Work It, episode 001
All’s Fair in Love and Work
Scene: Intro (0:00)
[Phone rings. Someone answers.]
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Janet (as Voicemail): Welcome to Work It, a show about work. This is a work of satire containing mature themes. 
Pour le service en Français, appuyez sur le un. For writer and performer, Sam Allemang, please press two. For writer and performer, Janet Mowat, please press three. 
For a measured and insightful discussion– This option is unavailable! 
For a comedic look at workplace romance, full of dubious advice and scandalous claims. Please stay on the line. 
[‘Bongo Madness’ continues]
Sam: Welcome to the debut episode of Work It, a very funny program on CFMU. We talk about jobs, work, bosses and the dread specter of precariousness under late capitalism. A very, very funny program! Thank you for joining us on this ride. We're sure, before long, you'll agree that this is a show you can't live without. 
Is that a threat? Keep listening to find out. 
It is! The topic of today's episode is office romance. And if I'm not mistaken, I hear Cupid fluttering overhead here in the CFMU studios. So join us in the broom closet for the next half hour and we promise to show you a good time. Now, pass me that bucket.
Blackout: How to Flirt With Your Work Crush, part 1 (1:23)
Janet (as voiceover): How to flirt with your work crush, number 37: Agree with all their ideas, even the terrible ones. 
Scene: Zenefits, part 1 (1:34)
Sam: Now, office romance is pretty much inevitable. 
Janet: Something as old as jobs themselves.
Sam: In fact, the earliest ‘office romances’ date back to the dawn of agriculture. 
Janet: Hence the phrases “roll in the hay”, “ploughing”, and “horny as a farmer”.
Janet: But just because workplace hookups are commonplace doesn’t mean they’re harmless. 
Sam: Quite the opposite, Janet. Left alone, employee hookups can nearly ruin a company.
Janet: Take the story of Zenefits. 
Sam: In twenty sixteen, this Silicon Valley startup had all the makings of a unicorn. 
[A horse whinnying]
Janet: With their software to automate HR and benefits processes, they were valued at over 4 billion dollars.
Sam: At the same time, Zenefits had a bit of a frat house culture. 
Janet: In fact, the partying got so bad Zenefits management had to email its employees to stop having sex in the office stairwell.
Sam: It’s true! After finding some used condoms, management decided enough was enough.
Janet: Well, Sam, would you believe Work It has obtained a copy of this infamous email?
Sam: I sure would!
Janet: One of the most sought-after documents in the history of office romance, Work It is proud to present: 
Sam: The legendary Zenefits stairwell email!
[A whoosh sound, signalling we cut to:]
Sam (as Zenefits Manager 1): Dear Zenefitizens,
[As he dictates his email, we hear the sound of typing on a keyboard]
Sam (as Zenefits Manager 1, cont’d): You probably know what this is about. Upper management recently discovered used condoms in the stairwell. This email is to inform all employees that they are *not* to have sex in the company stairwell.
But that’s not all, is it? We also found a number of erotic creams, jellies, balms, salves and otherwise sensuous unguents. Three hundred packets of birth control, ranging in flavour from lemon drop to rocky road. There was even a pack of Flintstones chewable birth control, the ones with Pebbles Flintstone on the box with a red ‘X’ over top.
We found sixty-four French ticklers; seventeen Italian scratchers; and a pair of Spanish belchers, fully belched. No fewer than 80 – ugh – “male enhancement rings”. All of which, by the way, had exactly one hair stuck to them. 
(A flustered tone:)
I mean, literally, one hair each. Like, was someone sitting there, carefully affixing... You know what, I don’t want to know. 
(Resuming tone of dictation:)
There was a Walter Cronkite Real Doll; a poster of Alien vs. Predator, and by ‘vs.’ I mean ‘having sex with’; a Nintendo Switch modded so that Kirby is anatomically correct; and a signed Wendel Clark jersey, for some reason.
To reiterate: employees are forbidden to have sex in the stairwell. And in case you try to get cute on us, no sex in the supply closet, boardroom, fridge, or ball-pit either. Do not have sex on the fire pole; do not have sex on the bike rack; do not ask your co-workers if they want to meet Solid Snake and then have sex in a big cardboard box. And if your supervisor spots you, do not run and hide in a locker! 
