Every single one of my slots is filled – on my pre-test reading guide, that is. My students have carefully constructed complex sentences and thoughtful responses. “It’s so hard…to find faults with their grammar,” I whisper, quivering as I review their work.
I am overwhelmed by hands. Tiny, emoji hands in the corner of my student’s Zoom screens, raised, probing, expanding…ready to respond to my question. A splendor of rich thinking, correct answers, and full participation. I can barely contain my surprise and delight.
An adult appears on my computer screen. I realize they’ve been watching and I didn’t even know – a private voyeur. I watch as they click the microphone button and brace myself for what will come next.
“I just wanted to say thank you for preparing such an outstanding lesson for my kid today,” they purr. “I’ve been listening from the other room, and you’re such a talented teacher.”
I like to put them in slowly at first, then faster, faster – my students’ grades, of course. “B…C…A…A…A plus!” I climax. Seeing that my class average is nearly an A makes me throb with anticipation of my next huge unit.
“You know, I didn’t just get this good overnight,” the technology coach says. “I’ve done this a lot.”
I admire her ability to type from home row without even looking at the screen, my eyes lingering over her nimble fingers. “Then, you just keep clicking…”
Captivated, I watch as my typing becomes a script for a customized rubric in Google Classroom. I can’t believe how quickly it’s made me finish. Grades come together so rapidly now.
I bite my lip as I equitably score my students’ work.
I’m awakened by the vibration. I pick up my phone, click on my work email icon and moan when I see my principal’s name and the subject line “MEETING CANCELED.”
I open the message, stirred by her beautiful words:
We realized that this meeting could be an email and no one needs to be on Zoom for any more time than necessary.
I pour myself another cup of coffee and fantasize about being able to lesson plan and grade for an extra hour, undisturbed. Who says you can’t have a good time solo…
A hot mom stands up at a school board meeting I am watching from the comfort of my couch. She takes her luscious blonde locks out of a ponytail and begins to speak in a throaty voice: “These teachers have been working so hard this year, and I’m so grateful for all of their efforts. I think we should definitely give them a bonus for reworking all of their curriculum, navigating shifts in protocol, while also managing their own struggles in a pandemic. They’re humans too, you know.”
I am so wet right now…from tears of gratitude.
“Don’t stop!” he cries. “Don’t stop!”
I keep going until we’ve both reached the end.
“This part of The Outsiders is so exciting,” he whispers. “I can’t wait until we get to read the next chapter.”
I close my screen after I finish. I know that this can’t and won’t happen again. It’s really over this time.
It’s finally summer vacation.
I have a wildly explosive orgasm.
The best book I’ve read this year is Detransition, Baby. My current favorite album is Saint Cloud by Waxahatchee. My (terrible) TV pick is Law and Order: Organized Crime (I might be queer Stabler is hot).