Ep. 002
All’s Fair in Love and Work
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at job hunting, full of dubious advice and millennial angst, please stay on the line. 
Janet (rushed): Sam, Sam, Sam, we have to tell them what the show is about, we only have 15 seconds: go! 
Sam (rushed): Ah, ah! Hob-junting! No, no: job hunting! 
Janet (calm): That's right, Sam. Today's episode is about job hunting. Enjoy, folks. 
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues and fades]
Blackout: 5 steps of Job Hunting, part 1, the résumé (0:49)
Sam (as Voiceover): The 5 steps of job-hunting. Step 1: The Résumé.
Sam: Please make sure your résumé is up to date. To truly set yourself apart, consider adding future positions, be it Robo-Farmer, Time Janitor or Cyber Chef. [[ Or “Peter Thiel blood bag”, “Mars settler”, “Automated car crash dummy”, “Cyber-hobo”, “”]]
It is important to make sure all your personal information is correct. No matter how impressive it may be, do not list your address as Buckingham Palace. You live in Stouffville.
It is important to account for any major gaps in your work history. That said, if your résumé contains phrases like “2015-18, watching porno,” consider revising.
Scene: Work It Is Hiring  (1:30)
Sam: What better way to celebrate the Job Hunting episode than with this piece of exciting news.
Janet: Work It is hiring. It’s our second episode, and frankly, it’s time we shift into growth mode.
Sam: We’ve earned it.
Janet: Did you folks hear the game show scene last episode? This is our time.
Sam: Now you’re probably saying to yourself: what’s the role? Senior VP of Terrible Puns? Associate Director of Cranking Out a Half-Hour of this Nonsense Every Week? Slow your roll, hot shot.
Janet: While those positions will almost certainly be opening soon, we’re starting by filling one of the more front-line roles.
Sam: Drumroll please…
[A very, very wimpy drumroll]
Janet: Work It is hiring for the role of: …
Sam: Unpaid Intern!
[Out-of-tune fanfare]
Janet: That’s right, Sam. This is an exciting and spiritually very lucrative…
Sam: Very lucrative.
Janet: Spiritually very lucrative role at Work It HQ.
Sam: In this role, you’d be working with two of the dominant forces in the comedy industry, Janet Mowat and Sam Allemang.
Janet: Learn directly from the people who brought you such masterworks as last week’s episode of Work It. And, prior to that… uh….
Sam: (filling the space)
The ideal candidate will have a PhD.
Janet (correcting): Multiple PhDs.
Sam: Great idea, Janet. The ideal candidate will have PhDs in every field, so if we’re ever interested in something, you can have a PhD in that and explain it do us.
Janet (play-acting): “What’s the biggest country?”
Sam (play-acting): “Well, Janet, as a PhD in Countries, it’s blah blah blah, Asia or whatever.”
Janet: We both dropped out of grad-school, but we’ll be holding you to a higher standard.
Janet: Deal with it.
Sam: The ideal candidate will be a recent graduate with 10 years experience.
Janet: Available 24/7 with a healthy work/life balance.
Sam: A self-starter who doesn’t need to be micromanaged…
Janet: …But seeks out and follows instructions in every task.
Sam: What else?
Janet: Fluency in French, German, Chinese required. Sumerian considered an asset.
Sam: Expert knowledge of JavaScript, HTML, and Super HTML.
Janet: Advanced user of Photoshop, Illustrator and Crayola Markers. Knowing which markers to huff to get woozy considered an asset.
Sam: We’re looking for someone who can help us with the important work that gets this show produced, such as:
Janet: Getting Sam his soy latte for 7:45 every morning.
Sam: Just a little cinnamon, and some of that unrefined sugar stuff, not too much. Making sure Janet has all the red wine she needs.
Janet: Mommy needs her writing juice. Filing down Sam’s toenails, one way or another.
Sam: Seriously, I look like Baraka down there. Bringing Janet her tissues when she starts listening to those stupid Weakerthans songs again…
Janet (weepy): That poor cat.