[Sound effect from Metal Gear Solid video game when Snake character is discovered by enemy guards]
Your supervisor is easily confused and will resume his normal patrol, making a mockery of this whole policy. Do not have sex in the bathroom, the quiet room or the meeting room, got it? There will be no wiggle room, I mean it. Do not have sex in the Wiggle Room!
Look, no one enjoys a good time like Zenefits management! That’s not going to change. What is going to change, however, are the office romance policies. You’ve left us no choice, Zen-gineers. Don’t make us say it a-zen.
Blackout: How to Flirt With Your Work Crush, part 2 (4:10)
Janet (as voiceover): How to flirt with your work crush, number 52: Enter the elevator at the same time as them and stand in awkward, crushing silence.
Scene: Planet Office, part 1(4:22)
(Character breakdown: Narrator is a David Attenborough-type – a calming British documentary filmmaker and narrator; the ‘Drone’ is a nerdy, weasley male office worker; Shirley is a female office worker, just trying to get on with her business.)
[Office noise ambience]
Sam (as Narrator): Today on Planet Office, the mating ritual of the Common Office Drone.
Here we see an Office Drone approaching a potential mate. He must exercise caution.
Sam (as Drone): So, what’d you get up to this weekend?
Sam (as Narrator): Note how he leans casually on the desk of his potential mate. Such body language shows interest, but conceals his romantic intentions.
Janet (as Shirley): Oh you know, took it easy. Went out to a movie…
Sam (as Drone): Oh yeah? Who’d you go with? Friends? A- a group of friends, just one friend?…
Sam (as Narrator): Fearing a potential rival, the Office Drone must gather more information.
Janet (as Shirley): Just one friend, yeah. He’s great, we had a great time.
Sam (as Narrator): Oh, a devastating response! Many Office Drones would disengage and seek out another hapless coworker. Let’s see what this one does.
Sam (as Drone): Oh cool! Yeah, it’s great when guys and girls can just be friends. [Beat] Uh, I love going to the movies, too. With friends, or like, on dates…
Sam (as Narrator): A critical error. The Office Drone’s intentions are now clear.
Janet (as Shirley): Oh…Look, you’re fun to hang out with, but I don’t date coworkers.
Sam (as Narrator): How awkward. Any sensible Office Drone would excuse himself gracefully at this point.
Sam (as Drone): Oh I don’t want to date you! Just, you know, if you ever wanted to see a movie and couldn’t find someone…
Sam (as Narrator): But of course, our Office Drone cannot take a hint. Please, Office Drone.
Sam (as Drone): Or like out to dinner. As friends.
Sam (as Narrator): Please stop.
Sam (as Drone): Tell you what, I’ll give you my number and if you’re ever, you know, lonely…
Sam (as Narrator): I can’t watch! I’m leaving!
[Static and feedback as the narrator’s recording equipment is knocked over]
Janet (as Shirley): Derren, I don’t want your number and I don’t want to hang out.
(A beat, then:)
Sam (as Drone): Oh.
[Clatter as the narrator’s recording equipment is picked up again]
Sam (as Narrator): Brilliant! The comeuppance he deserved!
Sam (as Drone, muttering): I didn’t even mean it that way, don’t flatter yourself…
Sam (as Narrator): The defeated Office Drone retreats, masking humiliation with bitterness. Let us hope that he has learned his lesson.
Scene: Interview with John Krasinski & Jenna Fischer, part 1 (6:45)
(In this scene, Sam and Janet conduct an ‘interview’ with spliced clips from actual interviews with Krasinski and Fischer)
Sam: Speaking of “office romance”, we’d like to welcome two experts in the field.
Janet: We fell in love watching them fall in love as Jim Halpert and Pam Beesly.
Sam: From the hit sitcom, The Office, our guests today are Jenna Fischer and John Krasinski –
John: I’m not George Clooney
Sam (confused): I didn’t say George Clooney, did I?
John: No, not at all.
Janet: So why mention him?
John: I almost threw up on his shoes.
Sam: I see.
Janet: John, Jenna, welcome.
Jenna: Thank you for having me.
John: Absolutely, yeah.
Janet: Fantastic, I… – oh, John, you’ve pissed yourself!
John: I did indeed.
Sam (disappointed): Aww, it’s all over the rug…
Janet: That rug was a gift from CFMU, John. For our first episode.
Sam: Well, what are you smirking for?
Jenna: It was really cute.
John: It was, yeah.
Janet: Don’t encourage him, Jenna.
Sam: Is this typical, John? Do you piss yourself often?
John: All the time, yeah, all the time.
