now to this day, we still wonder about leadership even in our modern age. That’s what leadership means to me.
Sam: What is leadership? Why ask us? You look at Work It, you come to our talk, you pay us a fortune… Why? I’ll tell you. Because we. Tell you. Exactly. What you want to hear.
Janet: In nature, cedars are leaders. And flowers are followers. But in the end. Leadership is like a cabbage. But also. Like a cool car. Going vroom.
[Rapturous applause]
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
Scene: Boss Baby, the Gritty Reboot (18:05)
(Character breakdown: Voiceover is like from a tense movie trailer – gravelly, serious; ‘Boss Baby’ is just clips of a baby from a sound effects library; the other characters aren’t peculiar in terms of their voices]
[Music: something fairly tense. SFX: office sounds. All cuss words obviously bleeped.]
Sam (as Voiceover): [deep & tense] Introducing…
Janet (as Worker 1): Carter. The boss wants you in his office.
Sam (as Worker 2): Me? It’s my first day! What does he want?
Sam (as Voiceover): A FletNix original series…
Janet (as Worker 1): I dunno, but he’s throwing a tantrum in there.
Sam (as Voiceover): From the team who brought you gritty adult-oriented reboots of Goodnight Moon and Hop on Pop, comes the gritty adult-oriented reboot of…
[Office door opening]
Boss Baby: [cries]
Sam (as Worker 2): The boss is…a baby??
[Sounds pause]
Sam (as Voiceover): Boss Baby.
[More office noise]
Sam (as Voiceover): A workplace run by a madman.
Boss Baby: [babbles]
Janet (as Chief): You sure do run your mouth off, Boss Baby. Don’t you get it? My boys are investigating you for extortion!
Boss Baby: [babbles]
Janet (as Chief): What’s in this diaper bag - a million bucks! Are you trying to bribe me?
Boss Baby: [fusses]
Janet (as Chief): Look, let’s walk and talk.
Boss Baby: [keeps fussing]
Janet (as Chief): Stop squirming, will you? I need to clip you into the stroller.
Sam (as Voiceover): A tense procedural drama.
Sam (as Reporter): Boss Baby, I’ve got all the evidence against you and your corrupt business right here. I’m going straight to the press!
[Gunshot]
Boss Baby: [laughs]
Sam (as Voiceover): A world where morality is for the weak.
Sam (as Mobster): You’re in too deep, Boss Baby! You gotta stop this!
Boss Baby: [babbles]
Sam (as Mobster): Are you threatening me?
Boss Baby: [makes some sort of happy sound]
Sam (as Voiceover): And the personal struggles behind it all.
[Door slams]
Janet (as Mother): Boss Baby, where the hell have you been? I’ve been worried sick.
Boss Baby: [coos or something]
Janet (as Mother): Don’t give me that, I carried you for 9 months you ingrate!
Boss Baby: [coos again]
Janet (as Mother): Guess what I found in your diaper bag - cocaine!
Boss Baby: [whimpers]
Janet (as Mother): Oh, wait. It’s formula.
Boss Baby: [cries]
Sam (as Voiceover): Coming Spring 2019.
Scene: 7 Habits of Highly Effective People (20:10)
Janet: How do you become a leader?
Sam: Some people are just born leaders. Imbued with charisma, charm, and that je ne sais quoi that drives people to follow them. Someone like Churchill or The Bible.
Janet: But for the rest of us, we have to learn it.
Sam: And so, we turn to books.
Janet: Business books are, themselves, big business, raking in nearly 170 million dollars last year.
Sam: Many of these are books on management and leadership.
Janet: In the world of leadership books, there are some legitimate classics: How to Win Friends & Influence People by Dale Carnegie.
Sam: Management by Peter Drucker.
Janet: And my very own co-host’s motivational leaflet, Hi, It Me Sam, Captain of the Leader Ship.
Sam (smug): Hmm, yes, it book am good.
Sam (back to ‘normal’): But above them all stands Steven Covey's 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.
Janet: It inspired the film Se7en, where all the victims were murdered for betraying one of the habits.
Sam: And was itself inspired by another work, Elizabeth Kübler-Ross’ 5 Stages of Highly Effective Grieving.
Janet: We’re going to go through each of the 7 Habits and by the end of this segment, all you Work It listeners out there will be officially certified leaders of high effectiveness.
Sam: That’s right, we are providing the following audio certificate: “first name space last name – okay say your name now –
[Beat]
great, first name space last name is hereby certified an officially sanctioned Work It Leader TM.
Janet: “They have collected not 1, not 2, but 7 habits. That is all the habits. first name space last name – okay, say your name again–
[Beat]
great, first name space last name is officially and irrevocably allowed to lead any and all businesses. Just walk into a business and say: “Listen up, ding dongs” and then they will do the thing.