Sam (indulgent): Yes, Janet, that poor cat. 
Sam (cont’d, back to normal): Oh, how could I forget?
Janet: The Unpaid Intern will be expected to write and perform all future episodes of Work It.
Sam: Moreover, the incumbent will maintain the same level of quality which is, y’know, okay. Not terrible.
Janet: Pretty good considering.
Sam: Exactly: pretty good – asterisk.
Janet: The Unpaid Intern will engage in all necessary and unnecessary promotional efforts to promote Work It to a larger audience.
Sam: Any week we see our revenue dip, the Unpaid Intern will not only make up but double the difference.
Janet: The Unpaid Intern will be a social media guru, posting a never ending deluge of mind-numbing pabulum for our hog listeners to fave.
Sam: When I’m jamming to The Chainsmokers at Coachella with Kendall –
Janet: Close personal friend.
Sam: You’ll be there to snap the perfect selfie, hashtag California dreamin’, hashtag last day alive.
Janet: When anyone famous at all dies, even if we’ve never demonstrated even the remotest interest in their work, you g.d. better tweet “The entire Work It team is deeply saddened by the loss of whoever. He…
Sam: …or she…
Janet: …showed millions of kids just like me that it’s okay to feel like an outsider sometimes.”
Sam: And by the next day, if you’re not tweeting “Back on our grind,” like nothing happened and you’re not even remotely affected?
Janet: You’re in big trouble then, pal.
Sam: Hashtag, can’t stop.
Janet: Hashtag, won’t stop.
Sam: In a nutshell, the Unpaid Intern will do literally everything, get paid literally nothing, and be thanked literally never.
Janet: Your job is to make us rich and comfortable while you yourself are broke and exhausted.
Sam: You do the work…
Janet: …We take the credit.
Sam: If interested, please send your references and a quart of plasma to the Work It studios.
[A knock on the studio door]
Janet: Wow, Sam, that was fast. Sounds like an application was already delivered.
Sam: Let’s open it and…
[Sizzling – it’s a lit fuse]
Sam: Oh, this is creative. This person’s application is shaped like a stick of dyna–
[A big explosion]
Blackout: Networking Pickup Lines, part 1 (5:49)
Janet (as Voiceover): Networking pickup lines.
Janet: You could say I'm a lady in the streets and a freak in the spreadsheets. 
Sam: Have I seen you before?
Janet: No.
Sam: Oh, it was in my dreams of the perfect contact to add to my network. 
Janet: Is it hot in here or is it just your business acumen?
Blackout: 5 steps of Job Hunting, part 2, the search (6:17)
Sam (as Voiceover): The 5 steps of job-hunting. Step 2: The Search.
Sam: With your résumé done, the next step is the want ads. Online job boards are a great resource for finding open positions. If you are seeing job titles like “Lo mein with beef” and “Spring rolls, 2 per order,” you are looking at a menu of Chinese food and not a job board
It’s always a good idea to check the salary range. One useful tip is, if the number is higher, you’ll get paid more.
Make sure to check for remote jobs too. Today’s technology makes working from home easy. The best part is, there’s no dress code, although those undies could use a wash, don’t you think?
Scene: Precarity, part 1 (7:01)
Sam (as Announcer):Last week on Precarity.
Sam (as Host): Contestants, for this week’s debasement challenge, you must work overtime with no compensation. The first of you to quit in protest will be eliminated, but at least you’ll get exposure.
Sam (as Chad): [typing noises] It’s been 6 hours! This is bull!
Sam (as Host): Hang in there Chad! You’re doing great, contestants!
Janet (as Christa): I can’t do it! I want to go home! [weeping] I quit!
Sam (as Host): Christa, you’ve been eliminated after 8 hours of unpaid overtime and loads of exposure. Please take your resume and go.
Janet (as Christa, weeping): I can’t eat exposure!
Sam (as Announcer):And now, the grand finale of…Precarity!