Jenna: He is actually really good for that.
John: I have done it before but not to this level.
Janet: Well, I’m sure we’re all very proud.
Sam: Let’s get to the today’s topic, Office Ro-
John: Larry King.
Sam: – Office Romance. What? Larry King? John, do you even want to do this?
John: I want to do it.
Janet: Jenna?
Jenna: It’s gonna be awful, okay, it’s gonna be horrible.
Janet (whispering): What’s your problem, lady. This is our first episode and you’re acting like real assh-
Sam: Hey guys, what was it like having one of the most famous Office Romances of all time?
Jenna: It was just a dream come true.
John: It was, it was pretty unbelievable.
Jenna: I mean I just remember being a 13 year old girl in st. Louis Missouri and laying in bed awake at night wondering how I want to do this thing.
Janet: You guys seemed to have a real connection.
John: She, she looked like she was having the time of her life.
Janet: Did you feel that connection from the very beginning of The Office? Was it love at first sight?
John: Just like that.
Sam: While we’re on the subject, what body part do you notice first in the opposite sex?
John: Jaws.
(Jenna’s line is the first two syllables of her saying “fallacy”.)
Jenna: Phallus.
Janet: Great segue, Jenna, ’cause now we want to get a little risqué. Let’s talk about sex.
John: It’s really interesting.
Sam (gently correcting): Interesting, yes, but sexy as well.
John: Man, you know your stuff.
Janet: Alright, John, pump the breaks. That’s my co-host you’re hitting on. How’d you feel that time I came by the set and hit on Creed and Mose and Prison Mike?
John: It was a little weird for me I’m not gonna lie.
Janet: John, tell the people your special nickname for sex.
John: Brown University.
Janet: Gross!
Sam: Tell us about your first time.
John: I couldn’t not make noise.
Sam: Well, all in all, that sounds alright.
John: Absolutely, it’s just fun to do.
Janet: John, what will you do if you come home one day and Sam is oiled up on your dinner table on a shiny platter with an apple in his mouth?
John: I don’t know what’s gonna happen on that day.
Sam: Don’t be coy, you’re going to help yourself to a slab of glazed Sam and you know it.
John: Damn it, I’m gonna do it.
Sam: Remember when I gave you a mental blowjob?
John: I remember that blew my mind.
[Gong sound]
Janet: I don’t want to alarm anyone, but I’ve just been handed a note. Someone’s written us with a bomb threat.
Jenna: It’s so crazy, I wrote it.
Sam: So it’s fake then?
John: It’s very real.
Janet (like a parent): Well, in that case, there’s some police officers who would like a word with you, Missy.
Jenna: Excuse me I have to go, hey, oh people always have to go when they’re being interviewed by the police have you ever noticed that they’re very busy.
Sam (charmed): They are! That’s so funny.
Janet (also charmed): Okay, all is forgiven. But speaking of bombs, is it true you worked on the Manhattan Project?
Jenna: It was just a dream come true.
Sam (muttering): A lot of dreams come true for you, huh?
Janet: How do you live with yourself? Clearly you knew it was evil.
Jenna: What I did know was that I was in a project with the most talented people I’d ever had the privilege to work with.
Sam (as an aside): “And don’t call me clearly.”
[Gong sound]
Janet: That’s not the point; the point is that you, and Robert Oppenheimer, and everyone else engineered something catastrophic.
Jenna: It was a total bomb.
[Sound of a bomb exploding]
Sam: Good one.
[Cut to: Our ‘Bongo Madness’ musical sting plays, signalling scene transition. While it does:]
Janet (via voiceover): We’ll be back later with more for John Krasinski and Jenna Fischer.
Blackout: How to Flirt With Your Work Crush, part 3 (10:09)
Janet (as voiceover): How to flirt with your work crush, number 117. Wear wacky socks to the office, as an indication that you have a personality.
Scene: Watercooler Wipeout (10:21)
(Character breakdown: The game show Host has a brisk, rapid presentation. Lorna and John are run-of-the-mill office employees. Lorna’s Husband sounds ‘dorky’. Lorna’s lover Pete has a distant, muffled and silly voice.)
Sam (as Host): Hello and welcome to Watercooler Wipeout, where the nation’s greatest gossips go head to head. I’m Frances Ferdinand, and today we’ve got the two blabbiest busybodies from Bailey & Sons Insurance. Please welcome Lorna from Accounting…
[Audience applause]
Sam (as Host, cont’d): …And John from the Mailroom!