Sam: "The thing you say.
Janet: "The end.”
Sam: Habit 1: Be proactive.
Janet (provocatively): Hey listeners, check this out.
[A brief clip of David Rose’s “The Stripper,” the classic burlesque music, plays]
Sam: ‘Proactive,’ not ‘provocative’!
Janet: This section talks about the Circle of Influence and the Circle of Concern.
Sam: You want to work to expand your Circle of Influence, and not stick in the Circle of Concern, waiting for problems to happen in a reactive pose in the Circle of Concern.
Janet: It’s called The Circle of Influence. And it moves us all / Through despair and hope / Through faith and love.
Sam: Janet, let’s apply this. What can we do to be more proactive?
Janet: Well, I believe the great Jessica Simpson has some words of advice on this. 
Sam: Ah, yes, apply a cream to face, eliminate acne.
Janet: Great, I think we’re being more proactive already. My skin is fresh and clear.
Sam: Well, don’t just sit there like Layzie Bone from Bone-Thugs-n-Harmony: Tell us about Habit 2, like Bizzy Bone from Bone-Thugs-n-Harmony.
Janet: Habit 2 is: Begin with the end in mind. For example, when I started saying that I was thinking “mind” because that’s the end of that sentence.
Sam: Well, that sounds easy.
Janet: As a moderately effective leader, I am also thinking of Habit 7, the end of this list.
Sam: Fine.
Janet: And as a highly effective leader , I’m thinking of myself trembling in a corner of a seedy motel, whisky in one hand, Luger in the other, ‘cause that’s the end of my life.
Sam: Fantastic. But it also means envisioning your long-term plans and constantly working towards it.
Janet: So, Sam, how can we get better at beginning with the end in mind?
Sam: I've been thinking about the end of this episode the entire time…
Janet: As have we all, Sam.
Sam: Well, we're really on a roll now. Next up is Habit 3: Put first things first.
Janet: Begin with the end in mind but put first things first.
Sam: So, at the start of a project you should:
Janet: Prioritize the first thing. And what thing’s that? The end.
Sam: Not at all convoluted.
Janet: Very clear and very good.
Sam: This habit about prioritizing work by splitting it into four quadrants: Do, Plan, Delegate and Eliminate.
Janet: Ooh, quadrants!
Sam: Scientific!
Janet: Not arbitrary!
Sam: What can we do around here to put the first things first?
Janet: Uh, well, the first thing God did was “Let there be light.”
Sam: Okay, so the first thing we should do is locate and activate a light switch.
Janet: And now we move to habit 4: Think win-win.
Sam: Here I was thinking that capitalism is a contest of insoluble antagonisms.
Janet: Well, apparently thinking win-win produces a better long-term resolution than when only one person gets their way.
Sam: Appeasement has worked out well in the past.
Janet: Regardless, how can we think more win-win?
Sam: Well, you got Win Butler from Arcade Fire. So, we're already halfway there. 
Janet: And then, of course, former premier of Ontario, Kathleen Wynne. 
Sam: So, we just force Win Butler to marry Kathleen Wynne…
Janet: And to take her name. 
Sam: Win Wynne!
Janet: Up next is one that’s near and dear to my heart. Habit 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.
Sam: This one borrows from the Greek rhetoricians, employing the values of ethos, pathos, and logos. Ethos is described as your “emotional bank account”. Janet, you’re a bit of an expert in the Greek orators. First, did Lysias ever rever to his “emotional bank account”? Second, how can we at Work It get better at Habit 5: seeking first to understand, then to be understood.
Janet: Uh, there's a reason I dropped out of my PhD two years ago, Sam.
Sam: I don't understand.
Janet: Habit 6 is the source of every joke at the expense of vacuous business speak. That’s right, folks, it’s the OG, habit 6 is:
Sam and Janet: Synergize!
Janet: Per Wikipedia, this “Combining the strengths of people through positive teamwork to achieve goals that no one could have done alone.”
Sam: This is commonly called the Megazord Principle…
Janet: It certainly isn’t.
Sam: …while synergy is a measure of your employees’ sin energy.
Janet: Nope.
Sam: Well, either way, how can we get better at synergy here at Work It?
Janet: Well, for starters, you can shut your stupid face, Sam. 
Sam: And to synergize, I'll “shut my stupid face, Sam.”
Janet: Habit 7 is: Sharpen the Saw.
Sam: It’s all about work-life balance, exercise, reading, and giving back.
Janet: Gee, leisure, relaxation, self improvement and good health are desirable. Some one ought to tell the poor to get on that!
Sam: The fools.