Sam (as Host): Welcome back to Precarity, the show where we push desperate job candidates to their very limits, and give them so much exposure. We’re down to our final two job seekers, Chad and Roberta. Who will reign supreme as Most Employable?
How are you feeling, Roberta?
Janet (as Roberta): I’ve got this in the bag. I’ve got years of grad school under my belt, so I’m no stranger to overwork and inadequate pay.
Sam (as Host): How about you, Chad?
Sam (as Chad): I’m pretty confident. What little pride I had when I started this job hunt is gone.
Sam (as Host): Well, it all comes down to the final debasement challenge. Our two competitors will have to face their most demeaning task yet: the spec project!
Sam (as Announcer):In the spec project, contestants must complete a full market analysis, unpaid. Our contestants will surrender all rights of ownership in perpetuity. But think of the exposure!
Sam (as Host): Chad, Roberta, you have 1 day to complete this assignment, though any sane employer would give you weeks. Your time starts…now!
[Tense music plays; there’s the sound of pens writing on papers]
Sam (as Host): Chad, how are you feeling about your project?
Sam (as Chad): I really can’t talk right now, Stan.
Sam (as Host): Roberta, what are you working on?
Janet (as Roberta): Ah! I’ve got writer’s cramp!
Sam (as Announcer):Stay tuned for more…Precarity!
Blackout: Networking Pickup Lines, part 2 (9:18)
Janet (as Voiceover): Networking pickup lines. 
Sam: Did it hurt? 
Janet: What?
Sam: When you broke through the glass ceiling? 
Janet: Is that an astronaut pantsuit? Because your professionalism is out of this world. 
Sam: Are you a light switch? ’Cause I want to turn you on– to an exciting business opportunity.
Banter: Interviewing at a Startup (9:47)
Sam: Hi, I'm Sam 
Janet: And I'm Janet
Sam: And we're going to do a segment called best practices where we tackle common problems that workers face and offer insight and advice of extremely dubious value to you, our beloved listener. Today's topic is interviewing with startups.
Janet: Yeah, so, if you're gen-z or a millennial on the job market, there's a pretty good chance that you have looked into startups.
They tend to be on the cutting edge of their field. And they're usually looking for young, cool workers like you and me, uh, maybe even like Sam here. 
Sam: Yeah. Cool. Like me. 
Yeah. Kind of like you, uh, so Sam let's pretend for a moment that you're young and cool. And you're interviewing at a startup get into character here
Sam: Tight pants, mustache...
Janet: Yes. Perfect. Uh, so you have an interview with a startup now. What sort of questions are you preparing for, do you think? 
Sam: Sure. Almost invariably, they'll ask you, “tell us a bit about yourself.” Uh, you may get, “what's your biggest weakness?” and you may get, “Tell us about a time you had to resolve something with a customer.”
Janet: Yeah. Won't you be surprised, then, when you turn up for your interview with a tech company or a startup and they throw inane drivel your way in the form of questions that have nothing to do with anything. 
Uh, so I am going to put you on the spot and ask you a series of questions that actual startup companies and tech companies, uh, have for-real asked their potential employees.
Are you ready for this? 
Sam: I'm ready, but if this goes well, so you'll hire me at what six-figure entry? 
An unpaid internship, if you're lucky. 
Sam: Cool. 
Janet: Okay. So Sam, welcome to Work It Enterprises. Thank you for coming to chat with us. 
Sam: Have you noticed how cool and young I am? 
Janet: Well, we'll see about that. Let's start off with an easy question.
Are you the smartest person you know? 
Sam: I'm definitely not. I don't know if this is what 'Work It Enterprises' or some other tech company would want to hear, but no, of course not. At university, I met people infinitely smarter than I am. I'm good at certain things– you know, one of my heroes likes to talk about himself as “Bugs Bunny smart.”
It's not actually– it's not actually 'smart,' but he can get by with the, like, meager toolbox that he's got. 
Janet: So you're telling me that Bugs Bunny's not a genius?