[Audience applause]
Sam (as Host, cont’d): Anyone you want to say hello to?
Sam (as John): Hi, mom!
Janet (as Lorna): I’d like to say hi to my darling husband, right here in the front row. Hi sweetie!
Sam (as Host): Isn’t that lovely.
John and Lorna, round one will be “Innuendo”. I’ll share tidbits of tasty tittle-tattle from your office, and I need you to finish my sentence with your most suggestive innuendo. Lorna you’re first. Ready?
Janet (as Lorna): Ready, Frances!
Sam (as Host, more deliberately, as if reading from a card): Herb in Human Resources arrived late 3 months ago because he was…
Janet (as Lorna): Uh…showing the intern you can’t spell ‘hard’ without HR?
[Ding of a bell – correct answer]
Sam (as Host): Correct! 10 points to Lorna. Your turn, John.
Sam (as Host, cont’d, deliberate): During their extended tea breaks, Dave and Sam from IT like to…
Sam (as John): Um…teabag…uh…each other?
Sam (as Host): Judges?
[A harsh buzzer – wrong answer]
Sam (as Host, cont’d): Sorry John, not euphemistic enough. Lorna, for the steal?
Janet (as Lorna): What about “share their teabags”, Frances?
[Ding of a bell – correct answer]
Sam (as Host): Very good Lorna, 10 more points!
Sam (as John): Ah, nuts!
Sam (as Host): Haha, still not euphemistic enough, John. Time for one more, back to you, John.
Sam (as Host, cont’d, deliberate): Kathy and Tim from security go down to-
[A buzzer – a contestant is buzzing in]
Janet (as Lorna): I object, Frances! There’s innuendo in the question!
Sam (as Host): Well… Yes, Lorna, the judges agree with you, I did say “go down” in the question and it is disqualified. Congratulations Lorna, that means you advance to the final round!
[Audience applause]
Today, Lorna, you’ll be playing for a coveted new cubicle location, with a clear view of the washrooms, the copy room, and the break room.
[Audience ooh-ing]
Janet (as Lorna): Wow!
Sam (as Host): You’ll be the scourge of the office. Now Lorna, you know the drill. Answer as many questions as you can in one minute. Three correct answers will win the grand prize. Ready, Lorna?
Janet (as Lorna): I’m as nervous as our project manager when I found out about his lovechild!
Sam (as Host): That bad, eh? One minute on the clock…go!
[Intense thinking music plays, continuous; a clock ticks down time]
Sam (as Host, rapidly): How many times have Cheryl and Max disappeared into the supply room this week?
Janet (as Lorna, rapidly): 6!
[Ding of a bell – correct answer]
Sam (as Host, rapidly): Name everyone who has made lingering eye contact with Beth the secretary in the past 2 months.
Janet (as Lorna, rapidly): Uhh, Chad, Charles, Mary, Eric, Enrique, 10 out of 12 couriers, and one lost pizza guy.
Sam (as Host, rapidly): Half-point for that, you left out the CEO, Mr Robson.
Janet (as Lorna, rapidly): Argh, I thought that went without saying!
Sam (as Host, rapidly): Who is Mary’s real baby daddy?
Janet (as Lorna, rapidly): It’s not for me to speculate but it looks a lot like Dave the maintenance guy.
[Ding of a bell – correct answer]
Sam (as Host, rapidly): Correct! No mistaking that nose! Who did Lorna spend an awful lot of time with the week her husband was out of town?
Janet (as Lorna): J- I-…wait, that’s me! I uh…I have no idea what you’re-
Sam (as Host): Clock’s ticking, Lorna. This is for all the marbles…
Janet (as Lorna): I can’t…arrrrgghhhh, it was John!
[The music and the clock sound effects stop.]
(Lorna takes a beat.)
Janet (as Lorna): Yes, John from the Mailroom, my competitor on this very show.
Sam (as Husband, muffled & distant): Lorna how could you!
Janet (as Lorna): Honey, I can explain! Cover the kids’ ears!
Sam (as John): Lorna!
Janet (as Lorna): John!
Sam (as John): Now that it’s out in the open, I wanna say I’ve always loved you. Ever since that planning meeting when you spilled your coffee on me!
Janet (as Lorna): Haha, and then you got me another one…
Sam (as John): …while my legs were being scalded beyond repair, yes.
Janet (as Lorna): John, you’re more than a torrid office romance to me! Let’s run away together!