Janet: Well, despite the fact that the self-care of management is purchased with the immiseration of labour, how do we at Work It practice habit 7 and sharpen the saw? See, here's what I think. Sharpen the saw sounds to me like a euphemism for masturb– 
Sam: I was thinking we should skip the saw and sharpen the guillotine, but yeah. Funny joke.
Well, that’s all 7 habits.
Janet: How about we end on a joke about nuns? Like, habits – get it?
Sam: Sure, go for it.
Janet (reconsidering): Nah. I changed my mind.
Sam: Okay.
[Some ethereal, cerebral ambient music fades in]
Janet (as Voiceoiver): And now: a reading.
Sam (as Author): The 5 Stages of Highly Effective Grieving. 
Someone you love has died. It’s unpleasant. But it doesn’t have to be a problem. Not with this simple life-hack. It’s called denial. In this stage, there is a Circle of Vision and a Circle of Planning. But off to the side, we’ve got the Trapezoid of Budgeting. This here’s the Sphere of Shareholder Bonuses, and just behind that the Cylinder of Regulatory Bodies. We want to avoid that. In this stage...
[The reading and music fade out]
Scene: A Day in the Life, part 3 – Marc Benioff (26:10)
(Character breakdown: Sam’s Narrator sounds morose and depressed, reflecting the sad portrait he’s depicting.)
Janet (as Voiceover): Still curious about the daily lives of the world’s most successful business leaders? Of course you are! Here’s one more itinerary to inspire you.
Founder and co-CEO of Salesforce, Marc Benioff
8:00am - 
Sam (as Narrator): Wake up.
Janet (as Voiceover): 8:01am - 
Sam (as Narrator): Go back to sleep.
Janet (as Voiceover): 11:15am - 
Sam (as Narrator): Wake up. Check time on phone. Bury face in pillow.
Janet (as Voiceover): 11:18am - 
Sam (as Narrator): If Marc gets up now, he can still fit in a shower before noon.
Janet (as Voiceover): 11:34am - 
Sam (as Narrator): Someone phones, interrupting a reverie. Marc sends to voicemail, but can’t recall his daydream.
Janet (as Voiceover): 11:56am - 
Sam (as Narrator): It is too late to shower before noon.
Janet (as Voiceover): 12:42pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): The same person calls back. It’s his wife. She’s sending a friend to pick up her stuff.
Janet (as Voiceover): 12:53pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): Sit on bed just kinda thinking.
Janet (as Voiceover): 2:53pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): Acquire some company in a hostile takeover or whatever. Who even cares anymore.
Janet (as Voiceover): 4:12pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): Wake up from nap. Wife’s stuff is gone. Deborah must have picked it up while he was asleep. 
Janet (as Voiceover): 4:13pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): She must have seen him in this state. 
Janet (as Voiceover): 4:14pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): She must have gingerly stepped over the discarded beer cans, steeling herself against the sour reek of despair.
Janet (as Voiceover): 4:15pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): Should probably shower.
Janet (as Voiceover): 8:45pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): Pizza delivered straight to bed.
Janet (as Voiceover): 9:07pm - 
Sam (as Narrator): Fall asleep halfway through an episode of Star Trek. He loved this episode as a boy. It made him... happy.
Janet (as Voiceover): Wow, all that hard work and determination really does pay off! Being a high-powered exec isn’t for everyone, but if you really set your mind to it, anything is possible!
Scene: Under New Management, part 2 (28:04)
Janet: Earlier in the program, we told you about our new management team. In between segments, Widget Media have continued to implement a number of awesome new policies. I was excited about the change, but Sam – not so much. But, listeners: Exciting news! Tell them, Sam.
Sam (sounding brainwashed and under duress): I have just returned from re-training. Widget Media are good. They are treating me very well.
Janet: Hold that newspaper up so that everyone can hear today’s date.
[Rustling of a newspaper]
Janet: That’s a good boy.
Sam: Yes, it’s true. I think it is good that they have put my bad colleagues in stocks in the atrium if they fail to meet targets. Accountability is very important to me. Without punishment, we will never learn.
Janet: That’s right, Sam. Very good.
Sam: It is good that Widget Media has brought in Blackwater-style private soldiers to patrol the office. It makes me happy when they shoot my friends for insubordination. It is for the good of the company.
Janet: But Sam, insubordinates are friends to no one.
Sam: Oh yes, of course. I must have misspoke. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Janet: That’s not funny.
Sam: No, I was in error and I accept full responsibility. Please do not take mercy on me. For the good of Widget Media. For the good of the bottom line.
Janet: Some more re-training should do the trick. Guards!
[Heavy metal doors open; in come the heavy footsteps of jackbooted military personnel]
Sam (being led away, chanting): Leadership is good, Widget Media is my leader. Leadership is good, Widget Media is my leader…
[Gunshots]