Sam: Is Bugs Bunny, the smartest person I know? Actually, so, you know– 
Janet: That's the real question here! Uh, okay, so your answer, your answer is no, you are not the smartest person, you know.
Sam: Yeah, no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't dare to say that. A psychopath would say that. But I'm going to bet that you may tell us that actually psychopaths thrive in the professional world. 
Janet: I maybe would have gone sociopath, but yes, that's precisely what I'm getting at. The, the startup CEO who asks this question has in fact clarified that yes, they are looking for people who answer “I am the smartest person I know.” Because, like, we would all expect them to be looking for some amount of humility, right? Like, uh, someone who is looking for mentorship and opportunities for development. But no, they want people who, uh, have gone all the way through university and still have never met anyone they thought was smarter than them, which like, we can unpack that for a second.
I think you're only going to find narcissists and, like, insufferable neckbeards.
Sam: You know, what I'm thinking of is I'm going through, like, a, a catalog of all the dumbest people I know and just dreaming of them answering this question. “Yes. Yes I am.” 
Janet: If Twitter has taught me anything... So, best of luck to that startup. 
If you could have any two celebrities as your parents, who would you choose and why?
Sam: What sort of traits do you think we would want in our celebrity parents? Like just doting? Pure and simple wealth? 
Janet: Yeah, well, you get two to choose from so I guess you could go for, like, one doting parent and one wealthy go-getter. I could see picking what is, uh, obviously already a very happy couple. Uh, there aren't too many to choose from, but Chrissy Tiegen and John Legend spring to mind. 
Sam: Oh my gosh, she's going to be on Twitter all day– you're like, “Mommy, I want dinner,” “I just have 30 tweets to send to the president, honey.” 
Janet: Well, what do you think then? 
Sam: How about... John Legend, we'll keep him. But then I'll add at Krang T Nelson because his tweets are way better than the Tiegen lady's.
So, what do you think this is about? Like, I feel like maybe it's about trying to get your values by what you would look for in somebody that'd be your parent, maybe?
Janet: Yeah, there are a couple of ways this could go. Um, maybe this is a way to assess your values. Another possibility is that, um, it's more of a personality test.
Like, you are more likely to choose people who share the same sort of personality as you. But ultimately I would say it's unclear what they're looking for. 
So last question, “Sam, what is your go-to karaoke song and what is your favorite dance move?” 
Sam: Yeah. Okay. Well, I'll, I'll answer it quickly and say, uh, it had been Bruce Springsteen songs, but I just recently realized how terrible I am, so I think that we'll have to get retired. Um, that, okay, that is me answering that question: Born to Run. 
Janet: Can I just say you do an excellent Morrissey? 
Sam: Oh, thank you. He's become so hideous. I dunno. I guess I'll still bust it out... 
Janet: Yeah, I wouldn't hire you because of it, but socially. 
Sam: Okay. So either Morrissey or Bruce Springsteen, one of those people is terrible and my performance of the other is terrible. Uh, so yeah, I might need to go back to the drawing board. 
Janet: How do you think people are supposed to answer this? Like what can our, what can our listeners possibly learn from this? What words of wisdom do we have? 
Well, you didn't tell me what your go-to dance move is. 
Sam: Sure. Passing out. 
Janet: As I suspected. Uh, difficult to peg exactly what they're looking for with a question like this, but it is an actual, real string of questions that a startup has asked in their job interviews.
I think– so in the real interview, and I'm not saying that this isn't real, in many ways it is, but like an interview with a company that wasn't Work It Enterprises, they would make you demonstrate both. They would make you sing your karaoke song and do your dance move. And I think what they're going for with this is pure “How wacky are you?” Like, are you the sort of person we want to go for beers with on Friday night? 
Sam: You know what? I'm going to posit that they're actually going for, and that they don't even realize it is, “How– To what degree will you debase yourself for the whims of management?” frankly. If, if that's how this goes down, I th– you know, they are looking for you to say “How high?”
Janet: Yeah, that's really sinister, actually. 
Sam: What if I put the question to you thus? “Dance monkey!”