Sam (as John): Oh Lorna!
[A harsh buzzer – wrong answer]
Sam (as Host): Uh, Lorna, we have Pete down as the one you had an affair with.
Janet (as Lorna): Oh…oh yeah, him too.
Sam (as Pete): Hey, Lorna!!
Janet (as Lorna): Pete! My darling!
Sam (as Pete): Love you, babe!
[The game show theme plays as outro music]
Sam (as Host): Sorry Lorna, you failed to win the coveted cubicle, but you did give your office lots to talk about on Monday! Well that’s all we have time for, folks. Tune in next week for Watercooler Wipeout!
Janet (as Lorna, over the music): I think I need a new job…
Blackout: PrintCo. Toner ad (14:54)
Sam (as Announcer): Work It is brought to you by PrintCo. toner cartridges. Don't be a loner; try our toner. 
Once again, that name is PrintCo. 
The singer of XTC is Andy Partridge. Our toner comes in a cartridge. 
Now available in black.
Banter: Love Contracts intro (15:11)
Janet: I'm sure most of us would prefer to find love in convenient places like bars or classes or at home with the person you are already married to. Unfortunately, love works in mysterious ways. Sometimes, Cupid strikes at work. We're all aware of the prevailing wisdom that it's a bad idea to date a coworker.
But listen, what if they're really, really hot? Sam, you're well acquainted with poor romantic decisions. Uh, do you think office romance can work or is it a recipe for disaster? 
Sam: Well, it depends on context, of course. And whether all parties concerned can keep it in their pants for eight hours a day. But yeah, I think it's fine to date coworkers.
Janet: See, I think you should just avoid it. Like, there's too much that can go wrong. 
Sam: Well okay, let's look at the pros and cons of office romance then. Pro: you'll never run out of stuff to talk about.
Janet: Con: you'll only ever talk about work. 
Sam: Exactly. That's a bunch of stuff to talk about. You can talk about the fax machine or you can talk about the white out or you can talk about the staplers. See? Never run out of stuff to talk about.
Janet: Right, yeah, okay. So, uh, whispering sweet nothings to each other, like "Oh baby, that was better than last week's corporate merger."
Sam: Pro: much like a bra you'll have built-in support at the office.
Janet: Con: much like an ill-fitting bra, work-related conflicts will spill out into private life. 
Sam: But everyone loves cleavage, though.
Janet: And everyone knows cleavage is distracting. 
Sam: Pro: you get to spend every day together. 
Janet: Right, con: you have to spend every day together. 
Sam: Pretty much like this radio show, huh? 
Janet: Yeah. Cute. Like everyone likes marshmallows, but nobody wants to be force fed marshmallows. 
Sam: I could eat marshmallows every day. And the best thing is, I'd die soon.
Pro: you can look out for each other 
Janet: Con: potential for jealousy over career advancement. 
Sam: I don't know... If you have a shared bank account, it works out for both of you. And then you don't have to work as hard 
Janet: Yeah, touché. And there's always the enhanced potential for nepotism.
Sam: Pro: you'll actually like going to work.
Janet: Con: what if you break up?
Sam: Then you can just leak all their secrets to the office gossip.
Janet: Great. And like, I hate all my coworkers anyways, so what's one more added to the mix?
Sam: Pro: it's kind of hot being sneaky. 
Janet: But con: everyone will know, and everyone will be talking about you. 
Sam: Well, in that case, it's kind of hot being the center of attention. 
Janet: Maybe they'll want to join in. 
Sam: Okay, so yes, there is always the potential for things going wrong in a workplace relationship.
But romances do sometimes work out in the office. And I don't just mean the TV show. How does that happen? 
Janet: Well, one surefire strategy is for everyone involved to be mature and reasonable, I guess. Uh, but failing that there are always 'love contracts.'
Sam: Love contracts?
Janet: So, it's an agreement between the lovers and their employer, mostly dealing with sexual harassment stuff.
Sam: But these contracts can also cover behavior such as a promise to remain civil if the couple breaks up. 
Sam: So, can you negotiate this? Like, you can bang in the supply closet so long as you, uh, leave the boardroom alone or something? 
Janet: Sam? No.
Sam: I wonder, wonder…
[A dreamy harp chimes out, signalling Sam lost in reverie, and we cut to:]
Scene: Love Contracts (18:22)
(Character breakdown: Ms. Beckett is the Boss – she is dull and strict; Ronald is from HR – he too is dull and strict; Tom is one of the lovers – he is boisterous; Lucy is Tom’s paramour – she is shrill.)
[In the background, there is office ambience. There’s a knock on a door, and the sound of the door opening]
Janet (as Beckett): Ah, Tom, Lucy, come in. This is Ronald, from HR.
Lucy: Thanks Ms Beckett.
Sam (as Tom): Nice to meet you Ron. Can I call you Ron? We’re Ron and Tom! Hahaha!
Lucy: Oh Tom you’re so funny!
Sam (as Ronald): I prefer Ronald.
Sam (as Tom): Gotcha. Like the clown!
Lucy: Hahahaha!
Janet (as Beckett): Okay let’s get to it. Thank you for disclosing your new relationship to me. As your supervisor, it’s my duty to reach an agreement with you both in the form of a love contract.
Sam (as Ronald): So to begin, we expect that there will be no negative impact on your productivity.
Lucy: Oh of course!
Sam (as Ronald): You’ll act professionally toward each other during work hours.
Janet (as Beckett): Including post-breakup, if things don’t work out.
Sam (as Ronald): And there will be no public displays of affection in the office, ever.
Sam (as Tom): So define ‘public’. Stairwell?
Janet (as Beckett): Public.
Lucy: Supply closet?
Sam (as Ronald): Public!
Lucy: Boardroom?
Sam (as Tom): Fridge?
Lucy: Ball pit?
Sam (as Ronald): [deliberately] No public displays of affection.
[Pause]
Sam (as Tom): Okay, so define ‘affection’.
Janet (as Beckett): No kissing, no holding hands, no hugging. No physical contact during work hours.
Lucy: Oh, we can do that.
Sam (as Tom): Yeah, the leash will work fine.
Lucy: Oh! And the whips.
Sam (as Tom): And the Spanish belchers!
Janet (as Beckett): You’re not serious.
Lucy: Oh yes, Tom’s very creative.
Sam (as Tom): I love a challenge!
Janet (as Beckett): This is unacceptable!
Sam (as Tom): Well, it looks to me like this contract only stipulates against physical contact.
Janet (as Beckett) and Sam (as Ronald): hmmmmmmm...
[Dreamy harp noise, indicating the end of the fantasy sequence]
Sam: Janet, I’ve just had a brilliant idea.
Janet: Absolutely not, Sam.
Scene: Zenefits, part 2 (20:02)
Sam: As it happens, Zenefits probably could have used some of those ‘love contracts’.
Janet: It’s true, Sam. After that initial email, Zenefits’ office romance problem continued. It just expressed itself in different ways.
Sam: Zenefits management was forced to send a follow-up email to its employees to try and squash office romance once and for all.
[A whoosh sound, signalling we cut to:]
Janet (as Zenefits Manager 2): Attention employees,
[As she dictates his email, we hear the sound of typing on a keyboard]
As the office romance issues have persisted, we are now introducing rules against more innocent behaviour. Notice I didn’t say ‘zen-nocent’? I must clearly mean business.
Male employees will no longer throw their jackets over puddles that a female colleague was about to step in. And female employees are absolutely not to kiss them on the cheek and say “My hero”. It makes the men go ‘a-ooga’ as smoke comes out their ears. Not only is this distracting, it’s a clear violation of the fire-code.
Under no circumstances are female employees to say “I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.” In fact, all romantic film dialogue is now prohibited. Men are only allowed to say “I wish I knew how to quit you” if they are addressing their job itself. In which case please put it in writing for our records, including your last day.
If any employee dies, they are expressly forbidden from cozying up behind a former colleague and guiding their hands as they work. This is the exact reason we began offering pottery classes.
It is no longer allowed for two employees to sit together in the lunchroom eating Kind bars, and it turns out they’re eating opposite ends of the same Kind bar, and they accidentally kiss when they get to the middle of the Kind bar, and they’re like, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry!,” and then they’re like, “You know, that was actually kind of nice....”, and then they just start kissing for real. Any employees found doing so will have their Kind bar privileges revoked – this applies to all flavours: melon, taco, and peanut.
This is your final warning. 
Sam (as Zenefits Manager 1): Woah, she sounds serious. Hey Zenefi-cianados, it’s me, from the last email. Just wanted to pop in and say, look, we’re not mad; we’re just disappointed. All we wanted was to create an awesome work environment. Unfortunately, you guys took it too far and we’ve got to be the bad guy. Not cool, gang. Going forward, we on Zenefits’ management blah blah blah blah blah, end of scene.