Janet: And I would leap up and moonwalk for you.
Sam (as Morrissey): “And I'd sing Morrissey...”
Janet: Alright, so do you think you've got a feel for how these interview questions work? 
Sam: Oh yeah. I got the job, no problem. 
Janet: You're an expert? So, let's listen in on a few of these sorts of interviews with super cool companies, um, and see what some good and maybe some bad answers might be to these totally real, actually existing job interview questions.
Sam: God help us all.
Blackout: Startup interview tips. What to do; what not to do. (17:27)
Janet (as Interviewer): What keeps you awake at night?
Sam (as Bad Interviewee, spooked): Them. They’re everywhere. Please…help me.
[Buzzer – wrong!]
Janet (as Good Interviewee): My creative drive. How can you sleep when there’s so much you can do??
[Ding – right!]
Sam (as Interviewer): If you had to automate the job for which you are applying, how would you do it?
Janet (as Bad Interviewee): I’m not falling for this again!
[Buzzer – wrong!]
**Sam (as Good Interviewee, nerdy): Fortunately, I’ve already thrown together a little program! And this robot!
[Ding – right!]
Sam (as Interviewer): Why do you want to work for a startup when you could get a job at a larger company, make more money and have a better work/life balance?
Janet (as Bad Interviewee): Well, when you put it that way…
[Footsteps racing from the room and a door slams; buzzer – wrong!]
Sam (as Good Interviewee): My favourite activity is to work until I drop!
[Ding – right!]
Janet (as Interviewer): Are you the type to check your inbox on vacation?
Sam (as Bad Interviewee): Ha! Am I the type to check when I’m not on vacation?!
[Buzzer – wrong!]
Janet (as Good Interviewee): Yes.
[Ding – right!]
Blackout: 5 steps of Job Hunting, part 3, the application (18:24)
Sam (as Voiceover): The 5 steps of job-hunting. Step 3: The Application.
Sam: Every job application should come with a cover letter. Not sure what to write? Turn to some of the great letter writers from history for inspiration. Take Cicero: Sic moneo ut filium, sic suadeo ut mihi. Makes you think.
Try to address your cover letter to an individual. It is not best practice to begin, “To whom it may concern,” or “Listen up, ding dong.”
Most job applications are done by email these days. Some by fax machine and some by snail mail. But no applications should involve standing nude by a mirror doing jumping jacks. That’s not a job application. I’m not sure what it is.
Scene: Precarity, part 2 (19:16)
Sam (as Announcer):And now, the thrilling conclusion to…Precarity!
Sam (as Host): Chad, Roberta, you’ve both completed your unpaid spec project. You’re both drowning in exposure, but only one will emerge employed.
Chad. Your project took intriguing creative risks, but wasn’t what the judges expected.
Sam (as Chad): Oh god, this is so dispiriting.
Sam (as Host): Roberta. Your project was rushed and uninspired, but you did find ways to flatter the judges.
Janet (as Roberta):I learned that trick in grad school!
Sam (as Host): I can’t even see, there’s so much exposure emanating from you both! But the real winner is [tense pause] Roberta.
Sam (as Chad): Aaaaaargh I’m so frustrated!
Sam (as Host): Chad, at least you’ve got a king’s ransom in sweet, sweet exposure. And Roberta, congratulations. You’ve won a 1-month contract with no benefits or possibility of renewal!
Janet (as Roberta): …oh.
Sam (as Host): …And so much exposure, you’d never have to work another day in your life, if only exposure was worth money! We’ll probably see you both next season on…Precarity!
Scene: Office Connections (20:41)
(Character breakdown: All voices just a little bit grainy, as if on VHS. Clarence is dweeby and awkward; Eunice is dour and hurried; Sigmund sounds ‘like a serial killer’)
[Cheesy 80s music]
Sam (as Clarence): Uh hello, I’m Clarence Dilby of Dilby, Woodcock, and Partners. I’m looking for a marketing copywriter. Uh, are you the marketing copywriter for me?
Janet (as Voiceover): Or how about Eunice?
Janet (as Eunice): Hey what’s up, I’m Eunice, editor-in-chief of Flex Magazine. Listen, I need an assistant to keep my life together, take the fall when I screw up, and generally act as my punching bag.
Janet (as Voiceover): Or why not take a chance with Sigmund?
Sam (as Sigmund): I’ve made a list of my demands.
[Paper rustling]
Number one, you must call me master. Number two, you must never look directly at me. Number three, every day you must lick my-
Janet (as Voiceover): I wonder what their ideal first day of work is like. Clarence?
Sam (as Clarence): Well, I would show you to your desk, assign you a project, and encourage you to be creative with it. Uh, and then I’ll criticise every single thing you do.
Janet (as Voiceover): Eunice?
Janet (as Eunice): I’ll get you to run some errands, steam-press my suit, then stay late to watch my kids while I attend an event. They will only fall asleep if you massage their scalps while singing Portuguese lullabies.
Janet (as Voiceover): And what about Sigmund?
Sam (as Sigmund): Number 12, you must dance like an aspen quivering in the breeze. Number 13, you must eat only grapes and grape byproducts. Number 14, you must weep with me when-
Janet (as Voiceover): Wow, these sound great! But what if there’s trouble in paradise? Let’s see how our employers handle workplace conflict.
Sam (as Clarence): I’ll pretend that everything is fine, then lay you off out of the blue.
Janet (as Eunice): It’s probably your fault, so I’ll scream a bit then fire you.
Sam (as Sigmund): Number 81, you must hem all your trousers according to my specifications. Number 82, you must speak exclusively in Katharine Hepburn quotes. Number 83, you must smell-
Janet (as Voiceover): Well, I know what’s on your mind - compensation! What sort of salary does Clarence offer?
Sam (as Clarence): I expect you to have at least 5 years’ relevant experience and a PhD. I pay minimum wage, this is not negotiable.
Janet (as Voiceover): I wonder how Eunice will beat that!
Janet (as Eunice): We’ll discuss salary later. I find the topic distasteful.
Janet (as Voiceover): And Sigmund?
Sam (as Sigmund): $75,000 per annum with bonuses and guaranteed annual raises. And a comprehensive benefits package. Number 97, you must live with me in my dungeon. Number 98-
Janet (as Voiceover): Gosh, how will you pick just one?? Give us a call and let us know which of these contenders is the employer of your dreams! Until then, happy job-hunting!
Blackout: 5 steps of Job Hunting, part 4, the interview (24:19)
Sam (as Voiceover): The 5 steps of job-hunting. Step 4: The Interview.
Sam: Interviews are easy, you’ve seen a million of them on The Tonight Show. Tell a funny story about some airline food and make sure to plug your new movie. Jimmy will probably ask you to play air guitar with Snoop Dogg or some god awful thing like that.
It’s a good idea to bring questions for your interviewer. This will show interest. If you haven’t prepared your own questions, just use one of theirs: “Why do you want to work here?” Now the tables have turned.
Here’s a helpful tip: during your interview, do not confess to anything before speaking with your lawyer.
Scene: Bobal Fatt, Job Hunter (25:02)
Sam: Hey Janet, did you see the new trailer?
Janet: New trailer for what?
Sam: Oh great, you didn’t either. There’s a new trailer for this movie I really want to see.
Janet: Is it about job hunting, Sam? Because we’re in the middle of an episode and we don’t really have time to goof off.
Sam: Just watch…
[Dramatic, cinematic sci-fi score; spaceship noises]
Sam (as Voiceover): Coming next Summer, the movie event that will take job hunting to bold new heights.
Sam (to Janet): Seeeee?
Janet: Alright, shhhh!
Sam (as Voiceover): He’s hunted bounties across the cosmos. He’s captured legendary heroes and worked for the worst scum in the galaxy. And now, the legendary space vigilante faces his greatest test:
[Sci-fi noises: spaceships, lasers, beeps]
Sam (as Voiceover, cont’d): Changing careers. The newest film in the Space Fights saga, it’s Bobal Fatt, Job Hunter.