Blackout: How to Flirt With Your Work Crush, part 4 (22:26)
Janet (as voiceover): How to flirt with your work crush, number 412: Compliment their outfit, and then realize how awkward that is and compliment the outfits of everyone in your immediate surroundings. 
Scene: How Do I Love Thee? (Sonnet for My Work Crush) (22:41)
Janet: And now a little known early draft of Elizabeth Barrett Browning’s “How do I love thee? (A poem for the cutie down the hall.)”
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My hand can reach when feeling ‘round my cubicle
For the other end of the printer cable.
I love thee to the level of every lunch break’s
Most quiet need, by sun and fluorescent light.
I love thee freely, as CEOs strive for profit;
I love thee purely, as they turn from corrupt practices.
I love thee with a passion put to use 
In my college days, and with my early-career idealism.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost opportunities for advancement - I love thee with the blood,
Sweat, and tears of all my projects! -
And, if the boss choose, 
I shall but love thee better after I’m laid off. 
Scene: Interview with John Krasinski & Jenna Fischer, part 2 (23:57)
Janet: John, John – what an interesting name! Why John and not, I don’t know, Sigmund Flupp, Gustave LeDong or even Periwinkle Smiffle?
John: I am very proud of the idea that I never changed my name.
Janet (playful): Well, there’s still time… Periwinkle.
John: I hope so.
Sam: Jenna, do you think it’s okay to use magic to fall in love? Let me explain: there’s this story called The LittleMermaid. So in this story, Ariel gets the sea-witch Ursula to use her magic to help her fall in love with Prince Eric. Pretty cool, right?
Jenna: Well, I think the stories we hear the most are the magical stories.
Janet: So, what’s your point?
Jenna: Those stories are fun to tell and don’t ever happen.
Sam (flustered, frustrated): Well, how am I supposed to meet Prince Eric then, you idiot? Some sort of Disney party with him and Gaston and Genie, is that it?
Jenna: These parties don’t exist.
Sam (crestfallen): Oh, I’ll never fall in love.
Janet: Time for a riddle: John – you’re Courbet, you’re Millet, you’re Bastien-Lepage – who are you?
John: I’m a realist, you know.
Sam: Ten points to John!
[Sound of audience applause]
Janet: Even though this is only our first episode, I’m already bored.
Sam: Yeah, this sucks.
Janet: We should just quit and move onto the next thing.
Sam: And then do the next thing.
Jenna: And then do the next thing and then do the next thing and then do the next thing.
Janet: And then do the next thing and then do the next thing and then do the next thing.
Sam and Janet and Jenna (in unison): And then do the next thing and then do the next thing and then do the next thing.
Sam: John, I’ve got a show idea –
John: Larry King.
Sam: Close. So, the Office was a big hit, right? And it was just about some people in an office. So I was thinking: what about a show called The Person and it stars a bunch of offices working inside a person?
John: Right, no, exactly, yeah, no.
Sam: And maybe two of the offices get married and then one of them has to go take a job in, I dunno, the ankle or something.
John: Very interesting.
Sam (to Janet): See? John thinks it’s a good idea!
Janet: Don’t humour him, John. It’s a stupid idea and no one would watch it.
John: People are stupid.
Janet: Seriously, you’d watch this trash?
John: I think I’m pretty stupid.
Sam (proud, defiant): Alright, fine! So no one would watch my show about a bunch of offices working inside a person. Happy?
John: Not even your wife, not even your kids.
Sam: Oh, drop dead.
(Sam cries to himself.)
Janet: Jenna, I – oh, wow, here comes my good friend, Will Ferrell. Hey, Will!
Jenna: Hey Will, when are you gonna be on SNL, cowbell, cowbell, Will, hey, can you tape something for my son? It’s gonna be his birthday and I was just wondering if you could –
Janet: Come back, Will!
Janet (cont’d, sarcastic): Good work, Jenna, you scared him away.
Sam: Poor guy. That’s the first time I saw him out in public since The House came out.
Jenna: How much pain am I in?
Janet: Keep this up and we’ll find out…
Sam: Say, John, I saw you looking at my TV. Pretty cool, right? You think that’s cool, check out the channel changer.
John: Oh my god, that’s amazing!
Sam: How about some… MTV!?
John: Oh my god, MTV!
Sam: Forrest Gump!?
John: Oh my god, I’m welling up now.
Sam: And off again.
John: Oh my god, it was amazing.
Janet: Jenna, it says here you have a funny story about Dr. J, Dr. Demento and Dr. Pepper.
Jenna: I really wanted to meet them.
Janet: You know they’re not real doctors.
Jenna: I pretended to be sick.
Sam: And one of them’s a soda.
Jenna: I pretended like I was sick
Janet: Terrific.
Sam: John: a watched pot has got to boil eventually, right? I mean, come on! It’s on the stove!
John: Every cliche is true.
Sam (thinking): Maybe I could watch it via webcam. Or Google Glass.
Janet: So, Jenna, something you should know about me is I used to do political assassinations. Anyways, my parents were cleaning out my old room and they found some of my cyanide and now they’re asking me about it. What should I do?
Jenna: Give it to your parents so that they don’t ask you so many dumb questions.
Janet: Perfect!
Sam: John: one last question: how do you spend all your Office money?
John: In like spooky ways.
Janet: Spooky ways?
Sam: Hey, we also do Spooky Radio! Is that what you mean?
John: Absolutely.
Janet: So you’re saying you spend all your money at patreon.com/spookymag?
John: Absolutely.
Sam: All our listeners probably should too, eh?
John: Absolutely.
Sam: Well gang –
John: George Clooney.
Janet: That about does it for to–
John: Larry King.
Sam: See you next time.
John: Larry Clooney.
Sam: Periwinkle Clooney.
John: Absolutely.
Blackout: How to Flirt With Your Work Crush, part 5 (26:59)
Janet (as voiceover): How to flirt with your work crush, number 507: When you’re walking down a hallway and your work crush appears at the other end, walking toward you, avoid eye contact as long as possible. At the last moment, look at them, smile distractedly and carry on.
Scene: Planet Office, part 2 (27:18)
(Character breakdown: Narrator is a David Attenborough-type – a calming British documentary filmmaker and narrator; the ‘Drone’ is a nerdy, weasley male office worker; Shirley is a female office worker, just trying to get on with her business.)
Sam (as Narrator): Welcome back to Planet Office. We rejoin our Common Office Drone as he continues the search for an elusive mate.
[Generic dance music, as of an office social, plays in the background, along with the ambient noise of workers mingling]
Sam (as Narrator): The office drones are gathering for the annual enforced fraternisation of a Christmas party.
Sam (as Drone): [having to shout just a bit over the noise] Hey, Shirley, great party, huh?
Janet (as Shirley): Oh, it’s Dave, right?
Sam (as Drone): Doug.
Janet (as Shirley): Doug, sorry. Yeah sure, nothing more awkward than drinking with our bosses. Can’t wait till this is over. [laughs]
Sam (as Drone): Oh yeah, haha! This party sucks!
Sam (as Narrator): Having forged a bond, the Office Drone initiates his courtship ritual.
Sam (as Drone): Can I grab you a drink?
Janet (as Shirley): Uh, sure, I’ll have a water.
Sam (as Drone): Suit yourself, more wine for me!
Janet (as Shirley): Oh god.
Sam (as Narrator): Time has passed, and with his few inhibitions removed, we now witness the mating dance of the Common Office Drone.
[Sounds of awkward dancing – feet shuffling, some grunting, a flamboyant whoop!]
Sam (as Narrator): It is a sight that few have beheld - and few would willingly behold again.
Sam (as Drone, slurring, shouting): Shirley! Dance with me!
Janet (as Shirley): Guys, I swear I hardly know him.
Sam (as Drone): Shirleeeyyyyyy!
Janet (as an unnamed supervisor, breaking it up): Okay, I think we’re done here...
Sam (as Narrator): A supervisor interrupts the dance of the Office Drone. His efforts unsuccessful yet again, our Drone lets out a plaintive cry.
Sam (as Drone, from a distance): You’re ugly anyway!
Outro (28:53)
[Fun, bouncy, brassy music featuring bongos plays – ‘Bongo Madness’ by Quincas Moreira]
Sam: Well, there it is, the first episode of Work It in the can. 
Time to punch out and head home. Wonder what I should have for dinner... Probably some sort of Pizza Pocket. Or something healthy. Like Twizzlers. I like them extra twizzled.
[The recording studio door opens]
Janet: Oh, you're still here? Go home, man. 
Sam: See you next week, folks.
[An ad for 93.3 CFMU plays]