Janet: Oh wow, I love the Space Fights saga.
Sam: So much better than that other space saga.
Janet: For sure, way better and way less litigious.
[A spaceship arrives with a jolt; creepy cinematic music plays]
Appropriate SFX.
Sam: What is this place? Some kind of space lab…
Janet: Looks like it hasn’t been used in years. What do you think Bobal’s gonna do here?
Sam: Oh man, this is so quiet. It’s freaking me out…
Janet: He’s not seriously going to activate the power source, is he?
[A machine powers up with a clatter]
Janet: Oh wow! Do you see that?
Sam: He’s working on his cover letter!
[Typing on a keyboard]
Janet (reading): Proficient in many blasters.
Sam (reading): Well-versed in Excel and in bounty hunting.
[A ‘space battle’ takes place: lasers, blasters, explosions]
Sam: Oh, awesome. A space battle! Who’s he chasing there?
Janet: It’s a lightweight transporter. There are three passengers.
Sam: Oh snap, those are his references!
Janet: I was wondering if they’d be in this one.
Sam: Tractor beam – nice! He’s got them now.
[A big explosion]
Janet: Oof, so long references.
Sam: Shoulda watched out for that space debris.
Janet: He looks really mad.
[Murky, swamp sounds. Weird, alien animal noises in the background]
Sam: Oh man, the effects on this swamp planet look great.
Janet: Did you see that? Bobal Fatt’s in the corner. In the reeds.
Sam: He seems to be tracking something.
Janet: This is probably the part where he’s hunting for a job.
[A monster roars]
Sam: Oh my god, there it is!
Janet: It’s an entry-level marketing job.
[The monster screams]
Sam: Part-time, no benefits.
Janet: And hundreds of flaming tentacles.
[The monster roars and attacks; a laser blasts in retaliation and the monster screams in pain]
Janet: He blasted it right in the head.
Sam: I’m not sure if that means he got the job?
Janet: That’s why it’s the trailer, dummy. They can’t just tell you.
Sam: Oh yeah, duh.
Sam (as Voiceover): If you’ve ever wanted to see a movie about an alien pirate guy checking Workopolis, this is a pretty good movie for that. Good enough, anyway. Space Fights 106: Bilbo Fudge Gets a Job or whatever. Be there!
Janet: Thank you for showing me that trailer, Sam.
Sam: We are friends.
Blackout: Networking Pickup Lines, part 3 (27:59)
Janet (as Voiceover): Networking pickup lines.
Janet: That's a nice business card. It would look even nicer on my desk. 
Sam: Let me be the Jobs to your Wozniak. 
Janet: Do you like pancakes? Well, how about I hop on that webinar?
Blackout: 5 steps of Job Hunting, part 5, the offer (28:19)
Sam (as Voiceover): The 5 steps of job-hunting. Step 5: The Offer.
Sam: If you’ve followed our tips so far, pretty soon you should have an offer. When salary comes up, tell them you only want to start at one penny. But on the second day, you want two pennies; four on the third, eight on the fourth, and so on. “Pennies,” they’ll say. “Are you absolutely sure?” Trust me: say yes. You’ll thank me in a month.
It’s good manners to give two weeks notice. Might we suggest Honeysuckle Weeks from Foyle’s War and Kevin Weekes from Hockey Night in Canada? As far as your job goes, just stop showing up.
Congratulations! Once you have accepted the offer and start your new job, you’re free to just fart around on Facebook all day. What’s Becky from high school up to? Well friend, you’ve got all day to find out.
Outro (29:07)
Sam: Well, there’s the job hunting episode, folks. See you next week. 
Janet: That went pretty well. 
Sam: Yeah, that was rubes’ll eat it up. 
Janet: Wait, is this still on? 
Sam: The light’s red. Red means stop. 
Janet: Your logic is sound, and yet I’m gripped with a strange foreboding.
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